What do you consider dating (re:Teens) Mostly thinking out loud here....

[jen3kids]

but what do you think?

 

My older ds (14) has a friend (girl) who has come to his wrestling matches - her parents or grandparents drop her off and pick her up. I can't control that. She is quite shy, but very polite and respectful.

 

Last week he asked if she could come home with him on the bus after school and her mom would pick her up at 5:30. We allowed that - an adult was home the entire time, no upstairs, just hanging out in the common areas of our house. I talked to her mom who called to make sure an adult would be home - she was fine with it.

 

On Saturday he asks if he can go to her grandparents' place 30 minutes away. I was away, but dh said he didn't want to drive as he had already driven 3 hours that morning, so sorry, but no. Ds was fine with that, he understood. He explains to her why not. She texts back that her grandparents will pick him up at 5 and bring him home at 8:30. Dh says yes. They hung out, played pool, ate dinner, watched tv.

 

Yesterday he asks if he can go home on the bus with her and then to her grandparents' house on Friday. I say to him that this is not 'just a friend', is it? He gives me a shy smile. Not really.

 

I've told him no dating until he's 16. Dh doesn't agree. He figures it's harmless; there is always an adult around. Neither of them drive (she's 15) so they're at the mercy of the adults.

 

This is entirely new ground for me and I'm not enjoying it. I'm so conflicted. He's growing up, needs some more freedom. I trust him, I guess, but I also have so many 'what ifs' running through my head. :confused:

[Heather in Neverland]

I would be concerned with the frequency... Seems like it is already getting intense. Also, if you are ok with the path they are taking I would at least want it under my roof so I can keep an eye on it. I used to go to my boyfriend's grandmother's house too and I can tell you that just because an adult is in the house does not stop you from doing what you shouldn't be doing.

 

All in all, I think 14 is a bit young to unleash strong emotions that will most likely end in one of them getting hurt.

 

YMMV

[itsheresomewhere]

IMO, I think this is an great way to help him understand the dating scene while building trust with you. Tell him that for right now they are not be alone, behind closed doors, etc but you are willing to try this to establish trust with him. He will be 16 before you know it and this could show you his maturity. Have a talk with her grandparents so they know your rules.

[Haiku]

I've told him no dating until he's 16. Dh doesn't agree. He figures it's harmless; there is always an adult around.

 

I agree. I am not a fan of teenagers having relationships, but really ...are you going to forbid contact/friendship with any girl he's interested in? That's a losing battle.

 

Properly supervised social time? Nothing wrong with it.

 

Tara

[J-rap]

I would be concerned with the frequency... Seems like it is already getting intense. Also, if you are ok with the path they are taking I would at least want it under my roof so I can keep an eye on it. I used to go to my boyfriend's grandmother's house too and I can tell you that just because an adult is in the house does not stop you from doing what you shouldn't be doing.

 

All in all, I think 14 is a bit young to unleash strong emotions that will most likely end in one of them getting hurt.

 

YMMV

 

Agree.

[bzymom]

Each family is different, so I can only give you our experiences and what I have learned.

 

I did not want my kids dating before 16. I faltered with one child, whom I allowed to "date" at 14 someone with whom they had been friends for years. When they broke up, as they always do, the friendship was ruined. Other friendships became strained as others chose sides. The heartbreak was awful for both, and I was reminded that children at this age are not ready to handle so many aspects of dating. (At least not mine!:tongue_smilie:)

 

And the number of invitations back and forth already? That would be a lot for me even at 16.

[jen3kids]

I would be concerned with the frequency...

 

 

 

My thoughts too and the texting is pretty much constant.

 

But, if it is forbidden, it becomes more desirable....

 

What is the proper balance? :confused:

 

Is there even one? :confused:

[JessReplanted]

I would be concerned with the frequency... Seems like it is already getting intense. Also, if you are ok with the path they are taking I would at least want it under my roof so I can keep an eye on it. I used to go to my boyfriend's grandmother's house too and I can tell you that just because an adult is in the house does not stop you from doing what you shouldn't be doing.

 

All in all, I think 14 is a bit young to unleash strong emotions that will most likely end in one of them getting hurt.

 

:iagree:

 

I would try to keep it to your house and have them see each other only twice a week (at the most). 14 is a great time to form really good friendships - this is what I'd be encouraging.

[Wheres Toto]

IMO, I think this is an great way to help him understand the dating scene while building trust with you. Tell him that for right now they are not be alone, behind closed doors, etc but you are willing to try this to establish trust with him. He will be 16 before you know it and this could show you his maturity. Have a talk with her grandparents so they know your rules.

 

I agree. I am not a fan of teenagers having relationships, but really ...are you going to forbid contact/friendship with any girl he's interested in? That's a losing battle.

 

Properly supervised social time? Nothing wrong with it.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

I wouldn't have a problem with the situation you described and it's the perfect chance to be able to help him deal with any issues that come up and talk to him about relationships, while still having a lot of control over their contact.

 

Forbidding the relationship isn't necessarily going to change his feelings. I gather they go to school together? So they still would see each other every day and trying to forbid it may lead to him just not sharing with you.

 

I used to let me dd call a boy she liked her "boyfriend" or "special friend" before she was allowed to date at 16. They were not allowed to go anywhere unsupervised and it was mainly at school or supervised dances at a local church. Group activities with parents present. I feel like it gave her practice without the pressure of one-on-one. She now has a boyfriend and she has a lot of confidence in her own ability to decide what she wants and not accept pressure to do things she's not comfortable with. So many of her friends think having a boyfriend is the ultimate goal and accept poor behavior because they don't want to lose him. I feel like the earlier, safe practice helped take some of the mystery out of having a "boyfriend".

 

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 and my mother was very firm about no pre-dating either. So when I was 16 I was clueless about interacting with boys and it made for some very rough years.

[Annie G]

As long as it's supervised, I'd be fine with it. Our girls weren't allowed to date until 16 but were allowed (with supervision) to hang out at our house or a boy's house.

I don't think our girls noticed that when they had a boy 'friend' that we ramped up our family activities and obligations, meaning they had less spare time to be available for the boy. Once or twice a week was about average for them to see a boy.

All three girls had first relationships that lasted a long time- a year, five years, and so far, 13 years (she married that one!).

 

I think it's tricky to find the right balance- every family seems to find what works for them.

[MariannNOVA]

I am continuing to read what everyone writes in this thread.

 

We are not really 'there' but I see how all this 'evolves.'

 

We are promoting the 'just friends' approach, but honestly, feelings are feelings, how do we really promote 'just friends?'

 

I agree with heather -- dh and I are trying to make certain that friends remain friends for a long long time and not ruin what could be a very nice friendship.

[lynn]

. We let ds go to the movies with a girl and her parents I think he was 14 at the time. Started a bad situation for us. I had to call the girls mom several times regarding e-mails and IM's I found. I never knew a 14 year old girl knew such things. The kids went through months of not seeing or communicating with each other. They are 16 and 15 now and we let them see each other with supervision.

Edited February 13, 2012 by lynn

[ktgrok]

I think I'd limit it to once a week. Tell him that it isn't healthy to neglect other social avenues when he likes a girl like this. He needs to spend time with other friends, with his family, etc. Once a week would be my maximum. (that wouldn't include wrestling)

[lmrich]

The best advice is to get busy. Fill his time with other things to do. My son now has a girlfriend (yikes!!!); they met at church. They went to the movies in the daytime with a group of friends. He wanted to take her out this coming weekend, but we are busy. We will be busy a lot.

[jen3kids]

:iagree:

I wouldn't have a problem with the situation you described and it's the perfect chance to be able to help him deal with any issues that come up and talk to him about relationships, while still having a lot of control over their contact.

 

Forbidding the relationship isn't necessarily going to change his feelings. I gather they go to school together? So they still would see each other every day and trying to forbid it may lead to him just not sharing with you.

 

I used to let me dd call a boy she liked her "boyfriend" or "special friend" before she was allowed to date at 16. They were not allowed to go anywhere unsupervised and it was mainly at school or supervised dances at a local church. Group activities with parents present. I feel like it gave her practice without the pressure of one-on-one. She now has a boyfriend and she has a lot of confidence in her own ability to decide what she wants and not accept pressure to do things she's not comfortable with. So many of her friends think having a boyfriend is the ultimate goal and accept poor behavior because they don't want to lose him. I feel like the earlier, safe practice helped take some of the mystery out of having a "boyfriend".

 

 

They have one class together, so 2-3x/week, plus lunch on those days. They might see each other before school for 20 minutes too.

 

I'm hoping that this does give him confidence and no one-on-one will ease any pressure.

 

 

 

 

 

As long as it's supervised, I'd be fine with it. Our girls weren't allowed to date until 16 but were allowed (with supervision) to hang out at our house or a boy's house.

I don't think our girls noticed that when they had a boy 'friend' that we ramped up our family activities and obligations, meaning they had less spare time to be available for the boy. Once or twice a week was about average for them to see a boy.

All three girls had first relationships that lasted a long time- a year, five years, and so far, 13 years (she married that one!).

 

I think it's tricky to find the right balance- every family seems to find what works for them.

 

This is what I'm leaning towards.

 

I am continuing to read what everyone writes in this thread.

 

We are not really 'there' but I see how all this 'evolves.'

 

We are promoting the 'just friends' approach, but honestly, feelings are feelings, how do we really promote 'just friends?'

 

I agree with heather -- dh and I are trying to make certain that friends remain friends for a long long time and not ruin what could be a very nice friendship.

 

Exactly, you can't control their feelings.

 

I think I'd limit it to once a week. Tell him that it isn't healthy to neglect other social avenues when he likes a girl like this. He needs to spend time with other friends, with his family, etc. Once a week would be my maximum. (that wouldn't include wrestling)

 

And, we've seen a bit of this. Not hanging out with a neighbourhood boy he usually does a few times a week.

 

And at wrestling he sat with her, not the other boys. Unfortunately, his coach didn't have a problem with it :glare: I talked to him about it and explained that he was part of a TEAM, and he was to watch all their matches and cheer them on.

[Haiku]

the texting is pretty much constant.

 

Rather than banning any type of spending time together, I would address this. My dd17 has lost her phone on more than one occasion for abusing the rules of using it, which include not texting while she is talking to/involved in an activity with other people (so no texting while talking to mom, no texting while playing a game with the youngers, etc.), no texting while she is supposed to be doing her homework, and no texting after 10 o'clock. Set ground rules for appropriate texting behavior and enforce those. I have also reminded her friends of the rules we have.

 

Is there even one? :confused:

 

That will vary by family. Personally, I think there is a balance to be had. My dd had a boyfriend when she was 16. It was against my better judgment, but dh didn't have a problem with it, so I chose not to fight that battle. They were allowed to see each other twice a week, with occasional allowances for more visits if it was a group activity.

 

Tara

[BlsdMama]

Harmless or not, I have to wonder if it is wise to encourage strong(er) emotional attachments between fourteen year old children. With older teens (17-19) it is reasonable to believe in a positive outcome. Too many accept dating as a societal norm when it's actually relatively new and damaging. I wouldn't do it. Then again, my sixteen year old daughter won't be dating either.

[jen3kids]

Rather than banning any type of spending time together, I would address this. My dd17 has lost her phone on more than one occasion for abusing the rules of using it, which include not texting while she is talking to/involved in an activity with other people (so no texting while talking to mom, no texting while playing a game with the youngers, etc.), no texting while she is supposed to be doing her homework, and no texting after 10 o'clock. Set ground rules for appropriate texting behavior and enforce those. I have also reminded her friends of the rules we have.

 

 

 

That will vary by family. Personally, I think there is a balance to be had. My dd had a boyfriend when she was 16. It was against my better judgment, but dh didn't have a problem with it, so I chose not to fight that battle. They were allowed to see each other twice a week, with occasional allowances for more visits if it was a group activity.

 

Tara

 

We definitely need to set firmer boundaries with the texting. I've seen much worse than he is, but that may not be saying much :001_huh:

 

My dh sees nothing wrong with ds going there or her coming here, but then again, he didn't see anything wrong with our 12 year old dd going to a movie with a boy over Christmas break :confused: I was adamant about that one!

 

But this is different. Dh doesn't want to make a big deal of it because he figures if we do, ds will want it more and make a bigger deal of it. But, I worry about sending the message that everything is ok, no worries.

[Riverland]

nm