Brilliant Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 Julie's thread about asking for help got me thinking about a disagreement my dh and I have. I have someone in my life who has treated me *really* badly in the past. I have forgiven this person - although that doesn't make me want to spend time with them, KWIM? So most of the time I am just fine with it - I've moved on with my life. However, when I do spend time with them, I end up with full-blown anxiety attacks, hyperventilating, crying, etc. My logical response to that is to spend even less time with them. Problem solved! My dh thinks I should see a counselor to find out if I can deal with the stress of this person, instead of just avoiding them. It seems to me that I am giving them more power over me if I do that. Why should I have to take my time & money to see a counselor if my problem is solved by just avoiding the situation? I hope some of this makes sense...trying not to give too many details! What would you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 If you were like this with a lot of people or even a handful of people, it might be worth seeing someone to investigate why. One person? No. It's their problem. Stay away and save your sanity! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I think if it is just one person, I don't see the need to invest in counseling. Unless- that one person is someone significant that you can't avoid seeing, like your mother or father or a sibling. I think your cure is a wise one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 p.s. I haven't seen you in a while...um, you were ok in Starbucks last time??? it's not me, I hope...:blushing: totally kidding... maybe... not me, right?? kidding...it's not me.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 No. I think it's fine to be done with somebody. I even think it's fine if it's close blood. If they burned their "Sister" card (or mother, father, whatever), you have the right to be done with seeing them any more than absolutely necessary. For example, if such a person were dying, I might say go ahead, try and bring a little peace for the end. But otherwise? I think you have no obligation to heal something with someone you can simply avoid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) I'm so sorry you are going through this!:grouphug: When you're under stress, that affects other parts of your life. Your not able to be the best mom and wife that you can be. You need to think of yourself first, which is hard for a lot of us!:) I don't know your situation, but I feel that if it were possible to get this relationship fixed, you would have done it. It sounds like you are really emotionally involved in this situation, and that it affects you physically. That is a sign you really care.:grouphug: There are people out there that are truly, almost impossible to resolve with. If you feel that is the case, try to focus on the good in your life. Nothing is worth panic attacks and anxiety. Even if that means ignoring that certain someone. We have one life to live, and your kiddos need a healthy mommy. No one is worth hurting your health over. Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. :( Edited February 26, 2012 by mommyof4AZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) No. I think it's fine to be done with somebody. I even think it's fine if it's close blood. If they burned their "Sister" card (or mother, father, whatever), you have the right to be done with seeing them any more than absolutely necessary. For example, if such a person were dying, I might say go ahead, try and bring a little peace for the end. But otherwise? I think you have no obligation to heal something with someone you can simply avoid. :iagree: Where is the benefit of dealing with the stress of this person? What good does your dh think could possibly result from it? Why would you give this unpleasant person such importance in your life that you would see a therapist just to be able to tolerate him or her??? Cut the person out of your life completely. Problem solved. End of story. Spend the therapy money on some nice new clothes and some makeup. :) Edited February 26, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I wouldn't even consider going to talk to someone about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 If this person is the only problem in your life, just stay away. If you have problems with bridges and crowds and windy days and dogs and dreading a tidal wave in St Louis MO, then yes, go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted February 26, 2012 Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 Thanks, everyone. In my dh' defense, he was just so upset at the last incident...you know a guy hates to see his wife cry...so he just thought I should talk to someone about it. ...If you have problems with bridges and crowds and windy days and dogs and dreading a tidal wave in St Louis MO, then yes, go. Oh, how did you know about the tidal wave thing?? :D p.s. I haven't seen you in a while...um, you were ok in Starbucks last time??? it's not me, I hope...:blushing: totally kidding... maybe... not me, right?? kidding...it's not me.... Nope, not you. :) Hey, I think I'm moving closer to you; I'll let you know next week as soon as I know & then it will be easier to meet for Starbucks. Maybe if I meet my friends over coffee more often I won't need counseling. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 oh gosh, you're moving?! we need to meet for coffee so you can tell me all about it and drive me to the are you are looking in. there is another great house just up for sale on the street that other house I posted a link to- is. I haven't been inside yet, but as soon as I see an open house sign I will be there. It's two streets from me and the houses on that street are a bit bigger than my street and nicer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I tend to agree that avoidance is a perfectly acceptable solution, and a very underrated one at that. But if it is someone you have to see sometimes (like a grandparent or a sibling's nasty spouse) then it might be worth trying to fix it on your end. Not resolve it with them but find strategies so they don't have the power to make you break down or cry again in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest farmgirl62 Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 i am going to go against the grain here and agree with the dh. I had a similar situation (it happened to be with my mother) and counseling helped me to recognize the many other people in my life who had the potential to push the same buttons-maybe not to the same degree as she did-but still created a similar feeling in me. The counseling sessions (maybe 5 total) focused on me learning to change my response to the 'triggers' that always made me feel guilty, unworthy, blah, blah, blah. It was all about me not 'taking the bait' and shifting my response-both internally and externally. Interestingly, when this shift occurred in me, my mother backed away from me and essentially had a nervous breakdown-I believe due in part to her loss of control over one of her 'subjects'. Just my 2 cents Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I would consider both solutions. It might not be a bad idea to speak to a professional about what this person did to you, hash it out, and figure out why you have such a bad response to being around them. There may be some healing in it for you. But, I also would use avoidance. If this person has harmed or hurt you, and there's no particular reason why you need to be around them, then why force it upon yourself? Or at least, why do it any more than absolutely necessary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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