swellmomma Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I am in charge of writing the letter to be submitted to town office requesting a chance to speak to the board about some long term funding for our scout troop. I am the best of the leader to write it and yet still feel inadequate to do so. Can you please read and edit/critique it. BEaring in mind there is some Canadian spelling. I have eliminated the name of the town and the director's name(the one to whom I am writing to). Now I have spoken to this gentleman on several occasions on the phone while organizing fieldtrips etc, so it is not to a complete stranger but I still want it to be professional. This letter is only to get them to agree to a meeting in person, so it does not need to be long but does need to make them want to meet with us. Formatting etc for the actual letter is not an issue right now. Right now I want to be sure my grammar is correct, that it makes sense and that it encourages them to schedule the meeting with us. Dear Mr. SB, The Scouting organization presents a valuable programming option for boys and girls in the community and surrounding area from ages 5-14. No child is turned away due to financial constraints, nor due to disability. We espouse the virtues of service, commitment, leadership and honour through community service projects, camps, badge work, outdoor skill building, and personal development. The dedicated leaders volunteer their time to ensure the boys and girls involved receive the type to programming required to achieve these goals. The 1st V Scouts Group is nearly as old as the town of V itself. We have been there supporting generations of V’s children reach their full potential and grow to become valued members of the community. The traits and skills developed during their time in scouting become the same traits and skills that help them as adults in the workplace, in their commitment to service in the town and in raising the next generation. In order to continue running the program in the optimal way and keep the tradition of Scouting alive in V we need long term financial assistance from the Parks, Recreation and Culture board. I would like to request an audience with the board to present how this funding can boost our program and allow us to continue serving the community’s children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Anyone have any feedback please? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I am in charge of writing the letter to be submitted to town office requesting a chance to speak to the board about some long term funding for our scout troop. I am the best of the leader to write it and yet still feel inadequate to do so. Can you please read and edit/critique it. BEaring in mind there is some Canadian spelling. I have eliminated the name of the town and the director's name(the one to whom I am writing to). Now I have spoken to this gentleman on several occasions on the phone while organizing fieldtrips etc, so it is not to a complete stranger but I still want it to be professional. This letter is only to get them to agree to a meeting in person, so it does not need to be long but does need to make them want to meet with us. Formatting etc for the actual letter is not an issue right now. Right now I want to be sure my grammar is correct, that it makes sense and that it encourages them to schedule the meeting with us. Dear Mr. SB, The Scouting organization presents a valuable programming option for boys and girls in the community and surrounding area from ages 5-14. No child is turned away due to financial constraints, nor due to disability. We espouse the virtues of service, commitment, leadership and honour through community service projects, camps, badge work, outdoor skill building, and personal development. The dedicated leaders volunteer their time to ensure the boys and girls involved receive the type to programming required to achieve these goals. The 1st V Scouts Group is nearly as old as the town of V itself. We have been there supporting generations of V’s children reach their full potential and grow to become valued members of the community. The traits and skills developed during their time in scouting become the same traits and skills that help them as adults in the workplace, in their commitment to service in the town and in raising the next generation. In order to continue running the program in the optimal way and keep the tradition of Scouting alive in V we need long term financial assistance from the Parks, Recreation and Culture board. I would like to request an audience with the board to present how this funding can boost our program and allow us to continue serving the community’s children. Your two paragraphs seem very disjoint. I'm sure the first is standard boilerplate, but I think it is possible to be profession, yet personal and human in a letter like this. Your second paragraph is much better. Even though you know the person it is addressed to, you don't know who is going to be reading it. Therefore, I'd start out with a quick self introduction, and state your bona-fides. Something like: Dear Mr. X: My name is Ms. Temperance Scoutmistress, I've been a leader of Troop XX in V-town for N years. I appreciate the help that you and the town have given our troop over the last few years in getting permissions for various field trips. Then, your second paragraph is pretty good. I'd replace "We have been there" with "We have been here". Otherwise, it makes it sound like you aren't a member of the community. If you have hard numbers on current numbers of scouts, or the total number of scouting alumni, that would be good figures too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Your two paragraphs seem very disjoint. I'm sure the first is standard boilerplate, but I think it is possible to be profession, yet personal and human in a letter like this. Your second paragraph is much better. Even though you know the person it is addressed to, you don't know who is going to be reading it. Therefore, I'd start out with a quick self introduction, and state your bona-fides. Something like: Dear Mr. X: My name is Ms. Temperance Scoutmistress, I've been a leader of Troop XX in V-town for N years. I appreciate the help that you and the town have given our troop over the last few years in getting permissions for various field trips. Then, your second paragraph is pretty good. I'd replace "We have been there" with "We have been here". Otherwise, it makes it sound like you aren't a member of the community. If you have hard numbers on current numbers of scouts, or the total number of scouting alumni, that would be good figures too. Technically I am not lol I am from the next county over but this is the only troop so I am there with my boys. I will fix it in the letter, I wasn't even thinking about that. I appreciate the rest of the input too. I will work that into it. It is my first year as a leader, in fact other than the commisioner all the leaders are new as are all the boys but 2. It is a tiny group, I have 4 beavers, there is 16 cubs and scouts combined. Our troop is dieing and the financial side of things with it. If we get the grant we will be able to offer better programming which in turn will encourage more boys to join. The girl guides did this 2 years ago and now their groups are so big they have had to cap registrations due to a lack of leaders, and take trips etc all over the province (and across Canada). This funding will revitalize our troop, but all of that will be presented in the meeting if we can get one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) I read it earlier but didn't have time to respond. I agree that the letter needs an introduction, even if Mr. SB is the only one to read it. The letter seems to start with a paragraph that belongs somewhere in the middle. I've marked in blue my changes or potential changes. I've made comments in green. Dear Mr. SB, Introduction The Scouting organization presents a valuable programming option (this sounds very generic/vague--what's a "programming option"? Can you say "extracurricular option"?) for boys and girls in the community and surrounding area from ages 5-14. No child is turned away due to financial constraints, nor due to disability. We promote the virtues of service, commitment, leadership and honour through community service projects, camps, badge work, outdoor skill building, and personal development. Dedicated leaders volunteer their time to ensure boys and girls receive the opportunities required to achieve these goals. The 1st V Scouts Group is nearly as old as the town of V itself. We have been here supporting generations of V [took out the 's] children reach their full potential and grow to become valued members of the community. The traits and skills developed during their time in scouting become the same traits and skills that help them as adults in the workplace, in their commitment to service in the town and in raising the next generation. In order to continue running the program in an optimal way and keep the tradition of Scouting alive in V we need long term financial assistance from the Parks, Recreation and Culture board. I would like to request an audience with the board to present how this funding can boost our program and allow us to continue serving the community’s children. You should add at the end a plan for action (or whatever it's called). I mean, not just the "I would like to request an audience with the board..." In the next paragraph, you'd say.... [well, my brain isn't working right now..."please call me..." "I will call you next week..." or something like that. Maybe someone else can help here.]. Edited February 20, 2012 by gardening momma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I read it earlier but didn't have time to respond. I agree that the letter needs an introduction, even if Mr. SB is the only one to read it. The letter seems to start with a paragraph that belongs somewhere in the middle. I've marked in blue my changes or potential changes. I've made comments in green. You should add at the end a plan for action (or whatever it's called). I mean, not just the "I would like to request an audience with the board..." In the next paragraph, you'd say.... [well, my brain isn't working right now..."please call me..." "I will call you next week..." or something like that. Maybe someone else can help here.]. Thank you, I agree it needs an introduction. I was having a heck of a time coming up with one and so I left it out. Definitely if someone can help me come up with a way to word a plan. I don't want to put a time limit on my calling him, because I am not certain how often that board meets (I think it is only once a month) and so his agreeing for us to have a meeting with them would not occur until after their next meeting kwim. But requesting he calls me would work. I can certainly change programming option to extracurricular option. I have been doing a lot of work for my daycare and lesson planning, my head is all about programming right now lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sgo95 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Building off of gardening momma's work...changes underlined and in red when the underline is hard to see:tongue_smilie:. Dear Mr. SB, As we've discussed on the phone, I am the ..... and we [do this, e.g., "organize, fundraise, and run..."]. [Another sentence discussing some impressive activities you do, e.g., "Our Scouts have ..., ..., and ..."] The Scouting organization presents a valuable programming option for boys and girls in the community and surrounding area from ages 5-14. No child is turned away due to financial constraints, nor due to disability. We promote the virtues of service, commitment, leadership and honour through community service projects, camps, badge work, outdoor skill building, and personal development. Dedicated leaders volunteer their time to ensure boys and girls receive the opportunities required to achieve these goals. The 1st V Scouts Group is nearly as old as the town of V itself. We have been here supporting generations of V children in reaching their full potential and growing to become valued members of the community. The traits and skills developed during their time in scouting become the same traits and skills that help them as adults in the workplace, in their commitment to service in the town, and in raising the next generation. [instead of a statement of how you would like long-term financial assistance, discuss what the current financial situation means for Scouting, e.g., "Due to ...we currently cannot provide such opportunities..." Next, I added a reworked statement of request for funds and an audience.] I would like to request an audience with the board to discuss how financial assistance from the Parks, Recreation and Culture board would make it possible for us to continue serving the community's children and to keep the great tradition of Scouting alive in V. Please let me know when the board would be available to meet with me or when you would like to discuss this further in person or over the phone. I am available to meet [this time, this time, or this time] or I am available on the phone at ##### [at this time, this time, or this time]. I truly appreciate your time and assistance. Obviously, everyone's writing style is different, so please take what you'd like and leave the rest ;). HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Building off of gardening momma's work...changes underlined and in red when the underline is hard to see:tongue_smilie:. Dear Mr. SB, As we've discussed on the phone, I am the ..... and we [do this, e.g., "organize, fundraise, and run..."]. [Another sentence discussing some impressive activities you do, e.g., "Our Scouts have ..., ..., and ..."] The Scouting organization presents a valuable programming option for boys and girls in the community and surrounding area from ages 5-14. No child is turned away due to financial constraints, nor due to disability. We promote the virtues of service, commitment, leadership and honour through community service projects, camps, badge work, outdoor skill building, and personal development. Dedicated leaders volunteer their time to ensure boys and girls receive the opportunities required to achieve these goals. The 1st V Scouts Group is nearly as old as the town of V itself. We have been here supporting generations of V children in reaching their full potential and growing to become valued members of the community. The traits and skills developed during their time in scouting become the same traits and skills that help them as adults in the workplace, in their commitment to service in the town, and in raising the next generation. [instead of a statement of how you would like long-term financial assistance, discuss what the current financial situation means for Scouting, e.g., "Due to ...we currently cannot provide such opportunities..." Next, I added a reworked statement of request for funds and an audience.] I would like to request an audience with the board to discuss how financial assistance from the Parks, Recreation and Culture board would make it possible for us to continue serving the community's children and to keep the great tradition of Scouting alive in V. Please let me know when the board would be available to meet with me or when you would like to discuss this further in person or over the phone. I am available to meet [this time, this time, or this time] or I am available on the phone at ##### [at this time, this time, or this time]. I truly appreciate your time and assistance. Obviously, everyone's writing style is different, so please take what you'd like and leave the rest ;). HTH! Ohh that phrasing is very good :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 :thumbup1: <--that's a thumb's up. Not trying to hitch a ride. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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