mom31257 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Dd's assignment was to write a personal narrative paper with chronological paragraph organization being sure to utilize transition words. This was to be at least 3 paragraphs and did not need a formal introductory or concluding paragraph. It did suggest starting with an introductory sentence or two as well as doing the same for a conclusion. I know she has some comma errors with the transition words, but I would like some others feedback on the sentence structures and such. There are places I feel different wording would be better, but I'm not sure why. I do not feel very confident in proofreading, so I'm thankful for the English experts we have on this board! Thanks in advance for taking the time to look at it. One time my neighbors were leaving on a trip for a few weeks, and during that time they payed me fifty dollars to do a few things for them. The first thing I always did as soon as I came in was to take care of the cats' food supply. Their food was kept in the laundry room, so I would take out the container and scoop out just enough to last until I came back. Then I put the container back and went to the sink to refill all three of their water bowls. I had to fill them to the brim because the cats drank so much. Next I took the cup I had been using, put more water in it, and walked over to the kitchen island to water the plants. I always had to make sure their containers were full on the outside, and then the plant on the inside would use as much as it needed. Because it usually wasn't much, I would take whatever was left in the cup and pour it in to the hanging plant to keep it watered. Finally came the step I liked the least. I had to clean out the litter boxes. The one in the laundry room was always clean, but the laundry room was a different story. Still, I did my job and scooped out all I needed to, put it in a grocery store bag and tied it up. Then I took a quick look around the house to make sure everything was okay before I locked up, tossed the trash, and went home. It may not have been the greatest job in the world, but it was definitely worth fifty bucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 I feel like I came into the middle of a conversation by the way she started with the phrase "One time". She also repeats the word "time" in the same sentence and it is a bit redundant. She would have a better introductory sentence if she just left off the "One time" and started with "My neighbors". (There are ways to set it up even better with an introductory paragraph but you said that wasn't part of the assignment.) I'm confused: "The one in the laundry room was always clean but the laundry room was a different story." :confused: The laundry room itself was messy or did she (or you) type laundry room twice by mistake? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 I feel like I came into the middle of a conversation by the way she started with the phrase "One time". She also repeats the word "time" in the same sentence and it is a bit redundant. She would have a better introductory sentence if she just left off the "One time" and started with "My neighbors". (There are ways to set it up even better with an introductory paragraph but you said that wasn't part of the assignment.) I'm confused: "The one in the laundry room was always clean but the laundry room was a different story." :confused: The laundry room itself was messy or did she (or you) type laundry room twice by mistake? I thought that sentence was confusing, too. I'm glad I'm not off base. She's referring to two different litter boxes, one in the living room and one in the laundry room. She could definitely have made that more clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 The first sentence is awkward, not only because it feels, like Jean said, as though she was in the middle of something, but I would also reword the second part by linking during more clearly with their absence, rather than with payment, to get something like: "They payed me $50 to do certain things for them during their absence". Then she "jumps" too much in the sentence - she should introduce the fact that she was regularly getting to their house, and then explain how that went and what she did. I do not understand this part: I had to clean out the litter boxes. The one in the laundry room was always clean, but the laundry room was a different story. Still, I did my job [...] What is she trying to say? Why a different story? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choirfarm Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 I see the major problem with this paper as she is telling not showing. It is just a list of things with repetitive sentence structure. I took, I did, etc. Now, how you fix it. I always have trouble with this. I just had a wonderful 7th grade writing teacher give me several suggestions of books by Barry Lane and/or Fretchen Bernabei about how to add life to student writing. One title Why We Must Run with Scissors certainly peaks my interest. She is going to let me borrow a few to look at, so I'll let you know how they help the children to add life to their writings. Right now I have my kids vary their sentence structure: start with a prep phrase, a clause, etc. I might ask your child what he/she was thinking. Did she enjoy it? "This is going to be the easiest fifty dollars I've every made," I thought as I opened the neigbor's door. Leaving on a cruise for a few weeks, they left me in charge to take care of the cats and a few other chores. One of the cats met me at the door. "Hi sweetie. Let's find your food." She escorted me to the laundry room where I carefully scooped out just enough food to last until tomorrow. As soon as the food hit the bowl, the rest of the felines came running. See the difference? It isn't a list. It has life..well at least more life than the first example.. I'll let you know if I find some other techniques.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 I like all your suggestions. I think part of the problem with this assignment was that dd didn't want to do it. It was also during the time of the month she's the most moody! I'm going to have her rewrite it again with some suggestions you all have given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 I'm wondering why you are having a "born writer" as it says in your signature, do an assignment like this? It seems too simplistic for someone at her age unless it were someone who was struggling with writing. Yes, she had some trouble making it sparkle and didn't want to do it, but that might just be because of what she's being asked to do. (I hope it's not offensive to say this. This is just my impression based on the information I have.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted January 29, 2012 Author Share Posted January 29, 2012 I'm wondering why you are having a "born writer" as it says in your signature, do an assignment like this? It seems too simplistic for someone at her age unless it were someone who was struggling with writing. Yes, she had some trouble making it sparkle and didn't want to do it, but that might just be because of what she's being asked to do. (I hope it's not offensive to say this. This is just my impression based on the information I have.) I'm not offended at all. I like CLE for grammar in the upper grade and wanted to continue in for a couple of years in high school. The program includes some writing assignments, so I'm having her do those assignments as well as writing essays for literature and history. Because it did seem simple to me, I think I expected more. I call her a "born writer" because she enjoys it and does a lot on her own. She's written two fan fiction novels based on The Hunger Games and was nominated by her peers online as one of the best fan fiction writers on Scholastic's board. I know she's capable, so I need to be more specific in my own expectations of each assignment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choirfarm Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 I'm not offended at all. I like CLE for grammar in the upper grade and wanted to continue in for a couple of years in high school. The program includes some writing assignments, so I'm having her do those assignments as well as writing essays for literature and history. Because it did seem simple to me, I think I expected more. I call her a "born writer" because she enjoys it and does a lot on her own. She's written two fan fiction novels based on The Hunger Games and was nominated by her peers online as one of the best fan fiction writers on Scholastic's board. I know she's capable, so I need to be more specific in my own expectations of each assignment. Tell he to redo the assingment and pretend it is a small part of her fiction book... Or is there any part of the novels that she could use and just tweak a little bit for the assignment. That is one skill students have to learn is how to tweak assignments and make them something they would enjoy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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