CC: Honoring your parents

[aggieamy]

This is a strange question but I'm asking here because you gals (and guys) are some of the smartest that I know. How do you honor your parents when they aren't deserving of it? My mother is a horrible person. Literally. Right now she is not involved in any of our lives because she breeds discontent and unhappiness everywhere. She's essentailly an unstable con-artist. I'm not exagerating at all. Possibly mentally ill. Possible just acts strangely to make people unhappy and upset. There's the background.

 

Right now she's been trying to get in touch with my youngest sister. My youngest sister is a very nice, understanding, sweet person. She wants to believe that everyone is good however a few things our mother has done in the last year have caused my sister to stop speaking with her like the rest of us have done years ago. My mother is trying to get back in touch with my sister and I'm advising her to not do it. I'm older and I've seen this woman in action a lot more than my sister has. She's a bad person. So when I told my sister to just ignore her and she'll stop trying to get in touch with her my sister asked "How does that work with honoring your parents then?" How do I answer her?

 

We also weren't raised by our mother. We have a great dad, step-mother, and grandparents all of whom we show our utmost love and respect too.

 

Thanks for reading through my novel and any suggestions on how to answer my sister's question are appreciated.

[2_girls_mommy]

I used to listen to Dr. Laura a lot years ago. She addressed that issue a lot. Basically you honor them by making sure they are housed and fed. Beyond that you don't owe them anything except calling once in awhile to make sure they are alive and "well."

 

In some cases of out right abuse, she would say that basically they had "ripped up their parent card" which meant you no longer owed them the honor.

 

I hope I am not quoting her wrong. It was years ago when I used to listen.

[Aelwydd]

She's a bad person. So when I told my sister to just ignore her and she'll stop trying to get in touch with her my sister asked "How does that work with honoring your parents then?" How do I answer her?

 

We also weren't raised by our mother. We have a great dad, step-mother, and grandparents all of whom we show our utmost love and respect too.

 

 

Two thoughts. First, your mother sounds like she may truly have some mental illness or personality disorder going on. I would think that most any mother, in her right mind, would desire her children to keep themselves safe and healthy, even from their own mother, if she is a danger. You can honor the mother underneath the illness who would want her daughters to be safe, by protecting yourself from the damaging personality occupying her mind and body. Hope that makes sense.

 

Second thought, since you had other parents raising you, they have invested in you. They desire your health and well-being as well. They have sacrificed and put much time and effort in loving and caring for you. I would argue that letting your mother back into your lives dishonors and cheapens their efforts to raise and protect you.

 

As always, paying heed to the spirit of the law, rather than merely the letter, is ideal.

[LisaKinVA]

It sounds as if you were really raised by your dad and step-mom. In the case of adoption, the people who raised you are your parents. If your mom didn't raise you, she was more like a surrogate than a parent.

 

It's up to you all if you want to remain in contact. I think it would be charitable to make sure they have a place to sleep and food to eat, but I don't know that you owe her a relationship.

 

You also have a responsibility to your own families. Bringing someone into your family that causes problems is not wise.

[gardenmom5]

So when I told my sister to just ignore her and she'll stop trying to get in touch with her my sister asked "How does that work with honoring your parents then?" How do I answer her?

 

We also weren't raised by our mother. We have a great dad, step-mother, and grandparents all of whom we show our utmost love and respect too.

 

Thanks for reading through my novel and any suggestions on how to answer my sister's question are appreciated.

is mother living on the street?

 

is she dying?

 

sister can make sure physical needs are provided for WITHOUT putting herself in a position for this woman to take advantage of her. God doesn't require we go up to our enemy and hand them a knife so they can sacrifice us to their ego.

[Impish]

It's a concept I've struggled w/, and continue to.

 

I sometimes wonder if honouring them can be as simple as a lack of wishing/causing them harm. Praying for them.

 

Then again, I don't view the act of procreation to entitle someone to elevated status. It's the act of MOTHERING, imo, that deserves honour. Striving to do the best for your children. Meeting their needs, even when it means sacrificing your own.

 

As many, many adoptive parents can attest, it's not genetics that make someone a parent...it's actions. It's emotions. It's being up all night with a child whose sick. It's not quitting when the whining seems never ending. It's celebrating the good, worrying about the bad, loving and disciplining and laughter and tears. It's providing your children w/everything you possibly can(I'm referring to emotional support, not material goods) to help them become healthy adults. Encouraging them in their quest for independance as age appropriate. Not locking them in the basement until they're 30 when they roll their eyes and give teenage 'tude. And on, and on, and on.

[GWOB]

My parents were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive until I left the house at the age of 17. They continued their verbal abuse and manipulation until I finally had enough. I haven't spoken to my parents in almost 3 months. I can't deal with the lying, name-calling (directed at me, my dh, and my dc), threats, and drama. I can't have a relationship with them and not break the 5th commandment.

 

How do I honor them? I remove myself from them. I do not provide an opportunity for them to sin by hurting me.If I am not around, they can refrain from lying, gossiping, manipulations, and basically all the seven deadly sins. If/when they blow through all their money (again), I may help them out, again. If they decide to call, I will be respectful. That's about all I can give them without doing some serious emotional damage to myself and my family.

[GWOB]

Then again, I don't view the act of procreation to entitle someone to elevated status. It's the act of MOTHERING, imo, that deserves honour. Striving to do the best for your children. Meeting their needs, even when it means sacrificing your own.

 

As many, many adoptive parents can attest, it's not genetics that make someone a parent...it's actions. It's emotions. It's being up all night with a child whose sick. It's not quitting when the whining seems never ending. It's celebrating the good, worrying about the bad, loving and disciplining and laughter and tears. It's providing your children w/everything you possibly can(I'm referring to emotional support, not material goods) to help them become healthy adults. Encouraging them in their quest for independance as age appropriate. Not locking them in the basement until they're 30 when they roll their eyes and give teenage 'tude. And on, and on, and on.

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

How do I honor them? I remove myself from them. I do not provide an opportunity for them to sin by hurting me.If I am not around, they can refrain from lying, gossiping, manipulations, and basically all the seven deadly sins. If/when they blow through all their money (again), I may help them out, again. If they decide to call, I will be respectful. That's about all I can give them without doing some serious emotional damage to myself and my family.

Interesting perspective, Wendi, and not one I'd thought of. Thanks for posting, it def gives me something to consider.

 

I also think that part of the issue is the tug of war btwn the parents you had, and the parent you are. Sometimes, you just cannot balance both roles in a healthy way...What decisions are best for you as the parent can mean distancing or ending the relationship as the daughter.

 

Families...def not for sissies.

[Unscripted]

Your egg-donor and mine sound eerily similar. Evil. Con-artist. Check. Check. I rarely share my childhood experience because it truly begins to sound like I am making it up (at least in my head) to people with more "normal" up bringings.

I brought this up with my priest during confession years ago... Just gave him a 5 minute "highlight reel", and then asked him about "honor". His response (unflinchingly) was simply that sometimes the only option we have left is to extricate ourselves completely. That continuing in the relationship would in fact be dishonorable.

 

That simple advice has given me so much peace through the years, and released me from much guilt handed over to me by her fans.

[Unscripted]

My parents were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive until I left the house at the age of 17. They continued their verbal abuse and manipulation until I finally had enough. I haven't spoken to my parents in almost 3 months. I can't deal with the lying, name-calling (directed at me, my dh, and my dc), threats, and drama. I can't have a relationship with them and not break the 5th commandment.

 

How do I honor them? I remove myself from them. I do not provide an opportunity for them to sin by hurting me.If I am not around, they can refrain from lying, gossiping, manipulations, and basically all the seven deadly sins. If/when they blow through all their money (again), I may help them out, again. If they decide to call, I will be respectful. That's about all I can give them without doing some serious emotional damage to myself and my family.

 

I took too long typing... What she said ^. Lol

[LostSurprise]

I've always thought the greatest honor you can do some people is to treat them respectfully and to model healthy behavior/boundaries when you meet.

 

I think your sister needs to think about how allowing bad behavior not only hurts her and her family, but really hurts your mother. She is this way because people allow her behavior. Sometimes the only way you can teach someone is by showing them good boundaries and removing yourself from them until they can also treat you with respect and care.

 

It's not dishonor to expect respect yourself.

[OnTheBrink]

Your egg-donor and mine sound eerily similar. Evil. Con-artist. Check. Check. I rarely share my childhood experience because it truly begins to sound like I am making it up (at least in my head) to people with more "normal" up bringings.

I brought this up with my priest during confession years ago... Just gave him a 5 minute "highlight reel", and then asked him about "honor". His response (unflinchingly) was simply that sometimes the only option we have left is to extricate ourselves completely. That continuing in the relationship would in fact be dishonorable.

 

That simple advice has given me so much peace through the years, and released me from much guilt handed over to me by her fans.

 

My pastor said the same thing. It's more dishonoring to continue engaging her in her abusive behavior, even if its her choice to behave that way, than to cut ties and keep peace.

[Impish]

I'm not the OP, but wanted to thank everyone for their responses.

 

This has truly be something I've struggled w/, and the responses have helped me to think of things in a different way.

 

Very much appreciated :grouphug: