Don't you think this is an appropriate consequence?

[summer]

My 6 yr old is having a procedure today that involves anesthesia. As a result, he cannot eat. I needed time to look up the address on google maps and such so I woke up my 13.5 yr old and instructed him to watch DS6 very closely. I explained the situation and the importance that the 6 yr old not eat. I said play with him, do what it takes to keep him happy, just make sure that no matter what, do NOT let him eat.

 

Now, DS13 is almost 14 and very looking forward to getting his drivers permit. Where I grew up, the age for that was 14, but here it is 15. Then at 16, he cannot wait until he gets to drive. He has spoken a fair amount about this. I have had considerable talks with him about needing to prove he is responsible enough. I have shown him, while driving around and in the news, examples of irresponsbility and the possible consequences and so on.

 

SO, now, DS13.5 is supposed to be watching DS6. DS6 has some special needs so cannot be counted on to not eat on his own. But I did explain to him to not eat. I was on the computer trying to get a map of the location and when I was unable to, I had to call the place to find out where it was. Apparently, the address is such that it does not show up on google maps. They were trying to give me directions when DS13.5 walks in and informs me that DS6 ate. I asked how? What? DS13.5 said he was upstairs and just really wanted to finish this level on a video game and DS6 was fine and watching him play but apparently got up and left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen and ate. DS13 did not notice until he came down the stairs and caught DS6 eating. DS13 seems to think that playing a video game was a perfectly fine excuse for not watching DS.

 

I told ds13 that he is now grounding from the video games. He has to do the dishes and fold the laundry. DS's normal chores would have included emptying the dishwasher and folding a small amount of laundry. Now his punishment is that in addition to emptying the dishwasher, he has to fill it. In addition to folding some laundry, he has to fold more laundry.

 

I think this consequence is not at all to an excess. What do you think?

[swellmomma]

I think that other than losing the video games adding extra chores is more for you wanting to make him "suffer" and do not have a correlation to not watching his brother and letting him eat. Adding the extra chores because you are going to be gone for this procedure is fine but I do not see the purpose in adding it it just for punishment.

 

What I would do, is lose the video games and then a consequence that matched the error on his part. so because he could not responsible about a food issue, he has to prepare all meals for a week so something like that.

[newbie]

My 6 yr old is having a procedure today that involves anesthesia. As a result, he cannot eat. I needed time to look up the address on google maps and such so I woke up my 13.5 yr old and instructed him to watch DS6 very closely. I explained the situation and the importance that the 6 yr old not eat. I said play with him, do what it takes to keep him happy, just make sure that no matter what, do NOT let him eat.

 

Now, DS13 is almost 14 and very looking forward to getting his drivers permit. Where I grew up, the age for that was 14, but here it is 15. Then at 16, he cannot wait until he gets to drive. He has spoken a fair amount about this. I have had considerable talks with him about needing to prove he is responsible enough. I have shown him, while driving around and in the news, examples of irresponsbility and the possible consequences and so on.

 

SO, now, DS13.5 is supposed to be watching DS6. DS6 has some special needs so cannot be counted on to not eat on his own. But I did explain to him to not eat. I was on the computer trying to get a map of the location and when I was unable to, I had to call the place to find out where it was. Apparently, the address is such that it does not show up on google maps. They were trying to give me directions when DS13.5 walks in and informs me that DS6 ate. I asked how? What? DS13.5 said he was upstairs and just really wanted to finish this level on a video game and DS6 was fine and watching him play but apparently got up and left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen and ate. DS13 did not notice until he came down the stairs and caught DS6 eating. DS13 seems to think that playing a video game was a perfectly fine excuse for not watching DS.

 

I told ds13 that he is now grounding from the video games. He has to do the dishes and fold the laundry. DS's normal chores would have included emptying the dishwasher and folding a small amount of laundry. Now his punishment is that in addition to emptying the dishwasher, he has to fill it. In addition to folding some laundry, he has to fold more laundry.

 

I think this consequence is not at all to an excess. What do you think?

 

I think it was fair. You trusted him, and thought he could handle the job. He didn't, so there are consequences. You didn't ground him for a month.

 

 

He needs to build your trust back. Its not a huge situation, but its one you wanted him to take care of while you were busy.

 

He will be okay.

Jet

[Tracey in TX]

Is the surgery going to be rescheduled? If so, we would have DS also not eat alongside brother b/c it's really cruel to be hungry and not eat. Due to his lack to responsibility, younger brother has to repeat process and he should support brother by also not eating (until surgery has begun).

Extra chores are a good way to begin repairing some of the trust damage--with a happy heart and no video games until suggested chores are complete and surgery is successful.

 

I'd be pretty ticked and very disappointed in both boys for this oversight. It's as much younger DS's fault as he knew he shouldn't be eating as older DS's lack of observation.

 

Let us know how the surgery goes for the little guy!

[Joanne]

I think this was an unfair place to put your 13/14/15 year old in.

 

These were/are special circumstances that warranted *adult* supervision.

[katilac]

I think this was an unfair place to put your 13/14/15 year old in.

 

These were/are special circumstances that warranted *adult* supervision.

 

I disagree. This was a very simple, short task and the importance of it was carefully explained. To say that a 13 year old is incapable of handling it boggles my mind.

 

I think that Americans have a strong tendency to infantalize young people. I would have no qualms about giving the exact same task to either my 9 year old or my 7 year old.

 

I think the consequences are both logical and quite mild. The extra chores are hardly onerous - - my 7 yr old does more than this level of 'punishment' chores on a daily basis. He was distracted by video games, so those are removed for a bit, and he is causing extra work and worry, so he does more chores to make up for that. Makes sense to me.

[BlsdMama]

What makes it appropriate or not appropriate depends on the conversation that went along with it.

 

If the conversation was a general rant and punishing out of anger, then it was inappropriate.

 

If the conversation included something to the effect of, "I trusted you with an important responsibility and you failed because you chose that the video game was more important than behaving in a responsible manner as a young man... Therefore you will have to take on more responsibility in order to prove to me you aren't a little boy..." And adding more LONG TERM responsibilities, not a one day punishment, would have been appropriate.

 

Do I think you were too harsh? NO! Do I think a 13yo boy should be able to watch a 6yo for 15 minutes while Mom handles something she has to handle? Yes. Personally, I think an 8 or 9yo could have reasonably handled it.

 

Now, do I think your punishment was sufficient? Not really if you're asking for honest feedback. Because after the laundry is done and you've yelled at him a bit more, he'll go back to his video games and you've done absolutely nothing to help him become a responsible man *in this situation.* This young man failed you at a pretty important task which should tell you he needs some fairly serious character training. At almost 14, he's not a little boy anymore and I'm hoping you're training him for the man/husband/father you want him to become rather than training him to behave like an irresponsible little boy... video games will cause that, as will not having enough responsibilities. My .02 is that he should be given masculine responsibilities at this point - all lawn and yard work, and much of any repair work around the house by 14. He should be taking over jobs generally considered Dad's.

 

And there is a way you can tell if you handled it correctly.

 

Ask yourself this: In the end, did he have a change of heart? Did he feel genuinely sorry, realize what he did wrong. Would this same situation happen again or was there a real realization of how he let you down?

OR

In the end, did he complete the tasks and have a general sour face and feel resentment that he was stuck doing this, making excuses for his behaviour (out loud, or to himself, or in his head) and didn't learn a darn thing?

 

And that is the bar.

[love2read]

13 years old is old enough to watch a little brother for a short time and make sure he hasn't eaten. In our house an 8 year old would be able to do that task if he wanted to. Actually, I could see an even younger child do it. I think your punishment was just. With teens I try to make the punishment fit the "crime" as often as possible. He failed to be responsible, so giving extra chores was appropriate although he probably won't make the connection. I think having him fast with his brother is an excellent idea. You may want to tell him that you rethought the punishment and that the video grounding is still on, but that instead of extra chores he's going to fast next time.

 

One thing I've learned with all these teens is to send them to their rooms while I think about how to deal with the situation. It gives me time to cool down and to determine what, if any, punishment is suitable.

 

Try not to be too upset with your son. I know this made a long day even longer but at least he was honest. Many kids would have lied in order to get out of a punishment. What a problem that would have created!

[Joanne]

I think this was an unfair place to put your 13/14/15 year old in.

 

These were/are special circumstances that warranted *adult* supervision.

I disagree. This was a very simple, short task and the importance of it was carefully explained. To say that a 13 year old is incapable of handling it boggles my mind.

 

I think that Americans have a strong tendency to infantalize young people. I would have no qualms about giving the exact same task to either my 9 year old or my 7 year old.

 

I think the consequences are both logical and quite mild. The extra chores are hardly onerous - - my 7 yr old does more than this level of 'punishment' chores on a daily basis. He was distracted by video games, so those are removed for a bit, and he is causing extra work and worry, so he does more chores to make up for that. Makes sense to me.

 

My 13, 11 and 9 year old are expected to do more than, be responsible for and "handle" much more than many of the families on this board. I do not fit your characterization of "infantalizing" kids.

 

 

I do think that having a 6 year old with special food/eating/blood sugar?? needs prep appropriately for a medical procedure absolutely needs to be under the supervision of adults *only*.

[Danestress]

All he had to do was be there and not let the kid eat. If the kid gave him any trouble about that, Mom was right there in the house. He could give her a shout.

 

Now, if Mom had wanted to run a bunch of errands and leave a 13 year old with that job, I can see how that might be a problem. With no adult on hand, not ever 13 year old would be able to manage a defiant, hungry, miserable 6 year old in a way that a parent would. So I wouldn't have left the house. Bu in this case, all the older brother had to do was be there. Just be there.

[linders]

by those who feel the 13 year old should not have been entrusted with this task. I have a babysitter come on occasion to watch my DS 7 and 5. She is 13. I leave the house, and I am entrusting her with the safety and welfare of two mischievous boys. She knows that watching them does not include chatting on her cell phone or playing on the computer. When I was 12, I was babysitting for infants and young children while parents were out for the evening.

 

The 13 year old was not asked to take on this responsbility for hours - just for a short period of time. He was asked to play with and entertain the 6 year old, which I hardly think includes "getting to the next level" on a video game.

 

Personally, it sounds like he is somewhat addicted to the video games, and I would take them away for a month then consider a carefully-monitored reintroduction.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I wish the best for your little guy!

[katilac]

My 13, 11 and 9 year old are expected to do more than, be responsible for and "handle" much more than many of the families on this board. I do not fit your characterization of "infantalizing" kids.

 

 

I do think that having a 6 year old with special food/eating/blood sugar?? needs prep appropriately for a medical procedure absolutely needs to be under the supervision of adults *only*.

 

To clarify, I only mentioned the chores to point out that I don't think the consequences are excessive at all. I don't think the amount of chores he does or doesn't do on a regular basis is relevant to what he was asked to do.

 

And I don't doubt you when you say your kids are expected to do more than, be responsible for and "handle" much more than some other kids. I don't, however, think it's necessarily that relevant to the case in hand.

 

I think we're not going to agree on what infantalizing kids means. I think it occurs not only when we do not expect the young members of our family to contribute to the household in a positive way (routine chores and responsibility), but when we do not give them the chance to prove themselves in more important tasks.

 

This was a very simple, yet important task. It was better for him to fail at it, than to be deprived of the chance of succeeding. It was not better for his brother, who now has to repeat the process, but seeing pain that we caused is one way we learn to put the needs of others first.

[Ohio12]

I think this was an unfair place to put your 13/14/15 year old in.

 

These were/are special circumstances that warranted *adult* supervision.

 

 

I disagree, 14 yos used to get married and be considered adults.

[summer]

I was in the house, on the phone, asking directions to the place. At 13, I babysat children by myself. I did not go off and watch tv shows and ignore the children or otherwise. This was a time period of less than 30 minutes. This was more likely maybe 15 minutes. It was the time it was taking to put in the address on google maps enough times to figure out it just was not coming up and then call the center while they give directions. I had explained very very carefully to my 13 yr old how important it was that he not eat and what was going on today. If there had been any issues, my 13 yr old could have said something as I was down the hall. I really do not believe I expected too much of him. I am just so much at a loss as to what to do with teenagers as far as discipline and guidance goes. I honestly feel like I am flailing in the wind here with him.

 

Oh, and honestly, my sisters and I were perfectionists and our parents took a very hands off approach to raising us, so, I do not recall any disciplining from my teenaged years. DS13 did come to me and tell me about what happened, which I am glad for. DS6 does not have any health problems that cause a special diet, he is just speech delayed and because he is 6, I was afraid he would forget and eat...which is what he did. That was the whole reason I asked DS13 to help. I needed to get directions to the place and the most reasonable thing to do to make sure DS6 did not eat anything was to have DS13 help. I just think that no person who is of low enough character to chose to play video games like that and shirk his responsibility because he thought he would not get caught, is anywhere near ready for a drivers permit or a license or otherwise.

[SnowWhite]

Summer, you keep mentioning driver's permits and licenses, but those are 1.5 years away, correct? You son is going to mature *drastically* in 1.5 years. The way you keep talking about them, I get the feeling you left a sentence out of your OP, like "I also told him he will *not* get his license until he is 17 yo" or something like that. *That*, IMO would be too drastic.

 

Your little no video games, extra dishes and laundry punishment is not too drastic.

 

What concerns me in your son's behavior is not so much the lack of responsibility, which seems to concern you, but in my view, *his direct disobedience*. In fifteen minutes, he failed to do what you asked him to do (play with his brother) and instead got into a video game and tried to go to the next level. I would be tempted to remove the video games until he shows me he knows how to obey your instructions for a certain period (like a month).

[Pink Fairy]

First, a :grouphug:--cause these things are always hard!

 

Is your son normally reliable, or is this typical of his behavior? It's not AT ALL unreasonable to expect him to watch his brother for 15 minutes or so, although it might give me pause if he is usually unreliable. At his age, you should be able to trust him with such a simple task. Heck, even my 8yob could handle that. So I think your consequences are very appropriate. If he is typically thoughtless and self-centered, take a look at how you can help him be a better person.

 

Good luck!