Is it hormonal and normal or does my dd10 need....

[Brigitte]

therapy? She is almost always unhappy and, Lord help us, if she doesn't get her way. Tantrums are an almost daily occurrence. She also has a streak of defiance, particularly towards dh. She did start her period at the end of December, so I do wonder how much of this is hormonal and anxiety about body changes, etc.. I am at a loss for how to deal with her and dh is dealing with this even worse than I am. There is a lot of depression/anger on his side of the family, so I don't really know if I am seeing that coming out in her or if this is just normal, hormonal preteen stuff.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Parrothead]

No, it isn't normal. Take her to her pediatrician for a full work up. Then if there is nothing medical get her to counseling.

[unsinkable]

What is her twin sister like?

 

How much exercise does she get? My kids act much better after exercise. Always puts a smile on their faces.

 

How much responsibility does she have? SHe is getting older and some kids this age crave responsibility.

 

Does she get to spend time alone? I think it is imp. for kids' mental health to have this and it is sometimes hard to manage in homeschooling families.

 

:grouphug:

[Brigitte]

No, it isn't normal. Take her to her pediatrician for a full work up. Then if there is nothing medical get her to counseling.

 

I am leaning heavily in that direction. Thanks.

[Nakia]

My oldest has been a terror for about 6 or 7 months. From what I've learned, it's pretty normal. I've talked to tons of moms of older teen girls, including some moms here, and they assure me it will get better. I'm holding them to it. :D

 

:grouphug:

 

Do you spend a lot of one on one time with her? How about your dh? I know us purposefully setting aside time to be one on one with Anna has helped tremendously. It's also really important to remain completely calm no matter what she says or does. Easier said than done, I know. Does she do any activities? We increased Anna's time at horseback riding, and she is really happy about that. Another thing we did was get rid of Disney channel. I know that sounds lame, but we used to let the girls watch Disney, and then I realized they were mimicking those bratty little girls on there.

 

Anyway, hang in there! And I do want to say that you should probably call her doc if you are wondering if she is having issues with depression.

[Brigitte]

What is her twin sister like?

 

How much exercise does she get? My kids act much better after exercise. Always puts a smile on their faces.

 

How much responsibility does she have? SHe is getting older and some kids this age crave responsibility.

 

Does she get to spend time alone? I think it is imp. for kids' mental health to have this and it is sometimes hard to manage in homeschooling families.

 

:grouphug:

 

Her twin is much more even keel, but she is far more like me in terms of temperament and has not reached puberty.

 

In terms of exercise, she rides her horse several times a week and spends quite a bit of time making jumps in the house (driving us all crazy with her jumping).

 

She basically has no responsibilities around the house. I am working on changing that for all members of the household, as I do everything. She does get time alone, and asks for it, when she feels she needs it.

 

Thanks for the :grouphug: I need it.

[NotAVampireLvr]

I would try more responsibility and more exercise... I was a bear at 10... my mom was at her witt's end. In fact I was pretty impossible through my teen years in general mood wise... I think the only thing that saved me is that although I had big time outburts and was super hormonal I was not rebellious really.

[Brigitte]

My oldest has been a terror for about 6 or 7 months. From what I've learned, it's pretty normal. I've talked to tons of moms of older teen girls, including some moms here, and they assure me it will get better. I'm holding them to it. :D

 

:grouphug:

 

Do you spend a lot of one on one time with her? How about your dh? I know us purposefully setting aside time to be one on one with Anna has helped tremendously. It's also really important to remain completely calm no matter what she says or does. Easier said than done, I know. Does she do any activities? We increased Anna's time at horseback riding, and she is really happy about that. Another thing we did was get rid of Disney channel. I know that sounds lame, but we used to let the girls watch Disney, and then I realized they were mimicking those bratty little girls on there.

 

Anyway, hang in there! And I do want to say that you should probably call her doc if you are wondering if she is having issues with depression.

 

I spend time alone with her going to the barn mostly. Dh doesn't really spend time with her. They avoid it, actually. They are so much alike, there is almost always a battle of wills when I am not around. I can't blame any of this on TV, unless she is picking something up from Mr. Ed :lol:, since we don't watch any "current" programming. Her friends aren't an issue either - they are mostly well mannered, good kids from the barn or our church homeschool group.

 

Ugh. Parenting sure looks easier than it is...........

[Brigitte]

I would try more responsibility and more exercise... I was a bear at 10... my mom was at her witt's end. In fact I was pretty impossible through my teen years in general mood wise... I think the only thing that saved me is that although I had big time outburts and was super hormonal I was not rebellious really.

 

Oh no! You just dashed my hopes that since this started early, it would end early. :tongue_smilie:

 

I will try the exercise and responsibility route. Thanks!

[KidsHappen]

Is the behavior new? Since say a few months before her period started? If so it is probably hormonal and will eventually get better. A regular physical with her PCP for a standard work up is probably a good first step. If everything is normal then maybe she could use some counseling on how to better handle her emotions and perhaps some stricter consequences for undesirable behavior but there probably isn't a mental health issue. On the other hand, if this is an ongoing issue then it is possible that it is a mood issue. In any case, I suggest a work-up from your regular dr. and then proceed from there.

[Nakia]

I spend time alone with her going to the barn mostly. Dh doesn't really spend time with her. They avoid it, actually. They are so much alike, there is almost always a battle of wills when I am not around. I can't blame any of this on TV, unless she is picking something up from Mr. Ed :lol:, since we don't watch any "current" programming. Her friends aren't an issue either - they are mostly well mannered, good kids from the barn or our church homeschool group.

 

Ugh. Parenting sure looks easier than it is...........

 

Truer words were never spoken. :001_smile:

[UmMusa]

My son is 10 and can be moody, angry, and prone to outbursts. We talk to him, set limits, and make consequences. IT's so tough and makes me stress out a lot. I feel sad and angry b/c of the situation often.

 

I think this must be a tough time for your DD especially since she's just started menstruating. No advice here, but try different things in the lifestyle and see if she cheers up. Or give her tools to use to manage her anger.

[Brigitte]

Is the behavior new? Since say a few months before her period started? If so it is probably hormonal and will eventually get better. A regular physical with her PCP for a standard work up is probably a good first step. If everything is normal then maybe she could use some counseling on how to better handle her emotions and perhaps some stricter consequences for undesirable behavior but there probably isn't a mental health issue. On the other hand, if this is an ongoing issue then it is possible that it is a mood issue. In any case, I suggest a work-up from your regular dr. and then proceed from there.

 

She has always been the more difficult of the two - stronger willed, more emotional, etc. However we do seem to be at a whole new level these last few months. We will see the ped in a couple of weeks for a study we are participating in. I think I will mention something to her then. Thanks!

[TranquilMind]

What is her twin sister like?

 

How much exercise does she get? My kids act much better after exercise. Always puts a smile on their faces.

 

How much responsibility does she have? SHe is getting older and some kids this age crave responsibility.

 

Does she get to spend time alone? I think it is imp. for kids' mental health to have this and it is sometimes hard to manage in homeschooling families.

 

:grouphug:

I would address all this before rushing to the counseling option.

 

A lot of kids just need to be busy, responsible, and tired out from exercise. Mine included. I notice a real difference when they aren't.

[J-rap]

This may seem off-topic, but when my girls were that age, their relationship with their dad meant so much; it kind of helped temper them. I wonder if your husband could find something special to do with her on a regular basis that wouldn't leave them both feeling stressed... Something that was fun/relaxing and the focus wasn't necessarily on themselves. A weekly tennis game, stamp collecting, a star-gazing class, a bike ride. Just a thought. Maybe I'm completely off the mark.

[Brigitte]

This may seem off-topic, but when my girls were that age, their relationship with their dad meant so much; it kind of helped temper them. I wonder if your husband could find something special to do with her on a regular basis that wouldn't leave them both feeling stressed... Something that was fun/relaxing and the focus wasn't necessarily on themselves. A weekly tennis game, stamp collecting, a star-gazing class, a bike ride. Just a thought. Maybe I'm completely off the mark.

 

I don't think you are off the mark at all. Before reading your comments, I had this exact conversation with him. He says she just acts like he is an idiot and he doesn't want to subject himself to that. I feel like I am managing two teenagers sometimes (one before her time, and one well beyond his). Dh's father had lots of problems, and I know his sister and his dad were at odds with each other most of the time, which is why I think counseling might be in order (history repeating itself and all).

 

This is all so exhausting.

[Brigitte]

I would definitely look into it. I was very depressed as a kid. I got plenty of exercise and had plenty of responsibilities. It did not cure or help me.

 

My 10 year old can be rather moody, but things like tantrums are very rare for him. I would definitely find regular tantrums disturbing in a child that age.

 

Did you get help as a kid?

[fairfarmhand]

I spend time alone with her going to the barn mostly. Dh doesn't really spend time with her. They avoid it, actually. They are so much alike, there is almost always a battle of wills when I am not around. I can't blame any of this on TV, unless she is picking something up from Mr. Ed :lol:, since we don't watch any "current" programming. Her friends aren't an issue either - they are mostly well mannered, good kids from the barn or our church homeschool group.

 

Ugh. Parenting sure looks easier than it is...........

sounds like my family. My dd was awful at age 10, much like you described. She's 14 now and still is not an easy kid, but then I don't think she will ever be an easy kid. However, I have noticed a slight mellowing in the last year or so. Slowly I think she is turning it around.

[MrsH]

Looks like you plan to try the exercise and keeping busy route, while also mentioning it to her pedi. I think that's entirely appropriate.

 

Something you can also do, either concurrently or if you don't see an improvement, is for you and your DH to go see a family's counselor yourselves. That person might have some really helpful insights and suggestions into your parenting, the things that trigger you, and what responses might be more helpful. That way, you avoid having your daughter feel like there's something wrong with her and being sent away to be fixed by someone else (which isn't what counseling for kids should be, esp. not in this situation, but sometimes they can feel that way).

 

How does your daughter feel about her moods and her tantrums? I know my dd9 feels embarrassed when she tantrums, and feels isolated and lonely when she's moody. She hates it but in the moment feels powerless to change it. We talk a lot together about things she can try next time. She sometimes does remember to try them, with mixed results. It's been empowering to her though to know that she's not alone in learning how to handle her big feelings.

[Brigitte]

Looks like you plan to try the exercise and keeping busy route, while also mentioning it to her pedi. I think that's entirely appropriate.

 

Something you can also do, either concurrently or if you don't see an improvement, is for you and your DH to go see a family's counselor yourselves. That person might have some really helpful insights and suggestions into your parenting, the things that trigger you, and what responses might be more helpful. That way, you avoid having your daughter feel like there's something wrong with her and being sent away to be fixed by someone else (which isn't what counseling for kids should be, esp. not in this situation, but sometimes they can feel that way).

 

How does your daughter feel about her moods and her tantrums? I know my dd9 feels embarrassed when she tantrums, and feels isolated and lonely when she's moody. She hates it but in the moment feels powerless to change it. We talk a lot together about things she can try next time. She sometimes does remember to try them, with mixed results. It's been empowering to her though to know that she's not alone in learning how to handle her big feelings.

 

Thanks, Mrs. H. I do plan to talk to someone, since clearly I am not handling this situation properly. I only hope I can get dh on board.

 

She doesn't talk about how she feels about it, but I can see she feels lonely and isolated. I also believe she gets that same powerless feeling your dd gets. I feel terrible for her when she gets like this.

[Brigitte]

Yes I did. I saw a social worker at school. She also took me out periodically (to lunch, to the park). I saw some therapists as well. I never took any medications or anything like that. I found the social worker the most helpful. The therapy was a hit or miss because some therapists were better than others (some were just downright useless and awful).

 

I do think it would be very helpful for her to have a independent 3rd party to talk to. She likely thinks that she is going to get in trouble for saying what she is feeling, which she won't, but there is no convincing her of that.