What would you have done/do?

[Melissa in Australia]

Thanks for all your replies guys.

 

This guy is so domineering and weird that I know people who no longer shop in the suppermarket he works in, just in case they bump into him.

Edited February 10, 2012 by melissaL

[Melissa in Australia]

:001_huh: I think she already said she DIDN'T care what his opinion was, it was the manner in which it was done that was the concern! :001_smile:

:iagree: that is right.

[Haiku]

it was the manner in which it was done that was the concern!

 

That makes sense, but one thing I always ask myself when I encounter someone who says something rude/thoughtless/jaw-dropping is, "Is it my mission to call out every rude person I meet?" It's not, so I generally just keep my mouth shut.

 

Another thing I ask myself is, "Is it possible this person is just as surprised by how rude he/she just was as I am?" Yes, it's certainly possible. We all stick out feet in our mouths occasionally. Cut people some slack.

 

And lastly, making cutting remarks to others generally reflects poorly on you. I know that when I hear people engaged in a battle of snark, I think a bit poorly of both. I think more highly of the people who don't engage.

 

Tara

[Brindee]

That makes sense, but one thing I always ask myself when I encounter someone who says something rude/thoughtless/jaw-dropping is, "Is it my mission to call out every rude person I meet?" It's not, so I generally just keep my mouth shut.

No, I agree, not my job either, just sometimes I WANT to! ;)

 

Another thing I ask myself is, "Is it possible this person is just as surprised by how rude he/she just was as I am?" Yes, it's certainly possible. We all stick out feet in our mouths occasionally. Cut people some slack.

True. It's also possible that this guy does this a lot. Which seems to be the case. :001_smile:

 

And lastly, making cutting remarks to others generally reflects poorly on you. I know that when I hear people engaged in a battle of snark, I think a bit poorly of both. I think more highly of the people who don't engage.

 

Tara

This is true too, and I feel the same way. Besides, I usually can't think of the snarky remark 'til way to late to be able to actually say it! :tongue_smilie:

[Melissa in Australia]

That makes sense, but one thing I always ask myself when I encounter someone who says something rude/thoughtless/jaw-dropping is, "Is it my mission to call out every rude person I meet?" It's not, so I generally just keep my mouth shut.

 

Another thing I ask myself is, "Is it possible this person is just as surprised by how rude he/she just was as I am?" Yes, it's certainly possible. We all stick out feet in our mouths occasionally. Cut people some slack.

 

And lastly, making cutting remarks to others generally reflects poorly on you. I know that when I hear people engaged in a battle of snark, I think a bit poorly of both. I think more highly of the people who don't engage.

 

Tara

 

I didn't call him out,

BUT,

I am going to make sure I am wearing lots of floral at every homeschool gathering, and as I am hosting the next get-together ( fishing at the beach in front of my house) I am strongly thinking of wearing daisy chains in my hair, flower earrings and necklace.

 

Believe me this guy doesn't need any slack, what he needs is a slap!

[Scarlett]

How horribly rude.

 

Whenever I'm speechless, but I feel like a good comeback is required, I try to say it as sincerely as possible. In this case, i would probably say something to the effect of, "That's so rude and your comment has embarrassed me."

 

:iagree:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks for all your replies guys.

 

This guy is so domineering and weird that I know people who no longer shop in the suppermarket he works in, just in case they bump into him.

 

I've known people like that. They really believe that their opinion is THE opinion that matters about everything.

[nono]

And lastly, making cutting remarks to others generally reflects poorly on you. I know that when I hear people engaged in a battle of snark, I think a bit poorly of both. I think more highly of the people who don't engage.

 

Tara

 

Really? I find that a repartee is the sign of a healthy self-esteem. Because those folks engaging in it aren't worried about what those on the sidelines are thinking! :tongue_smilie: (Super cutting or biting isn't great, but a funny or pointed brush back?)

 

I especially think when a man comments mockingly on a woman's looks, it's ok for the gloves to come off. It's such a transparent and traditional form of attempted domination, it makes me sick. That's it, I'm going out back and burning a bra! :)

[joannqn]

I didn't call him out,

BUT,

I am going to make sure I am wearing lots of floral at every homeschool gathering, and as I am hosting the next get-together ( fishing at the beach in front of my house) I am strongly thinking of wearing daisy chains in my hair, flower earrings and necklace.

 

Believe me this guy doesn't need any slack, what he needs is a slap!

 

Awesome! I don't own any floral at the moment, but I'd glad go buy something just to join you.

[zaichiki]

What an idiot. I'd have just agreed, and told him floral would probably look much better on him.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

:lol: Wonderful! :lol:

[zaichiki]

I would just say something funny and make a joke out of it. Then I would continue to go about my business as usual.

 

Cindy

 

:iagree:

[OrganicAnn]

Next time run up to him and shake his hand and tell him "This is the first time you haven't said something rude, it is an improvement".

[zaichiki]

"Does your wife know you pay this much attention to another woman's clothing?"

 

This is it! Exactly! Don't forget to say it with a big smile and maybe, if you exude confidence, even a wink!

[Cinder]

I voted backslap and wear more floral next time. Ok, really, the backslap would have been in thought only, but it's the thought that counts, right? :lol: I probably would have just looked at him with that look, you know. The one that says, "Did you really just say that to me?"

 

ETA: Forgot to add--next time you see him and you're all decked out in the florals you love, look him straight in the eye and say, "I wore this just for you!"

Edited February 10, 2012 by Cinder

[HeidiKC]

"Excuse me? I didn't know that you were in charge of the dress code."

 

:lol:

[Parrothead]

I voted other.

 

My other is: "I'll let my husband know you watch what I wear so closely."

 

 

 

Either that or "My husband loves me in florals."

[Hen]

In real life, I would have been confused, stammered some kind of reply and slunk away, and then left and cried in the car.

 

I think what you described was beyond saying an unfortunate, rude thing without realizing how bad it would sound...it sounds like he set you up to do it in front of others- publicly.

 

My dream reply- maybe save it for another encounter...would have been...

 

stunned drawn out silence, then, "you must be the sad divorced dad in our group! Otherwise, I couldn't account for your lack of manners."

[kalanamak]

I said OTHER. I would have busted out laughing. If I thought he was being mean, I would have said something like: Just the kind of comment I'd expect from a man like you.

[Melissa in Australia]

I I would have said something like: Just the kind of comment I'd expect from a man like you.

 

I love this!

[silliness7]

You should have told him he needed work on his socialization skills.

[Haiku]

Really?

 

Yes. If someone were dangerous or threatening, I'd make a lot of noise, but for dumb comments, I don't get myself involved.

 

It's such a transparent and traditional form of attempted domination

 

If so, then the guy probably feeds off making the woman feel uncomfortable. Best, imo, to just ignore it.

 

Tara

Edited February 10, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator
formatting

[Denisemomof4]

Wear your most floral dress next time you see him. Not sure I can recommendt a daisy chain.;):lol: I don't know what one is!

 

Id bet he has NO idea that he said anything wrong. I wouldn't get upset about it at all. I would, however, step up the floral wear.:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

I voted other.

 

My other is: "I'll let my husband know you watch what I wear so closely."

 

 

Either that or "My husband loves me in florals."

 

Oh, I LOVE this. I'd say this and then I'd step up the floral wear.:001_smile:

[Mommyfaithe]

What an idiot. I'd have just agreed, and told him floral would probably look much better on him.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

This.....jerk

 

 

Is his wife close in size to You? In would give her a nice hand me down bag of floral dresses. He should keep his eyes and comments to his own wife. Can you imagine what he says to her? Be glad someone else " snagged". That charmer.

Edited February 10, 2012 by Mommyfaithe

[CupOCoffee]

I'm with CatWoman. I would have asked him if he was gay or stalking me, and if his wife knew about his obsession with another woman's dressing habits.

 

I just asked DH about this and he said you should have asked him why he was so interested in what you wear. Dh claims there are only 2 possible explanations, and Catwoman already outlined them nicely!

 

oh, i must admit this has my brain going a mile a minute....

 

if it

 

was his wife who snickered, how about

 

"aren't you the lucky one, married to a woman who finds it cute that you keep track of what another woman is wearing....."

 

 

ann

 

 

I only made it half way through all the pages of replies, but all the while I was thinking that this is how I would reply, it's along the lines of the above quotes:

 

"Well I will be glad to share WITH MY HUSBAND that you are so interested in what I wear; I am sure he would want to know that another man is watching me...."

 

~coffee~

[cindergretta]

Next time run up to him and shake his hand and tell him "This is the first time you haven't said something rude, it is an improvement".

 

Excellent!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

You should have told him he needed work on his socialization skills.

 

:iagree: Total ass!

[CalicoKat]

I'm with CatWoman. I would have asked him if he was gay or stalking me, and if his wife knew about his obsession with another woman's dressing habits.

 

:iagree:

[AuntieM]

Give him a bright cheery smile as you say, "You may have meant that as a compliment, but it was really a rather rotten thing to say."

 

Then walk away and let him think on it.

[Tammyla]

What a jerk.

[amydavis]

In reality I would have been embarrassed and unable to come up with anything particularly witty. I may have just said, "Wow," and done the whole head-shake thing as I walked off. Then, I would have thought of a million clever responses...afterwards.

 

Just a thought, but his lack of social etiquette/awareness makes me wonder...is there any chance that he could have Asperger's?

[3peasinapod]

What an idiot. I'd have just agreed, and told him floral would probably look much better on him.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

:lol: I love this one!!

[Laurie4b]

Thanks for all your replies guys.

 

This guy is so domineering and weird that I know people who no longer shop in the suppermarket he works in, just in case they bump into him.

 

In that case, I might consider whether he has a neurological difference such as Asperger's and doesn't realize that he is saying things that are appropriate. If you think it might be neurological once you think it through, I would tend to educate him in interactions. So instead of the dismissive "Well that was rude" I would say if I thought someone neuro-typical and narcissitic had made, I would adjust it to, "You know, people generally think it is rude and it hurts their feelings when you comment negatively on their clothing."

[radiobrain]

I would have laughed about it.

 

Really, if you always wear or do anything specific, and then don't.... its absence could be shocking.

 

Especially if someone can't remember your name and refers to you as "the one who wears floral dresses.":D

 

He was trying to be funny, don't take it personally. Who cares... he didn't say "Wow, i'm so glad you didn't wear another floral pattern 'cause you look horrible in them"... he was pointing out how odd it was that you weren't wearing something that he thinks defines you in some way.

 

Maybe a "Whoops! Funny how it works out that way!" would've been in order.

 

If you get upset about it, you have a problem. It wasn't mean, maybe a bit rude... but not REALLY rude, just silly, dumb, oblivious rude. Totally innocent.

 

I didn't read any responses though.... if he is a nutjob, then there is even more of a reason to ignore it and not take it seriously. Some people are absolutely clueless.

[El...]

:grouphug: A man said backhandedly rude to me a few months ago during the church service greeting time, and I said, "Uh, WOW!" and turned away to talk to his wife. I went around and around for about a week, trying to figure out what he meant by it and if he had a point (because I really want everyone to like me, sniff) but I think he is just without social skills and has no filter at all.

 

I'd try to forget it!

[SailorMom]

I would have looked at him with a puzzled look on my face, shook my head, laughed, and as I walked away said, "I guess he didn't learn what he needed to in Kindergarten....."

[NittanyJen]

I have a relative who is prone to saying this type of thing on a regular basis.

 

On one hand, he really cannot help it; it truly is neurologically based; he has a host of related disorders. He does not mean it to be mean, rude, or offensive; to him it is simply an observation, and he is actually attempting a friendly, conversational overture along the lines of, "The sky sure is blue today, isn't it?"

 

On the other hand, we don't "let him off the hook" with socially unacceptable behaviors. Each time, we try to catch him and teach him, bit by bit, how to discern what will be okay or not okay in conversation outside the family (and sometimes inside the family; it's better if it's consistent; there are just different standards of acceptance and tolerance between strangers, casual acquiantances, and family). We don't just grin and say, "Oh, that's just Joe's way, ha ha!" We explain to him exactly why some things aren't accepted the way he meant them, and how to rechannel those thoughts in a more acceptable manner ("Oh, I notice you usually wear florals, and you changed your look today!") He might have a nearly physical need to express the change in his environment, and going that far is okay.

 

One small pitfall is when a stranger tries to correct him. He is ridiculously bright, and has read an enormous load of philosophy (some of which he has understood, some of which he has not, given his lack of understanding of actual human behavior) and he thinks everyone is up for an engaging philosophical debate at any time. If you say that you are uncomfortable about your appearance being commented on, he will want to know why, and do you have body issues, did your father criticize you too much? etc. It may be best to let a family member handle it, if one is around. Chances are good that they heard it, noted it, and have a plan to deal with it later, if they are dealing with the situation.

 

It is sad and scary to have a family member in this condition. He has been hospitalized numerous times, because he has wandered off, (fully adult now) said the wrong thing to the wrong people, and had the daylights beaten out of him for it (broken bones, face rearranged) in a rough neighborhood. There are SO MANY nuances to human behavior for a human who must learn each one, one at a time, because things just do not generalize; things that you and I take for granted as 'rather obvious' are not obvious at all to him.

 

Please consider that no harm may have been meant. He may not be mean. He might not be "a jerk" as an earlier poster replied. (or he might be). Or for all I know, you could have run into my relative.

 

It IS uncomfortable. It is conversation stopping. You do NOT have to accept the behavior, because it IS unacceptable. But a little compassion may be better serving you than a lot of anger, because the behavior may not have been purposeful.

 

Just food for thought.

[Ellie]

I would have stood there with my mouth open and been confused at the situation.

 

And next time I would wear whatever I felt most comfortable in. Floral or stripes or whatever.

This.

 

By staring at him with your mouth open, he would eventually figure out he'd said something wrong, but not because you were rude back.

[scrapbookbuzz]

"Excuse me? I didn't know that you were in charge of the dress code."

 

This! :iagree:

 

He was not only being rude, he made himself look like an @ss.

[Ibbygirl]

Just a thought, but his lack of social etiquette/awareness makes me wonder...is there any chance that he could have Asperger's?

 

In that case, I might consider whether he has a neurological difference such as Asperger's and doesn't realize that he is saying things that are appropriate.

 

Alright! Now ya'll are just being insulting to Aspies! :p hehehe

 

 

So MelissaL, you know this guy. Which is it? Do you think this guy is Rainman or just a chauvinist pig? ;) :D

[Trilliums]

Too bad you don't have more DD's; then you could ALL show up in floral dresses. :)

 

I think you should find a floral tie at a thrift shop and give it to him as a gift at the next meeting, seeing how attuned he is to what others wear. Or a nice loud Hawaiian shirt. Oh, noes, he may be a man who needs a paisley kilt.:D

[Ibbygirl]

Too bad you don't have more DD's; then you could ALL show up in floral dresses. :)

 

I think you should find a floral tie at a thrift shop and give it to him as a gift at the next meeting, seeing how attuned he is to what others wear. Or a nice loud Hawaiian shirt. Oh, noes, he may be a man who needs a paisley kilt.:D

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[celticmom]

Honestly, the fact that he noticed and commented on your clothing choices is a bit creepy to me. Like a weird back-handed compliment or an indication that he notices you. I don't know, I'm probably reading too much into it, but I just think that's bizarre. I'd avoid him.

 

:iagree:I might have asked him if he was stalking me when he said it just to point out how weird it is that he noticed. I might have done it loudly too.

[Ellie]

Too bad you don't have more DD's; then you could ALL show up in floral dresses. :)

 

I think you should find a floral tie at a thrift shop and give it to him as a gift at the next meeting, seeing how attuned he is to what others wear. Or a nice loud Hawaiian shirt. Oh, noes, he may be a man who needs a paisley kilt.:D

:lol::lol::lol:

[TranquilMind]

I went to our local homeschool group yesterday. This group covers a geographical area of 100 km, and we meet once a month in a central spot, usually doing something like bush-walking, orienteering, or as yesterday, swimming.

 

we were late and as we arrived one of the father's came up to me in front of everyone and put out his hand to shake mine, I shook his hand, and as I shook his hand he said "Congratulations for not wearing a floral dress, I think I have never seen you not wear floral, it is an improvement". :scared::glare:.

I mumbled something about liking floral and turned my back on him.

 

What should I have done? and what should I do?

poll to follow.

Wow. Rude. How dare he comment on your dress choices. I would have said something like, "i'm so sorry I have failed to clear my clothing choices with you before today. So glad you approve."

[J-rap]

That is so weird! I'm sure I would have been speechless at the time, and then thought up all of my smart retorts after the fact.

[Melissa in Australia]

Alright! Now ya'll are just being insulting to Aspies! :p hehehe

 

 

So MelissaL, you know this guy. Which is it? Do you think this guy is Rainman or just a chauvinist pig? ;) :D

 

I sort of know this guy, as in his family has been coming to homeschool things on and off for 4 years.

 

He has some wacko religion that he invented himself and thinks that images of creation should not be made. I have known this for a while, but I thought it applied to his own family, which all wear strips ( wife and 2 little girls). He is Maltese so pretty full on and domineering of conversations.

 

Some other things he does is he loves to drill children on their math knowledge, I found this out the very first time I met him, when he tried to drill me! He also stopped his family coming to homeschool functions for about a year as he thought we didn't have 'stimulating intellectual discussions" (his words) in other words, Nobody wanted to talk religion with him. We were much more interested in having discussions about various learning styles and curriculum.

 

The gathering we had this week involved a discussion and planing of activities for the rest of this year, he wanted us to do activities like visit the slaughter yard, so the children could learn where their meet comes from! I really don't think the slaughter year would allow a large group of children onto their work-site anyway, but I thought it a weird proposal. The mother taking down the ideas mumbled something about being vegetarian at the moment and didn't write his idea down.

 

Has he got aspergers? I doubt it.

 

It is pretty hard to avoid him at homeschool functions as there are only about 8 families.

 

I am starting to wonder if I should deliberately insult him so he will never come to any further homeschool get-together

Edited February 10, 2012 by melissaL

[Daisy]

I voted other. Bad manners should always be ignored, imo.

[jamajo]

I voted other. Bad manners should always be ignored, imo.

 

 

why?

[GingerPoppy]

I would have replied that it is laundry day with a laugh.

 

I like to assume the best in people. Has this man ever been rude to you before? Perhaps he is was trying to break the ice, make a joke, be friendly BUT perhaps he is awkward in social situations.

 

Really, what it all boils down to is - if you like floral prints and wear them a lot then who cares what anyone else thinks!

 

I think flowers are pretty. :)

 

I think this is quite possible. Is he normally boorish? It sounds like really awkward mild flirting, or a pathetic attempt at joking or being funny. I'd try to give him the benefit of the doubt unless you know he's typically horrible. But I'd also try to make it obvious that it came off as rude, in the hopes of educating him.

 

Or maybe he's just a total boor.