Aspie son never wants to go anywhere

[DawnM]

He is a homebody. He likes a very small group of people and is willing to venture out willingly if those particular people will be there.

 

Otherwise, he begs to stay home.

 

Yesterday we went to the museum to see the Mummy exhibit. He threw a bit a of a fit because there weren't going to be other people to meet us and he didn't want to go.

 

Tonight DH's work is taking him out to dinner and giving him 4 box seat tickets to the local hockey game. DS is begging not to go.

 

Just curious if any of the rest of you deal with this with an Aspie who really wants to just be at home all the time. Do you just make him/her go anyway?

 

Dawn

[Tokyomarie]

Is this your 14yo?

 

My middle child never got a diagnosis. These days I tend to not think of her as an Aspie because she really doesn't exhibit a lot of the traits at this time, but when she was a young adolescent she might have actually gotten a diagnosis had we gone for an evaluation. She has had symptoms of social anxiety which were very difficult to deal with from age 12-16yo. There is something about all the hormones of puberty that seems to make things worse for kids who struggle with the social side of life.

 

My rules for social engagements got pretty simple during that time frame:

 

1) if it was school-related, it was non-negotiable (& I sometimes defined school-related rather loosely!)

2) if it was an special event meant for the whole family, it was non-negotiable- ie she couldn't stay home alone & a parent wasn't going to miss the event just for her

3) if it was a visit to extended family, she had to go, but she could hide out in a room by herself if need be

 

I would note that we kept the special outings, such as sight-seeing, sporting events, etc to a relative minimum during those years. And I didn't make her go to most events that were centered around parents' relationships with other adults, even if they included children & teens.

 

If I decided it was a non-negotiable, it had to fit into one of the three categories above and I defined it as such to her. After some time of handling it this way, she got less resistant to going. She might grumble but not put up a major roadbock- like trying to refuse to get in the car.

[choirfarm]

What worked for me:

 

I needed to warn my child ahead of time, several days if at all possible. I made sure he knew it was non-negotiable. He normally had a good time.

What didn't work was for us to say, "Let's go.. now.." Never worked. When he was in elementary school, he would cry but then come back from the event saying he had a great time!! The hardest age was 13/14...partially because of hormones. We had some serious blow-ups at that age. I try to let him have some choice, give him plenty of warning, but still make him do some things. This child is a junior and doing well with cc classes this year. He will never be a social butterfly, but he has improved greatly!!!

[DawnM]

I would never tell him to get in the car now without warning. Gracious, I don't even want to think about that one.

 

However, tonight's event was only a 24 hour warning only because DH just found out there were 3 extra tickets and they offered them to him to bring his kids.

 

Yesterday we went to the museum. He didn't want to do that either, but I gave him a full 6 days' notice and reminded him daily. He griped each time.

 

Like your son, he normally has a good time once there, but getting him there is the hardest part.

 

Dh told him last night that he WAS going! My 12 year old is not Aspie but if the 14 year old doesn't have to go, he typically will pipe up with, "I don't want to go either." although 12 year old will ALWAYS go if others are there. He is much more social.

 

Dawn

[TheHomeScientist]

Is it important for some reason that he go? If not, why force him?

 

I'm borderline Asperger's, and even at 58 years old I prefer not to leave the house unless there's good reason. I work at home, and often go weeks without leaving the house other than to walk the dog. When I was a teenager, my parents almost never forced me to go somewhere against my will, and I was happy that way. Of course, I did attend public school and had close friends that I visited frequently and that visited me.

 

I'm perfectly sociable with people I know well, but I really prefer not to be around strangers, particularly large groups of them. Attending sporting events and the like is pure torture for me. Like your son, if I do go out, I prefer it to be something like meeting friends for dinner or a small-group activity. Small groups of people I know and like are fine, and I can "fake it" in larger groups if I have to, but I really prefer not to.

 

I can empathize with your son's feelings about attending a hockey game, and I'd encourage you not to force him to go unless there's a good reason to do so.

[dkpalaska]

It is a fine line to walk, isn't it, between being together/doing things together as a family, and accepting the personal preferences of each individual member?

 

Looking back, I'm pretty sure I would get an Asperger's diagnosis in today's world. I was at least borderline growing up. Like The Home Scientist, I'd rather be home than anywhere (and specifically NEED periodic time alone), and have been that way all my life. I also intensely dislike big and/or loud impersonal group gatherings/events. (Personally, I think it is a gift to not need external stimulation, but to be content with and in yourself. I've long half-joked that I have the perfect makings of a hermit.) So I sympathize with your son, for what that is worth.

 

That said, we have to gradually learn coping skills for attending "gotta gos". I like Tokyomarie's definitions: when things are "family rules" then that and the "warn ahead of time" tactic work OK for my HFA ds. He still complains a lot, but oh well. I'll give him some time to complain, then will eventually tell him that I know his opinion and he is not allowed to repeat it (part of social skills, knowing when you need to can it), although he can go into his room and vent to himself all he wants; and I'll remind him of his coping skills, etc. We also limit "unusual" events/outings to about once every month or two (concerts, museum, field trips, etc.). Of course, that's also my preference as the would-be hermit, but I think the "need" to get kids out of the house and expose them to every experience under the sun can be way over-emphasized.

 

But we make clear to all three of our kids through words and actions that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone or be at home: people have different preferences and needs (introvert vs. extrovert, etc.). We do need to be able to cope with things that are not our preferences, though, and that takes practice and skill-building.

 

So, :grouphug:, so much of this is such a struggle. Wish I had a slick answer, but you are not alone. Good luck with walking the line for your family. I hope everything went OK with the hockey game.

[DawnM]

Well, DH said he has to go. His work paid for them and for dinner in advance, so it will reflect badly on DH if he doesn't take him. And 12 year old wont' want to go if 14 year old doesn't have to. So that would be two tickets.

 

DH did this before discussing with me and DH is a great guy, but doesn't really get the whole Asperger thing sometimes and thinks it is good for him to get out get off the electronics, etc....and actually, if I gave ds the option of staying home and having NO electronics vs going, he would probably opt to go now that I think about it.

 

However, I DO see that this is not a necessity. So far, he hasn't made a fuss today about it. And last time he went he said he had a good time AFTERWARDS.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

 

Is it important for some reason that he go? If not, why force him?

 

I'm borderline Asperger's, and even at 58 years old I prefer not to leave the house unless there's good reason. I work at home, and often go weeks without leaving the house other than to walk the dog. When I was a teenager, my parents almost never forced me to go somewhere against my will, and I was happy that way. Of course, I did attend public school and had close friends that I visited frequently and that visited me.

 

I'm perfectly sociable with people I know well, but I really prefer not to be around strangers, particularly large groups of them. Attending sporting events and the like is pure torture for me. Like your son, if I do go out, I prefer it to be something like meeting friends for dinner or a small-group activity. Small groups of people I know and like are fine, and I can "fake it" in larger groups if I have to, but I really prefer not to.

 

I can empathize with your son's feelings about attending a hockey game, and I'd encourage you not to force him to go unless there's a good reason to do so.

[Critterfixer]

Hockey games are very high intensity events with a lot of noise, a lot of smells and a crush of people. I could understand the discomfort.

One thing I've heard talked about for older children is to make sure they have in mind what to do when things are overwhelming. It helps me to know that I could wear ear-plugs or cover my ears to shut out the noise. If I need a moment to recover, I like to make a note of reasonably quiet areas in the halls where I can take a moment to just center myself. (During active play the halls are almost empty--it's sometimes a good time for me to get up and walk a bit.)

For the smells I've been known to take a little bit of Vicks with me so that I can apply that to mask odors that are hard for me to handle. (Like people smells.) I don't tend to be bothered by visual things, but sometimes sunglasses can tone the white light down and make things more bearable.

Sometimes setting a time limit for things I can't stand is important. I hate to go shopping. So I have a game plan when I enter the store, I try to go at less busy hours, and I try to make sure I only go on certain days. So it becomes a routine and I can handle it.

I even have places I go and things I do at work to help when I feel like I'm coming apart.

Having a plan (and sometimes a plan B) seems to be the best way for me to handle the things I just don't like to do because of sensory things.

[rafiki]

.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

my ds 9 would rather stay home and play video games than just about anything.....

[Critterfixer]

For the record, I actually LIKE going to hockey games--but not the NHL kind as much. Too noisy, and hard to watch. But we used to have an ECHL team that played in the capital, so I would go with my sister, and use some of the things I talked about so that I could focus on enjoying the game. I ran through my hockey obsession in a few years, and am now just content to see a game now and then. But for a while, hockey was my unrivaled passion.

 

Just saying that Aspies will avoid things that they LOVE, just to avoid sensory overload. It's not just about being a home-body. So finding ways to deal with the discomfort is important so that a person won't miss out on the things he really loves just to avoid a sensory overload.

[DawnM]

Ok. I did get him off and he seemed fine when I got him up to the train (Dh took the train down from his work to pick the kids up.)

 

He was happy to learn they were going out for pizza too.

 

They do have box seats of some sort, so they aren't with the general crowd.

 

I guess I will see later how he does. Dh did text me to say that everything was going fine so far.

 

Dawn

[Joyofsixreboot]

my ds 9 would rather stay home and play video games than just about anything.....

 

:iagree: except mine is 16

[choirfarm]

What are your long term goals and or his long term goals?? My boy is really smart.. college is in his future. So my whole goal has been to get him to where he can function on his own away from me and not spend all the time in his room, alone.. So.. if a professor changes the syllabus at the last minute or some other last minute thing happens, it will not rock his world.

 

So for me, I have been walking a tightrope between letting him have some say and making some things non-negotiable and even last minute if possible.. Yes, my dh doesn't get this either and doesn't think he is Aspie.

 

What is working really well for me is dual credit through community college. I started talking to him about it at the beginning of 10th grade.. I REALLY want you to do Spanish at the cc. That way you get your high school credit and then you don't have to take it at your "real" college.. His first reaction was NOT positive.. But I talked it up the whole year and he grudgingly decided that would be a good idea. So in August before the class started, we went to the campus and we bought his books, got his parking sticker and ID. We then walked to his classes ( He took racquetball as well.) I had to drive him for about 2 weeks until he got his driver's liscence. Then he drove himself.. I don't think he slept before the first day of class. He was incredibly nervous.. and I think it was good that I was still driving him that week. But once he went, he realized..HEY, I can do this!! He never made any grade below 96 in that class..

 

So he is now in his 2nd semester. He got his id all on his own and will get his car sticker next year as well. On the first day of class, he went up to his prof and talked to her about possible conflicts between the final exam and his AP exams he is going to be taking.. He did this on his own!!!! But you can tell that this is his tendency to make sure everything is in order and he has little details worked out. But hey, he talked to an adult all on his own.

 

He has really developed confidence this year. He is not a social butterfly, never will be. But I can text him to grab something at the store for me after his dual credit class and it doesn't rock his world. His brother and another 9th grader are taking the classes with him and he is a little mother hen to that 9th grader and makes sure his mother is there or the mom texts him and has him take him home..

 

CC is doing what I want it to do. I'm going to show him how to register and let him register for his fall classes and then let him do it in the spring.

 

OH.. college visits. I started with a really good college that is 15 minutes from here. He has been there for homeschool special events as well as summer academic day camps there when he was younger. So in the fall of 10th grade, I signed him up for there college preview day for homeschoolers. He did NOT want to go. I talked it up and made it non-negotiable.. We went... he was VERY uncomfortable and nervous when we got there. But he followed the crowd and even went to classes. He REALLY liked talking to the computer professor and since it ended up being just one other boy and him with the professor, he did ask him some questions. He had a really good time and REALLY liked talking to the professor. I chose this college visit first because he was very familiar with it and it would be a good introduction into college visits.

 

So in the spring, we went to Baylor. He's been there a couple of times since dh and I both went there. He had a ball there and wasn't very nervous since he has done it before. We signed him up for attending a computer science class, but since it was a lab, a professor spent an hour chatting with him and showing him around. He LOVED it . ( He did this without us. We dropped him at the class and left.)

 

This past fall we went to TCU and again he had a great time. Again he visited with a professor and came out SO excited talking about discrete numbers and how interesting they were.:confused:

 

So now our next hurdle.. With his ACT score, he qualified for a special weekend for computers science/engineering majors. They stay at the dorm for those majors and spend a day in class, spend the night, etc.. To be honest, he wasn't sure he wanted to do that... I think it will be good and help him make his decision. I also think he is going to have a blast. He has grudgingly agreed to it. I want to find something similar for TCU to help him as well. He'd qualify for the honors dorm there as there comp sci program is REALLY small there, so they don't have a dorm just for that.

 

I just thought I would share about my journey. I see high school as the time to get them to prepare for life without me.. Do I wish he were in more extra-curriculars... YES, but he does a really good job with the computer stuff at church behind the scenes and it goes with his major, so we will call it good. He is also continuing with piano..

 

I know others on this board have much more severe aspie children and what I am suggesting would not work AT ALL!!! But what I am doing is working, so I'll keep at it. He is learning to cope.

[DawnM]

Long term goals.....we honestly aren't sure yet. We are still on the wait list to get him tested for some learning disabilities to get some accommodations on record before he hits college age. At this point I definitely see that he will need things read to him or the audio version. He may need extended time on tests as well.

 

Some of his issues are related to large groups where he gets frustrated. He blows up in anger. We have done therapy for that, we have talked until we are blue in the face, we have role-played situations......but they fly out the window when the actual situation arises. HOWEVER, he is getting better with maturity and we are seeing changes.

 

We do expect college and we are allowing him to choose something of interest, even if it is Art. But, unless we get some huge scholarships he will be going to school close to home and commuting.

 

Dawn

[motherdear]

My Aspie is a social BUTTERFLY! I wish he'd want to stay home every so often!

[Barbara H]

What are your long term goals and or his long term goals?? .

 

Yes, this is the most important question and exactly what I would suggest. While it isn't always possible to know where kids can end up, thinking about what you hope for and what you think it most likely is a place to start. Then try to identify the skills needed to get there and work back selective some reasonable goals and working them a bit at a time. Thinking about person at 18 who can do x what do they need to be doing at 12 to get there?

 

The community college story was great. I like how Mom started talking about it a year before it would happen and then bit by bit shifted responsibility. It can take this kind of active planning because just waiting for some kids won't make it happen. He wasn't going to ask to take the class and he couldn't push himself through to get there. He needed it to be identified as a goal and broken down into individual tasks to learn to navigate with support. And, he was able to do it and got all the confidence that comes from that success. One step closer to the ultimate goal.

[funnygirl]

Just curious if any of the rest of you deal with this with an Aspie who really wants to just be at home all the time. Do you just make him/her go anyway?

 

Yes and no.

 

Yes, she just wants to stay home all the time.

 

No, I don't make her go anyway, because I know what a nightmare that can be for all of us. HOWEVER, I am trying to "push" a little bit when she says she doesn't want to go. I'm asking questions (Why don't you want to go, would anything change your mind, etc.) and trying to help her overcome the obstacles that she places on going out. I have a goal of getting her out of the house two out of our four schooldays. I'm also encouraging her to interact with people when we go out (talk to the librarian, the cashier, etc.) in hopes of increasing her independence. I've also been encouraging her to go outside when the neighbors are out. She loves to play, but she's terrified of rejection. We're working through that one slowly but surely.

 

Hugs!!