Question about how visits between your mother in law and kids is generally done

[BethG]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

[Tigger]

My MIL is ill now, but for the last few years, since they moved about a mile away, we've controlled visits with the grandparents (inlaw) since MIL has a personality disorder.

 

If she asks, we look at our calendar and let her know if we're available on dates she'd like to see us - the kids are never alone with her. We've never specifically told her she can't see them unsupervised, but always say no if she wants to do something alone with DS or the baby since in the past that has led to some major issues when we did test those waters with her.

 

Until recently we had a standing dinner night with them, once a week, we'd bring dinner (her cooking a meal is a nightmare) and visit with them for a few hours. We also would invite them over now and then too, as she'd call us and invite us to stuff at their house outside our dinner night.

 

Now if she was an emotionally healthy person? We'd have more back-and-forth and give-and-take, but she's not, so this is what we do.

[tabrizia]

First we have a great relationship with my in-laws and I think they are amazing people, both my FIL and MIL. I also enjoy visiting with them, and we all get along great. They must have read the handbook on how to be great in-laws because they are. Now to answer the questions.

 

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

Either we e-mail them or they e-mail us about us coming down or them coming up. We tend to go to their house almost every Sunday afternoon, so we actually either e-mail or call about that visit only if we aren't planning on coming or if they have plans that conflict.

 

They also take either DD or DS1 on Fridays all day 2 to 4 times a month and either DH will e-mail them about it, or they will e-mail us about it.

 

It is normally initiated about 50/50 us or them.

 

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

Yes

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

Yes

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

I tend to e-mail rather then call, but yes

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

We tend to use e-mail a lot more then phone calls, so she or my FIL e-mail both me and DH about it. If it is a phone call they either call the house first (which normally gets me), then DH's cell phone, then my cell phone.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

We all pursue the relationship. Both me and DH and MIL and FIL. As stated above we initiate visits about 50% of the time and they initiate visits 50% of the time.

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

We are about 45 minutes away.

[DusksAngel]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated? She usually will tell us when she's available to come out or we'll mention a good time.

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits? Very much

 

Does your husband initiate the visits? Sometimes (see above)

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it? Sometimes (see above)

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan? Both or we'll chat on speakerphone

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship? My dh probably puts in the most effort although all of us work at it.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL? MIL lives in MA, we live in MO

She would see them as much as my mom does if she still lived here though.

[Mommy_of_4]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated? It's not. I have tried in the past to get her involved with the kids but she doesn't want anything to do with them if it isn't done "her way". She has only seen the baby 2 times. Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits? Nope Does your husband initiate the visits? No Do you call your MIL and initiate it? No Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan? Neither, she never asks about the kids In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship? I have tried but not in a while because she never seems to care. And...how close do you live to your MIL? Right next door. ETA: Sorry its all jumbled. I don't know why it won't let me space things out today.

[Cassy]

These days MIL sees my DC twice a year: once in the summer, when DH takes the boys to stay with her for a couple of days, and once at Christmas. She lives a 2 hour drive away. The visits are initiated by her and arranged weeks in advance because she and FIL have very busy social lives, so they have to be booked in advance :glare:. I avoid them all I can :001_smile:.

 

In the past, when I went along more, we saw them more often, but always had to 'book'. Mostly, it was probably initiated by MIL, but occasionally if we were travelling somewhere, and were passing, we'd ask if we could drop in and see them, sometimes staying overnight, and sometimes entertaining ourselves while there because they were already 'booked' that evening.

 

When I was first married and had just had DS12, I imagined that I would pop along regularly to see her, sometimes staying overnight, DS12 and I, but MIL and I were destined never to have that close a relationship, and in fact, in time our relationship went from bad to worse. It's something that saddened me terribly at one point, but as they say, it is what it is.

 

MIL does seem to love the boys a lot, but she has other grandchildren and a very busy life. I'm sure she'd probably like to see more of them, but not enough to make any extra effort.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Mrs_JWM]

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

 

It's split pretty evenly. Half the time she does; the other half I initiate it.

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

 

Does my husband do what now?!! Of course...not! ;)

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

 

See above. :)

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

 

She and I handle the planning.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

 

My MIL and I have a great relationship, and we both work to make sure it stays that way. I think it's really important for my daughter to spend time with her grandparents, so I try to make that happen as often as possible. My husband would not call his parents more than every other month or so because he's not a chatty person, so my MIL has said that she appreciates that I do call and write and email, and have my daughter do the same. We also webcam every week.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

She's four hours away, but I'm trying to get her to move to our town. My mother lives two blocks away, and I would love to have my "second mother" that close, too.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

We don't see the inlaws that often. The last visit was a year ago only due to a funeral. Usually see them once a year. They come tomorrow in fact

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

 

 

No interest from inlaws at all. They don't call on birthdays, they don't send presents on birthdays. They will give presents when they come only.

 

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

 

 

Nope, he wishes we wouldn't see them ever

 

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

 

I tried but she doesn't want to hear from me so I stopped trying. I stay out of it. I feel badly the kids don't know this side of the family well but the more we learn about them the more we realize it's better that way

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

 

They called him this time on his birthday to say they were coming. It's so rare I have no idea what the normal is...she used to call me.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

 

No one pursues the relationship. We talk a few times a year b/c I ask about an older relative and dh will eventually call them. OR they call us to cry about us not visiting. Dh doesn't want to visit but won't tell them that so they get mad and don't call for another year.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

6 hours away.

[jar7709]

We live 1,000 miles away and in a different country than my MIL/FIL, plus there is a minor language barrier between me and them. We usually end up seeing them 2-3 times a year, but because of the distance they usually double up a visit to us with other purposes for coming down here south of the border. I don't initiate, MIL calls DH and tells him they are planning on coming down in X number of days or weeks. They usually stay in our home for a day or three when they come. Sometimes this can be inconvenient for us, especially since they often come during the work week, but I figure it's a trade-off since the visits are infrequent.

 

MIL does most of the pursuing, through DH. We have a fine relationship, (though I think it is actually improved because of the distance ;)), and I am lucky that she generally seems to approve of me. The heat is off me because she mostly gripes about a different DIL, for good reasons, but that's a story for a different thread! :lol:

Edited January 25, 2012 by jar7709

[elegantlion]

We're 4 hours away and they see each other if we go visit or she comes here. Normally she visits for the day as she sometimes has business in our area.

 

It's just her (FIL died many years ago) and she is not the babysitting kind of grandmother. She seems to enjoy her grandchildren once they are older, like teens and above. She has a good relationship with all of them, but we would never presume to call and have ds go spend time there alone. It just not the way the relationship works. She has a lot of wisdom about making choices for the future, and I'd like ds to spend some one-on-one time with her before he graduates. I think she'd be very helpful with college choices.

 

Now ds just spent 5 days with parents, a weekend turned into a long weekend due to car problems. I practically have to beg my parents to bring him home, but they've always been close.

[Laurie4b]

We live 7 hours away. My mil would rarely see our kids if we didn't initiate. They occasionally travel somewhere and stop by to see us on the way (like maybe every 3-5 years). It's weird because they have a niece who lives an hour from us and they will go to stuff she invites them to, but they don't drive down here just to see us. They have an open invitation and would always be welcome. We initiate the trips to their home. We are always welcome. It used to really make me sad, but I've stopped being upset about it. It's just the way it is.

 

If we lived close by, it would be different. I think she initiates with her other grandchildren, who do live nearby, but it's a two way street. She has over 20 grandkids, though, so it's not like ours are "critical" to the grandparenting experience.

 

If I answered a different question-- like what do I think is normal--- I would say that both parents and the grandparents or even the kids (when they get older) would initiate, just like any other relationship.

[Parrothead]

We are a country away from the in-laws so they visit here for a few weeks at a time. Otherwise I don't hear from her. She has dd's phone number and dd's email addy. If MIL or dh or dd don't initiate it I don't much bother.

[happyhomemaker]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

No.

Does your husband initiate the visits?

No, dh is a homebody. I'm the one that says,"Maybe we should visit your parents."

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

I usually email her. That goes for the times they come to see us (for kids' birthdays) as well.

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

I usually just get an email back saying they are glad we are coming or saying when they'll be up for the birthday party.

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

I do. MIL and FIL love seeing the children and love spending time with them, they just don't make the first move usually to get to see them.

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

3 hours away

[Stratford]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated? Typically my in-laws initiate visits, only because they live far, far away. We have given them a free pass to visit whenever possible and for however long they like. (Fortunately, I get along very well with my ILs.) We skype/call pretty often. On the other hand, we live very close to my parents (less than a mile) and my kids see them several times a week....my parents, my kids, and/or DH and I all initiate visits/contact.

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits? see above

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

6700 air miles give or take a few....this thread prompted me to look it up. :tongue_smilie: They are currently living overseas and don't anticipate moving back to the states for 4-5 more years.

[Sasharowan]

Since MIL lives 900 miles away, usually visits are decided by both dh and I and are 2 week vacations. She is unable to travel and can't hear well enough to talk on the phone, so the kids have little contact with her over all.

[mandymom]

My MIL usually does most of the initiating, but we reciprocate as well. My MIL's grandchildren are everything to her. She is involved in much of what they do, and my in-laws take all of their grandkids (8) for the weekend about once a month. My FIL is just as active in the grandkids lives as my MIL.

 

My mom lives further away, but still is generally the one who initiates contact. My dh's deceased first wife's mother (who we are extremely close to as well) also initiates most of the contact, however in both cases (mom and dh's first MIL), we reciprocate contact too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits? Sometimes

 

Does your husband initiate the visits? Sometimes

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it? Sometimes

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan? Either. Or sometimes she will call to say that they will be in the area and will stop by. Some visits are holidays or birthdays where we have a tradition of getting together with dh's family (my family is too far away). Sometimes dh or I want to have a date night or day and will call the ILs to see if they are available if the kids want to come over to hang out. Sometimes they will call to ask if the kids can come over - sometimes to help them out with a project.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship? We all do.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL? 20 min. car ride.

[elinnea]

My ILs live in a different country. They have plenty of time and money but they haven't seen the kids in a couple of years. They are computer literate but can't bring themselves to write the kids emails. They also don't send cards through the mail or call on the phone. They will Skype ocassionally if we initiate it. I send them photos of the kids but they never respond. They only remember my older ds's birthday but not my younger two. Even though I speak their langage fluently they only communicate through my dh.

 

This is a really sore subject for me and if it was wholly up to me we would have nothing to do with them because, at this point, my kids could pretty much care less. Dh, however, thinks it's important to retain a relationship with them.

 

We used to live right across the street from them and saw them more often but my MIL is not a kid person- she would only take the kids if FIL was going to be there. The one time she had to watch ds1 (because I was in the hospital with pregnancy complications with ds2) she made harrassing phone calls to me every day and accused me of faking preeclampsia.

[Ellie]

For the first 12 years, we lived in the same town as MIL. We saw her on a regular basis. I don't think we actually "handled" anything. Spending time with Grandma was just part of life.

 

My mother moved to Washington when the dc were little (we were in California). We saw her about once a year when we drove up there. I don't think she ever initiated any sort of conversation or anything with the dc between those visits. When dc were old enough, one would go up and spend a couple of weeks with her, then we'd drive up and spend another week, then all come home.

[saw]

My MIL lives thousands of miles away in another country. She doesn't initiate contact, unless it's a birthday card or similar. Neither does dh, except on rare occasions. I have learned it's foolish to start emailing -- MIL is the sort of person who will try to suck you in to her little world if you don't keep boundaries established (when ds homeschooled a couple of years ago, she found out and immediately suggested that the homeschooling be done via Skypd by her sister, a qualified teacher).

She has almost no contact with the dcs for months, but then comes up with the suggestion that I put one or more of them on the plane and send them to her for several weeks. Just today she suggested via dh that the oldest dds go visit Israel with her for a couple of weeks. DDs don't know her well at all and don't want to go, but are feeling the pressure from saying no to repeated requests (this is the third such suggestion since July, and MIL has probably communicated with dds about three times since that time). IOW, there is a good reason we live in a different country a ten-hour plane ride away!

[WeeBeaks]

MIL lives about 20 min away. She emails or calls me to set up a visit with a kid or two, and I check the calendar. She CCs DH on the email, but contacts me because I usually coordinate the kids' schedules. She usually takes one or two at a time on an outing. Kids and grandma love it. She usually does the routine initiating.

 

If there is a special event in the kids' lives, we contact them and invite. Like a play at the church, etc.

[EmilyK]

My in laws live in Georgia and we live in Oregon. I am very close to them, so MIL and I usually initiate the discussions. I plan farther in advance than my husband as well so it usually falls to me. Usually, we know we are welcome any time, so I initiate it when I see a time we can visit.

 

Often I visit without my husband -- I fly with my kids and visit for about a week. Sometimes he goes back by himself, especially if he can combine it with a business trip. Sometimes we all four go.

 

My MIL and I also plan joint vacations. Usually my husband is in on that planning, but probably more of those discussions in the nitty-gritty goes on directly with me and my MIL. My in-laws don't visit us that often but I'm over being bothered by that.

[Wheres Toto]

IL's live about 3 hours away. DH and MIL talk on the phone every Thursday night and will make any plans at that time. DH goes down about once a month with the kids for the weekend while I stay home and clean or just take a break. MIL takes ds for a week a few times a year. It was about once every other month until last fall when I wanted to get more structured with school so didn't want him taking as many breaks. He will be spending the week there in February when dh, oldest dd and I go away. Younger dd has never spent time with MIL without dh there and will be staying with my mother (15 minutes away from home) while we are away.

[Truscifi]

We live in a different state, about 9 hours away, but we visit frequently because it is both my and dh's home town and my parents and all our respective siblings live there as well. I usually call or email MIL to let her know when we will be in town and we schedule part of the visit to stay at her house. Sometimes if ds and I are going without dh so that I can help my parents with some work on their house, ds will go stay with MIL & FIL while I stay at my parents house. I get a lot more work done that way! Also, MIL will call and ask about specific dates for us to visit if there is a family event occurring. Basically, it is 50/50. I am blessed to have great in-laws though (we got off to a rocky start but have had a good relationship for several years now).

[Shellers]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated? Normally we'll run into MIL at our favorite restaurant. Other times, my wine collection will get to big and I'll need to clear it out. My oldest DD does high end catering part time and most events are at Napa Valley Wineries. She always gets at least one bottle of wine per job. We don't drink it. I end up giving it to MIL, she loves wine.

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits? No, my MIL enjoys talking about herself for hours on end. If she does ask the kids a question, MIL will find a way to redirect the conversation back to herself.

 

Does your husband initiate the visits? No, DH views his mom as my job. I get him "off the hook" by calling her every month or so.

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it? Yes, with the lure of free wine.

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan? If she calls, she will call me. My MIL makes my DH very nervous, he has to take her in very small doses.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship? I do.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL? MIL lives about 30 minutes away from my house.

 

MIL told my kids last time we saw her that if they ever need her she's "at the club every day at 3 pm". Nice, like my kids are going to walk 20+ miles to a bar to find grandma. LOL

[Violet Crown]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

We live in the same city as our extended families, and these things are awfully casual. (It helps that I have wonderful in-laws.) Usually someone calls someone else, and we decide on a time and place, with some not-very-rigorous rotation among the various houses.

[tex-mex]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

MIL lived in another state. She saw them 1-2x a year - Christmas visit was 2 weeks and a summer visit was 2-3 weeks.

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

No. She is kind but emotionally distant. And this is her only grandchild, which is very sad IMO.

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

No.

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

It was always up to me to work time to see in-laws. I was the "social director" and if I goofed up it was always my fault. :glare:

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

She would have loved to talk to me, but after 20+ years of this headache, I usually made my hubby plan it with his mom as they needed to work it out. Leave me out of it. ;)

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

Me. They have rarely visited our home. We have to drop everything and drive or fly in to see them. It is also expected if we are in crisis, they will not drop everything to help us. Even when dh had cancer 15 years ago and given not long to live. Or when ds was in a coma. We've always depended on friends as family is never there as support.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

11 hours away. But we just lost MIL to cancer this past year. I miss her very much -- even the side that drove me up the wall. LOL I wish she was more open to seeing her only grandchild is my only regret.

Edited January 26, 2012 by tex-mex

[Desert Rat]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

Very rarely, usually for ds8's soccer games.

Does your husband initiate the visits?

He tries, but she's not interested.

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

I used to but gave up when my oldest was around 2.

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

Neither.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

I tried getting her to be involved. She's not interested in a relationship. I tried hounding dh to get her involved. It didn't work either.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

10 minutes by car. :glare:

 

I know exactly what the problem is though. My kids were born with the wrong anatomy. She wanted girls. She was supremely unhappy when she found out their were boys and wanted me to "keep trying" for a girl. She wanted us to start TTC before we were married and at one point offered to pay us to have a child. We were married for 6 years before our first was born. I wanted another, but not to have a girl. It makes me really sad that she doesn't want to be a part of our lives. We are fun people! We see her on the kids birthdays, Christmas Eve and maybe 2 or 3 random times a year. She only stays less than an hour and makes an excuse to leave.

[Impish]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

She announces she's coming.

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

She travels to us, so I guess so.

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

No.

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

Dear God no.

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

Neither. She *tells* us when she's coming. We're expected to drop and run to accomodate her.

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

Her.

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

She's in another province.

[Dustybug]

This is a sore spot for me. :glare: My MIL lives 5 minutes from me, drives by our house several times a day, etc., but very, very RARELY ever stops by to see the children. We are expected to come to HER and if we don't she whines and complains that we never put forth effort to see her. Never mind that we only have one vehicle that my DH takes to work. Never mind that he works nights and MIL and FIL work days, so when they are home, I don't have transportation TO come see them. It's irrelevant to her. She still thinks that it is OUR fault that she doesn't see the kids that often.

 

I might be a little bitter about this.:tongue_smilie:

 

This is the woman who told me it was IMPOSSIBLE for her to come sit with our oldest 2 at our house when I went into labor with my 3rd. She said that we must wake them up, drag them over to her house in the middle of the night and let them stay there because it was just asking too much to have her come to our house so they could stay asleep in their own beds. Sheesh.

[3Blessings]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

We live in another country now, but when we lived 5 mins away she would sometimes pursue/sometimes I would.

Does your husband initiate the visits?

He often did; but sometimes I would

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

She did every now and then.

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

She would call me because I'm the one to schedule things.

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

It is fairly even between us.

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

My MIL is a nice lady, but we have little in common. My only real complaint is that when she has them (1 or 2 hours), we always come back to them in front of the T.V. eating some cookies/cake/other sweets. Dh reminds me to pick my battles.

[OrganicAnn]

My DH takes our DD to see his mother once a week usually on Saturday afternoon for 2 to 4 hours. She lives about 20 minutes from us. He will do things for her while there also (fix computer, work in yard, etc) and sometimes they will go out for lunch as a part of the visit.

 

I let DH and MIL do the planning. I will occasionally go along if that is what they want, but I like to have a little time home alone to get some projects done.

 

I get along okay with my MIL, but we are not close.

[LMD]

Can you tell me about how your children and your mother-in-law's seeing one other is generally initiated?

 

We generally all catch up for lunch weekly/fortnightly. If she wants to see the kids other than that she'll initiate. MIL will usually call and ask.

 

Does your MIL pursue the relationship with the kids/initiate visits?

 

Yes, she and FIL will ring and ask.

 

Does your husband initiate the visits?

 

Occasionally DH or I will initiate.

 

Do you call your MIL and initiate it?

 

Sometimes, call or text. MIL & I get along well so I have no issue calling her and asking if she wants to do something with the kids.

 

Does your MIL call your husband to set up the visit or does she call you to plan?

 

She'll usually call or text me, but DH doesn't have a mobile phone, but she knows I have to talk it over with DH first.

 

In short, who generally PURSUES the relationship?

 

Generally, IL's make a good effort.

 

And...how close do you live to your MIL?

 

20 minutes away

 

:)

[sewingmama]

DH initiates it because MIL doesn't initiate on her own.

 

I don't initiate because I'm too mad that she doesn't seem interested LOL - I take the stand -Well she knows where they are if she wants to form a relationship.

 

So DH initiates :D