I need to be talked off the ledge

[bnrmom]

So I've posted before about my sister. In a nutshell, my mom encountered financial difficulties last summer, could no longer pay her rent, and had to move in with me last fall. My sister (who lives locally and has no kids or job - goes to art school) completely bailed, and didn't do one single thing to help my mom pack and move or to help me renovate my house to accomodate my mom. Never heard one word from her. My mom had hip surgery 4 weeks ago. My sister was around a bit the first week, and then completely bailed. My mom had complications and ended up back in the ER and ICU last week. I have spent every single day the last four weeks taking care of her, from dinners to emptying barf bowls to changing sheets. You name it, I've done it. We haven't heard from my sister in 3 weeks. She hasn't even called to see how my mom is doing.

 

Tonight my SIL was over briefly dropping my son off, and asked a question about my mom's dog. I said "I don't know, I haven't heard from my sister in 3 weeks." (My sister had watched my mom's dog briefly while my mom was in the hospital.) My mom was sitting there, and started telling me it was inappropriate for me to say that. I kind of looked at her, and was like, uh, what? It's the truth! I told my mom that there was nothing wrong with me saying that. My mom continued to argue with me, obviously defensive about my sister's outrageously selfish behavior and trying to make me look like the bad guy for mentioning it. My mom kept at me, and then, in front of my sister in law says, "Well, I think it's low class. It's just low class of you to say that."

 

It was all I could do to not scream at her. My SIL, obviously uncomfortable, left soon afterwards, and I had a short but heated discussion with my mom telling her that she has no right to tell me who I can and cannot talk to about my sister. And good golly, all I said was "I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks." It wasn't like I was calling her names.

 

To jump to my sister's defense and be insulting and disrespectful to me in front of my SIL after everything I've been doing these past 6 months - I just don't even know how to calm down. I haven't spoken to her all evening because I don't want to scream at her, but I am so angry I can barely breathe.

 

I know she's going through a hard time, physically and emotionally. I have tried to have compassion and sympathy this past month. But this feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't want her living here anymore. I love my mom, but I can't take the family dysfunction.

[melissel]

:grouphug: It sounds like your mom's feeling really defensive about everything that happened (I remember your last post about it)--both on your sister's behalf and her own. I can't imagine how it must feel to know you raised a child who could treat you and your other children that way; I might want to hide that fact myself! (Not saying it's your mom's fault--just that it's our mom tendency to take on our kids' inadequacies, KWIM?)

 

Regardless, I think you were right to speak up to your mom, and I wouldn't be surprised if your mom apologizes to you. I'm sorry it's all been so difficult :grouphug: You're a good daughter, and you've done the right thing by your mom, in spite of all the dysfunction.

[Danestress]

Perhaps it's this way, though of course I don't know the details, so maybe it's not this way, but here is my stab at it for what is is worth:

 

It is very very painful and difficult for people who have been estranged from or mistreated by adult children to have to admit that. There is nothing more painful than an adult child who does not appear to love you. This is probably the most painful thing in your mother's life - far more painful than surgery or poverty. She is especially vulnerable right now and in a time of physical pain and transition. I think it's probably the emotional equivalent to having your husband ditch you when you are fresh home from the hospital with a babe in arms. If a neighbor called and you heard your Mom say, "I don't know, we haven't seen him in three days" you might be angry, even though she's just reporting the facts.

 

For you, it's something you are angry about. You are angry at your sister because she has not helped with things you feel she should help with.

 

For your mother, it's massive personal rejection. She may not be ready to talk about it or to have it announced to your SIL. She lives with you, but she is not a child, and she wants to control the discussion about your sister because it goes very deeply to the heart of her identity as a mother. You feel self righteous and justified in your anger. She feels hurt, rejected, afraid. And perhaps she doesn't want the world to know she's being rejected.

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[PollyOR]

:grouphug:

[melissel]

Perhaps it's this way, though of course I don't know the details, so maybe it's not this way, but here is my stab at it for what is is worth:

 

It is very very painful and difficult for people who have been estranged from or mistreated by adult children to have to admit that. There is nothing more painful than an adult child who does not appear to love you. This is probably the most painful thing in your mother's life - far more painful than surgery or poverty. She is especially vulnerable right now and in a time of physical pain and transition. I think it's probably the emotional equivalent to having your husband ditch you when you are fresh home from the hospital with a babe in arms. If a neighbor called and you heard your Mom say, "I don't know, we haven't seen him in three days" you might be angry, even though she's just reporting the facts.

 

For you, it's something you are angry about. You are angry at your sister because she has not helped with things you feel she should help with.

 

For your mother, it's massive personal rejection. She may not be ready to talk about it or to have it announced to your SIL. She lives with you, but she is not a child, and she wants to control the discussion about your sister because it goes very deeply to the heart of her identity as a mother. You feel self righteous and justified in your anger. She feels hurt, rejected, afraid. And perhaps she doesn't want the world to know she's being rejected.

 

:iagree: Danestress said what I was thinking in a much clearer way. This is exactly what it sounded like to me too, and when I think of some incidents that have happened in my own dysfunctional extended family, I get the same vibe from your story as from those.

[Ravin]

I've dealt with some of this sort of thing; one of my sisters beat a hasty retreat to a distant state shortly after my mom's cancer diagnosis. In retrospect of years later, I know it's not because she doesn't love mom, or even selfish not wanting to help. She just doesn't deal well with sick and hospitals and the stress. Given her PTSD and that under stress she's been known to lash out in ways that are not at all good, taking herself out of the situation was probably doing all of us a favor and, in the long term, preserving our relationships.

 

When you're in the midst of crisis and feel abandoned, though, it sucks.:grouphug:. And good for you to stand up to your mom, too. Caring does not equal being a doormat.

[bnrmom]

Thank you for your compassionate replies. I completely agree with your take on why my mother feels that way. But I have to admit - I think I have reached my breaking point of taking care of anyone, physically or emotionally. Right now, I want my mom to take responsibility for her own feelings, and not make it just one more thing I have to "take care of" for her. I am truly sorry that my sister treats her this way, but there's nothing I can do about it, and I suffer for it just as much as she does. Not only does it infuriate me that I have to be the one to do EVERYTHING in this family, but I am heartbroken over the loss of the relationship with my only sibling.

 

I have a fairly close relationship with my SIL - it's not like a random stranger stopped by. Again, I get why my mom might have been upset, but I guess I just don't really care anymore, at least not enough to tolerate her taking it out on me. I know that must sound awful, but it's the truth.

 

There is just such a trend in this family that any little misstep I make is a federal production; God forbid I inadvertently say something insensitive or hurt someone's feelings - I will hear about it until the end of time. But when it comes to my feelings, I'm supposed to be made of steel.

[melissel]

There is just such a trend in this family that any little misstep I make is a federal production; God forbid I inadvertently say something insensitive or hurt someone's feelings - I will hear about it until the end of time. But when it comes to my feelings, I'm supposed to be made of steel.

 

I think I would, in a calmer, quieter moment, express that to my mom. Even if she doesn't internalize it, I'd feel better for having said it :grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Think of it as a generational thing -- the mother is not wanting everyone to know her business and perhaps she is dealing with denial over the fact that her daughter is estranged. For a mother, that is the worst blow.

 

And, yes, I would be careful in front of mother what I say about the sister (even to family) as it is taken out of context and interpreted as the mother being unfit or a horrible person for her own daughter to be doing this. :grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

Thank you for your compassionate replies. I completely agree with your take on why my mother feels that way. But I have to admit - I think I have reached my breaking point of taking care of anyone, physically or emotionally. Right now, I want my mom to take responsibility for her own feelings, and not make it just one more thing I have to "take care of" for her. I am truly sorry that my sister treats her this way, but there's nothing I can do about it, and I suffer for it just as much as she does. Not only does it infuriate me that I have to be the one to do EVERYTHING in this family, but I am heartbroken over the loss of the relationship with my only sibling.

 

I have a fairly close relationship with my SIL - it's not like a random stranger stopped by. Again, I get why my mom might have been upset, but I guess I just don't really care anymore, at least not enough to tolerate her taking it out on me. I know that must sound awful, but it's the truth.

 

There is just such a trend in this family that any little misstep I make is a federal production; God forbid I inadvertently say something insensitive or hurt someone's feelings - I will hear about it until the end of time. But when it comes to my feelings, I'm supposed to be made of steel.

 

Your feelings are completely understandable, and it really isn't fair that you have to take care of her feelings on top of everything else.

 

It sounds like your mom is projecting her hurt and anger over your sister's deplorable behavior onto you--because you are there. I pray you get a chance to breathe and recharge. :grouphug:

[cindergretta]

:( You need some help and a break. :grouphug: I feel sorry for your mom and her circumstances, her pain surrounding your sister, etc. But sweetie, you are only human. I would have cracked, too. To be called out like a recalcitrant child in front of another adult is not cool. Even if you were wrong in saying anything (and IMO, you were NOT) than your mother could have said something to you privately later. She trounced your "rude" with way more (and again, IMO) real actual rude. :glare:

 

Anyway, that isn't the point. The point is you have had a trying night on top of a few trying weeks after several trying months. :grouphug: Sometimes you just can't endlessly take on everyone's physical care and emotional needs. Sometimes you need someone to take care of your physical and emotional needs.

[scrappyhappymama]

I typed out a long response and then thought better of divulging so many personal details about other people.

 

But I will say that a friend was in a very similar circumstance as yours for many years. Her mother died still lamenting and making excuses for her wayward children, while not appreciating enough the one who was always there and cared for her to the last. It was heartbreaking to see, and neither the selfish siblings nor the mother righted the situation before it was too late. My friend's primary comfort has been in knowing that SHE did the right thing by her mother, whether it was appreciated or not and whether she should have had to bear the burden alone. And now, with her mother passed away, she no longer feels any obligation to try to maintain any sort of relationship with the siblings who let her down.

 

I wish I had a more encouraging story to share. I guess my point is that the only joy you may be able to glean from this situation is knowing that you are doing the right thing and by setting a loving example for your own children. If your contentment hinges on your sister stepping up or your mother acknowledging reality, I fear you'll never find peace with your situation. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

FWIW, I wouldn't be able to calm down, either. I would be so terribly angry and hurt.

 

I'm so sorry.

[Mommyfaithe]

Hurt people, hurt people. I am sorry:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Caring for the elderly is exhausting and as thankless as raising kids....

 

That your sister is not taking more responsibility is hurting you....but hurting your mom more....try to put yourself in her shoes.

 

You are an awesome daughter and a friend to your mom. your sister is the one truly missing out on becoming a family unit. I am sorry.

 

Your sister must be your mom's sore spot. I wouldn't bring it up in front of her. I would definitely invite my sister to be more if a help. STRONGLY INVITE:glare:

 

Sorry you are dealing with all this, just know you are not alone. Many of us end up being the sole caretaker of our mother's regardless of how many siblings you have......sigh.

:grouphug::grouphug:

Faithe

[Trish]

Perhaps it's this way, though of course I don't know the details, so maybe it's not this way, but here is my stab at it for what is is worth:

 

It is very very painful and difficult for people who have been estranged from or mistreated by adult children to have to admit that. There is nothing more painful than an adult child who does not appear to love you. This is probably the most painful thing in your mother's life - far more painful than surgery or poverty. She is especially vulnerable right now and in a time of physical pain and transition. I think it's probably the emotional equivalent to having your husband ditch you when you are fresh home from the hospital with a babe in arms. If a neighbor called and you heard your Mom say, "I don't know, we haven't seen him in three days" you might be angry, even though she's just reporting the facts.

 

For you, it's something you are angry about. You are angry at your sister because she has not helped with things you feel she should help with.

 

For your mother, it's massive personal rejection. She may not be ready to talk about it or to have it announced to your SIL. She lives with you, but she is not a child, and she wants to control the discussion about your sister because it goes very deeply to the heart of her identity as a mother. You feel self righteous and justified in your anger. She feels hurt, rejected, afraid. And perhaps she doesn't want the world to know she's being rejected.

 

:iagree:

 

It doesn't lessen the hurt for you, of course, but taking shots at your sister (even though just telling the truth) doesn't do anything for you, your mom or the person hearing it. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must feel like you're being totally dumped on. :grouphug:

 

You need to pretend you're an only child.

[MariannNOVA]

You've received good insight here so I will go in a different direction.

 

Your mom has health insurance, i take it? Is there coverage for a home health aide to come in a couple of times a week to do things for her and give you a break?

 

When my mom was recovering from a broken ankle, her insurance provided a home health aide to come in five days a week and do her laundry, get her meals prepared, and keep her company. My mom lives with my sister.

 

It might be worth looking into.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Thank you for your compassionate replies. I completely agree with your take on why my mother feels that way. But I have to admit - I think I have reached my breaking point of taking care of anyone, physically or emotionally. Right now, I want my mom to take responsibility for her own feelings, and not make it just one more thing I have to "take care of" for her. I am truly sorry that my sister treats her this way, but there's nothing I can do about it, and I suffer for it just as much as she does. Not only does it infuriate me that I have to be the one to do EVERYTHING in this family, but I am heartbroken over the loss of the relationship with my only sibling.

 

I have a fairly close relationship with my SIL - it's not like a random stranger stopped by. Again, I get why my mom might have been upset, but I guess I just don't really care anymore, at least not enough to tolerate her taking it out on me. I know that must sound awful, but it's the truth.

 

There is just such a trend in this family that any little misstep I make is a federal production; God forbid I inadvertently say something insensitive or hurt someone's feelings - I will hear about it until the end of time. But when it comes to my feelings, I'm supposed to be made of steel.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think you really need a break because care givers can end up with health problems because they have no time to care for themselves. Could you speak to the doctor about getting your mom into 30 days of rehab? My mom had to do that once with my grandma. She was just exhausted and grandma really wasn't trying to do things for herself that she should have been able to manage anyway. The doctor instantly recognized that there needed to be a change in dynamic, ordered the inpatient rehab, and though my grandma was angry at first, it turned out so well. The PT and OT there was very well done and she came home able to do more than my parents thought she would ever be able to do. That 30 days also gave mom a chance to rest and for dad to talk "turkey" to his sisters about respite care. He had power of attorney and such so he told his sisters that they could come help (this would have been my mom's mil) x hrs. per week, or this help would be hired and paid for out of grandma's retirement IRA and Social Security, but that.was.that. They opted to come help once per week for a couple of hrs. and then have the rest hired out. It made my mom's life so much better.

 

Please see if the doctor will help in this regard.

 

Faith

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[kalanamak]

I think I would, in a calmer, quieter moment, express that to my mom. Even if she doesn't internalize it, I'd feel better for having said it :grouphug:

 

:iagree:, personally, would do it in writing, couched in the most loving terms possible. That way mom gets to think around it, and reread it after the initial sting.

 

Years and years ago I was married to a man who was blasting off into alcoholism. It is not my personality to be "co-dependent", but I sure learned a lesson on why people might do so. I was simply honest. If someone asked "What happened to X on Friday?" (X had gone to a simple party and gotten blotto when no one else had), I would reply in a calm, frank tone, "X is an alcoholic, but hasn't admitted it yet.". With one exception, I got one of two responses: A rather nasty "How can you say that about your husband" (usually by his pals) or "People who stay with drunks are co-dependent. You are as sick as he is."

 

It became boringly predictable, but I continued to be calmly honest. I had a time frame for "sticking it out". I never covered for him at work or personally, I just felt someone so young with so much to lose deserved a chance at sobering up. (He did, after only 3 years of drinking, and has been sober for almost 20 years.)

 

This long, rambly story had a point: That many people are upset by honesty, and have a frail dream-world where everything is peachy. Stick to your calm, cool honesty. Don't use it to be hurtful, but to show courage and trust in whom you speak to, and faith that the human race is better off with only NOT being honest in specific circumstances: the general policy should be honesty. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

 

There is just such a trend in this family that any little misstep I make is a federal production; God forbid I inadvertently say something insensitive or hurt someone's feelings - I will hear about it until the end of time. But when it comes to my feelings, I'm supposed to be made of steel.

 

:grouphug:

 

Believe me, I understand.

 

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:iagree:, personally, would do it in writing, couched in the most loving terms possible. That way mom gets to think around it, and reread it after the initial sting.

 

. . .

 

This long, rambly story had a point: That many people are upset by honesty, and have a frail dream-world where everything is peachy. Stick to your calm, cool honesty. Don't use it to be hurtful, but to show courage and trust in whom you speak to, and faith that the human race is better off with only NOT being honest in specific circumstances: the general policy should be honesty. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Well said.

[Impish]

I wish you all the best.

 

It's a horrid position to be in.

 

:grouphug:

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I agree with what so many of the other posters have said. Your mom is surely hurt by your sister's actions. That doesn't make it okay for her to take it out on you. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[bnrmom]

Thanks everyone. I've got to get to a conference call, but I wanted to post and say thank you. I think it's clear my mom needs to find a different living situation. I know she wants to stay here forever and have me take of her, and in a fantasy world I'd like that too, but realistically it's not going to work.

[AuntieM]

... for dad to talk "turkey" to his sisters about respite care. He had power of attorney and such so he told his sisters that they could come help (this would have been my mom's mil) x hrs. per week, or this help would be hired and paid for out of grandma's retirement IRA and Social Security, but that.was.that. They opted to come help once per week for a couple of hrs. and then have the rest hired out. It made my mom's life so much better.

 

Please see if the doctor will help in this regard.

 

Faith

 

That was brilliant.

 

OP, what a complex situation. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[bnrmom]

Okay, have a few more minutes. She had a home health aide come one day, but that's when it became apparent she needed to go to the ER, because even the aide couldn't get it handled, and left me on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet mess out of the carpet. She has physical therapy come 2x/week for an hour each time to do exercises, but that's only for another week. So there is no insurance option for having her taken care of. At this point, we are past the medical care, and just back to the daily living tasks - laundry, dishes, food, driving her around, etc.

 

And there is no estate to pull anything out of. I will inherit nothing when she passes on. She has no retirement, no investments, owns no property.

 

I'm still angry. She's trying to act like I'm just having a temper tantrum, saying stuff like "It's okay to be angry." Gee, thanks for your permission.

[Impish]

Okay, have a few more minutes. She had a home health aide come one day, but that's when it became apparent she needed to go to the ER, because even the aide couldn't get it handled, and left me on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet mess out of the carpet. She has physical therapy come 2x/week for an hour each time to do exercises, but that's only for another week. So there is no insurance option for having her taken care of. At this point, we are past the medical care, and just back to the daily living tasks - laundry, dishes, food, driving her around, etc.

 

And there is no estate to pull anything out of. I will inherit nothing when she passes on. She has no retirement, no investments, owns no property.

 

I'm still angry. She's trying to act like I'm just having a temper tantrum, saying stuff like "It's okay to be angry." Gee, thanks for your permission.

I'm guessing you're in the States, from the comments about insurance.

 

I don't know how things work in the States, but I've witnessed how they work here in Canada, and I suspect that in terms of elder care, there's not that huge a difference.

 

I know that here, unless and until the caregiver appears to be having a complete breakdown, thereby putting the elder at risk for abuse, they do very little to find an alternate placement, b/c the lists are years long, beds are full, and as long as there's someone willing to care for the elder, what's the problem?

 

I would make some phone calls...I know that here, there are agencies for elders, just as there is CPS for children. If nothing else, it could get the ball rolling, finding out what there might be out there, how to access it, etc.

 

I don't know how dire the situation is for you right now...I totally understand that you may just be venting, blowing off steam...or you may truly be approaching the end of your rope.

 

I'd make some research, access any and all community resources that may be available.

 

And, as horrid as it sounds, I know that family members have had to refuse to bring an elder home from the hospital b/c they simply couldn't manage any longer, and then they *had* to find a bed.

 

What would happen if you insisted she move out? And get the Dr to arrange for home health support? Sorry, I can't see the OP, so I don't know if that's in the realm of reality or not, since she's recovered from the medical issues.