AP Language and Comp essay-Grade please?

[Guest Gitel]

Hello. I have a 16 year old son who is taking AP English Language (11th grade) thru the local school. He seems to be doing well but I am wondering if the grading is on target. I would hate for him to find out on the test that he was led astray, we still have time to work on essay writing. By the way this is not an essay that was written under a time constraint. It is an essay that was assigned to compare two works and was done as a homework assignment. It is pretty long.

 

Anyway, would you tell me what number grade you think it deserves. Comments on problems or things he could do better would also be appreciated. (for example not end 3 of his paragraphs with the word "powerful" ;) )

 

Thank you in advance.

 

Prompt: Compare the Declaration of Independence with MLK I have a Dream Speech in terms of the level of language, style and content. Are they equally powerful and resonant? Cite specific passages to illustrate your responses.

 

Response:

 

 

Historical Parallels: The Declaration of Independence and “I Have a Dreamâ€

 

The Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream†speech were two of the “greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation,†(King 411). Deriving his argument from Enlightenment thinkers such as John Locke, Jefferson, in the Declaration, set forth some of the most famous phrases in our nation’s history. Similarly, Martin Luther King drew on phrases from the works of those who had influenced him, such as the Declaration and Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Although the level and type of language varies between the Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream†speech and, at the time, each resonated with people differently, their similar style and content cause the texts to be equally powerful.

 

The congruencies in the authors’ style, content, and structure make the texts equally powerful because both texts effect equal justification of their thesis through these components. For example, as he lists wrongs done by the king, Jefferson anaphorically makes use of the phrase “he has†repeatedly and conjoins it with a descriptive verb, thus clearly, concisely, and correctly proving his thesis (Jefferson 408-9). This parallels King’s use of anaphora in the phrase “I have a dream,†as he lists his desires for racial equality, demonstrating the power of his argument. As a build up to the anaphoric section, both authors introduce their topic prior thesis statement, which they place directly before that section. In doing so, both authors quickly reveal their style and tone, ensuring that the reader is utterly aware of the purpose of the piece. Furthermore, authors’ style discloses that they were wholly unsatisfied with the world they lived in. For example, phrases like “the Negro is…sadly crippled†and “desolate valley of segregation†(King 411-2) in King’s speech parallel Jefferson’s lamentations of “absolute Despotism†and his desire for “future security†(Jefferson 407-8), all of which emphasize the inherent power of their argumentative skills. Since neither text is a work of fiction there is no plot, yet there is, to some extent, a denouement—a final unraveling of the author’s purpose. Throughout both pieces, it is clear that both men wish to reject “gradualism†and any temporization as well as eschew all pragmatic approaches to their respective dilemmas and free themselves and their compatriots from oppression. The inherent similarity in the content and purpose is particularly apparent in King’s allusions to the Declaration, especially in the phrase “we hold these truths to be self-evident†found in King’s thesis statement (King 413). Another clear parallel part of their content and purpose is when they advocate for solidarity, which is clear in the diction of the phrases “join hands†(King 414), “United Colonies,†and “political connections†(Jefferson 410). The arguments of both men are quite linear and never truly ramify, which helps the audience to truly focus on the information they are promulgating and thus, on the whole, the arguments are equally tenable and powerful.

 

Though the similarities between the pieces plainly highlight the equality in power between the two pieces, the disparities between the texts also emphasize their comparable power. One of the most obvious differences between the two texts is the audience to which the authors direct each piece. Written by Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence was read first by other members of the Second Continental Congress in 1776, who were, on the whole, well-educated and, to some extent, “demigods.†Its other audience was the members British Government, who were at least as educated. In contrast, King’s speech was addressed to a conglomerate of over two hundred thousand ordinary people who appropriately gathered in front of the Lincoln Memorial as part of the March on Washington during the Civil Rights Movement. Because their audiences differed, particularly in education, their level of language naturally differed as well. More importantly, however, the type of language differs primarily because King’s language is much more passionate than Jefferson’s. Jefferson’s logic comes through in his language and his use of words like “self-evident,†“Facts,†and “dictate,†and his use of the word “therefore†to transition into the final part of his conclusion demonstrate his syllogistic reasoning and help to emphasize his inductive evidence (Jefferson 407-9). On the other hand, King’s language is much more emotional and he occasionally uses series of passionate rhetorical tropes with parallel structure like “...tranquilizing drug of gradualism…desolate valley of segregation…sunlit path of racial justice…quicksands of racial injustice…solid rock of brotherhood...†to lend pathos to the piece and spur the audience to action (King 412). Though their level of resonance was similar, King’s speech resonated with the emotional self, while the Declaration resonated with the logical self. Generally, difference in language caused this disparity; however, it is important to note that despite this difference, the timeline of events surrounding the reading of each text were quite parallel. Both texts came in the midst of tense protest of oppression: the American colonists in 1776 were transitioning from protest and boycotting of the British, to fighting them and the Civil Rights Movement was escalating around the time of King’s deliverance of the speech. Following each came another document that solidified the temperament of each of period of protest: the Constitution in 1783 and the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Despite differences in the type of resonance and language in the texts, because the reactions to both texts were similar and their language helped to express their thoughts effectively and concisely the texts are equally powerful.

 

Clearly, regardless of the disparities between the Declaration of Independence and King’s speech, their use of level of language, style, content, and resonance are appropriate for each context and effect equally powerful arguments. The inherent similarity in purpose drove King’s speech forward, and despite a more passionate approach, King knew his speech would be on par with one of the greatest documents in our nation’s history, the Declaration of Independence

Edited February 2, 2012 by Gitel

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm afraid that I don't have the time to go over it carefully but the first thing that struck me was that he repeats the phrase "equally powerful" over and over.

 

I never knew that the members of the Second Continental Congress were demigods. . .

 

You asked for a number score. Since I don't know the rubric that his school uses, I don't know how to give him one.

[Guest Gitel]

Thank you Jean. This is helpful.

 

I didn't catch the "equally powerful" over usage before but now it is jumping out at me--of course I think it is jumping out because it is in the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph. He doesn't actually use the term "equally powerful" again until the last sentence of the third paragraph and the first sentence of the last paragraph. I imagine that if he had used it more spaced out it would not be so evident. Still--something he needs to be aware of.

 

I believe his use of the word "demigod" would not be mythological (of course) but rather meaning someone who is highly honored or revered or a person who rules or guides others (demigod definition)

 

editing to add: My son pointed out that Thomas Jefferson himself charachterized the 55 men who showed up in Philadelphia to craft the constitution as "demigods" ( As Thomas Jefferson in Paris wrote to John Adams in London, "It really is an assembly of demigods." )

 

As for the rubric, I'm not sure that there is one. Would it help to know that he got a 93 on this essay? My fear is that this teacher is being too generous, but I have been accused (in a nice way) of expecting too much from my son, so I am totally confused.

 

I would love to hear more ladies. I realize that it is long.

Edited February 3, 2012 by Gitel

[Jean in Newcastle]

It just so happened that tonight dh was reading aloud to me from a book on the writers of the constitution and he quoted Jefferson referring to the men with him as demigods! I think though, that it would have been better if he had put the word in context as a quote of Jefferson's. So something like. . . ". . . to some extent, "demigods" as Jefferson himself referred to them."

[at the beach]

Prompt: Compare the Declaration of Independence with MLK I have a Dream Speech in terms of the level of language, style and content. Are they equally powerful and resonant? Cite specific passages to illustrate your responses.

 

Response:

 

 

Historical Parallels: The Declaration of Independence and “I Have a Dreamâ€

 

The Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream†speech were two of the “greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation,†(King 411). Deriving his argument from Enlightenment thinkers such as John Locke, Jefferson, in the Declaration, set forth some of the most famous phrases in our nation’s history. Similarly, Martin Luther King drew on phrases from the works of those who had influenced him, such as the Declaration and Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Although the level and type of language varies between the Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream†speech, "and" eliminate the and, at the time, each resonated with people differently, their similar style and content cause the texts to be "make them" would be more succinct equally powerful.

 

The congruencies in the authors’ style, content, and structure make the texts equally powerful because both texts effect equal justification of their thesis through these components. For example, as he lists wrongs done by the king, Jefferson anaphorically makes use of the phrase “he has†repeatedly and conjoins it with a descriptive verb, thus clearly, concisely, and correctly proving his thesis (Jefferson 408-9). This parallels King’s use of anaphora in the phrase “I have a dream,†as he lists his desires for racial equality, demonstrating the power of his argument. As a build up to the anaphoric section, both authors introduce their topic prior thesis statement, which they place directly before that sectionThis sentence doesn't seem clear to me. . In doing so, both authors quickly reveal their style and tone, ensuring that the reader is utterly aware of the purpose of the piece. Furthermore, the authors’ style discloses that they were wholly unsatisfied with the world they lived in. For example, phrases like “the Negro is…sadly crippled†and “desolate valley of segregation†(King 411-2) in King’s speech parallel Jefferson’s lamentations of “absolute Despotism†and his desire for “future security†(Jefferson 407-8), "all of which" I don't think he needs all of which here, it sounds cleaner w/o to meemphasize the inherent power of their argumentative skills. Since neither text is a work of fiction there is no plot, yet there is, to some extent, a denouement—a final unraveling of the author’s purpose very nice addition. Throughout both pieces, it is clear he can eliminate "it is clear" and "that" that both men wish to reject “gradualism†and any temporization as well as eschew all pragmatic approaches to their respective dilemmas, thus, and freefreeing themselves and their compatriots from oppressionIt seems like a stronger sentence to me with these minor changes. What do you think?. The inherent similarity in the content and purpose is particularly apparent in King’s allusions to the Declaration, especially in the phrase “we hold these truths to be self-evident†found in King’s thesis statement (King 413). Another clear parallel part of their content and purpose is when they advocate for solidarity, which is clear in the diction of the phrases “join hands†(King 414), “United Colonies,†and “political connections†(Jefferson 410). Jefferson and King's arguments are both linear and never truly ramify, which helps the audience focus on the information they are...The arguments of both men are quite linear and never truly ramify, which helps the audience to trulyhe can eliminate "to truly" focus on the information they are promulgating and thus, on the whole Does he need "on the whole?", the arguments are equally tenable and powerful.

 

Though the similarities between the pieces plainly highlight the equality in power between the two piecesHe used "the pieces" and "two pieces" He really doesn't need the first "the pieces." Though the similarities plainly highlight the equality in power between the documents, the disparities..., the disparities between the texts also emphasize their comparable powerOkay, well, when he starts out with though, it should follow that he is going to contrast something, but he is comparing something that is similar, right? I realize he's going from similarities to disparities, but he is saying both the similarities and the disparities emphasize the comparative power of the two documents, right? So, I would think starting with a "Just as" would make more sense or something like that.. One of the most obvious differences between the two texts is the intended audience. to which the authors direct each piece. Written by Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence was read first by other members of the Second Continental Congress in 1776, who were, on the whole, well-educated and, to some extent, “demigods.†Its other audience was the members British Government, who were at least as educated. In contrast, King’s speech washe can eliminate "was" here addressed to he can eliminate "to" a conglomerate of over two hundred thousand ordinary people who appropriately gathered in front of the Lincoln Memorial as part of the March on Washington during the Civil Rights Movement. Because their audiences differed, particularly in education, their level of language naturally differed as well. More importantly, however, the type of language differs primarily because King’s language is much more passionate than Jefferson’s. Jefferson’s logic comes through in his language and his use of words like “self-evident,†“Facts,†and “dictate,†and his use of the word “therefore†to transition into the final part of his conclusion demonstrate his syllogistic reasoning and help to emphasize his inductive evidence (Jefferson 407-9). On the other hand, King’s language is much more emotional and he occasionally uses series of passionate rhetorical tropes with parallel structure like “...tranquilizing drug of gradualism…desolate valley of segregation…sunlit path of racial justice…quicksands of racial injustice…solid rock of brotherhood...†to lend pathos to the piece and spur the audience to action (King 412). Though their level of resonance was similar, King’s speech resonated with the emotional self, while the Declaration resonated with the logical self. Generally, difference in language caused this disparity; however, it is important to note that despite this difference, the timeline of events surrounding the reading of each text were quite parallel. Both texts came in the midst of tense protest of oppression: the American colonists in 1776 were transitioning from protest and boycotting of the British,eliminate this comma to fighting them,comma here and the Civil Rights Movement was escalating around the time of King’s deliverance of the speech. Following each came another document that solidified the temperament of each of period of protest:The first part of this sentence before the colon is confusing to me. Focus on clarity. the Constitution in 1783 and the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Despite differences in "the type of" eliminateresonance and language, "in the texts" also eliminate, "because" eliminate the reactions to both texts were similar and their language helped to express their thoughts effectively and concisely. I would end it here. Thus,the texts are equally powerful.

 

Clearly eliminate "clearly", regardless of the disparities between the Declaration of Independence and King’s speech, their use of level of language, style, content, and resonance are appropriate for each context and effect equally powerful arguments. The inherent similarity in purpose drove King’s speech forward, and despite a more passionate approach, King knew Well, I'm not sure we know what "King knew" about his speech or did we? his speech would be on par with one of the greatest documents in our nation’s history, the Declaration of Independence

 

I'd give it an "A," too. It's hard to type in these boxes, so I hope my comments make sense above. I don't like to change someone's writing, but I think the suggestions I make are mostly to illustrate my following points:

 

1) I'd suggest that he strive for clarity, eliminating needless words. This takes practice. But let me ask, are they instructed to eliminate needless words? It may seem that the piece will be weaker when eliminating things like "clearly," "truly," etc. but I don't think that's typically the case.

 

2) Also, strive for more balance between active and passive voice--use active voice more frequently.

 

He does a good job writing complex sentences, but sometimes the complexity goes a bit too far, leaving the reader in a struggle to follow what he is saying. Or maybe I am just dense.:tongue_smilie: Overall, though, nicely done.:001_smile:

[Guest Gitel]

I'd give it an "A," too. It's hard to type in these boxes, so I hope my comments make sense above. I don't like to change someone's writing, but I think the suggestions I make are mostly to illustrate my following points:

 

1) I'd suggest that he strive for clarity, eliminating needless words. This takes practice. But let me ask, are they instructed to eliminate needless words? It may seem that the piece will be weaker when eliminating things like "clearly," "truly," etc. but I don't think that's typically the case.

 

2) Also, strive for more balance between active and passive voice--use active voice more frequently.

 

He does a good job writing complex sentences, but sometimes the complexity goes a bit too far, leaving the reader in a struggle to follow what he is saying. Or maybe I am just dense.:tongue_smilie: Overall, though, nicely done.:001_smile:

 

Thanks Violet, that was EXACTLY what I needed to see. None of it was what the teacher picked up on. Her stuff was more about how he needs to elaborate a bit more on his thoughts.

 

I agree that he can be quite wordy and I especially agree that sometimes his sentences make you go:willy_nilly: I usually attribute it to being over 50 and not having the ability to hold a thought in my head anymore. :D He has been called on the active/passive voice issue a bit in the past but not at all this time.

 

I guess that her grade seems fair enough and maybe I need to trust that all is well.

 

Want to read his 10 page paper??? JK!

[In The Great White North]

How closely do the graders on the AP Lit test expect the essay to follow the 5 paragraph format?

[MomsintheGarden]

How closely do the graders on the AP Lit test expect the essay to follow the 5 paragraph format?

 

The most important thing on the essay responses is whether or not the student effectively answers the prompt. A thorough understanding of the passage, well-developed vocabulary, and mature sentence style are probably next. I have a feeling that the exam readers are probably sick of the 5 paragraph format (and Hamlet), but it will get the job done if the prompt is answered fully and thoughtfully.

 

Past free response questions along with actual student responses (with high, medium, and low scoring essays) and critiques are available here:

 

http://apcentral.collegeboard.com/apc/members/exam/exam_questions/2002.html?affiliateId=APSamp&bannerId=enli

 

It is well worth the time it takes to download and study these. I wish responses and critiques were available for 2011. Maybe the CB will post them sometime.

 

HTH,

GardenMom