Jean in Newcastle Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 What does a healthy loving mother-son adult relationship look like? Does it change at all when the son gets married and if so, how, again in a healthy way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Well... I think relationships with our adult children are very different. We have to bite our tongue - A LOT. I have two college aged sons, so I cannot speak about married sons. I do have a married daughter. We still have some say over the boys' lives, because we pay the college bill, but we still have to tread lightly. Avoiding becoming the busy-body, micro-managing mom is really important...no matter how much they needed it when they were teens. You have to think about your goal as the parent of an adult child. What is important to me is to have a loving relationship with my kids where they want to come home to see me. So far, I think we've succeeded. We try very hard to think of ourselves as mentors and guides with our older kids (we have 4 adult kids). We suggest occasionally and we step in if they seem to be falling down ( our 22yr old son did last year with school). But, we don't give ultimatums or anything. It's more like a counselor and advocate. "Why are you having this trouble? Let's see if we can come up with a solution together?" is the way we approach. We probably would put our foot down if they wanted to change their major from something practical to something useless (like art history)... but that is because we pay the bill. Is this at all what you're talking about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Well, going the opposite of Wolf and MIL... Mom would encourage son to be independant. Mom would acknowledge and respect that son is an adult, capable of making his own decisions. Mom would let go of how SHE envisioned his future, and celebrate the present he's made for himself, rather than, "I'm a failure as a mother b/c you didn't become a pastor/lawyer/dr/astronaut/whatever she decided he should do for a living when he was a kid. Mom would respect his decision to become a husband and father, and realize that she's not the be all, end all in his life, and SHOULDN'T be. Mom wouldn't try and manipulate her son into allowing her to be completely dependant on him, in any way...emotional, financial, etc. Mom would listen and respect that her son has his own pov, and it doesn't HAVE to match up w/hers. Mom would accept and understand that disagreeing w/her is not a rejection of her as a person, simply a difference of opinion/perspective. Mom wouldn't expect her son to drop and run at every.little.whim. Mom would not only understand, but respect and support the fact that she is NOT a 3rd party in her son's marriage, there are only 2 ppl...son and wife. Mom would respect that the married cpl is a unit unto themselves, and she is not a part, and is not entitled to a part, in their decision making, whatever decisions there are....be it parenting, career, finances, location, house buying... Mom would understand that expressing her opinion/giving advice is one thing, but not to expect/demand that it be followed. Mom would not compete w/wife and/or children for attention. Mom would not spread lies about son and/or son's wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 DH has a healthy relationship with his mother. He generally calls her on the weekend to touch base and to visit. They enjoy talking about family, what's going on in each other's lives and (oddly) politics. We don't see her very often because she lives so far away, but when we do get together, DH and his mom enjoy drinking coffee and sharing family stories. They send each other birthday cards. I am in the transition phase with DS20. He is at college and has a girlfriend. I call or text him once in a while if it has been a few weeks since I have heard from him. He is in a challenging program at a tough school, so I still send him care packages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cedarmom Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 My son is in his second year of college, living at home. I'm trying to be, as the previous poster said, more of a couselor or advocate then the mom telling what to do. If he's doing something that's annoying me, I try to talk to him about it in the same manner I would to a friend. Biting my tonue often to not give advice when it's not asked for. Mor uh huh, I see, and nodding then saying well here's what you need to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 These are all good. Thank you. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 The son is allowed to grow up. He is allowed to have friends, without her smothering. The son is not used to replace the husband in any role. The mother's life does not revolve around the son's. Yes, my ds is only 17, however he is functioning in an adult capacity. He has a job, goes to community college and takes it seriously, helps around the house, and lets us know where he is going and where he will be. We are very hands off with him because we can be. I like to think we are set up to have a good relationship when he leaves home. My dh is the one that has had a harder time with this. We've had to talk a lot about not frustrating ds with being overly controlling - dh had a hard time letting go of calling the shots. It's all worked out now. We wouldn't do this with a 17-year old that was not in this place. They are all different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 What does a healthy loving mother-son adult relationship look like? Does it change at all when the son gets married and if so, how, again in a healthy way? I don't know. To be honest, I'm the wrong person to comment here. I'm quite fine with my son being a mama's boy. If I like his future serious girlfriend enough, I might let her cut the cord. :001_tt2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 When I married dh, my MIL wrote me a note that said, among other things, "I honor you as the most important woman in ___'s life." It didn't stand out to me at the time, but now that I'm a mother of sons, I know she was making a conscious break from her former role. It was a very considerate, wise thing to say (and then to live out). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Mostly just enjoying reading the replies, but one thing Imp said really struck a chord with me: "Mom should not compete with the wife...". Amen. Also, mom should not have specific expectations for how a dil should act or interact with the husband/son. No two relationships are alike and making dil feel like she's inadequate if she doesn't do it mom's way kinda stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 My MIL did a similar thing. About a year after dh and I got married, his mom and I were out shopping. I bought something silly, and I said, "I suppose you think I'm a fool to spend your son's money this way." She very firmly, but smilingly, said, "He's not my son--he's your husband!" She wasn't disowning him--just telling me the way it was. It meant a lot to me. I love this. It brought tears to my eyes. May I be this affirming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 DH has a healthy relationship with his mother. He generally calls her on the weekend to touch base and to visit. They enjoy talking about family, what's going on in each other's lives and (oddly) politics. We don't see her very often because she lives so far away, but when we do get together, DH and his mom enjoy drinking coffee and sharing family stories. They send each other birthday cards. My dh has a similar relationship with his Mom. He also helps her out around the house when we go there as she is widowed. She likes to tell her adult children her opinion about their choices and occasionally give lectures but he is great about "calling" her on it and she is great about respecting the boundary. I think a healthy relationship is not about never crossing certain lines but more about being able to communicate when lines are crossed and accepting other folks lines. A healthy relationship is about communication and wanting what's best for each other and the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I have two married sons, who I believe would say we have a close relationship. Once they were married, I made sure they and my dil's knew that I acknowledged they were the "first" in my son's lives now. I also make sure my actions back up those words. I don't butt in with unsolicited advice, but because of this I think, they (sons and dils) ask my advice regularly. I talk to my oldest son about every other day. He calls me to chat on his long ride home from work. My other son is overseas. I talk/ text back and forth with dils multiple times a day. I have told my dils many times how perfect they are for my boys, and treat them like I would a grown daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I think the biggest thing in healthy mother son relationships, is for the mother to be healthy in and of herself. She needs her own identity, life, and interests. Her son cannot be the center of her universe. I have watched my mother interact with my younger brother, and I can only hope to have that sort of relationship with my sons. She has always been there for him, allowed him to talk when he wants, brags on him publicly for who he is...not what he does, and invests and supports in his dreams for his life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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