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IF your child (or you when you were younger) ever stayed in a host family as a living arrangement for an extended period of time (say, a student exchange or something like that?), OR if you were on the other side, hosting an exchange student, talk to me about this.

 

What are reasonable boundaries?

 

Where does "actual" parental authority end and the host family authority, which is also during the period legally responsible for a minor, begins? In which issues and dilemmas do you go by the "actual" family's preferences and in which do you go by the host family's preferences? This can be about just about anything, from dietary preferences to curfews to general parenting issues? IOW, what amount of "parenting" is okay - do you trust your child to the host family pretty much only for room and board, while remaining the sole one who decides on all the important issues and what they can or what they cannot do, or do you submit your child to the parental authority of the host family as well, especially if they have other children and it creates an uncomfortable situation is the host child is exempted from the way they normally do things?

 

I am sorry this is so vague, but I would just appreciate general ideas if you have, or concrete experiences if somebody is willing to share.

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That was one of the biggest reservations I had about doing this. I am overly protective of my kids, and she is used to taking a bus all of the city by herself at anytime she pleases. We had some hard discussions about boundaries, I had her watch the movie: Taken b/c she didn't believe that it wasn't safe for a young pretty girl to wander the streets downtown here. We did have to send an email to her parents (thanks to Google translate) asking what they were comfortable with as far as her going places. Once we had that input, we told her what we are willing to do. My teens understand that she gets to do some things they don't...b/c she is not my child. She is also an Atheist, so that makes it a little uncomfortable at times. The only family activity we require of her is church (we go on Saturday mornings). Many Saturdays, like today, she has UIL competitions or Yearbook meetings. She is also very active in two Musicals right now. We don't see her much, but that is what she is used to. Her parents are workaholics, six days a week and she only sees them about two hours a day total.

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I do think it is a good idea to think about all this before you host or send your kid off.

 

I had a roommate in college and she told me that their family was a host family to a girl (I can't remember which country). I remember her telling me that her father was very strict with the girl and wanted her to study very long hours for all her classes. The girl would go to her room all evening, do homework, and cry. I told her that I was really surprised. I didn't think it was about learning school work so much as having a 'cultural experience'. That they should have been taking her to museums sporting events, movies, whatever and enjoying family life. After I said that she acted like it never occurred to their family to make it fun for the girl. She said eventually the girl went and lived with another family.

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It depends on the families involved. I know for us we met the parents of our student. They wanted us to parent him and be involved. So we were going to co-parent. That is not exactly how things have turned out. :)

 

His mom told me that if he didn't do well in school then she wanted me to place him on restriction. I did that and she asked me to please release him. They don't really follow through with discipline, not when he was with them and not now.

 

My expectations are that he keep his room clean, help out when needed, do his own laundry, give me adequate notice when he needs rides, and keep me informed about where he is going and with whom. We try to treat him like one of our own, but he comes from a different family with different cultural values. Where he comes from he can travel all over his country and even go to another country by himself and has done this since he was 14. He can drink legally in his country and even here the Korean store owners will sell him alcohol.

 

All I can do is guide him. I remind him that in this country it is illegal to drink, and to never, ever ride with someone who has been drinking. For the most part he has been a dream. I do worry about him. He and I are very close, and he calls me mom. He is not very close to my kids though, my daughter he goes to school with yes, they are friendly. He prefers to only hang out with people from his country. I get that, but I have learned that this is not uncommon of foreign exchange students.

 

I try to cook one Asian dish a week. He doesn't like American food, and so we have alternatives available for him. Just like my kids he can make himself a sandwich, but I also provide rice & ramen. He likes to shop, eat out, and do Karaoke.

 

He's not doing well in school, and that bothers me, but I cannot make him study. If he acts up at school he gets work detention. He hates that. If he were to act up at my home I could ask for him to be removed. He loves it with us, and this is his second home. If he is removed from another home he will be excused from the program.

 

I love this kid. I want the best for him and I'm kind of frustrated that he doesn't understand what an incredible opportunity he is experiencing, but all I can do is my best by him, and understand the cultural difference. I will say that a friend of mine has had problems with bad attitudes, alcohol, smoking, and porn in her home from her exchange student. I feel pretty blessed with my kiddo.

 

Did I answer your questions? Do you have any other questions?

 

 

ETA: I would not send a child unless I met the family, and knew that someone was checking on my child as well. I don't trust easily when it comes to my kids. Also, I would never send a child that couldn't almost function like an adult, an extremely responsible kid.

Edited by True Blue
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We don't see her much, but that is what she is used to. Her parents are workaholics, six days a week and she only sees them about two hours a day total.

 

Yes, their idea of family can be very different. My student told me he rarely sees his parents and they don't talk like I was talking to him; about his day, his thoughts, the turmoil in his country etc.

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That was one of the biggest reservations I had about doing this. I am overly protective of my kids, and she is used to taking a bus all of the city by herself at anytime she pleases. We had some hard discussions about boundaries, I had her watch the movie: Taken b/c she didn't believe that it wasn't safe for a young pretty girl to wander the streets downtown here. We did have to send an email to her parents (thanks to Google translate) asking what they were comfortable with as far as her going places. Once we had that input, we told her what we are willing to do. My teens understand that she gets to do some things they don't...b/c she is not my child. She is also an Atheist, so that makes it a little uncomfortable at times. The only family activity we require of her is church (we go on Saturday mornings). Many Saturdays, like today, she has UIL competitions or Yearbook meetings. She is also very active in two Musicals right now. We don't see her much, but that is what she is used to. Her parents are workaholics, six days a week and she only sees them about two hours a day total.

Curious, would you require this of her if she were of another faith rather than Atheist? Say she was Jewish, Muslim, or Buddhist. Why?

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Thanks for the responses so far.

 

I am thinking that maybe I should articulate the list of questions on nitty gritty details, LOL. Feel free to answer only some of them if you wish.

 

For example:

 

1. Who decides when the teen comes home from school and whether they have to come home straight from school, or they can socialize a bit after school or even stay outside to study outside home (e.g. in a library), with only a general supper / evening curfew?

And if there is a disagreement between the two sides, do we go with a more stringent opinion ("better safe than sorry" sort of thing if we disagree on something), with the host family's opinion (because it is their immediate reality at stake) or the actual family's opinion (because it is after all their child)?

 

2. Who decides whether the amounts of money at teen's disposal (the actual family financing them) are adequate? Should host families voice any concerns in this area (too little, too much, dangerously too much to carry around, etc.), or it is strictly at the actual family's discretion?

Should host family care at all how the student is spending their money, provided no illegal substances are involved?

 

3. Who finances those extra "family stuff" - museums cultural experiences and travel, etc.? What about extracurriculars? Suppose the family finances the teen directly (with pocket money) and room and board are free (or otherwise agreed upon), but what about those nitty gritty details of who pays what of the extras? Do you instruct the teen to offer to pay these things as they occur - and risk the host family getting offended if in their mind it goes without saying that they would pay - or do you tacitly assume all of those extras are provided by the host family?

 

4. Who decides whether the teen can do sleepovers? What is the curfew for socializing? What are the acceptable places to socialize (assuming both the actual and the host family "know" the city and where the youths tend to hang out)?

 

5. If the teen messes up something about school (fails a test, cuts school with friends, whatever) who deals with them - the host family or their actual family? What if they way the actual family would deal with it differs from the way the host family would deal with it?

 

6. What is the normal amount of oversight and controlling the teen's activities? For example, should the host family know that a) the teen will be absent between 3 and 7 that afternoon (no info); b) the teen will be abent between 3 and 7 that afternoon and during that time they will see a friend, go for a treatment at a beautician, stop some place to eat or drink something, maybe see a nearby bookstore; c) the teen will be absent between 3 and 7 that afternoon, and during that time they will see an XY friend (precisely who), go for a treatment (precisely which) at a beautician (exactly which and where), stop (precisely which place) to graze something, maybe see a nearby bookstore (precisely which) and why some of that.

And what if the actual family would prefer differently?

 

7. How involved should the host family be with school? Should they actually call the school, inform themselves on how the teen is doing, do the PTA thing, ask the teen about what they are learning and about their homework, or leave it all up to them unless they come with a problem? And what if the actual family would do it differently?

 

This is without even touching the religion issue. :lol:

 

I know these are many questions, but if somebody feels like sharing how they solve(d) these dilemmas, I am all :bigear:.

 

ETA: Just to prevent confusion, I am on the "actual family" side, but seeing that more people here have experience from the opposite side, with hosting, I phrased the questions more in that vein. But I am interested in just ANY perspectives, really. I know these questions can probably be answered in all sorts of ways, but sort of trying to see how other people handle it.

Edited by Ester Maria
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I have to also wonder why you would force an atheist to attend church.

 

In our situation the mom asked that he go to church with us once a week, and it is also a requirement of the program he is in. Mom is Christian, Dad is Atheist, Grandparents are Buddhist.

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Friends from our church hosted a student last year, I asked her these same questions...we are considering hosting a student. She said she was not prepared for the 100% reliance on her to do everything for him...she IS his legal guardian while he was over here....she said that he followed every rule/restriction that their family had (that is part of the experience) and did everything with their family except for 2 events where she said she just needed time with just her family....it was quite the demand on her time having an extra child...I think she thought there would be more independence and autonomy but she was responsible for a great deal. They also paid for most everything for him, she laughed b/c his parents had asked why he was spending so much money, but she said they paid for most everything, they thought a lot was $200 for a few months...she paid for food/clothing etc. but if he wanted extras (school t-shirts/concert tickets) that he had to pay...

Not sure if this answers your question, but if we took in a student, we would require everything that we require for our children..but then again, we're not that stringent on a lot of things, but we do have a lot of chores having farm animals.

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My family hosted several exchange students when I was a teen. One was for a whole year. My parents set rules about curfew/acceptable activities and checking in because they were responsible for keeping the student safe. Student spending money was between the student and his/her parents. Family outings were paid for by my parents, including the exchange student(s) as another member of the family. My exchange student siblings basically had to follow the same (reasonable) rules as the rest of us. :) If the parents of an exchange student had specific preferences, I'm sure my parents would have honored those requests. I'm not aware if any requests like that, though.

 

The student we hosted for a year still feels like family. :)

 

ETA: School. My parents required us to do well in our classes. I went to a different school from our year-long student. I vaguely remember helping her with schoolwork at times. I think my parents kept tabs on how she was doing as well, just like they did for the rest of us. She was a responsible girl and didn't cause any trouble. If there had been issues, I think my parents would have contacted the exchange student program for help.

 

Thanks for the responses so far.

 

I am thinking that maybe I should articulate the list of questions on nitty gritty details, LOL. Feel free to answer only some of them if you wish.

 

For example:

 

1. Who decides when the teen comes home from school and whether they have to come home straight from school, or they can socialize a bit after school or even stay outside to study outside home (e.g. in a library), with only a general supper / evening curfew?

And if there is a disagreement between the two sides, do we go with a more stringent opinion ("better safe than sorry" sort of thing if we disagree on something), with the host family's opinion (because it is their immediate reality at stake) or the actual family's opinion (because it is after all their child)?

 

2. Who decides whether the amounts of money at teen's disposal (the actual family financing them) are adequate? Should host families voice any concerns in this area (too little, too much, dangerously too much to carry around, etc.), or it is strictly at the actual family's discretion?

Should host family care at all how the student is spending their money, provided no illegal substances are involved?

 

3. Who finances those extra "family stuff" - museums cultural experiences and travel, etc.? What about extracurriculars? Suppose the family finances the teen directly (with pocket money) and room and board are free (or otherwise agreed upon), but what about those nitty gritty details of who pays what of the extras? Do you instruct the teen to offer to pay these things as they occur - and risk the host family getting offended if in their mind it goes without saying that they would pay - or do you tacitly assume all of those extras are provided by the host family?

 

4. Who decides whether the teen can do sleepovers? What is the curfew for socializing? What are the acceptable places to socialize (assuming both the actual and the host family "know" the city and where the youths tend to hang out)?

 

5. If the teen messes up something about school (fails a test, cuts school with friends, whatever) who deals with them - the host family or their actual family? What if they way the actual family would deal with it differs from the way the host family would deal with it?

 

6. What is the normal amount of oversight and controlling the teen's activities? For example, should the host family know that a) the teen will be absent between 3 and 7 that afternoon (no info); b) the teen will be abent between 3 and 7 that afternoon and during that time they will see a friend, go for a treatment at a beautician, stop some place to eat or drink something, maybe see a nearby bookstore; c) the teen will be absent between 3 and 7 that afternoon, and during that time they will see an XY friend (precisely who), go for a treatment (precisely which) at a beautician (exactly which and where), stop (precisely which place) to graze something, maybe see a nearby bookstore (precisely which) and why some of that.

And what if the actual family would prefer differently?

 

7. How involved should the host family be with school? Should they actually call the school, inform themselves on how the teen is doing, do the PTA thing, ask the teen about what they are learning and about their homework, or leave it all up to them unless they come with a problem? And what if the actual family would do it differently?

 

This is without even touching the religion issue. :lol:

 

I know these are many questions, but if somebody feels like sharing how they solve(d) these dilemmas, I am all :bigear:.

 

ETA: Just to prevent confusion, I am on the "actual family" side, but seeing that more people here have experience from the opposite side, with hosting, I phrased the questions more in that vein. But I am interested in just ANY perspectives, really. I know these questions can probably be answered in all sorts of ways, but sort of trying to see how other people handle it.

Edited by Veritaserum
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In my experience, host parents do not pay for things like clothing, school expenses, or leisure or travel expenses that don't involve the whole family. Our year-long student had a credit card that her father paid for in her home country.

 

Friends from our church hosted a student last year, I asked her these same questions...we are considering hosting a student. She said she was not prepared for the 100% reliance on her to do everything for him...she IS his legal guardian while he was over here....she said that he followed every rule/restriction that their family had (that is part of the experience) and did everything with their family except for 2 events where she said she just needed time with just her family....it was quite the demand on her time having an extra child...I think she thought there would be more independence and autonomy but she was responsible for a great deal. They also paid for most everything for him, she laughed b/c his parents had asked why he was spending so much money, but she said they paid for most everything, they thought a lot was $200 for a few months...she paid for food/clothing etc. but if he wanted extras (school t-shirts/concert tickets) that he had to pay...

Not sure if this answers your question, but if we took in a student, we would require everything that we require for our children..but then again, we're not that stringent on a lot of things, but we do have a lot of chores having farm animals.

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When my friend from Japan lived her host family here, they had her as a part of their family... all the way. SO, if their kids did it, so did she. She was respectful of their family, and did some "common" chores. I think every once in a while they would leave their kids with her, but not too often. She did mention that the kids wouldn't listen to her. She even came back to live with them for a while after her formal exchange.

 

If I were going to have a host child, I'd have to explain how our family works. Our kids are allowed almost complete freedom by 16, except that they need to ask if things will work out, and always let us know where they are. Often, that's just texting us.... "Is it ok if I run by and grab some soda and get my hair cut before I come home?" And of course, unless there's a good reason, that's fine.

I would expect to split the chores that we have the kids do, so that may be unloading the dishwasher each morning and taking out the kitchen trash on the way out the door, or something like that.

If it's an unofficial host thing, I would think you'd offer to pay a certain amount for your children to be there. I think usually there's a fee per month that the host family gets for food and such. I would think that concert tix, etc.... would be covered by your family. If money is comfortable for you, I would think you'd talk with the host family about what their eating out and entertainment habits are. Museum tix and such can be pretty expensive, and if your child was able to go to some cool things, I think it'd be worth some extra money.

I would expect general politeness, and would tell my child to follow the pattern of the house. For us, we have no public transportation, and so we have to think about how we'll all get to where we need to be. By 16 or so, kids are almost adults, and should only need occasional direction, I would think. (At least that's my experience) I would expect for my kids to *ask*versus tell, but think that this is out of politeness versus me telling them no.... For our family, it's pretty much a rule that you can only spend the night with your same gender.... (like a group of girls is fine for my daughters) And, you can't spend the night without parents being present. (But, I wanna meet the parents, especially the Dad) I also ask about weapons in the house. I guess that usually if I'm saying "no" it's about giving more $$ or driving somewhere out of our town.

:)

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I have been an exchange student living in a family, but I was in college at the time, so a little different. I did have to follow the family's "rules" so to speak, about being there at meal times, letting them know when I would be gone, participate in a bathroom sharing schedule.

 

I am also going to be hosting a 14 year old German girl for the summer, so I've been giving this a bit of thought, as well. I won't have to deal with school, and she's still pretty young, so I think I'll treat her pretty much as if she were one of my kids. I plan to pay for everything we do as a family, such as museums, parks, mini-trips, etc. Anything extra she wants to buy will be with her own money.

 

If I did host an exchange student who went to school, I'd expect the common courtesy to be told the child's plans, i.e. if they weren't coming home at a regular time for some reason, I'd want to know about it. Depending on the age and their comfort level, I'd give them some freedom to do some things on their own. I wouldn't expect to be directly involved in the school work or other school related things unless expressly asked to do so by the student or the student's parents. I would take into consideration how the parents handle their own child and would probably try to emulate this to the best of my ability. The only exception would be if I knew that a certain behavior could be dangerous. As far as spending money, I think I'd try to explain a reasonable amount to the parents, and if they send too much, oh well. If they don't send enough, I'd probably make up for it with a little of my own money.

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we have taken part in an exchange.... dd had a guest from israel for a month, then she was to go to israel the following year for a month. however, they were only 13/14 so it was easier than if they'd been older.

 

we paid for family things, she paid for extra things she wanted to do, within reason. we provided the same oversight as we did for dd. this was more than she was accustomed to. mostly, she became an extra child, but more as if one of my sibling's kids had been visiting - there were acknowledged differences in the way families did things, but also an expectation of mutual respect and "fitting in". so i did track where she was, who she was with, what they were doing, etc, as i would for a neice. i did "parent" about homework, etc.

 

we provided "almost kosher" food..... the food was kosher, but the person preparing it (me) wasn't jewish, and the dishes were our everyday dishes. we did offer to help get her set up with cooking pans, and plates, etc, that were just hers and only used by her for kosher food, but she chose not to. we did at that point check with her parents to make sure they were on board with that. they were.

 

we took her to synagogue and she came to church. it was a lot. it was Very Good.

 

:grouphug:

ann

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Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

Our kids are allowed almost complete freedom by 16, except that they need to ask if things will work out, and always let us know where they are. Often, that's just texting us.... "Is it ok if I run by and grab some soda and get my hair cut before I come home?" And of course, unless there's a good reason, that's fine.

See, this is a part of the problem.

 

We play independent too, but what happens when you land your child into a family that turns out not to play as independent as you do? They are a truly loving and warm family, but I was a bit taken aback at how involved they want to be. At first I thought it was normal because she is quite young (almost 15, sort of that crazy age at which you can neither be treated as a child nor as an older teen) and those were the first days, but now that she has been there for about a month and... Not sure what to think. :confused:

 

They do treat her exactly the way they treat their other children, but I am becoming a bit uncomfortable with some of it. I am not sure I can elaborate on it without going into details.

If it's an unofficial host thing, I would think you'd offer to pay a certain amount for your children to be there. I think usually there's a fee per month that the host family gets for food and such. I would think that concert tix, etc.... would be covered by your family. If money is comfortable for you, I would think you'd talk with the host family about what their eating out and entertainment habits are. Museum tix and such can be pretty expensive, and if your child was able to go to some cool things, I think it'd be worth some extra money.

Huh, not sure how to explain this without details. We are not paying anything for room and board, and they would likely be offended if we insisted. We will probably come up with some indirect way to thank them.

 

I have to tread carefully here. If I insist that we pay for these extras, they may feel offended, but at the same time, it just does not feel "right" that they are paying for it.

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IF your child (or you when you were younger) ever stayed in a host family as a living arrangement for an extended period of time (say, a student exchange or something like that?), OR if you were on the other side, hosting an exchange student, talk to me about this.

 

What are reasonable boundaries?

 

Where does "actual" parental authority end and the host family authority, which is also during the period legally responsible for a minor, begins? In which issues and dilemmas do you go by the "actual" family's preferences and in which do you go by the host family's preferences? This can be about just about anything, from dietary preferences to curfews to general parenting issues? IOW, what amount of "parenting" is okay - do you trust your child to the host family pretty much only for room and board, while remaining the sole one who decides on all the important issues and what they can or what they cannot do, or do you submit your child to the parental authority of the host family as well, especially if they have other children and it creates an uncomfortable situation is the host child is exempted from the way they normally do things?

 

I am sorry this is so vague, but I would just appreciate general ideas if you have, or concrete experiences if somebody is willing to share.

 

I was a summer exchange student. We also hosted a student for a month. A couple things come to mind.

 

First if there are legal or program restrictions, then neither of the families ought to try to override this. Two categories I can think of are driving (many programs won't allow, even if the student has a license at home) or drinking (ie, a teen in the US ought not be drinking, even if that is normal for his age in his home country).

 

Another issue that came up was drug use. The teen we hosted would go downtown and visit with other exchange students. Putting together things after the fact, he was buying and using marajuana (at least). He was probably smoking this some at our house. There was one incident when he passed out in the hallway. I was pretty naive about what was happening, but I think my parents asked to have him removed from our house.

 

Another legal issue I can think of might be riding with other teens. The teens we knew when we (as adults) lived in Germany had more freedom of mobility than the average US teen, because they could get so many places using public transportation. But some states in the US don't allow teen drivers to carry other teens in the car (or restrict how many and when during the day). So doing things like "hanging out" or staying after school might either put a transportation burden on the host family or put them in a position of causing another teen to violate driving restrictions.

 

FWIW, I don't think that my parents and host parents had any contact at all. But this was summer time, so school wasn't much of an issue.

 

I did have a lot of spending money. And for me, there were many wonderful clothes and accessories and souveniers that were very good prices, because of the exchange rate. I bought my own food and drink when I was out and about with friends or with my host brother/sister. My host family frequently paid for admission to museums and other sites. (I'm not sure there is a perfect way to work this, and it depends on several factors.)

 

My host parents had kids my age or slightly older. If a host family had much younger kids than the exchange student, I could see them wanting to keep closer tabs on things. One thing I might suggest is having the exchange group supervisors help clarify expectations. Spending time with peers is a big part of the exchange experience. On the other hand, the host family is too and ought not be treated like just a place for room and food.

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See, this is a part of the problem.

 

We play independent too, but what happens when you land your child into a family that turns out not to play as independent as you do? They are a truly loving and warm family, but I was a bit taken aback at how involved they want to be. At first I thought it was normal because she is quite young (almost 15, sort of that crazy age at which you can neither be treated as a child nor as an older teen) and those were the first days, but now that she has been there for about a month and... Not sure what to think. :confused:

 

 

Perhaps it's because of where they live? I live in a town of about 9000. If my kids do something wrong, I'll know about it before they get home. :) (hopefully!) There hasn't ever been a murder here, that I know of... Some small burglaries.

I was walking with a friend in NYC when I was 19... (I lived in Jersey) BUT, if I lived in NYC, that doesn't mean my children at almost 15 or even 16/17 would have that same freedom.

 

I suppose it's "What" you're scared of, and if it's reasonable. We are actually the strict ones out of my step-daughter's "two families" (She lives half in both houses) From the age of maybe 9 she could go wherever she wanted at her mom's... and just be home by dark or leave a note. With us, I still want her to "ask" and let us know where she is. I also am willing to extend myself more to "get" her places... but her mom is now willing for her to drive more.... It's different at both houses... with advantages for her at both homes.

(And, is she fluent in the language? Can she ask for help, well, if she has problems?)

If they aren't being as ok with her going around as you'd like, I'd ask what they are worried about. Perhaps there are real reasons for concern. OR, perhaps they would be open to being freer with her, if they realize the responsibility that you are ok with her having...

:)

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first of all, my dh is Jewish, I am Christian, and we were supposed to get an Israeli exchange student initially. That didn't work out, so we got one from Ukraine instead. The program specifies that if the family attends religious services, they have to attend with the family. So, we don't force her. She also chooses to pray with us when having the blessing over the meal, etc.

 

And, if you read my post more carefully, you would see that she frequently DOES NOT attend church with us b/c she has other outside commitments...theater, piano concerts, etc.

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first of all, my dh is Jewish, I am Christian, and we were supposed to get an Israeli exchange student initially. That didn't work out, so we got one from Ukraine instead. The program specifies that if the family attends religious services, they have to attend with the family. So, we don't force her. She also chooses to pray with us when having the blessing over the meal, etc.

 

And, if you read my post more carefully, you would see that she frequently DOES NOT attend church with us b/c she has other outside commitments...theater, piano concerts, etc.

I did read your post carefully and did note that. However, your post read, "we require of her". This appeared as though it was YOU requiring her to attend, not the program. If it's part of the rules of the program, then that is understandable from a cultural exchange concept.

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Perhaps it's because of where they live?

Perhaps, but my daughter is used to urban environments. The family lives in a good neighborhood located in a good part of the city, so it is not like she lives in some suspicious quarters filled with violence. Obviously, the city as such has its dangers and I am not denying that, but my personal impression is that she is on the best location possible - in the city, but still in a fairly tranquil place.

 

This child is almost 15 and really quite independent; I have never kept my children on a very short tether, so to speak, and it seems to me reasonable and normal that she would wish to roam about on her own, check bookstores, socialize in caffes with her friends, etc., provided she sticks to secure and agreed upon locations. I double checked with all of my friends and colleagues who have similarly-aged teenage daughters living in large (European) cities about what is "normal" nowadays, and they all say that these are perfectly normal things that I expect.

(And, is she fluent in the language? Can she ask for help, well, if she has problems?)

Yes, reasonably fluent.

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Sebastian:

 

She does not drive, drink nor do drugs; car rides are not an issue because her friends would not be driving anyway, plus they are in a city so public transport is the most handy way to get places, which also allows an almost complete freedom to teenagers, in that they are not dependent on their parents to drive them places and pick them up. Unless, of course, they wish to go out as in go out, clubbing and stuff like that in the evenings / nights (very common amongst young people, though I presume 15 is still on the young end), but I had a serious chat with her about that, because I am nowhere near ready for her to start "going out" in that sense, so that is not an issue. Still, I think she should be free to roam about in broad daylight, maybe even a little into the evenings with her friends when the days get longer and the weather becomes warm enough to be on open air, I also think it should not be a problem to make an occasional exception if she were to go to a concert with friends or something like that, I would be okay with some evening extracurriculars too... all of the things she *would* be allowed at home. I see no point in arbitrary rules such as "come home straight from school", for example (I never did either).

 

There are actually no program requirements, we are doing this "privately", she is enrolled like a regular student in the school and has the option of staying there for good (with graduation) if she wants. I am just not sure how to handle some of these issues, whether to tell her to just suck it up and do as they wish, because it is after all their home and their rules, or to attempt to talk to them, but then I must tread carefully not to offend and not to say something which is not my place.

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Since you are doing this privately, I'm assuming you know the host parents? Can you discuss this with them? Perhaps their dc aren't as mature and really shouldn't be wandering around the city unsupervised (children do mature at different rates.) Has any one their dc (or their friends' dc) gotten into trouble from too much freedom too soon? Been unable to manage freedom and school? Gotten in with the "wrong" crowd? Do they think she has been pampered and has no "street smarts?"

 

Is there some reason they would want her to come straight home after school? Is anyone even home when she gets there? Are they looking for free baby-sitting? English instruction for their kiddos?

 

Or are they just afraid of what might happen to someone else's child while they are responsible for her?

 

If this is only the first month of a year long (or open ended) arrangement, and you/dd are already unhappy, I suspect you need to hash it out (tactfully, of course.)

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Sebastian:

 

She does not drive, drink nor do drugs; car rides are not an issue because her friends would not be driving anyway, plus they are in a city so public transport is the most handy way to get places, which also allows an almost complete freedom to teenagers, in that they are not dependent on their parents to drive them places and pick them up. Unless, of course, they wish to go out as in go out, clubbing and stuff like that in the evenings / nights (very common amongst young people, though I presume 15 is still on the young end), but I had a serious chat with her about that, because I am nowhere near ready for her to start "going out" in that sense, so that is not an issue. Still, I think she should be free to roam about in broad daylight, maybe even a little into the evenings with her friends when the days get longer and the weather becomes warm enough to be on open air, I also think it should not be a problem to make an occasional exception if she were to go to a concert with friends or something like that, I would be okay with some evening extracurriculars too... all of the things she *would* be allowed at home. I see no point in arbitrary rules such as "come home straight from school", for example (I never did either).

 

There are actually no program requirements, we are doing this "privately", she is enrolled like a regular student in the school and has the option of staying there for good (with graduation) if she wants. I am just not sure how to handle some of these issues, whether to tell her to just suck it up and do as they wish, because it is after all their home and their rules, or to attempt to talk to them, but then I must tread carefully not to offend and not to say something which is not my place.

 

In this case, it seems to me that part of the experience is living in another family's home and abiding by their rules and their cultural norms, even if they are more restrictive than in your home. I don't think I would be asking the host family to allow my child more freedoms than they offer their own children- that just doesn't seem fair to the family or the other children involved. I can appreciate that in general some concessions will need to be made on either side in a host family situation, but I'd prefer to choose those battles very carefully. For example, if our religious traditions were different, I'd want my child to be allowed to and made time to worship with those of like belief, as well as participating in the host family's tradition. But in matters like bedtimes, chores, checking in, participation in evening activities, etc, I'd want my child to abide by the rules and norms that the host family is comfortable with. If the cultural differences were too great and it was intolerable for my child, then I'd consider it not to be a good fit and would probably terminate the arrangement.

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Since you are doing this privately, I'm assuming you know the host parents? Can you discuss this with them?

We know the family, yes, but it is a complicated matter - it is not so much that *we* know them, rather, we "inherited" a kind of a connection with them, the actual strong friendships are the ones in our parents' and the generation before, and there were also some major life favors done along the way, which brings about an awkward situation in which we do not pay for anything and they would likely be offended if we tried. In return, it makes us also a bit uncomfortable about being pushy or complaining about things, because it may appear not nice if here we have a family that took upon themselves a commitment out of a feeling of some obligation and honor, and now we are "not satisfied". So, in a way, I am trying to juggle the situation without committing some faux pas.

Is there some reason they would want her to come straight home after school? Is anyone even home when she gets there? Are they looking for free baby-sitting? English instruction for their kiddos?

The host mother has a rather flexible, somewhat unpredictable part time schedule, so she is indeed home some of the time, but not all of it. All children are instructed to come home straight from school unless they have fixed other commitments, well, often they do, plus they have longer school days than she does because they are in a different kind of school. My daughter does not have outside stuff (yet, except for music), so she should come home straight from school and sit and learn. :confused:

 

I honestly do not know that any of their other children had any bad experiences or issues - to me they all seem like very fine children.

Or are they just afraid of what might happen to someone else's child while they are responsible for her?

I think they are probably just afraid, yes. Maybe they think, quite reasonably, that she should settle a bit before socializing and get into the school rhythm to estimate how much time she needs and how much other commitments and social stuff she can handle? But my daughter still feels "micromanaged" and thinks they are "nosey" because they constantly ask questions like where is she going, who is she going with, what are they going to do there, etc. She also feels like they ask too many questions about school and the host mother has been to school twice already (!), in the first month, just to check out if everything is going fine.

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I hope you didn't think I was suggesting that your daughter was some sort of a wild child. I was trying to think of areas of differing expectation that we'd experienced.

LOL! No, I did not think so ;), I was just trying to explain why we are not having a "typical" exchange situation here. I thought your concerns were spot on, however, for most other situations and thanks for bringing them up.

 

(Oh, and if she were "wild", we would send her to a boot camp rather than to a school. :lol:)

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So discussing it may be too direct.

 

Perhaps dd needs to ease host-mom into more freedom. If your dd is feeling cabin fever, have her find formal plans for after school. Join a sport, a gym, a club or something. Start with little things: "Can I go with Susie to the library after school tomorrow?" And build up to Susie's house, the cafe, the bookstore, general shopping, etc. Until host mom is convinced your dd will be safe and responsible. (If host mom's dc are younger that could take a while.)

 

Sounds like host-mom is just not used to not knowing where her dc are at all times. It would probably help your dd to view this as a courtesy to the host mom- to always let host mom know where she will be. Even if she has to phrase as a "Mother may I."

 

As an adult, when I go to someone's house I don't just disappear for hours without telling them where I will be either. I would view it as rude. And I will often phrase it as "Would you mind if I..."

 

HTH

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I personally wouldn't turn loose a teen like that without (a) being comfortable that my teen would likely make good choices with zero adult input and (b) having enough discussions with the host family that I was comfortable that their parenting style wasn't so different (in either direction: strict or permissive) from ours that it would present problems.

 

In your case, I would probably try to make it clear with the parents what amount of oversight and/or latitude I was okay with, but also that my dd was instructed to follow the house rules. Does your dd want you to try to get her some freedom or at least back her up regarding what is okay with you guys or does she want to deal with it herself?

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We hosted an exchange student when I was in high school. She was under my parents' roof, so she lived by their rules. Of course, if her parents had been stricter than mine, with specific requests/guidelines, I'm sure they would have honored that. However, we had no contact with her family whatsoever, had no idea what their rules were or behavior expectations.

 

I remember one specific incident when she wanted to cross the border with a bunch of friends to go partying/sightseeing/whatever. She had turned 18, which was the drinking age on the other side of the border, and this was a common thing for young people to do. My parents discussed it and decided they didn't feel comfortable letting her go. I don't think it ever occurred to them to ask her parents what they thought. They just didn't feel it was the responsible thing to do as her guardians while she was in the country.

 

She did eventually move out to live with another family whose rules and lifestyle she preferred. :glare:

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When you commented the part about "who she's going with, where she's going, what she's doing..." I think this is normal. For here, it'd be I'd like to go to the movies (one theatre in town), run by the drugstore, and shop around.... She would also have a cell phone, so I could text her if I wanted to do so. I wouldn't expect her to go in anyone's house without letting me know... She can "go around town"... because my daughter has a cell phone, and she's trustworthy. My 13 year old needs to text me an "I'm ok" about every hr or so, if she's just walking around. I am careful to point out things like "make sure that your friends don't shoplift, you're responsible if they do, too" and things of this nature. I am WAY more worried about what friends may do, as I don't "know" them, than I am about any of my children :) We're fortunate.... our kids are pretty good :) I have to say that when my stepdaughters were younger, they didn't have the freedom that my daughter has had, to some extent. My older girls have paved the way, and also my daughter is pretty strong... and decently "street smart", too. It's so hard with kids!!! I would think in the next few weeks, they'd loosen up the reigns on your daughter, as her grades are good and they get to really know her. (And they are able to watch her around the city)

Good Luck!! I'd love for my daughter to be able to be an exchange student someday!! :)

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I guess my question is what is your goal for her as far as living in another country? Most exchange programs focus on cultural understanding. If this is your goal, then living by the rules of a family in the host country is part of the learning experience. My dd is going to Spain in the fall for a year and we will be hosting a student from Spain for half that time (Rotary Club has them switch families so they can experience differences in families). I know that teenagers in Spain often go out clubbing and stay out late at night. While I would prefer my dd not do that, I know she will, it's part of their culture. On the other hand, the student who stays with us might not like the fact that she will have to be home by 9pm on school nights and keep us informed of her plans. It's how we do things though, and she will have to adjust. It's first and foremost a cultural exchange and not about just living in a foreign country. If you have different goals for your child, you should probably discuss it with the hosts.

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Perhaps dd needs to ease host-mom into more freedom. If your dd is feeling cabin fever, have her find formal plans for after school. Join a sport, a gym, a club or something. Start with little things: "Can I go with Susie to the library after school tomorrow?" And build up to Susie's house, the cafe, the bookstore, general shopping, etc. Until host mom is convinced your dd will be safe and responsible. (If host mom's dc are younger that could take a while.)

This is the current plan. :)

 

DH thought of one more thing. Maybe part of the problem is that the oldest child in the family is a boy older than my DD, and there are many people who feel much more at ease letting their boys wander around than doing the same with their girls, they sometimes delay allowing to their girls the degree of freedom their boys had at the same age, and the girls in the family here are a bit younger than my DD, so it may be that these things have simply never come up yet with their girls (evening socializing, etc.).

Also, since there are longer school days, it actually makes *sense* to require of children, especially the younger ones, to come home straight from school or when they are done with any additional obligations they might have. They do have a long pause in the middle of the day and she has some free hours inserted into her schedule too so that perhaps the family is thinking that this chunk of time is "enough", on a daily basis? But it would still make no sense to require the same thing when she finishes earlier?

 

I agree with you that she should "formalize" her after school time for starters and build it up from there. I think this is the route to take.

Does your dd want you to try to get her some freedom or at least back her up regarding what is okay with you guys or does she want to deal with it herself?

She wants us to handle it, of course. :glare: On the other hand, I think there is a significantly lesser "damage potential" if she were to speak to them, because she is a kid. Also, it seems to me more "proper" to remain out of this rather than interfere.

 

We will see how it goes with formalizing her being out. :D Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

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