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At my wits end.


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I am totally at my wits end with my kids today. (Ages 7-12, the youngest isn't a problem yet, ;))

 

I am so sick of the disrespect and fighting.

 

I don't even feel like typing right now. But I have to since I want your input.

 

 

My boys fight non stop. No exaggeration, non-stop over eve.ry.thing. Everything. Everything and anything you can imagine.

 

My 12 year old is so incredibly negative and disrespectful. I am not kidding, when I say the sky is such a pretty blue today, he responds looks green to me. :001_huh: (that is just a simple example and not even worth mentioning normally BUT...)

 

He argues with me when I ask him to do his chores, school, help around the house etc He makes fun of his brothers and says he is just joking. He will walk into the room when his brothers are making a craft and tell them it is wrong or looks silly. When I call him on it he tells me he is just trying to let them know so they do better. I could go on and on and I know I am not explaining myself very well.

 

He pouts, he cries, he stomps.

 

I am so frustrated and don't know what to even do with them anymore.

 

We are christian so if you have input in that regard I would love to hear that too. (FTR, I want input from anyone that can help!)

 

I need some good consequences while I try to work on the underlying character issues.

 

Ok, ladies, Bring it.

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He's 12? Oh, we should have tagged all those threads about 12-14yo boys so you could find them easily.

 

One day a bunch of us were going through this at the same time and decided to send them all to shovel pony poop for Remudamom who would horse-whip them when they got out of line.

 

Am I helping yet? :grouphug:

 

Consequences for these half-man/half-boy critters: Muscle pain and movement. Have him run laps around the house and do push-ups. Have him move the woodpile from the front yard to the backyard in 10 minutes. Anything to give that testosterone a place to go.

 

I could go on all day because (#1) I think about this topic a lot and (#2) I am so in the trenches, as well, with four boys ages 7-15. Sometimes I win and sometimes it feels like they win, so I have not arrived.

 

But I have to make supper, so I'll be back later.

 

Just know that he can learn to treat you with respect even if he's totally faking it, you don't have to live with all that backtalk and sibling-tormenting, and above all

 

You Are Not Alone.

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Mine is 14 and is just barely starting to come out of it - there is hope.

 

He goes through phases of nice, respectful to snarky, rude, mean, disrespectful.

 

I refuse to engage him now. I tomato stake him (which doesn't take long to fix the behaviour in the short term). I do my best to always speak kindly. I insist he re-word his comments so that they are not hurtful, or he apologizes for what he said. Otherwise he doesn't go anywhere - and that hurts him during wrestling season!

 

When he is physically active, working and doing realy work, the difference is amazing! If you can find the work for him, go for it.

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When it's chronic issues and bad attitude, I've learned to look at:

 

1. Routine. Often I've let the routine (and my follow up on things like chores) slack.

 

2. Too much screen time for at least one family member.

 

3. Nutrition.

 

4. Parental depression.

 

5. Parental laxity - I let too much go, act too little and too late.

 

6. Not enough quality connection, playful, fun time. (Not passive tv/entertainment)

 

A good (and Christian) book on the topic is "How to Stop Complaining, Whining, and Bad Attitude in You and Your Kids" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

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This is what I would do. Keep in mind I don't know your kid.

 

Don't argue back. The moment you do, you've lost control. When he opens his mouth to argue the point (whatever it is) give him The Look, count to 5, restate your order (don't phrase things in a question such as "Will you please pick up your shoes now. That gives him the opportunity to say, "No.")

 

If he keeps arguing but complies, let it go. That may be his way.

 

If he keeps arguing and does not comply give him a consequence. Stay calm. Don't lose your temper. Don't argue with him. Give him a chance to know that if he does not comply immediately there will be another consequence.

 

If you need to, calmly go get a piece of paper and a pen. While he is trying to argue with you just start making a list of consequences, each time giving him an opportunity to comply.

 

ETA: Make sure you do offer opportunities for questions to be answered. Something like, " Are you able to help me in 10 minutes." Something that isn't urgent and optional for him. He will keep his dignity by both being able to say no and by doing what he is told.

 

Follow through with the consequence so he knows you mean business.

 

I also agree with Tibby. A tired child is to tired to argue. Make sure there is lots of physical activities and work so he can be productive and not have too much time to argue with his sibs.

Edited by Parrothead
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When it's chronic issues and bad attitude, I've learned to look at:

 

1. Routine. Often I've let the routine (and my follow up on things like chores) slack.

 

2. Too much screen time for at least one family member.

 

3. Nutrition.

 

4. Parental depression.

 

5. Parental laxity - I let too much go, act too little and too late.

 

6. Not enough quality connection, playful, fun time. (Not passive tv/entertainment)

 

A good (and Christian) book on the topic is "How to Stop Complaining, Whining, and Bad Attitude in You and Your Kids" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

 

These 3 are huge triggers for my 14 year old - too much tv and a need for quality time are biggest things for him

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When it's chronic issues and bad attitude, I've learned to look at:

 

1. Routine. Often I've let the routine (and my follow up on things like chores) slack.

 

2. Too much screen time for at least one family member.

 

3. Nutrition.

 

4. Parental depression.

 

5. Parental laxity - I let too much go, act too little and too late.

 

6. Not enough quality connection, playful, fun time. (Not passive tv/entertainment)

 

A good (and Christian) book on the topic is "How to Stop Complaining, Whining, and Bad Attitude in You and Your Kids" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

 

Yes, yes, yes... Great advice! I will look that book up too! Thanks.

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This is what I would do. Keep in mind I don't know your kid.

 

Don't argue back. The moment you do, you've lost control. When he opens his mouth to argue the point (whatever it is) give him The Look, count to 5, restate your order (don't phrase things in a question such as "Will you please pick up your shoes now. That gives him the opportunity to say, "No.")

 

If he keeps arguing but complies, let it go. That may be his way.

 

If he keeps arguing and does not comply give him a consequence. Stay calm. Don't lose your temper. Don't argue with him. Give him a chance to know that if he does not comply immediately there will be another consequence.

 

If you need to, calmly go get a piece of paper and a pen. While he is trying to argue with you just start making a list of consequences, each time giving him an opportunity to comply.

 

ETA: Make sure you do offer opportunities for questions to be answered. Something like, " Are you able to help me in 10 minutes." Something that isn't urgent and optional for him. He will keep his dignity by both being able to say no and by doing what he is told.

 

Follow through with the consequence so he knows you mean business.

 

I also agree with Tibby. A tired child is to tired to argue. Make sure there is lots of physical activities and work so he can be productive and not have too much time to argue with his sibs.

 

Also, great advice! I know they need more activity and have not been getting it. I tend to ask him to do stuff and I realize in his mind I am giving him an option when in reality, its not an option.

 

I do argue with him too. Sigh. Lots to work on!!

 

Thanks. :001_smile:

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On the faith side of things, pray! God does not like to leave you hanging! :) Everytime I have faced an ARGHHH moment, he provides the answers!

 

All of my children professed a confession of faith around 8-10 (luckily before all the angst set in! :tongue_smilie:) This helps immensely because then I can help guide them from a 'responsibility to your faith' perspective rather than just do it b/c I said so and it's the right thing to do. If it's all happening in front of all of them and they know it's happening...then it needs to be a family sit down.

We (dh and I) would ask the kids to come and sit down we need to have a discussion. We talk about the sacrifices Christ made for us, the challenges he faced, really dig in deep to one or two of the instances where He had EVERY right to throw a tantrum, become upset, but acted out of love and responsibly. Then we take it to the cross. (This always gets me teary) but I ask them, do they truly know how hard it was for Him to fulfill the price? The least we can do is to honor this act with our actions/words/heart....then we go into behavior that is not honoring (actions/words/heart) and we talk through them.

We admit where Dad and I have failed...we point out instances where we have failed to meet that goal of honoring God with our actions...it hurts us to know but we simply ask for forgiveness and guidance to put us back on the path He has for us. Not one of us is without sin, but our love for you kids is so deep and God has blessed us with a history to draw from...we can not love you and allow you to continue acting in this way.

It's tough, we all have times where we must change an action to truly honor God...we don't have to stop all of them at once (gee, wouldn't that be nice!) but we can each tackle one this week and ask each of your siblings, your Dad and I to pray specifically for help in that area...let's give God a chance to help us where we have failed.

Then discuss with them what each of them can work on this week. The instant you catch them 'failing' at it...take them aside lovingly and pray with them...we've had all three kids pray with each other at times like these...we have yet to have a week of these types where we have not seen God improve us and help us reach a more honoring action.

And by all means when you see improvement (you have to be on the lookout b/c sometimes it's so nice to have peace that you forget how much work goes in to getting it!) make sure you hug and praise them and tell them how proud you are of them for trying...do that even when they fail...

Where two or more are gathered in my name...it never fails!

 

I don't look at these moments as much frustration anymore as I do a wonderful opportunity to reveal God's amazing Hand in every aspect of our lives..He honors us for coming to Him and trusting that we need Him!

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