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Ds Birthday, Secret Blown


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Oy.

 

Tazzie's 7th birthday yesterday. I called my mother before we went out for dinner, since we hadn't heard from them.

 

She was busy...asks, "What's up?"

"Uh...Tazzie's birthday?"

 

She forgot. Niiiiiiice. She mentioned it when she was on the phone w/me on Sunday. But forgot by Wed. Ok then.

 

She called back later.

 

We deliberately hadn't told either of our mothers about the job situation. Frankly, we don't need the stress of dealing w/their opinions, pov, etc.

 

Tazzie, however...

 

So, I ended up having to explain, since he let the cat outta the bag.

 

I'm just waiting for the phone call, once my mother realizes this job means that we won't EVER be moving back to my home province. We'd already made that decision in the last cpl of months, but not something we were going to announce, "We're never moving, b/c the idea of being that close to you makes our collective skin crawl...across country, 1 visit a year, is good for us" :lol:

 

Ugh. So not looking forward to it...and yeah, I know my mom well enough to know that the call *will* come...blech.

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Honestly, I'm pretty angry w/her for forgetting his birthday.

 

I *really* hope she lays low for a while.

 

I think you need to keep your expectations of her commensurate with what she can actually provide to your family - socially and emotionally, I mean. What's important for Tazzie right now is that he doesn't feel forgotten and got to talk to his grandma. I hope that Tazzie had a nice birthday.:)

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I think part of my anger is knowing that she would NEVER forget my nephew's birthday...cause his Daddy is her fave. She bluntly admits that he is, so it's not me reading into anything.

 

My MIL is nuts, but she remembers the kids birthdays.

 

I'm seriously considering not giving her new contact info when we move. I just don't see the point...except for my Dad.

 

If he wasn't in the picture, I'd just let the relationship die. I doubt she'd notice. :glare:

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I'm not understand why, if you would really like to cut contact or limit contact, that you would call her on his birthday to ask why she hadn't called your child.

 

It sounds like you need to lower your expectations. If she remembers and calls, great -- bonus for your child. If not, well, that's just how grandma is. But, to call her to ask where the call is, that's just playing into it. You are just as much into the game as she is.

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Just for some perspective, lots of grandparents don't observe grandkids' birthdays. I had one granny who sometimes bothered, and one who never ever said "happy birthday" in any form. She couldn't remember our names, let alone our birthdates. But we knew she was loving and she tried to get Christmas right, LOL. (Though my mom is convinced that one year, she forgot kid #5 all together.)

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If that were the case, that would be fine.

 

But it's not.

 

She makes a HUGE deal out of birthdays, normally. In fact, she used to go on the warpath w/her MIL for not paying attention to ours.

 

And heaven help ANYONE that doesn't make a huge deal out of hers. :glare:

 

She also doesn't have hordes of grandchildren. She has 7 that she has contact w/ (my eldest bro won't have anything to do w/my parents) and 5 of those are mine.

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I'm not understand why, if you would really like to cut contact or limit contact, that you would call her on his birthday to ask why she hadn't called your child.

 

It sounds like you need to lower your expectations. If she remembers and calls, great -- bonus for your child. If not, well, that's just how grandma is. But, to call her to ask where the call is, that's just playing into it. You are just as much into the game as she is.

:iagree:

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I think you need to keep your expectations of her commensurate with what she can actually provide to your family - socially and emotionally, I mean. What's important for Tazzie right now is that he doesn't feel forgotten and got to talk to his grandma. I hope that Tazzie had a nice birthday.:)

 

:iagree: That stinks. I've read a lot of your post and I really feel for you. :grouphug:

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I know you're hurt. It seems like between your mil, your mom and the RSD, you can't catch a break. :grouphug:

 

Buuuuttt...I think you are letting these two manipulative women control you too much. At some point, for your mental health and your family, you are going to have to just stop having contact with them and stop letting them hurt you. That's easier said than done, I know. And I speak from experience. I have to call my fil every year to remind him to call Patrick for his birthday. And Patrick is his only child. It used to piss me off so bad, but then I decided that I wouldn't let it anymore. My father sent me a birthday message on facebook, two days after my birthday. You'd think he could remember his first born, and only daughter's, birthday. But he didn't. Oh well. I chose not to let it upset me. Be the duck. Let it roll off your back.

 

I hope you know I get it. And I'm posting out of love and concern for you. You have too much good in your life to let these two women take your joy. They can't do it unless you let them. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Thanks everyone.

 

Nakia, thank you. I know you're responding out of concern.

 

I guess it just got to me b/c the only reason I have a relationship w/her, really, is b/c of the kids.

 

I figure if they can have caring grandparents in their lives, then it's worth whatever the cost may be to me, as long as the negatives are kept away from them, if that makes any sense.

 

And now, she's forgetting Tazzie's birthday, which just makes me question if there's really ANY point in this at all.

 

We'll see how it goes. If she can't be bothered to remember the kids birthday, then I really don't see how she's invested in being a good grandmother to them. And I'd rather she just quietly disappeared from their lives sooner than later, if it has to happen. We're so far apart, geographically, that she only sees them once a year anyways, so it's not like a huge loss in their world...out of the last 7 yrs, she's seen Tazzie x3, Princess x2.

 

I guess that's also why the not calling is such a big deal to me, b/c that's really the mainstay of their relationship...phone calls.

 

I'm really close to being done. Just not calling, etc anymore, and see what happens.

 

I feel bad for the kids, though.

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If you know an uncomfortable phone conversation is looming on the horizon, let your calls go straight to voicemail, and then you won't have to worry about dealing with her for a while. And when it's time to return the call, let Wolf do it (insert devilish smiley face here.) You're just too gosh darned busy to talk right now. Or you have the plague or something. ;)

 

Above all, try not to stress about it. If you don't want to discuss the situation with her, don't. Period.

Edited by Catwoman
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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: That stinks, Imp. maybe you should go with your gut and just let the relationship die. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Unfortunately, it also means losing my Dad.

If you know an uncomfortable phone conversation is looming on the horizon, let your calls go straight to voicemail, and then you won't have to worry about dealing with her for a while. And when it's time to return the call, let Wolf do it (insert devilish smiley face here.) You're just too gosh darned busy to talk right now. Or you have the plague or something. ;)

 

Above all, try not to stress about it. If you don't want to discuss the situation with her, don't. Period.

Yeah, I'm thinking of just falling off the radar for a while, at least.

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The kids adjust. My kids have never met, spoken to, or received anything from either my mother or DH's mother. They know their grandmothers are still alive and choose to remain distance. Further, they live in such a way that we are ok with this. I respond to any attempts they make at contact just in case something improves in the future.

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It does hurt to be forgotten. I think that for us, as parents, our kids are so important to us, that when someone (like a grandparent) forgets them, it is kind of like they forgot part of us.

 

My mother doesn't remember my kid's birthdays either and for me it feels like she isn't willing to put even a tiny bit of effort into them. It feels like she couldn't care less if they exist. It is like they are no different to her, than any other kid she sees in a day. A random kid at the park, or in a grocery store, gets the same treatment as my kids from my own mother. She is polite and nice to them. She will ask how they are, if she calls me. But, that is it. No phone calls, no cards, no gifts, and no visits.

 

I understand the feeling that you want to cut off contact with her. I have done the same at several points in my life. There were years in my life that I was the only one trying to have a relationship at all. Now, I have a rule that she must call me once, and then I will call her once. I won't call unless she makes an effort too. I had to make her accountable to maintain the relationship. It may sound petty, but I had to feel like she wanted to be in my life.

 

 

(I will ask you this here, in case she doesn't know yet.... did you take your dd to her birthday event yet? I don't want to start a thread that she may see if it is still a surprise. If I need to delete this...just let me know. )

 

I am sorry that you have to worry about this on top of everything else.

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Thanks everyone.

 

Nakia, thank you. I know you're responding out of concern.

 

I guess it just got to me b/c the only reason I have a relationship w/her, really, is b/c of the kids.

 

I figure if they can have caring grandparents in their lives, then it's worth whatever the cost may be to me, as long as the negatives are kept away from them, if that makes any sense.

 

And now, she's forgetting Tazzie's birthday, which just makes me question if there's really ANY point in this at all.

 

We'll see how it goes. If she can't be bothered to remember the kids birthday, then I really don't see how she's invested in being a good grandmother to them. And I'd rather she just quietly disappeared from their lives sooner than later, if it has to happen. We're so far apart, geographically, that she only sees them once a year anyways, so it's not like a huge loss in their world...out of the last 7 yrs, she's seen Tazzie x3, Princess x2.

 

I guess that's also why the not calling is such a big deal to me, b/c that's really the mainstay of their relationship...phone calls.

 

I'm really close to being done. Just not calling, etc anymore, and see what happens.

 

I feel bad for the kids, though.

 

Yes, I understand that too. I let my bio father, who is an alcoholic and was all kinds of abusive to my mother during their marriage, back into my life almost 2 years ago after him being gone for about 20 years. I did it because his parents were dying and wanted me to, and I wanted my kids to know their grandfather. Everything went well for about 6 months or so with pretty limited calls and visits. But the entire year of 2011 was just a mess. If he was "mad" at me for some reason or another (I don't even know what he got mad about most of the time), and one of my girls had a birthday, he wouldn't call, email, nothing. But for Emma's, in March, he wasn't mad, so she got a present. Um no. I put a stop to that. I don't have time or energy for a narcissist alcoholic who can't stop hurting the people he's supposed to love. It's hard to not have a relationship with him because I do love him, and my girls, especially Cora, ADORE him. They ask about him from time to time, and they always pray for him, but they know that he is not trustworthy. Honestly they might not ever see him again. I hate even typing that, but he was never a dad to me (he walked out on our family for the first time when I was only 6), and I don't want them hurt anymore.

 

Gosh, that got long. I don't know why I typed it all out. I guess I just want you to know, I get it. And I'm very sorry. These things always hurt. And we do try and do our best for our kids. Sometimes the best thing for them is letting go of a hope or a dream we had for them.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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It does hurt to be forgotten. I think that for us, as parents, our kids are so important to us, that when someone (like a grandparent) forgets them, it is kind of like they forgot part of us.

 

My mother doesn't remember my kid's birthdays either and for me it feels like she isn't willing to put even a tiny bit of effort into them. It feels like she couldn't care less if they exist. It is like they are no different to her, than any other kid she sees in a day. A random kid at the park, or in a grocery store, gets the same treatment as my kids from my own mother. She is polite and nice to them. She will ask how they are, if she calls me. But, that is it. No phone calls, no cards, no gifts, and no visits.

 

I understand the feeling that you want to cut off contact with her. I have done the same at several points in my life. There were years in my life that I was the only one trying to have a relationship at all. Now, I have a rule that she must call me once, and then I will call her once. I won't call unless she makes an effort too. I had to make her accountable to maintain the relationship. It may sound petty, but I had to feel like she wanted to be in my life.

 

 

(I will ask you this here, in case she doesn't know yet.... did you take your dd to her birthday event yet? I don't want to start a thread that she may see if it is still a surprise. If I need to delete this...just let me know. )

 

I am sorry that you have to worry about this on top of everything else.

Thanks, Tap. And yes, Diva knows about Cats, it's on the 26th. Verrrrrry late BD gift, but one I think she'll be glad she waited for, LOL!

 

I'm sorry that your relationship w/your mom is difficult. It sucks.

Yes, I understand that too. I let my bio father, who is an alcoholic and was all kinds of abusive to my mother during their marriage, back into my life almost 2 years ago after him being gone for about 20 years. I did it because his parents were dying and wanted me to, and I wanted my kids to know their grandfather. Everything went well for about 6 months or so with pretty limited calls and visits. But the entire year of 2011 was just a mess. If he was "mad" at me for some reason or another (I don't even know what he got mad about most of the time), and one of my girls had a birthday, he wouldn't call, email, nothing. But for Emma's, in March, he wasn't mad, so she got a present. Um no. I put a stop to that. I don't have time or energy for a narcissist alcoholic who can't stop hurting the people he's supposed to love. It's hard to not have a relationship with him because I do love him, and my girls, especially Cora, ADORE him. They ask about him from time to time, and they always pray for him, but they know that he is not trustworthy. Honestly they might not ever see him again. I hate even typing that, but he was never a dad to me (he walked out on our family for the first time when I was only 6), and I don't want them hurt anymore.

 

Gosh, that got long. I don't know why I typed it all out. I guess I just want you to know, I get it. And I'm very sorry. These things always hurt. And we do try and do our best for our kids. Sometimes the best thing for them is letting go of a hope or a dream we had for them.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:grouphug: Back at you, Nakia.

 

I guess part of it too is knowing how different she is w/my nephew. I'd like to be able to say it's b/c of distance, but reality is, when we lived 10 mins away she wasn't attentive to my kids in the same way she is w/him.

 

She was different this past year, and I guess I got lulled into thinking she'd really changed, at least as far as being a gma went. I've come to realize that it was during my nephew's illness and surgeries that she became attentive and interested...now that he's home and healthy, we've ceased to exist.

 

For now, I think I'm just going to step back. If she calls, she calls...if not, then so be it. I can't make her be interested, or a good gma to my kids. I feel bad for my Dad, but he can always pick up the phone and call if he wants to.

 

I'm not going to make any announcements to them, or anything like that...I can't imagine the drama. Don't want to imagine the drama.

 

I'll email them when we have our new addy and ph # (assuming Wolf gets the job), and leave it at that.

 

If it fades away, then I'll have to accept that. Better than lining up to get hurt, or much worse, have my kids hurt.

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