S/O: College- if you pay for it

[DawnM]

do you feel you have a say in where the child goes and what they study?

 

Some mentioned the parents made mistakes in choosing the college of the parents' choice.

 

Is this really wrong IF the child is going on the parents' dime?

 

These are ours:

 

My kids are free to choose whatever they want if they are paying for it. If I am paying for it, I feel I have a right to have some minor stipulations on that money.

 

Now, at this time, I don't forsee any real issues as I can't think of a reason I won't allow them to choose where to go as long as they have a valid reason behind it, but I am just curious what you all think.

 

BTW: Our stipulations at present (subject to change as you see I have no college age kids yet.)

 

1. We will pay for local college tuition and fees and room and board at our house. Any other choice is fine, but you will pay the difference in cost.

 

2. We will not pay for you to go to college indefinitely. 5 years max before the funds run out (4 is preferable but I know that is harder and harder to achieve given the way schools run.)

 

4. Keep your grades up as best you can (I have one LD child so I try not to make statements like a GPA min.)

 

5. You do not have to work on top of going to school (again, based on LD child) BUT, you may not have the spending money you would like to have if you don't.

 

6. We do not care what they major in.

 

We may have more, but that is where DH and I have gotten to in our discussions so far.

Edited February 6, 2012 by DawnM

[AuntieM]

My kids have the freedom to choose where they would like to go.

 

I have the freedom to tell them what I can and cannot afford.

 

Only one college decision so far; we happily met in the middle.

 

For the rest, I will be frank about what I can contribute. And, to be honest, my financial support is conditional on the student's field of study and grade maintenance. I would not ever say, "You can't go there," or "You can't study that," but I will let them know what portion I can help finance and what portion they have to get busy and pay for themselves.

 

ETA - regarding the working during school - to me that depends on the course of study. If a kid is in premed and getting good grades, I would say don't work, put all energy towards building a great med school application, including time spent volunteering in a clinical setting and physician shadowing (so, not working at the coffee shop; tutoring, maybe). Business major? Get to work at a great small business, put some real life learning to your education. So, I see that even as conditional.

Edited February 6, 2012 by AuntieM

[LucyStoner]

My kids have the freedom to choose where they would like to go.

 

I have the freedom to tell them what I can and cannot afford.

 

 

:iagree:

[RoughCollie]

I've advised my kids to go to community college for 2 years, which we can pay for. After that, they will likely need student loans, and I've cautioned them about what a trap that can be and to minimize their need for that as much as is feasible.

 

I'm not too concerned about what they major in at the CC, because the first two years consist of basic courses. I heartily suggest that if they want to major in something that will not help them get a job (like English or history), that they have a double major so they can get a good job when they graduate. I suggested the double major because it can be sheer drudgery to major in something job-worthy when your real passions lie in a field of study in which you cannot find a well-paying job.

 

I also heartily suggested that they not think of law school as a fallback position, which many of their friends do. There are already too many lawyers. Yes, the cream rises to the top, but too many people think they will be "the cream", when they are not and will never be, often for reasons beyond their control.

 

I am not paying for my kids to fail. I expect them to make straight A's in community college. The work is not difficult and they have the intelligence to accomplish that. I won't quibble over a few B's, but if their grades fall below that, I will get angry and there will be a financial consequence.

 

Two of my kids will have to get part-time jobs during the school year, and work full-time in the summer. I took a course overload every semester, made A's, and worked 55 hours a week during my last two years of college. If I can do that, they can handle working part-time to pay for spending money, clothes, and gas. I will pay for tuition, books, and room and board Only. Mind you, if we could afford it, the kids would start out at universities, live in a dorm, we would pay for everything, and they would not have to work.

 

Two of my kids have disorders that may make it difficult for them to go to college and work at the same time ... we'll see how that shakes out when the time comes.

 

That's where I stand now, with one kid going to college in the fall, and three not far behind him.

Edited February 6, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Jane in NC]

Obviously so much depends upon a family's resources but also perhaps on how driven the college applicant is.

 

My son was raised with the understanding that he would attend college. Granted, he has always been capable and academically inclined so this was not an unrealistic expectation. But even before we knew that the child would be college bound, we saved for college. Further, I took all of those $5 and $20 birthday and holiday gifts and invested them for my son's college education. (I'm the stick-in-the-mud on those "What should I buy for my child with $50 from grandma?" threads. A savings bond!)

 

I encouraged my son to apply to out of state colleges. Part of the educational experience, in my opinion, is being somewhere different. My son attends a Midwestern LAC populated by students from around the country and the world. If my son were to commute to the nearby regional university, he would mostly be with students from this part of the state.

 

When my son applied to colleges, I asked that he choose one state school as the financial fall back in case we could not afford the others. As it turned out, he was given generous merit aid by all but one of the other colleges on his list. Had he chosen the one without significant aid, he would have accrued debt. Fortunately my son is sufficiently grounded to have recognized how finances fit into decisions regarding college.

 

My son is responsible for books, spending money and has also contributed to other costs from his college nest egg and summer earnings.

 

When I was a grad school and instructor at various universities, I encountered kids who were at the wrong schools. Some families exert pressure on their kids to attend particular schools because of a sports program (?!?!?) or because the parent really believes that Johnny should be an engineer. Having taught mathematics at an engineering school, I met so many kids who had no interest or even aptitude for engineering. But they made cute Lego things or liked cars so Mom and Dad said "You are going to Rah-Rah U for an engineering degree." Some parents will not fund what they call "hobby" degrees. We are in a more luxurious position than some in that we see college as a place to get an education--not as a technical training school. As it turns out, my son has declared a major that some see as a hobby degree (Archaeology) but he is actually receiving more hands on tech training in that field than he might had he chosen another academic area.

 

It is true that so many kids have no clue at 17 or sometimes 20. This is perhaps a case in which parents need to help guide their young adults to a community college or regional university where they can get their feet wet. Or help their kids find a technical training program so that the young adult can support himself. Maybe a gap year although my experience with kids who have no clue about what they want to do with their lives is that they usually do not know what they want to do with a gap either.

 

But there is no one right way to do college.

[snickelfritz]

1. Say in where they go-- We will come up with what we can afford and have some real discussions about what that means. They may want a small private university and need to room at home and go to the local one to do it. Or go out of state to a public university. Dh is biased against rooming at home and against going to the local community college, which was his path. We will see how the economics play out.

 

2. Say in what they study-- I want them to be able to tell me what they will DO with their major. If they really want to study history--how will you earn a living? If you insist on music, history, english--are you willing to consider teaching those. What minor can you also get to make yourself marketable? What double major? How flexible are the jobs? Do you want a field that might allow working from home or hourly flexibility for child-care purposes?

 

3. How long--We only have 2 kids. If they are making progress towards an end goal (medical school or masters degree in something) we will provide whatever support we can provide for as long as we can provide it. We consider helping with their education to be our primary inheritance to them.

[AuntieM]

1. Say in where they go-- We will come up with what we can afford and have some real discussions about what that means. They may want a small private university and need to room at home and go to the local one to do it. Or go out of state to a public university. Dh is biased against rooming at home and against going to the local community college, which was his path. We will see how the economics play out.

 

2. Say in what they study-- I want them to be able to tell me what they will DO with their major. If they really want to study history--how will you earn a living? If you insist on music, history, english--are you willing to consider teaching those. What minor can you also get to make yourself marketable? What double major? How flexible are the jobs? Do you want a field that might allow working from home or hourly flexibility for child-care purposes?

 

3. How long--We only have 2 kids. If they are making progress towards an end goal (medical school or masters degree in something) we will provide whatever support we can provide for as long as we can provide it. We consider helping with their education to be our primary inheritance to them.

 

I love this perspective!

[Bluegoat]

I think there is give and take, but it really is up to the kids to decide what kind of life they want, what their goals are. It is one thing if a parent thinks the goals are somehow immoral, but in general I think they need to be wary of trying to control their child`s choices in these things through money or even affection.

 

I had a friend in high school who wanted desperately to do a music degree - he was a musically talented guy and very practical and I am sure would have made it work. His parents told him they would not help out unless he did engineering, and if he went out on his own it was clear they would be very unhappy. He was a kid who tended to toe the line and really wanted to honour his parents, and so he did what they wanted, and I always thought that was incredibly sad.

 

To me it indicated something really wrong in the way his parents thought about their children.

[creekland]

My kids are all going to 4 year colleges or universities and have been raised knowing that will be their next step. They are all academically capable of it and see it as a positive thing.

 

We insist that they go away from home. They only do cc classes to replace some high school courses. I don't see it as an equivalent option to a 4 year school (my bias - others can - and do - differ with their beliefs).

 

To pick colleges, we look at things together. One of those major things is what we can afford. They pick their major based upon their niche in life. Their major matches them (and they can still change in college if they wish). They work to get the high scores they are capable of so they have options for merit aid. I see that as paying off better than any high school paid job.

 

We do not allow schools far lower than their capability or schools who are known for being far left on the political scale. Even after sifting by those two things they have oodles of options.

 

In the end, they apply where they like, but all schools also have already met our qualifications. They're deciding on the issues like large/small, private/public, city/rural, etc. Together we've looked at finances, quality of major at each school and those types of issues.

 

Where they go tends to depend on where they get the best offer coupled with how they ranked their colleges. Oldest got his first choice. Middle is in the process now. Youngest is already looking at options.

 

Not helping my kids with all of the above would be an academic mistake IMO. At 18, they just don't know enough to go through the whole process by themselves.

[Jenny in Florida]

do you feel you have a say in where the child goes and what they study?

 

Not really. We respect that our children are making decisions for their own lives, with which they will have to cope. I can't imagine why we would feel it was acceptable to unduly influence those decisions.

 

Thus far, we have said only that we expect each kid will finish some kind of degree within five years of starting full time. They are free to chose their own majors and educational paths, and we will help to the best of our ability.

 

Since we already paid for our daughter to go to a private, out-of-state college (because it was the only real option open to her at the time), we feel we must be fair to our son and allow him a fair amount of freedom and choice, too. Obviously, if we simply couldn't pay for the school he was desperate to attend, we would have to be honest about that. But, if it's just a matter of our preference, there's no way we'd impose that.

[Mommyof4ks]

My kids can go wherever they like. I will let me know where they can go completely free, as in we can afford to pay of the whole amount, and they can choose if they want to do that or pony up the remainder to go somewhere else. I will not tell them what to major in, however I will encourage them to at least minor in something that they can make money doing, so they have a fall back option. If they want to major in English, then they can consider getting a teaching degree, or work on a business degree if they want to major in music, that sort of thing. So far my kids can be reasoned with, but my oldest is only 12, so that could change by 18 lol.

[ChristineW]

I think that you are being completely reasonable. We aren't going to try to control majors, but there is a limit to the amount we can pay and for how long. Right now we are planning to pay for the equivalent of what it would cost to attend a UC for 5 years. The closest UC is one of the most competitive schools in the nation so we plan to pay for room and board. Sometimes private schools can be cheaper depending on merit and financial aid.

[Carrie12345]

I can afford what I can afford. My thoughts on which schools are best aren't going to change my wallet, so there's that.

 

As far as "having a say", I don't care how much or how little money is involved; I'm going to voice my opinion. Probably rather loudly. My kids are already well aware that I have their best interests at heart and that my opinions and reasons behind them are usually worth considering.

 

I doubt I would forbid my adult child from attending a college I didn't approve of, but I think I'd be pretty shocked if they were to ignore well thought out reasons against it.

[KidsHappen]

In my mind the two are in no way related at all. If I can help finacially, I will do what I can do and where they go has no effect on how much I can help. They are adults and I don't feel that I any longer have the right to tell them what they can and cannot do. To use the fact that I am helping finacially as an excuse to micromanage their college experience smacks of manipulation to me.

 

Imagine for a moment that you are pregnant. You don't have insurance which doesn't present a huge problem to you because you would like to have a homebirth with a midwife as you believe that homebirth is the very best thing for both you and your baby. You only need the money to pay the midwife. Your parents have the money and are willing to help you but only if you confrom to their wishes, say use a CNW in a hospital. Is this an acceptable request for them to make since it is their money? If not how is it any different? Would you resent them for making this decision?

 

I can think of a ton of other examples where parents can and do help their adult children but in none of those examples can I see where it gives the parents the right to make life decisions for the children. Children going to college are adults and they are making life decisions. IMO, you have no right to unilaterally make those decisions for them and using money to give you the power to do so is manipulative and patronizing.

 

Sure you should speak you mind and share your experiences and advice but if you are prepared to help them it should not be conditional on them doing what you want them to do. This is not like them asking to borrow a $1000 to buy crack or gamble away. This is like them asking to borrow a $1000 to buy this house instead of that house. If you can help them and you are willing to do so, that doesn't mean that you get to pick the house. Don't forget that some day these same children may be deciding which nursing home you live in.

 

I know that my opinion is probably not a popular one with a lot of adults on this board but I also have several adult children now and I can only speak to what has worked for me in maintaining love and respect with them in my life.

[Lolly]

There is a certain amount of $ set aside for each dc. They may use that as they see fit. They choose the school. They get what is left at the end to do with as they like. If they decide not to got to college, they have that $ to start out with as they wish. I do admit that I am not going to hand the lump sum over the day they graduate high school. At this point, I think we probably could; but I am not that comfortable with the idea! We would pay out as a yearly allowance, or give the whole thing directly if they had a business plan they were wanting to pursue.