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Critique please IEW SWI-A DD7


Amber in AUS
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Flossy completed the Desert Tarantulas KWO and re-write (She's brand new to IEW). I'd love your comments on the re-write, thanks :D

 

Desert Tarantulas by Flossy

 

The largest spiders in the world are Tarantulas which are not dangerous to humans. Tarantulas live in underground burrows and go to the entrance at night to wait for insects. They are most seen in the mating season and males live to ten or eleven years. Females live to twenty five years or more. They lay eggs several times during their lives.

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Flossy completed the Desert Tarantulas KWO and re-write (She's brand new to IEW). I'd love your comments on the re-write, thanks :D

 

Desert Tarantulas by Flossy

 

The largest spiders in the world are Tarantulas which are not dangerous to humans. Tarantulas live in underground burrows and go to the entrance at night to wait for insects. They are most seen in the mating season and males live to ten or eleven years. Females live to twenty five years or more. They lay eggs several times during their lives.

 

I believe she has completed the assignment--I see a which clause, which I know was required--and as I recall the basic information, it appears to be there. I think you ask her if there are any other changes she would like to make; if yes, help her make them. If not, you celebrate it as a well done completed assignment, and file it away. If there are any things you notice you want her to work on, you file those in the back of your mind to address bit by bit in future. :) Congratulations to both of you! :) What's next? Pillbugs?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Flossy completed the Desert Tarantulas KWO and re-write (She's brand new to IEW). I'd love your comments on the re-write, thanks :D

 

Desert Tarantulas by Flossy

 

The largest spiders in the world are Tarantulas which are not dangerous to humans. Tarantulas live in underground burrows and go to the entrance at night to wait for insects. They are most seen in the mating season and males live to ten or eleven years. Females live to twenty five years or more. They lay eggs several times during their lives.

 

A little late, but here's my take:

 

The which clause needs to be separated by a comma. Sentence 3 is two separate thoughts so should be two separate sentences. However, she might not have gotten to that part yet. Nice job, overall!

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i'm not familiar with IEW and how they do re-writes, but i think this paragraph is excellent for a seven year old! we are considering IEW SWI A for both of my children next year, and I've got to be honest, seeing this from your seven year old is quite persuasive!:D well done!

 

Thank you :). I'm really pleased with how it is working for us, but we are only right at the start.

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