Jean in Newcastle Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 It is ds10's birthday coming up. He asked for a friend birthday party this year. I planned this nice hiking party (thanks to advice from others here). He shot the idea full of holes. Ok- no hiking party. I suggested that we rent the local community center gym and invite friends (he had said he wanted both adult friends and kid friends) and that we play a sport (he suggested indoor soccer). But as soon as I said I was going to call to book the gym, he started to gripe about how he really wanted to invite only 2 kid friends over. His idea was to invite them and their game systems (which he doesn't have) over. Not going to happen - this child has shown signs of having serious addiction problems with media like this (when he was 8) and we just are not going there. So, I said, how about if we invite the same two friends and go to a movie? Nope - that didn't meet his expectations. At this point my response was, a party is a gift, not an entitlement and he is not showing much gratitude or appreciation for a party whether it was "perfect" or not. He shouted, "Fine- then don't have a stupid party!" and stormed off. Sigh. He is not showing any capacity for a party right now. No capacity to enjoy it or to appreciate it. I'm honestly thinking of scrapping the whole thing. We would still celebrate as a family. We would still give him a present (a kitten which he has wanted forever). What says the hive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I don't see a problem with that. DD had many years when I knew she lacked the capacity to appreciate it and she didn't have one. I am so over doing extra things like that for unappreciative children! just my .02 shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarheel Heather Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 It is ds10's birthday coming up. He asked for a friend birthday party this year. I planned this nice hiking party (thanks to advice from others here). He shot the idea full of holes. Ok- no hiking party. I suggested that we rent the local community center gym and invite friends (he had said he wanted both adult friends and kid friends) and that we play a sport (he suggested indoor soccer). But as soon as I said I was going to call to book the gym, he started to gripe about how he really wanted to invite only 2 kid friends over. His idea was to invite them and their game systems (which he doesn't have) over. Not going to happen - this child has shown signs of having serious addiction problems with media like this (when he was 8) and we just are not going there. So, I said, how about if we invite the same two friends and go to a movie? Nope - that didn't meet his expectations. At this point my response was, a party is a gift, not an entitlement and he is not showing much gratitude or appreciation for a party whether it was "perfect" or not. He shouted, "Fine- then don't have a stupid party!" and stormed off. Sigh. He is not showing any capacity for a party right now. No capacity to enjoy it or to appreciate it. I'm honestly thinking of scrapping the whole thing. We would still celebrate as a family. We would still give him a present (a kitten which he has wanted forever). What says the hive? I guess we are strange family here. We have never done the big birthday party thing. We have always kept it to family and maybe one to three friends. Like you said it is a gift and if he is having a hard time with that keep it to family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Yep, a party is not and entitlement. For my ds's recent 10th "party", he chose a restaurant and got to invite 2 friends along. It was fun -- a Japanese steakhouse that does the "show" in front of you. No real party here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I'm all about having a couple friends over for dinner and making them King for the Day. They choose the day's meals (+ dessert at dinner) for the day and get to pick out a movie. With the ungratefulness shown, I'd skip the party and really work up the kitten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ckmommyof3 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I don't see a problem with that. DD had many years when I knew she lacked the capacity to appreciate it and she didn't have one. I am so over doing extra things like that for unappreciative children! just my .02 shell :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie in Oh Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I wouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 We've always given our children a budget and let them plan whatever they wanted to do with friends and/or family. With our budget, this usually means having another family over for pizza and cake or going as a family to the zoo or museum with dinner out. For various reasons we don't get invited, but because we're outside a lot they have seen the over-the-top parties of the neighbors with catering tents, multiple blow-up bouncy things, balls pits, magicians, ponies, etc. etc. and 15-20 screaming children. Thankfully they haven't complained yet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 the birthday child gets to choose his/her favorite (homemade) foods and I cook a special birthday meal for our family only (dh & ER & EK & me). Sometimes the ingredients are a bit expensive -- not foods that we eat on a regular basis: ribs or fresh salmon or roast beef, and birthday cake. We usually don't do presents either, but when we do, it's usually something inexpensive (in the $10-$15 range). ER's 18th birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and he has already requested that I fix roast beef, green bean casserole, and blueberry cobbler. Yummy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 Is it ok that at dd6's last birthday we rented the community center and invited a lot of adults and kids and played kickball? We don't usually do birthday parties (this was the one and only big one we've done) but it was worth it for me because it doubled as P.E.! I guess I feel like we favored his sister (who had a great attitude about it all) and I was set to do something nice for him too (to keep things somewhat "fair") but now his attitude is ruining it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I think that it is pretty drastic to offer a birthday party and then withdraw it. That sounds kind of harsh to me. My inclination would be to set the parameters, and ask him to come up with an idea. The parameters might include number of children, and maximum distance travelled or maximum number of things you all could do, or something like that. Certainly they would include that nothing your family disapproves of would be permissible. There should also be a deadline for a decision about what to do, and then off he goes to figure it out. WRT the kitten, I am philosophically opposed to giving a pet as a present, since what it really is is a responsibility for a life; but if a child is allowed to have a pet, I think that pet gear makes a great present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 ...his sister...had a great attitude about it all... ...I was set to do something nice for him too... but now his attitude is ruining it! At 10yo he's certainly old enough to understand the concept of consequences. He should also understand that a birthday party is a gift, not an entitlement; it has nothing to do with being "fair" among the dcI. It's simopy something nice you wanted to do for him, and that his ingratitude makes you NOT want to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in FL Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I tend to agree with Carol in Cal. But I have a 10 yo boy birthday party coming up and he wants a gaming party as well. And my son can have a hard time communicating and get emotional if we don't seem to be "getting' each other. When I read your post - I think about my son! At this age - the boys are all about video games - I know, I know - just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean we have to. However, it really is a big thing with these kids. And it would be a special, one time thing suitable for a birthday, get a wish for a day sort of thing. And kids like to plan their own birthday parties - they have ideas of what would be fun for them and their friends. I know his attitude sounded rotten, but It also sounds like he was disappointed and 10 year olds need help with how to repond to disappointment. They are selfish, emotional and need training and direction. What I would do - figure out how far I am willing to meet him with his idea. (We actually did choose the gaming party) Maybe you'll decide one special night will be a treat or maybe you'll decide have the friends but it will have to be a different activity. Then have a talk with ds about his attitude, better wayd for him to respond, etc. and if he's willing to start over with a better attitude, offer to invite the friends for a party but within the parameters you have already set. (i.e. no video games) But let him decide what he'd like to do instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Is it ok that at dd6's last birthday we rented the community center and invited a lot of adults and kids and played kickball? We don't usually do birthday parties (this was the one and only big one we've done) but it was worth it for me because it doubled as P.E.! I guess I feel like we favored his sister (who had a great attitude about it all) and I was set to do something nice for him too (to keep things somewhat "fair") but now his attitude is ruining it! I think he knows that he could have had the party as well but ruined it for himself. He may be sore and blaming you for a while but deep down inside he knows who's to blame. Why should you feel guilty if dd behaved much better and therefore had a party and a good time? Behavior has consequences - good or bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I know his attitude sounded rotten, but It also sounds like he was disappointed and 10 year olds need help with how to repond to disappointment. They are selfish, emotional and need training and direction. I think I agree w/ Carol & Brenda. I wouldn't take away the party after offering it, though I'd definitely address the attitude issues & work toward a resolution. What I would do is decide on a couple of options, then present those to him. Something like: you can have a party here at home w/ x-number of guests, or you can invite 2 friends to go out to the movies & dinner, or an outdoor picnic/rec center party w/ x-number of guests. He can pick any theme or no theme. He can help/pick a few of the specific details (food served, games or activities -- maybe a scavenger hunt would be fun?). There are plenty of other ideas that you could do for a 10yo guy. Is there any other theme he might like? Is there a go-kart place around? I know you mentioned a no-go on video games in your house, but how about allowing him invite a couple of friends out for pizza or to any place that has a couple of video games & you give each kid a few dollars for playing video games? That would pretty much limit their time/involvement on the games, while letting him do something he really loves on his b-day. We actually did something similar to that for our nephew when he was ten -- instead of a 'standard' gift, we told him we would take him out the following week for dinner at a place (Fuddrucker's) that was attached to a fairly large video game place & that we would give him a certain amount of $ to spend playing the video games after we ate. Of course, our kids (his cousins) were along too & we gave them some playing $ too. All the kids had fun watching each other play &/or teaming up on double-player games. It turned out really fun, but the time playing was definitely dictated by the $ limit. And, the kids really checked out all the games first, trying to make the wisest spending decisions they could, lol. They also just enjoyed watching others play some of the games. Doing something like that makes it more of a one-time thing (vs. having the games in your house). Just a few random thoughts... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 I really appreciate all the comments - both pro party and for ditching the party. Dh and I had a talk today and decided to go with no party. Well, I shouldn't say totally no party because we will celebrate with a family party. Ds was not upset by the news. I did promise him that we will have play dates soon with the boys he wanted to invite. And he said that was really all he wanted anyway! So I really think it worked out ok. I'm a little disappointed though - I really wanted my original hiking party! It would have been so cool. . .! As for the kitten as a present - despite his lack of capacity for parties, he has shown great maturity in taking care of our other pets. He has wanted a cat for a long time and since our cat went missing in Jan. (we think due to coyotes in the area) he has missed having a cat to snuggle with. We will give him a certificate for the cat. And then we will go with him to pick one out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I might be reading this differently than the others, but when it's been within my budget and approval, I've allowed my dc to choose how they'd like to celebrate their birthday. I would make suggestions, but ultimately go with what they wanted, unless I had to veto it for some reason. Now I wouldn't allow inviting the friends with the video games, either, but I don't think I'd view his dislike for the hiking or soccer party ideas to be ungrateful or an inability to appreciate a party. It just sounds like thos were very different from what he was envisioning. I'd probably ask him for any other ideas he might have, besides the video game one. If he has a bad attitude at that point, and really says that he won't accept anything else besides this one idea, then I might scrap the party. Otherwise, I'd keep working with him to come up with an idea that will be fun for everyone. Erica Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 He doesn't want a party. He wants to hang with friends and do something *he* really wants to do. If that thing is verboten, then it is verboten. I personally would tell him to come up with something different and talk to you about it, otherwise, have the family thing only, give the kitten, and don't wring your hands over it again. "make the problem his, not yours". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 LOL! :lol:The problem was - the hiking party was his idea (as well as the guest list) though I did give him some ideas that I had gotten here from the hive - until I said I was going to send the invites. The soccer party was his idea - until I said I was going to book the community center. The movies were a suggestion by me - vetoed by him not because he didn't want the movies but "just because". (I'm still a bit confused on that one.) The gaming party was his idea too - but the way he worded it really suggested that he wanted to invite the gaming systems more than the friends themselves (a problem we had when he had his game addiction problem - he used his friends to get at their games). It's not a indecision problem but a hyper-picky problem. And he tends to be a bit of a drama-king! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Glad you worked it out with him, Jean. My dd didn't want a party, either, this year. Next year, we'll do something fun. But her best friend didn't have one this year, either (her parents took her to see the Nutcracker instead), so I think that's why she didn't want one. Or maybe because they've been a little lame-o around here! Anyway, glad it was ok all around for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Is it ok that at dd6's last birthday we rented the community center and invited a lot of adults and kids and played kickball? We don't usually do birthday parties (this was the one and only big one we've done) but it was worth it for me because it doubled as P.E.! I guess I feel like we favored his sister (who had a great attitude about it all) and I was set to do something nice for him too (to keep things somewhat "fair") but now his attitude is ruining it! I was in a similar situation this year. Last fall we rented a pool and had a bunch of families over for a joint celebration of three parties. It was a total blast. I offered something similar to my oldest son this spring for his birthday. He just couldn't get excited about much of anything. So we just had an evening at home. It wasn't a punshiment for a bad attitude, just a reflection of his not taking an interest in planning anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lv2sing Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 What does your husband think? We have had differing bday celebration ideas over the years. My dh is good for my thinking when things get like this. Ronda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.