lwilliams1922 Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 DH's parents live about 12 hrs away by car. The cancer has recently spread to his brain and we've been told there is not much time left. MIL has requested that DH come ASAP. She wants him to come alone. DH is a bit hessitant. She asked him to come about 3-4 days ago. I think he is scared. I've told him I support ANY thing he needs to do for his parents. We have 3 kids here: dd 12 (mine from previous relationship) dd2, dd1. we've been married 5 years & DH is an only child. He was always close to his mom, didnt REALLY get close to his dad till cancer diag 2 years ago. I am wondering why she is insistent that he come alone. I know she is under a lot of stress so I havent questioned it but now I feel like DH needs support. I offered to take the kids and stay in a near by hotel. He said she is such a care taker and it would stress her to know that family is around and she is not taking care of them. Now I know MIL LOVES 2 yr old dd. She hasn't had much time to get close to 1 yr old since the cancer situation. I am beginning to question if there is a problem MIL has with me?? I'm a very easy going person and I've never said any thing negative to or about her. I do wonder if she could have issues with some of my non-main stream parenting choices: DD #3 was a home birth DD#2 we started teaching ASL very young. MIL was scared this would hamper her verbal communication. DD#1 I just started home schooling we feed the kids fresh non-non processed food, no sweets. MIL thinks kids should have the 'good stuff' kids are expected to work before playing (school work and or chores like sweeping, making their beds) I don't even know her response to DD#3 being non vaxed She mentioned her concerns to DH on these and other issues. He told me he explained the benefits but I suspect maybe she just contains her disapproval?? So here is the dilema... If DH goes tonight (which I think he should), he could potentially be there a week or 2, or more? He could be there till FIL passes, in which case I would be here with the kids. One of our cars is not operational now and the $700 airfare (each) is not even close to being possible now. So we'd not be able to get there. I think DH is terrifed of the emotional task at hand as well as the responsibility of figuring out what all he needs to do. Should I say or suggest anything? or should I just keep encouraging DH to go ASAP alone like his mom wants?? sorry for rambling. i'm just not sure what I should do. thanks for any suggestions, thoughts and or prayers. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soph the vet Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Hard situation but I would send dh alone as long as he is ok with that. Try to respect your MIL's wishes, it is her dh dying and wants her only son home. The only thing that would trump that for me is if dh insists that you and dc come along as your first allegiance is to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I am sorry about your FIL. At this point, you dh needs to go and be with his parents. I would rent a car for him to drive out there or have him fly. You could follow later in your own car. I would not take personally your MIL's request that he come alone for now. You dh makes a good point and I think you should accept it (I hope that doesn't sound harsh). You will be available to your dh over the phone and he can request you all to come when he needs you there. I hope that helps. Hugs for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Q Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Hard situation but I would send dh alone as long as he is ok with that. Try to respect your MIL's wishes, it is her dh dying and wants her only son home. The only thing that would trump that for me is if dh insists that you and dc come along as your first allegiance is to him. ITA. I would encourage him to go - and soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I sent DH in a airplane on his own. Unfortunately, he arrived too late. I didn't go up until after the funeral. At that point, my DMIL was happy to have her only grandchild to distract her as I took care of all the paper work. That is what worked in our situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 When DH's father was dying, DH went alone to be there for his final days. He and his mother were together at the hospital for a number of days. Later, I wondered whether I had failed DH. It would have been really good for him if I had been there in some ways - he's said as much. I think we tend to want our spouses in those situations. At the same time, kids your age are a massive handful. I had two year old twins. My MIL adored them - it wasn't that. But children can be a huge distraction, and when it comes to end of life periods, I think it's really quite reasonable for your MIL not to want you to come out if it means having them around. But even more, you and your MIL probably aren't super close yet. You probably aren't really just like a daughter in her heart. And maybe she feels like having you there would be sort of weird - like she's going through the hardest thing in her life, and she wants her son, but she doesn't really want "extend family" (which means you) in the way. I think that's probably how my MIL felt. That she liked me and wanted to get to love me, but this was a family crisis, and she wanted to be with the person who was really truly family in the deepest sense to her - which I wasn't yet - and DH was. I would have been in the way for her, on some level. She wanted my DH to be totally there for *her* - not to have a wife and young kids around that, no matter how much a trooper the wife is, at some point, her son would have felt like he needed to go help her out with the kids. Don't take this personally. Your husband will be overwhelmed by the emotional responsibilities and the drama of this and what it means for him whether you are there or not. Let him work it out with his mother. It will mean a lot to her. Don't take this personally. It's really probably not about you at all, and the worst thing you could possibly do right now is to start asking DH whether this means she doesn't like you. That would definitely NOT help his stress level. Just remove yourself from the equation. Send him, make plans for the kids so that you can go to the funeral. Honestly, I don't know what else you can do. I questioned sending DH alone, but I feel in retrospect that it was the right thing to do - primarily because it was what MIL wanted and it seems like you should have what you want when your DH is dying, you know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qs3 Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. We went through something similar a few months ago, except my father committed suicide. My brother flew over immediately, but I was *really* hesitant to go. Ultimately, I did go, and now I'm glad I did. It was really important to face the pain and the reality, even though I didn't think I could deal with it. However, my dh did come with me. If your dh thinks that he would need your support, I would consider going. We didn't bring our children with us. I don't know your MIL, but maybe in her mind, it would be really hard if your dc were there? Maybe she would feel like if she didn't focus everything on your FIL, she'd feel disloyal in some way? Honestly, I don't know... Maybe she doesn't want your kids to go through the sadness, even if they are in a hotel? Do you belong to a church where maybe someone could help with the plane ticket? We knew someone, who knew someone who worked for Delta, so we got really cheap tickets. I'll be praying for your family that every detail works out smoothly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 My suspicion is that this is because MIL thinks it is too scarey for the kids to see FIL like this (assuming MIL does not have a history of treating you or the children poorly). I would just take the whole family and get there as fast as you can. 7 years ago, my grandfather laid dying..similiar situation. He looked awful. It was easy to cry when seeing him. My own older sister did not come under the excuse of not wanting to remember him that way. All I can say is "ohhh PUH lease!!" If 30+ yrs of memories will be blocked out by coming in the final days, then you have much bigger and more serious issues. Fact is, I was with my grandfather in his last awake moments. I love my grandfather so much. I do not want my children and grandchildren to avoid me when I am dying. Imagine the horror of the children and grandchildren saying you look so bad that we would rather not see you and you do not see your loved ones in your final days. This is a time to love and embrace. Pack the entire family and just go and let MIL deal with it. Do stay in a hotel once there so you are not a burden on MIL at all (I am guessing she might be concerned about feeding and caring for everyone). Perhaps she just wants DH there to comfort her without the distractions of his family. I am unsure. I happen to have a nasty MIL who always tries to get DH to prove to her that she means more to him than we do and that me and our children are just a little fun side game that should not interfere with his "real family" meaning her. If this happened, it would be clear it is for the usual reason with my MIL. (((hugs))) Sorry about FIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I was in a similar situation three years ago. It is not easy but the best thing you can do it to step aside and let your dh do what needs to be done. Really, it is not a personal thing between you and your mil. In fact it could be taken as a compliment. She *wants* to try at her relationship with you, his new wife, but feels she cannot while she is greiving this significant loss. Let him go and send all your love and support. After she will probably thank you for it. My mil has been fighting cancer for several years and each time she calls for dh to go he does. She thanks me each time. This is what is needed and husbands have a way of compartmentalizing these feeling until they get home. If he knows that you will love and support him until it is over he will stay strong for his mom. This is what she needs...his undistracted presence. It took me a few tries to get this right and I know it can be difficult. I will pray for you and yours. These days are never easy. Trina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 When my dad was sick, there was no way I could have focused on helping my parents and taking care of my kids. I would imagine your mil is feeling a little of that, too. She probably wants to be able to focus on her dh without feeling as if she should be paying attention to her grandchildren. I know you are able to take care of your kids without her help, but people who aren't used to being around small children -- even people who *love* small children -- can find them distracting. When you add the stress of a loved one's last days to it, it's even worse. My oldest is six, so even I have to readjust to toddler mode when I'm with my friends with younger kids. Death bed vigils are tiring, stressful, and long. As young as your children are, there is very little you can do to help, and it will be hard to stay out of the way and keep your children entertained alone during that time. I would respect her wishes and send your dh alone. There are a lot of hard things she needs to focus on right now, and having him alone will free him up considerably. I wouldn't take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 The two-year-old and one-year-old are not going to have any memories of these last days if she does take them. Disregarding her mil's wishes and making her deal with it could possibly damage a relationship that while new, seems to be pretty good so far. Now, if the OP's dh wants her to come, that would be different. But it sounds as if her dh has given her a good reason why her mil doesn't want them there, and I think she should respect it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaylk in tx Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 The two-year-old and one-year-old are not going to have any memories of these last days if she does take them. Disregarding her mil's wishes and making her deal with it could possibly damage a relationship that while new, seems to be pretty good so far. Now, if the OP's dh wants her to come, that would be different. But it sounds as if her dh has given her a good reason why her mil doesn't want them there, and I think she should respect it. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugglin'5 Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 :iagree: Yep, I agree too. Let him go. Don't make the kids an issue at this very stressful time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Please don't read too much into your MIL's statements. She is overwhelmed and grieving. I am a widow, my dh died of cancer, so I know what your MIL is going through. Really, don't take her comments personally. When my dh was home on hospice care I sent my MIL home for a week because I couldn't deal with everyone. I love my MIL like she's a second mother- I was just too stressed out. (She still loves me even though I sent her away.) I am wondering why she is insistent that he come alone. I know she is under a lot of stress so I havent questioned it but now I feel like DH needs support. I offered to take the kids and stay in a near by hotel. He said she is such a care taker and it would stress her to know that family is around and she is not taking care of them. My guess is that she thinks having the young children around would be too distracting for her and your dh, when they need to be concentrating their energies on your FIL. I think DH is terrifed of the emotional task at hand as well as the responsibility of figuring out what all he needs to do. Should I say or suggest anything? or should I just keep encouraging DH to go ASAP alone like his mom wants?? Tell your DH to go ASAP. Going to be with someone who is dying is a difficult thing to do, but he will be glad he did the right thing. If he doesn't go at all, he will regret it for the rest of his life. My mother died of cancer, and I was in the house when she passed but I regret that I was not at her bedside. That experience helped me step up and be there for DH, even though it was a heart rending thing to watch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwilliams1922 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 I feel better about it after reading your thoughts. I just wanted a 'reality check'. I will continue to encourage DH to leave ASAP as his mom requested. My mom is the one that thinks i should press the issue about going to support DH. I do worry about DH because I think he is holding it all in. I will wait till he indicates he needs me though. thank you for the prayers! L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwilliams1922 Posted June 14, 2008 Author Share Posted June 14, 2008 I insisted DH leave this afternoon (drive is 12 hrs). MIL just called him on the road to tell him FIL just pased and how he really wanted to see DH. DH is now 4 hrs away (from his parents house) and is emotionally crushed. I am so sad that he's on the highway (pulled over) and I can't hold him. DH just retired from the army. 20 years of military training and dealing with death. He was so strong during the illness but I think ALL of it suddently JUST hit him. please pray for DH and MIL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 MIL just called him on the road to tell him FIL just pased and how he really wanted to see DH. Oh that's so sad. My dad died 19 years ago when I was only 21 and I wasn't with him when he passed. We didn't have a lot of money so I purchased my tickets with a 7-day advance to get a discount, only my dad passed away before I got there. It's a guilt I hold. My DH reminds me, when the subject comes up, that I made the best decision at the time and hindsight is always 20/20. Just be supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancypants Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 I would encourage him to go ahead and go alone... She is very fragile right now so I would be inclined to honor her wishes... it's hard to know why but everyone grieves differently. She may not want the children to have to see her so upset... the kids would probably want to see their grandpa and she may not want them to have to see him like this and have that be their last memory of him... Her reasons could be anywhere from practical to intensely personal or a whole bunch of both and anything in between. I think the best thing to do is to encourage him to honor her wishes and not take it personally (even though I know that's hard.) My MIL will be heading down the same road as your FIL in the near future probably... so I know what you are going through (we also do not live near, several days drive in fact, and are struggling with the "who all travels and how..." and we can't afford it, etc... he already went down a few weeks ago when they thought she was going to go but she bounced back... not sure if "bounced" is the word... but you kwim.) Hang in there... and just do your best to not take any of it personally... she is earnestly entering her grief stage at this point probably and it's just not a time when you want to attribute any motives that are probably not there. She probably just feels like she needs her son during this time... :grouphug: ETA: I'm sorry, I just read your update.... (there I go again, not reading all the way through the thread!) I'm so sorry for your family's loss... and I'm so sorry you cannot be with your dh. I can only imagine... (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Q Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Oh I am so sorry. Praying for your family - :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain that your dh and mil must be feeling right now. These things are just hard no matter how you do it. Even though your dh wasn't able to be there when his father died, he was trying to get there. And he will be able to help and comfort his mother now. Just be available to talk any time he needs to reach you. He and his mom will have so many decisions to make over the next few days. He may need to vent or just to hear the sounds of life and happiness at home. It may help him just to hear the children playing or the baby babbling. My fil died before we had any children and I was there with dh for the funeral and all, but I know how trying this time can be. I'll be praying for all involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwilliams1922 Posted June 15, 2008 Author Share Posted June 15, 2008 MIL now wants the grandchildren there ASAP. We cant afford the airfare, 3 tickets no advance purchase (berievement fare was only 10% off) So DH would have to drive 12 hrs each way to pick us up. I think DH is in a VERY difficult possition. His mother is asking him to bring the kids to her but I just think it's too much to send him on a 24 hr drive right now. any thoughts suggestions?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui in mo Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 Is MIL able to help with airline tickets at all? I agree that's too straining on DH to do that much driving. Are you able to rent a car & drive yourself? Just some thoughts. So sorry you're going through this. Jacqui Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 Can you rent a car and drive there? I know 12 hours in the car alone with a 2 y.o. and a 1 y.o. would be tough, but your 12 y.o. could help. Or can he fly? I am sorry about your fil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 I am so sorry for all the pain you all must be going through. I will keep you in my prayers that you will find some peace. As far as the trip with you and the kids perhaps a stand by flight would work. Maybe if you agreed to take the next available flight you could get a cheaper fair for one way. Maybe a train ride would suit in your region. Can a friend help you get there and fly back (leaving the cost to be only one way flight) These are all options if they work. Perhaps you mil could help out with the cost. I hope a solution come to your mind soon. Praying! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 I agree with the other ideas. I would consider them in the following order: 1. Mil helps buy airline tickets for you and kids. 2. Mil helps you to rent a car and drive out (I do understand this would be really, really hard.) 3. Get a friend to help you drive out in a rented car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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