Krisi in GA Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 1st off, please forgive any typos. I am typing one handed while nursing my baby. Anyway, I was wondering if any of you have had to deal with your sons about porn. What did you do or say and did it work? Do you think its a big deal or just a natural part of a boy growing up? (My husband and I are having differing views on this, but he is willing to follow my lead. I just need some guidance I suppose by those who have been there done that) Thanks for ANY advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 We have not BTDT, but we think that porn is a BIG deal and can have extremely negative effects on an individual for the rest of his/her life. We would handle the situation very seriously. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Are we talking about a young boy (8-10yo), a pre-teen boy (11 or 12yo,) a young teen, or an 18 year-old? I think the response to each age group would differ somewhat, and it would also depend on whether the kid stumbled across something by accident or went looking for it -- and how often he had been viewing it. (I'm not saying I'd be happy about it under any circumstances; it's just that it's hard to say what I would do, without knowing more details about the situation.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Define porn. That might sound nutty, but I really need to know the parameters of this discussion. I was wondering about that, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krisi in GA Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Sorry, he's 11.5. He was actively searching it out. He was searching for pics of size C b**bs, pics of nak*d girls, pics of g*rls licking d****. Yes, I feel very naseaus at the moment. I know it is natural to be curious, but it still makes me sick to my stomach. I'm at a complete loss at what to say to him. HELP!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krisi in GA Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 And as for how long he has been viewing it, only about a week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Where do you think he got the idea to do these particular searches? (The search terms are pretty graphic.) I can understand why you're feeling nauseated. I would feel the same way. 11.5 still seems like a little boy to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starwarsmomma Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Good thing my son is dyslexic and is a horrible speller. I caught him searching for "BOBS" once. LOL **Note-- this is OUR families views and what WE have done. Not telling you what to do for your family** We have had that. Here's the deal-- first we had the sex talk, the body changing talk, etc... Included in this is our families views on abstinance/making wise choices, etc... Then we stated the rules of internet AND tv viewing/searching. No tolerance, none. He just turned 12 and as far as I'm concerned, NOT APPROPRIATE. I've explained that watching that kind of thing at too young an emotional level could warp his views on women, relationships, and the things that happen between men and women. Those things are NOT real-- it's FANTASY--, and completely is different than what a REAL man/woman relationship. Those types of media do not have consequences like real life either. Yes, I believe it is NORMAL for curiosity. But at this age, I try to limit it as much as possible. There will be plenty of opportunities in his life for lots of it (when he's out of my house!), but for now, it's not allowed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) Good thing my son is dyslexic and is a horrible speller. I caught him searching for "BOBS" once. LOL He must have been so disappointed when he kept getting links to Bob's Discount Furniture store, home of the Bob-o-Pedic mattress. ;) Edited February 25, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 We have Bob's latex mattress. :D Now you're just showing off. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krisi in GA Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thank you ladies so much. I agree that it can do so much damage looking at things like that at such a young age. I don't want him to have a warped image of what a relationship between a man and woman is like. Nor do I want his future wife to have to deal with this. I guess I just don't know how to approach him with this and talk to him about it without making it worse. Should I just start by telling him I know he has been viewing inappropriate things on the internet? I really just want to bury my head and cry, but that wouldn't solve anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Sorry, he's 11.5. He was actively searching it out. He was searching for pics of size C b**bs, pics of nak*d girls, pics of g*rls licking d****. Yes, I feel very naseaus at the moment. I know it is natural to be curious, but it still makes me sick to my stomach. I'm at a complete loss at what to say to him. HELP!!!!! Oh my, I also have a son about to turn 12. My DS is very immature so I think (hope) I'm a few years away from this situation. Honestly, I think it's a very natural curiosity. I have no idea what I would do. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carpe Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 :grouphug: I have not BTDT yet, so apply salt liberally, but this is what I would do. The best way seems to be just coming out with it. "Son, I know you've been searching for ... and you need to know that it is illegal to look at pictures of that before you turn 18. You could get in trouble with the law and so could your father and I." Second I would ask where he got those ideas. Those are very specific ideas for such a young boy. Ultimately he needs to be reassured that being curious, and "urges" are normal, but that it is not acceptable for him to use the internet for that purpose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thank you ladies so much. I agree that it can do so much damage looking at things like that at such a young age. I don't want him to have a warped image of what a relationship between a man and woman is like. Nor do I want his future wife to have to deal with this. I guess I just don't know how to approach him with this and talk to him about it without making it worse. Should I just start by telling him I know he has been viewing inappropriate things on the internet? I really just want to bury my head and cry, but that wouldn't solve anything. Yes, that's what I'd do. But I'd also mention that you understand his curiosity, it is normal. And explain to him just what you've said here - it'll create a warped image of women and of relationships and that stuff is not real life. That it could affect the way he views relationships and mess things up for him in the future...and honestly I'd probably even throw in the wife bit, although he probably won't be able to relate or won't care, but I'd still say it since it's important. I'd probably mention possible addiction - some men develop over this type of thing. I also think it's degrading to women, so I'd mention that, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Curiosity is normal. Porn is not. Porn is addictive and destructive. People who see a boy's interest in porn as being part of some rite of passage and "just part of growing up" are perpetuating the dehumanizing and objectification of women. Yes, boys stumble upon or seek this stuff out all the time. It should be addressed lovingly and without shame but with a FIRM discussion of why it is wrong. Also, things should be put in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 :grouphug: I can't even imaging having to address this with my son (we are years away, hopefully!) However, I have to agree, those are very specific search terms. Leads me to suspect that he has been exposed to p*rn from another source (magazines, other kids, etc.) If it was me, I would want to find out that source and root it out immediately. He is being given some very strong images/ideas that need to be addressed. You don't want him to continue getting those images from whoever else it is. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnrmom Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) This has kind of happened with my 10yo. It started with the Guinness Book of World Records he checked out of the school library last year, ironically enough. Apparently it had an entry for world's largest breasts. Her name is Maxi Mounds. And no, I am not making this up. Well, apparently he got the idea to Google "largest breasts" and you can imagine what was brought up. We found it pretty instantly, since he kept sharing little tidbits of information that were highly suspicious and once we started questioning him he admitted to everything. We basically told him while it was normal to want to see these things, it was inappropriate for his age. He is no longer allowed unsupervised internet access at our house. However, all his friends already have smart phones, and I'm sure one day he will as well, so I know I won't be able to supervise him forever. Plus, I am sure a lot of them have computers in their rooms. And this is a problem that is new to our generation - even just a few years ago, it was much harder for kids to get internet access if their parents were supervising. Now, it's everywhere. It makes putting paper over the covers of the magazines on the corner store seem quaint. In the end I have to just keep the dialogue open, let him know WHY I don't think it's appropriate rather than just forbidding it, and hope that we get through it unscathed. And fwiw, I am agnostic, so it's not a religious objection. Just like I wouldn't let him watch a gory movie until he's old enough to process reality versus fantasy and within an appropriate context, I don't want him seeing inappropriate sexual images. As an aside, I remember peeking into Playboys that I found hanging around one of my parents' friend's house one time. I was fascinated by it, but not in a sexual way. I certainly never bought the magazines or was into porn later on, but I vividly remember how compelling I found it at the time. So it really is normal, and doesn't mean anything in and of itself. It's just unfortunate our kids have instant access to such inappropriate material. ETA: I would want to know where he got the idea for such specific search terms. I think searching for "boobs" (or "bobs" as the case may be :)) is fairly normal, but I would be concerned about the graphic language he used. Edited February 25, 2012 by bnrmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Do you have a plan in place to help protect his temptation from getting the best of him again? This kind of thing has long term effects and what is free to ve view on the internet with a click or two is shocking. I am praying my daughters' future husbands are being trained to avoid this temptation like the plague and that their parents are protecting them from something that could utterly destroy a family. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krisi in GA Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thanks ladies. My husband and I plan to talk with him in the morning. As far as his specific terminology, he started out searching for jessica alba (sp??) and of course her pics and others showed up. So then he searched for hot babes and then for hot babes with b**bs. That search listed diff cup sizes (so that is where the "C" came from) and of course some of the things he clicked on had more than just n*ked girls, it had n*ked girls doing certain things, which I believe is what led to his last search. I feel just heart broken over the whole thing. My plan other than to talk with him is to tell him no internet access without complete supervision. I really don't want this to be a problem for him (nor for his future wife) and I also want him to know that I understand his curiosity and I'm here to help him and I love him unconditionally. For those of you who have been through this, I really appreciate your honesty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dieuog Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 You may not agree with this at all, but I think I would go for a combination of banning unsupervised internet, explaining, and, finally, substituting. My own take is that porn is repellent for many reasons, but that the desire to look at bodies is natural, and that desire can probably be satisfied in ways that are not pornographic, and that are reasonably age-appropriate. For example, there's plenty of manga *in printed form* for boys that is not really lewd but acknowledges frankly the audience's desire to see the cute girl characters in bikinis from time to time... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Curiosity is normal. Porn is not. Porn is addictive and destructive. People who see a boy's interest in porn as being part of some rite of passage and "just part of growing up" are perpetuating the dehumanizing and objectification of women. Yes, boys stumble upon or seek this stuff out all the time. It should be addressed lovingly and without shame but with a FIRM discussion of why it is wrong. Also, things should be put in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. :grouphug: I do not have boys, but I am very thankful to mothers of boys with your attitude. Most parents we know choose to completely ignore the subject because it is such a taboo - they know their boys are consuming it, but they simply pretend not to know because very few people dare have those firm discussions of the long-term moral and emotional implications those materials can have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 We have four boys (one who is 30 and moved out...) and a very sneaky little girl in the house...add in the fact that my DH is a computer engineer and that equals security on all our computers, TVs and phones. For the computer, we use BeSecure...I absolutely love it. We have two password protected logins for the system...one set for adults, the other for the kids. The kids have a high security setting as well as a feature that allows us to view any search attempts. The kids are all aware that we have all this and that we regularly look at search attempts. Takes the natural temptation factor and turns it on it's head. I honestly think that it is best to have these measures in place even after you have an honest, open discussion about porn and Internet safety. It is simply too easy to accidentally stumble on something predatory (I misspelled a Lego search once and was horrified at what came up!). It takes the natural temptation out of the way for the younger munchkins, allows more freedom from hovering when the olders are surfing and allows a site override for those random sites that get blocked when they shouldn't. HTH anyone struggling with this issue...It is a tough one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) May I gently recommend a free internet filter that you can put on your computers to help curb the searching? K9 Web Protection is free and it works. I would put this on all the computers in the house. I'd even talk it up with the parents of his friends in hopes that they will use it in their houses. PS. I like my passwords to be something I can easily remember yet something not associated specifically with me. So I randomly will pick a word from the dictionary and add the page number a few pages on either side of the page where I found the word. It is almost as good as a random set of letters/numbers, but since it is a word not specifically associated with me (like the street name, kids' middle name, make/model of the car, an interest) it is harder to just plug in things mom likes and hope to break the password protection. Edited February 25, 2012 by Parrothead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 We have not BTDT, but we think that porn is a BIG deal and can have extremely negative effects on an individual for the rest of his/her life. We would handle the situation very seriously. :grouphug: Ditto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Here are some articles that may help. You are not helpless in this situation. http://theresurgence.com/2011/11/19/7-negative-effects-of-porn http://theresurgence.com/2011/03/16/a-bigger-problem-than-boys-will-be-boys http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/About/FAQs/ I suggest reading these articles together with your spouse and talking about all of this. And then I would form a plan in how to deal with your son. If it was me, I would take the computer away immediately, and then begin the first of several very big conversations about the porn industry, how it effects the brain, and sexual slavery. And then I would begin to install a very good filter on your computer. You can help your son how understand how destructive porn is. And, you can take measures to make it much more difficult to access it in your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AStableBeginning Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I am praying my daughters' future husbands are being trained to avoid this temptation like the plague and that their parents are protecting them from something that could utterly destroy a family. :( :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tntgoodwin Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Check out Covenant Eyes, I have heard good things. To answer your question, is it normal? I would say yes. But that doesn't make it ok. Pornography is extremely destructive. I definitely would say do not ignore it. Talk to him about it, make clear your stance, and set boundaries up, like no Internet unless you or dad are in the room. And it needs to be a public room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coffeetime Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 We have four boys (one who is 30 and moved out...) and a very sneaky little girl in the house...add in the fact that my DH is a computer engineer and that equals security on all our computers, TVs and phones. For the computer, we use BeSecure...I absolutely love it. We have two password protected logins for the system...one set for adults, the other for the kids. The kids have a high security setting as well as a feature that allows us to view any search attempts. The kids are all aware that we have all this and that we regularly look at search attempts. Takes the natural temptation factor and turns it on it's head. I honestly think that it is best to have these measures in place even after you have an honest, open discussion about porn and Internet safety. It is simply too easy to accidentally stumble on something predatory (I misspelled a Lego search once and was horrified at what came up!). It takes the natural temptation out of the way for the younger munchkins, allows more freedom from hovering when the olders are surfing and allows a site override for those random sites that get blocked when they shouldn't. HTH anyone struggling with this issue...It is a tough one. :iagree: We have the bolded on our Mac. The kids have a separate log in and the Mac has excellent parental controls. Right now, I have it set so that they can only visit sites that I have specifically allowed because they aren't at the age where they need to use the internet for anything other than the games they play. I think it's so incredibly important to be preemptive about this stuff, so that our kids don't have access at young ages. I'm so sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Curiosity is normal. Porn is not. Porn is addictive and destructive. People who see a boy's interest in porn as being part of some rite of passage and "just part of growing up" are perpetuating the dehumanizing and objectification of women. Yes, boys stumble upon or seek this stuff out all the time. It should be addressed lovingly and without shame but with a FIRM discussion of why it is wrong. Also, things should be put in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. :grouphug: :iagree: I am not sure what I would do, but I definitely agree with this viewpoint... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 A few thoughts. I believe the early exposure to contemporary porn is a dangerous event. It creates early neural pathways, and extends the length of time a person can grow those pathways. Repeated behavior is what makes something a habit. In addition, contemporary porn is more exaggerated, graphic, and in many cases a charicature of real life, real bodies. This exaggerated aspect makes curious children especially vulnerable. Add to that mix the natural and growing curiousity of pre-teens and teens, and the foundations of a problem with porn is created. Now, I don't think that occassional "use" or "viewing" or porn in adults = a problem or addiction. I'm not a fan of porn or the industry, but I think people can view it without negative ramifications to the viewer. Early, repeated, exposure to me is the concern. In your discussions, I'd probably be a little more specific and strong than the words "curiosity". I'd tell him flat out that viewing porn can create a need to keep viewing it more and more - an addiction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stayseeliz Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 We have filters on all of our computers and parental controls on the tv. As someone whose DH was allowed to watch whatever and has dealt with this type of issue I can tell you that this is extremely harming to a marriage. We've dealt with the fallout for years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krisi in GA Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thanks ladies. We talked this morning. I told him I wasn't mad at him and that I understood he was curious but that there were many reasons why he should not be looking these things up. Which of course I explained what these things were along with consequences of what it could do to him and future relationships and he seemed truly remorseful. We set up some new parameters for computer use and he understands that he must earn back our trust. I also told him that he can asks us (his father or I, together or seperately) ANYTHING and we would be honest with him. My husband had to work this morning so this discussion was just between my son and myself, but my husband plans to talk with him tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I'm sure it was awkward for you, but I think you handled it very well, Krisi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 A few thoughts. I believe the early exposure to contemporary porn is a dangerous event. It creates early neural pathways, and extends the length of time a person can grow those pathways. Repeated behavior is what makes something a habit. In addition, contemporary porn is more exaggerated, graphic, and in many cases a charicature of real life, real bodies. This exaggerated aspect makes curious children especially vulnerable. Add to that mix the natural and growing curiousity of pre-teens and teens, and the foundations of a problem with porn is created. Now, I don't think that occassional "use" or "viewing" or porn in adults = a problem or addiction. I'm not a fan of porn or the industry, but I think people can view it without negative ramifications to the viewer. Early, repeated, exposure to me is the concern. In your discussions, I'd probably be a little more specific and strong than the words "curiosity". I'd tell him flat out that viewing porn can create a need to keep viewing it more and more - an addiction. Joanne, thank you for this information. I've been somewhat ambivalent and unsure about how to approach this topic with my ds. On one hand, I do not view sex, or the body, as something evil, shameful, or something only married people can enjoy. I do not intend to lay that burden on my son: "Hey, you're experiencing raging hormones, but just think, only 15 more years or so to go, before you finally get to placate those feelings." This was what I was raised with, and I will tell you I regret waiting until marriage to explore my own sexuality. Yes, I regret it! On the other hand, sexuality, and viewing images of it, is definitely potentially very hazardous, and I don't want my son to adopt damaging views of women, based on airbrushed, extremely unrealistic, graphic, fantasy-based images. I want him to have a healthy, balanced view of sex, not one based upon obsessive consumption of it, and also not based upon denial and suppression of it. My question is, how to achieve that balance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Sorry, he's 11.5. He was actively searching it out. He was searching for pics of size C b**bs, pics of nak*d girls, pics of g*rls licking d****. Yes, I feel very naseaus at the moment. I know it is natural to be curious, but it still makes me sick to my stomach. I'm at a complete loss at what to say to him. HELP!!!!! BTDT. We have a program installed that filters out that stuff, but he searched anyway and I saw that in the program report, which runs even if you use the 'in-private' browsing function. We did not make a huge deal out of it. He's pubescent. It's a natural curiosity. We did have a very long talk about the dangers of searching porn online -- that what you are looking for is not what you get for results. You get extreme stuff, too. And, I still remind him to remember that "what has been seen can not be unseen." We have discussed how disturbing, extreme images can leave lifelong impressions that can be mentally damaging. I gave him some examples (without details at all) of things I'd seen or read that I wish I hadn't and how you can never erase that from your mind no matter how hard you try. This seemed to really get through to him, and I have not seen any searches for porn or nudity since. My dh took a lighter-hearted tactic with it, and told him he should read more National Geographic magazines, or as he called it "old-school porn." Interestingly enough, ds does read the NG issues frequently now, and I can tell by his expanding knowledge that he is also reading it for the articles, not just the pics. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Great advice on this thread. I miss the days when guys had to be brave enough to ask for a magazine across the counter and pay for it. Having a PC with internet access is the equivalent to having a desk full of porn magazines with the drawers unlocked and parents telling them never to open the drawers. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I really just want to bury my head and cry, but that wouldn't solve anything. I wouldn't be afraid to let him see your real reaction. He should be made aware of how strongly people feel about this. Hopefully his empathy for his mother would at least help solve the thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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