Will I ruin my children if I leave my homeschool group? Seriously, will I???

[4kids4me]

We belong to a small (6 families, 20 school-aged children) homeschool group. It used to be bigger, but families have moved away. It's a closed group, so it's expected that all members make all events possible. We tend to have two events/month.

 

The benefit is that we do all know each other, are similar in how we are raising our children, and the children know one another well...are friends!

 

The downside is that majority rules, so if you don't like something, you're pretty much stuck with it.

 

My dh has not enjoyed what is required of him...men's breakfasts for the most part. He hates the artificial environment of "let's share what's on our heart and pray for one another." Ummmm, he's a guy...he's got nothing to share! He endures because I think it's important for the children.

 

After last night's yearly planning meeting I'm seeing more and more why he doesn't like it. I HATE the planning stuff, I hate the meetings, I hate doing stuff I don't want to do! But I keep putting it down to me being selfish. I'm totally doing this for my children, who LOVE the end result of visits to Pioneer Villages, Museums, Christmas parties, sports day, science fairs, and recital teas with seniors. Some stuff we could do on our own, but most DO require other families, etc.

 

So what are your thoughts? Have you been a part of and have left a group? Have you never belonged to a group? Will my children be scared if we left? Are we being selfish???

[Jen500]

Well, we're fairly new to hs'ing. I purposefully haven't joined any groups yet because I didn't want to jump from set of rules,expectations, whatever (public school) to another. Guess I don't have any advice except you should do what works best for your family. That's the reason I always give to people about why we're hs'ing.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Honestly, I would probably stick it out... if I was not embarassed to be seen with the people. I am never going on a field trip with homeschoolers again. EVER.

 

If the people are your kids' friends and if it is beneficial for the kids to participate, I would probably stick it out... If I felt completely overwhelmed, I would just be honest and say that dh and I can't make it to some of the adult things... we are completely overwhelmed. I would maybe just tell them that dh can't make it andsee what happens.

 

Maybe nothing will and some of the other dads will gently say..."I always hated those things, too."

[4kids4me]

Oh Heather, I know these families pretty well. Three dads love the men's meetings, two are lukewarm about it (one doesn't like going but bears it, one doesn't like going but feels refreshed afterwards), and my dh can't stand it, but goes because it's an expectation of the group.

 

Thanks for the encouragement about sticking it out.

[Plucky]

I couldn't be part of this kind of group. I don't even like churches that are like that. I would really struggle in that atmosphere. I like groups and belonging but I chafe at too many expectations.

[Plucky]

Oh, and you won't hurt your kids. It's better to show them you have appropriate boundaries and can stand up for yourself. :)

[Michelle in MO]

I would stay. I don't think your dh should be forced to attend meetings.

 

With a smaller group (we were in one ourselves) the tendency is for the majority to rule. I personally would not feel obligated to participate in activities for which neither me nor my children had any inclination. I've BTDT before, and on more than one occasion ended up doing a major project that I really wanted no part of.

 

My perspective about homeschool groups has changed. Now that my girls are older and much more work is being required of them, now that two are in high school (or at least doing h.s. level work), the activity or event has to directly pertain to what we're doing here at home; otherwise, I don't involve myself in it. I just have too many irons in the fire now.

 

When my girls were younger, I went along with "majority rules" but it stopped working for us a couple of years ago. The projects got too involved and took up too much of my time from high school level work.

 

However, if your kids are younger, or if they're so inclined to continue, I would keep it up for the social interaction as much as anything else. Is this a homeschool group where you have to participate year-round in order to do field trips and the special events with them, or can you just show up for special events?

 

I hope things work out for you and your dc. But, if your hubby is bored, I'd let him stay home.

[4kids4me]

The rules of the group are there for the good of the group...I can see that. There's another "open" group in the next town...you can come and go to events as you please, but I wouldn't touch that group with a ten-foot pole. The kids are wild, etc.

 

Because we are an exclusive small group, I can see that it's important that everyone goes to all meetings/events when they're planned. If it becomes a pick and choose group, then we might only end up with six children at a Christmas party that one has planned for 20 children, kwim?

 

Having said that, dh endures the two adult meetings and three men's breakfasts per year. I'm realizing now that I feel the same way. In fact, my ds just said to me, "You're ALWAYS mad after these meetings, especially after the ones with just the women."

 

So it's all or nothing. Uhhh, my children just love the events though. It would break my heart to "deprive" them of that. The agonies in life, eh?

[Plucky]

If your kids love it that much, I'd suck it up and continue. I don't like groups like that unless the benefits are incredible. In this case, I'd stay.

[katilac]

If the guy stuff is an 'expectation' rather than a rule, the first thing I would do (if I really liked the group otherwise) is have dh stop going, and see what happens. There are surely other ways your dh can be useful to the group - - heh, I'd pay money not to have to go to those things!

 

then I'd look at ways to make my contribution easier to manage. you say the expectation is that all members make all events happen. can you help adjust that expectation? I personally would prefer to do more work on fewer events, rather than constantly be planning something. Perhaps some members of your group feel this way? Would that help you?

 

I used to coordinate volunteers and plan events for a living, and I can tell you that 'everybody doing a bit of everthing, all the time' is the most inefficient thing you can do. Ideally, one person is in charge of each event. Not everyone in the group needs to be in charge of an event (not everyone is cut out for it), but everyone needs to decide what events they'll help with, - - the group needs to decide what's reasonable, what the major events are, the minor ones, etc. So for your bigger events, you'd have a chair of the event, and one or more committees taking care of various details. Minor events might be "Becky's in charge, and Ann is helping her."

 

If you're not comfortable diving into a big discussion of how the group is structured, just dip your toes in to start. "I won't be able to help much for the July events, so I thought I'd do a bit more in June, like yada yada yada." Others may quickly follow your lead. Or not; either way, the response will help you make a decision.

 

 

If adjustments weren't possible, I'd look at alternatives. I do think your older kids are getting to the age where some outside activities can be important, and it sounds like they do truly enjoy it. but it doesn't have to be THIS group.

 

is there another group you can join? if you don't know, start looking while trying new things with the current group.

 

can you start a new group? or more informally, can you plan some get togethers & events with other families?

 

what other activities are available that might fill this need for your kids? scouts? book club? summer camp?

[astrid]

Um, I'd be outta there, but then I'm a group-less homeschooler, and not only do we not belong to any homeschooling groups, I also have an only child. We pulled dd out of public school in April of her 2nd grade year, and she's now finishing up 5th grade. So far, she's just fine..... :001_smile:

[Anne]

You know, I would start by being honest (or at least relatively so!) with your group. Tell them that you love, love, the children's events. And tell them that you and your dh are overwhelmed and are really struggling with making the adult meetings. You don't have to say they're boring and terrible - even if they are!

 

I love our homeschool group, but if my dh had ever had to attend men's meetings in order to belong..........yikes!:tongue_smilie:

 

I say, start by being talking with the group and see where it takes you.

 

anne

[4kids4me]

Let's see if I can be more specific...everyone's comments are great!

 

-the amount of events is fine

-last night I told the ladies we need a good balance of events that we need to prepare for (like doing science and history projects at home, practicing plays and songs at home in preparation for upcoming events)...they responded well

-everyone in the group knows my dh hates the men's meetings...it's still an expectation

-the other two adult meetings are expectations

 

Here's an example of something that bothers me (though I can see it from the other side as well, don't get me wrong): last ladies' meeting a few ladies got on a bandwagon that they'd like to include a graduation during our end-of-year potluck. They wanted the dads to get up and say a few words about each of their children. Now I KNOW my dh will not participate in something like this, and I've been around enough to know that a couple of the dads will go on and on (and boast and go on and on...and on and on), and you know what? I'm not just into that, either. So I said outright, dh will not be a part of that and I won't, either. So their response was, "Well, he doesn't have to participate, just the other dads can." Could you imagine all the dads EXCEPT OURS getting up to say something? Could you imagine how our children would feel? So we're ****ed if we do and ****ed if we don't. Either we have to go and be a part of it, if we want to enjoy the end of the year party, or we don't go at all, which (slightly) ticks people off.

 

So it was decided that THIS YEAR we wouldn't do that...but yet last night at the end of the meeting it was brought up again and one mom said, "Well, if it doesn't offend anyone, I'd like my husband to say a few words about my daughter...she's graduating from grade six." (The ironic thing is that in our area, we don't have grade six grad, just grades 8 and 12...but whatever....). Well, then the talk started again about how we should do it and were we going to do it this year, etc? Thankfully my close friend who's in the group pipes up that that's something that their family would do, etc, and it 's too late to do it this year.

 

But I just know that it'll be brought up again for next year.

 

Ok, end of rant. For now. :)

[elegantlion]

That's a hard one. I've been known to put up with stupid rules to make sure my son is involved in something, but he is an only child, and usually those are temporary situations. I also know my dh, who is a great dad, would not be involved in something that required him to show up at an X time. He works a funky schedule and can never commit to events. He also hates being told what to do.

 

I guess the first thing I would do is examine my own attitude. Are these women truly annoying, or have gotten under my skin a few too many times, KWIM?

 

What are your kids going to miss out on if they stop? Have you asked the kids how they feel? As our children grow up they will probably have to put with people that get on their nerves, it could be a good learning tool IF your children are receiving benefits otherwise.

 

If I felt like I could provide the same support in a different manner, I'd have to quit. It doesn't sound like You are receiving anything from this group.

[nancypants]

We've not been part of a group yet. I wouldn't want to be part of a group like that that seems to function more like a small church (men's breakfasts and all of that)... In my opinion, that's what church is for! :) It sounds like it's very obligation heavy and I have enough home related obligations that I don't need the extra guilt (we call it "false guilt" here because it's not something worth feeling guilty about!)

 

I don't think your kids will be ruined by any stretch of the imagination. There are plenty of things you can do on your own or just with friends...

[4kids4me]

Oh Nancy, we seriously don't have a lot of friends (hence, partially why my dh doesn't like the men's breakfasts...he keeps to himself) and three of the five other ladies in the group I'd consider my closest friends!!!! :D Nice, eh? One completely understands my view on, say, the graduation, but it's her husband that most likes the men's breakfasts, one is leaving the country next year, so it's kinda neutral, and the third is for the grad thing and her husband is luke-warm about the men's breakfast.

 

So you can see, these children in the group ARE my kids friends, really! Other than neighbourhood children, my kids don't have any other friends.

 

So I bet you're wondering how I can be such a stick-in-the-mud with my friends? Well, we're not all the same, and each dh is different, kwim? So you're coming at a group with six different couples and 12 opinions...majority rules. Too bad so sad if you don't like it.

 

I guess I'll continue to suck it up. For this coming year at least. Then I'll reevaluate based on how it goes.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Bummer... I really hate stuff like that, too.

 

I really might just let dh start skipping and see what happens... let the chips fall where they may. But I tend to buck whatver rules are in place.

[Pam Wilhelm]

I/We don't belong to any groups......... I've tried a couple but have decided that I'm just not a "joiner"....... and would hate that touchy-feely kind of group and so would my hubby. ........... and yet, somehow we all survive and we are all fairly normal...... :tongue_smilie: well, more or less. :D

 

I personally think hs groups are highly overrated........ and when they start imitating public school (prom, yearbooks, etc.... I have to wonder why).... but like I said, I'm not a "joiner" and tend to be somewhat of a loner anyway... love people, love to talk, but don't want to know someone's "heart"...... (is that cruel?).

[nancypants]

Sorry, I should have been clearer when I said that about "doing stuff with friends." I was thinking more of going to museums, etc... (not about science fairs or anything more formal!) :D

 

I don't know what to tell you really except that it's not worth all of the extra stress and expectations so hopefully you can get out of it next year. Hopefully your friends won't give you the heave ho because you needed a break from all of it.

[Laurie4b]

Ok. Here's the part I don't understand: what do the men's breakfasts have to do with the price of eggs in China? (as my mom used to say!) I can see requiring attendance at the kids' events in a small group, but men's breakfasts have nothing to do with homeschooling. ( I don't mean that you can't make a link, but dads can be great homeschool dads without prayer breakfasts with other homeschool dads.)

[4kids4me]

It's supposed to be a way for the men to bond, talk about how it's going...ultimately I guess what's drawn some men to the group is that the men and women are involved (ultimately it's just the women, for the most part, that do the events, but there are family days, and adult business meetings/socials). But, as my dh says, because it's mostly women-run (events, that is), there's no point in him meeting with these men! So yes, the price of eggs in China has nothing to do with the events! :)

[Vida Winter]

And if I don't like it, I am not willing to endure it even if the kids would get some benefit. Mercifully, where I moved there are no homeschool groups at all, so I don't have to decide.

 

If you want out, quit the group. I would do that with no guilt.

[chai]

If these are your best friends and your children love the group, I say suck it up and keep on going. (I could never belong to a group with that many rules, but I go to a lot of events that I dislike for the sake of my dd.) You can continue to try to change it from within--perhaps talk to the others individually to see if they are willing to make a few changes to the rules. Just don't have any expectations that things will get dramatically different.

[Ellie]

The men are "required" to go to a breakfast???

 

Oy.

 

You will do just fine without the group. You can go to lots of field trip places all by yourself. You can even call a couple of the folks who are your good friends to go with you on the field trips, or to come over for lunch or whatnot.

 

I say let it go.

[2cents]

This sounds like a group I'd really hate. I won't belong to any homeschool groups that are that intrusive into our homelife. I wouldn't make my dh go to the mens meetings and if I found that I was angry or stressed out, I'd find another group or go it alone for awhile.

[Michelle in MO]

I would be tending to feel overburdened. I would probably stick it out for the kids' sakes, if they're really enjoying it. For myself, I'd personally probably want to drop out. I've found the workload with just homeschooling to be enough without the burden of additional expectations.

 

I hope you can continue (as you've already been doing) to keep the lines of communication open with the group and be able to state your opinion or desires for the group.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

The rules of the group are there for the good of the group...I can see that. There's another "open" group in the next town...you can come and go to events as you please, but I wouldn't touch that group with a ten-foot pole. The kids are wild, etc.

 

Because we are an exclusive small group, I can see that it's important that everyone goes to all meetings/events when they're planned. If it becomes a pick and choose group, then we might only end up with six children at a Christmas party that one has planned for 20 children, kwim?

 

Having said that, dh endures the two adult meetings and three men's breakfasts per year. I'm realizing now that I feel the same way. In fact, my ds just said to me, "You're ALWAYS mad after these meetings, especially after the ones with just the women."

 

So it's all or nothing. Uhhh, my children just love the events though. It would break my heart to "deprive" them of that. The agonies in life, eh?

 

FWIW, I generally come home irritated after planning meetings for scouts too. But I do enjoy the activities and the kids like the pack. We've been in a couple different packs with different styles of leadership and there is still usually something that rubs me the wrong way. To some extent, that may just be the nature of the group planning process.

 

Is there the possibility that you could redirect some of the adult meetings to a different format? Maybe one breakfast meeting, one bowling night and one day at the target range? Think about what frustrates you about the other adult meetings and make a suggestion that tweaks it. Of course, you run the risk of being put in charge of organizing the changed meeting.

[Tiffani]

Forgive me for not reading all the other posts, but....

 

there's no way I would be a part of this group. For one I can't and won't commit to events just "because". As a family we do tons of things together. My dh loves to fish and hunt and he loves to take the kids. He travels so when he has a day off he's not going to give up time w/ his kids b/c of some rules in a hs group.

 

I think we put too many pressures on ourselves about "what everyone else is doing". Is the group benefitting your kids? I mean really??? If so, stick it out. But if you're doing it b/c you "think" they need an outlet but it feels like more of a burden everytime your plans have to be rearranged b/c of a hs event, then I'd say to reevaluate. But if you guys don't have a lot of hobbies together then great!

 

We live around family, our church family is small and my dh travels internationally and gets to take our boys on mission trips in other countries....so to be a part of a group like this would interfere w/ our higher priority of our ministry...make sense???

 

HTH,

Tiffani

 

I

[Barb_]

Well, how about a little thought experiment?

 

Get quiet, pour a glass of wine or a cup of something warm and soothing, and close your eyes. Forget the kids for a moment and focus on how belonging to the group is making you feel. Imagine it's time to go to a planning session or party or some other part you dread. Really experience your genuine reaction. Are you looking forward to spending time with your friends or are you experiencing heart palpitations and trying to think of excuses not to go? A little of both? Hold on to that reaction for just a moment. Now clear your mind and imagine what Tuesday night (or Thursday or whatever) feels like with tons of free time. Would you miss everyone in spite of the little irritations? Or would the relief make up for any regrets you have? Take your time and really convince yourself the decision is already made.

 

Now if the answer is honestly and truly, I am done with this group and I will be a better mom, teacher, and spouse if we move on, then DO it. No regrets. Your children will move on too. You have loads of good memories behind you...now it's time to create new ones. There are advantages to the extra free time, especially as they grow older and the schoolwork becomes more demanding. They really will be okay. If you are deeply convinced you and your husband have outgrown this group, you are doing your children no favors by sacrificing your sanity to stick it out.

 

My grandmother used to get up at 4:30 every morning to bake bread for her 4 kids' lunches. She didn't do it because she loved it, but because she didn't feel nurtured as a child and she thought this was an example of what one did for one's children. Know what? Not one of them remembers. Oh, they knew that mom got up early, but they took the freshly baked bread for granted because that's all they knew. That's the nature of children. They take what you do for granted. So if you and your husband are doing something you dread or even hate sometimes just for their own good, you are doing no one any favors. Love them and nurture them in ways that feel natural to you. Parenting just isn't supposed to be that hard.

 

Barb

[4kids4me]

How great are all these responses? Would you like to join my new homeschool group? (kidding, of course)

 

Seriously, though...it was food for thought...I laughed at some of the responses (only the funny parts, of course...I didn't laugh AT them), and reflected with other responses.

 

You guys are the best.

[mcconnellboys]

I would sit down with them and explain why you feel you must leave this group. Is there no other group in your area which you might join for at least some things? Could you start another group on your own for some things, such as field trips?

 

I found myself in a situation very early on in our hsing journey where I felt I had to leave a group that was being unfair to others, etc. I explained to my son and sought other avenues for us to do things. We did do field trips pretty much on our own for an entire school year (he did have neighborhood friends, church, sports, etc.)

 

We eventually found other groups and now are in a situation where I don't need a group, but can post to a yahoo group when we want to do field trips, a stand-alone class, etc. and always get enough to go along with us.

[kalanamak]

Having said that, dh endures the two adult meetings and three men's breakfasts per year. I'm realizing now that I feel the same way. In fact, my ds just said to me, "You're ALWAYS mad after these meetings, especially after the ones with just the women."

 

 

 

 

I don't know how much time you put into it, but 5 events a year doesn't seem like a lot. And he could quietly "call in sick" on at least one. As to "always mad", how about floating out to sea mentally at these functions. Prop your eyeballs open, smile, say little and dream about your perfect home or your best vacation or (my personal favourite) all the best kisses you ever got. Is there something there was a sense of humor looking bored? Can you joke around with one of the women and let the rest just rinse by?

[4kids4me]

Thanks, again, for all the wonderful responses. Truly, we have a lovely group of people in our homeschool group and I don't want to hurt them...or disappoint my children. For now we're staying in the group, but will prayerfully consider what we'll do for the following year.