The toddler who hits him/herself when mad

[Janie Grace]

My ds2 is very physical when angry. He'll throw crayons on the floor, a toy at the wall, rip and throw the piece of cheese I just gave him that he doesn't want, etc. This is disturbing in itself, just b/c I haven't had a kid be physically ANGRY like that (he's our fifth -- the others would get sad/whiny when denied what they wanted but not fire-spitting mad).

 

But what really concerns me is that he'll often hit himself. It's usually on his head, maybe on his thigh if he's sitting. Is this normal? Have you had a kid do this and did it indicate some bigger issue, or is it just a form of preschool tantruming?

 

(He also hits others when angry... sigh... we're working on it.) :(

[higginszoo]

My oldest would bang his head on the ground or wall. He was later diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and looking back, I think that this behavior was the early manifestation of it.

 

I'm not sure that there is anything that we could have done differently had we isolated the cause back then. He did start counseling and then medication when he was 9 that has helped tremendously, though I think that it is likely something that he will always have to deal with on some level.

 

At least the only time that he gave himself a concussion with this behavior, we were already at the pediatrician's office (m-i-l was one of the practitioners. We came to have lunch with her, but she was on the phone, which frustrated him and spurred an attack. His regular practitioner was in the next office and saw him do it, and evaluated/treated him right away.

[Rosie_0801]

My dd does that at times and the best thing to do is hold her really tightly until that part of the tantrum passes.

 

Rosie

[usetoschool]

I have/know of two toddlers that do this. One is now grown and worries and stresses easily but nothing that requires counseling or intervention - doesn't interfere with her life and she is slowly getting over the shyness and worrying. The other is still a baby. Both of them are VERY strong willed and opinionated and have a strong sense of right and wrong and strong emotions. In my experience it just comes with the territory with a strong willed/emotional child. I tried to "fix" it with the older and I think I messed her up more. Handling it differently with the younger. I try to watch for signs and not let her get to that point. When she does I walk away from the tantrum - trying to intervene just adds more stress and overloads her circuits even more. I do stop her from hitting herself (on the forehead in her case, it was banging her head on the floor with the first one) by holding her hand and saying I love "insert name here", don't hurt yourself, kiss her and walk away.

 

Not an expert but it seems somewhat common and maybe nothing to worry about, just watch for it and figure out how to diffuse it and help him get control of his feelings. Every kids is different but maybe there is something here that will help.

[cin]

My 10 yr old knows where to hit her nose to make it bleed. We're in counseling for Anxiety Disorder and she has Asperger's. Not trying to alarm you. I think 2 yrs is a bit young for diagnoses, but I wouldn't let it go past 4 or 5.

[Farrar]

One of my ds has always done this sort of thing occasionally. It's pretty mild, but I'll just put in that any time he hits himself (even from that young age) or says mean things about himself, I treat it exactly as if he hit someone else or called someone else names. I've always told him it's not okay to hit or call names, even about yourself. For him, this often nips it in the bud - he's very concerned about the "rules" and was even as a toddler. So I don't know that that would help every kid, but I thought I'd share that "reframing" of the issue that works for us.

 

ETA: The other thing I do, I realize, is always give an alternative. Hitting the pillow, kicking the wall, stomping, etc.

[Janie Grace]

I have/know of two toddlers that do this. One is now grown and worries and stresses easily but nothing that requires counseling or intervention - doesn't interfere with her life and she is slowly getting over the shyness and worrying. The other is still a baby. Both of them are VERY strong willed and opinionated and have a strong sense of right and wrong and strong emotions. In my experience it just comes with the territory with a strong willed/emotional child. I tried to "fix" it with the older and I think I messed her up more. Handling it differently with the younger. I try to watch for signs and not let her get to that point. When she does I walk away from the tantrum - trying to intervene just adds more stress and overloads her circuits even more. I do stop her from hitting herself (on the forehead in her case, it was banging her head on the floor with the first one) by holding her hand and saying I love "insert name here", don't hurt yourself, kiss her and walk away.

 

Not an expert but it seems somewhat common and maybe nothing to worry about, just watch for it and figure out how to diffuse it and help him get control of his feelings. Every kids is different but maybe there is something here that will help.

 

Strong-willed and emotional is RIGHT. This kid has opinions about *everything*. Now that he's talking, he's better in terms of his anger/frustration level... months 12-24 were rough. He wants to control his world and hates it when he is denied. I have a feeling he will NEVER be called "easy going," God love him.

 

For a while, he was just throwing himself on the floor and we would say "NO FIT, stand up" until he would... trying to show/train him that he CAN have control over his emotions and we will not just let him give vent to everything. Now I feel like I too easily acquiesce (or get one of the older kids to appease him). Then when it's "no" he is really ticked.

 

I will have to try walking away from the tantrum. I guess I have been afraid that's "allowing" it. I have been trying the approach of holding him and saying, "no, no, don't argue, it's okay" etc -- trying to "talk him down" or something. I have so little experience with this kind of child, I feel like I'm doing the toddler thing for the first time.

 

Yes, I need to be more attentive... to watch for it and diffuse it, helping him get control of his feelings, like you said. It feels like in the hubbub of life, his emotions escalate before I know what's happening and then we're dealing with throwing things, hurting himself, etc. I need to make this a higher priority in terms of my focus. Thanks so much for your input.

[Laurie4b]

My sister used to bang her head against the wall. She was also a biter. No diagnosable disorder as an adult.

[Janie Grace]

One of my ds has always done this sort of thing occasionally. It's pretty mild, but I'll just put in that any time he hits himself (even from that young age) or says mean things about himself, I treat it exactly as if he hit someone else or called someone else names. I've always told him it's not okay to hit or call names, even about yourself. For him, this often nips it in the bud - he's very concerned about the "rules" and was even as a toddler. So I don't know that that would help every kid, but I thought I'd share that "reframing" of the issue that works for us.

 

Thanks, that helps. He also hits his stuffed animals sometimes, and I have allowed it (because I thought, "well it's better than his brother"). But maybe it would be better to have a NO HITTING ANYONE rule, including self, others, inanimate objects, etc. Easier for him to get than trying to contextualize it.

 

He's not concerned about rules, but I still want him to learn that it's not okay to hit himself. So I am going to start saying "no hit" when he hits himself instead of just staring at him in bafflement...

[Janie Grace]

My 10 yr old knows where to hit her nose to make it bleed. We're in counseling for Anxiety Disorder and she has Asperger's. Not trying to alarm you. I think 2 yrs is a bit young for diagnoses, but I wouldn't let it go past 4 or 5.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. That must be so upsetting. I will keep an eye on signs of those things. He is pretty interactive socially but I have no idea what would indicate an anxiety disorder in a child. I'll read up a little just to be aware. Thanks.

[In2why]

One of my olders did this for a bit. It was another manifestation of a tantrum and I ignored it. He didn't get a reaction so he stopped. Now the real fun was when he learned to hold his breath until he actually passed out. It took a bit for our pediatrician to convince me that it was just a stage, and that every child will begin breathing once they pass out. He was my strongwilled boy and is a wonderful man today, but there were times, boy were there times :glare:

[Janie Grace]

One of my olders did this for a bit. It was another manifestation of a tantrum and I ignored it. He didn't get a reaction so he stopped. Now the real fun was when he learned to hold his breath until he actually passed out. It took a bit for our pediatrician to convince me that it was just a stage, and that every child will begin breathing once they pass out. He was my strongwilled boy and is a wonderful man today, but there were times, boy were there times :glare:

 

Oh thank you for posting. You don't know how encouraging it is to hear that he's a "wonderful man" now! Sometimes I look at this kid and think he's going to grow up to be the Hulk!

[Farrar]

It always is a bit scary when people post that the thing your kid is doing was an early sign of "issues" for their own dc. I'll put in that my ds7 who has this sometimes over the years is my mildly anxious kid, but I'll put the emphasis on the "mildly" for you. We've not felt the need to get any outside interventions for him or anything. :)

[Janie Grace]

It always is a bit scary when people post that the thing your kid is doing was an early sign of "issues" for their own dc. I'll put in that my ds7 who has this sometimes over the years is my mildly anxious kid, but I'll put the emphasis on the "mildly" for you. We've not felt the need to get any outside interventions for him or anything. :)

 

Thanks. That helps. I knew I'd get some stuff about it being a warning sign (not that I discount those stories; I know they are true) -- but I also wanted to hear from people whose kids don't have issues and did this (if they exist). Thanks for chiming in. I'm guessing it's more common than I thought... just not in my family til now.

[lionfamily1999]

Both of my sons did this... and so did I :p

 

My problem was that I was frustrated with me, iykwIm. I'd get mad at myself for getting mad... yeah, that makes sense :lol:

 

My older ds grew out of this (thank heavens!). He said the same thing, once he was old enough to explain. He was just mad at himself for being 'bad' and losing his temper.

 

My youngest is five and I can't remember the last time he did that. That seems to be around the time when we've all stopped....... until we became teens :D

 

ETA, dh did this too apparently. The poor boys didn't have a chance. Bad tempers run in the family (long fuses, big explosions). Looking at dh and myself, I'm happy to believe the boys' fuses will get longer as they grow older.

[hellen]

My four year old behaved that way when she was younger. Just as you experienced , the worst times were as a one year old. She has strong emotions and strong opinions. I'm happy to report that the older she gets, the easier she is to deal with. She doesn't hit herself or others anymore and she is working on her yelling and rage. I would not call her an anxious child.

[Sophia]

My youngest would bang his head on the floor when he was a toddler and tantrumming (is that a word?:tongue_smilie:)

 

He's my 6th child; I thought I knew what I was doing...and then he came along.

 

He is absolutely delightful now.

 

I'm not sure why his tantrums were so much more extreme than my other dc, but I'm sure glad he's past that stage.

[lailasmum]

My 7 yr old hits herself. She is a perfectionist but with a lazy streak so she can't live up to her own standards and gets really frustrated. She doesn't do it very often any more but she did it on friday. She has a few quirks but not severe enough I have ever thought she needs outside help.

[Renee in NC]

My 5yo is this way and it has gotten better as she has gotten older. We actually got thrown out of a building once because she had an all out screaming fit.:glare: (And, BTW, it was a place where they dealt with all kinds of psychological disorders.:tongue_smilie:)

 

She is much, much better now. Of course, since I said this, she will have problems today!:001_huh::lol:

[NanceXToo]

My now 11 year old daughter went through a very brief and very mild phase when she was a toddler of around 2 or so where she would get down on her hands and knees on the floor and start to bang her head on the floor if she was mad or upset about something. At first we would jump up and react to that and stop her, which I guess gave her attention and encouraged her to keep doing that for the reaction/attention it got.

 

When we mentioned it to the pediatrician, he said unless she's on a hard brick or concrete floor where she can really hurt herself, we should completely ignore her. Don't look at her, act like you don't even see her, get up and walk away the second she starts to do it and don't even acknowledge that she's doing it.

 

So the next time she did it, that's what we did, and of course she stopped what she was doing right away to come follow us, and that's when we gave her attention, in between times before she could start to do it again. It only took a very few times of that happening before she stopped doing it entirely and never did it again or anything else like it.

 

But this kid never had anger issues to begin with, was never destructive in any other way, never hurt anybody else, and never hurt herself in any other way, so it may be a totally different set of circumstances. I think to some degree it is common but when combined with other factors like hurting other people, getting angry very easily all the time, destroying things, it could be a sign of other problems. Then again, like somebody else said, two may be too young to "diagnose" that. Or it may not. Have you mentioned these things to your ped?

[fairfarmhand]

2 of my 4 would have fits like this. My 2nd child wasn't even walking when she would crawl over to where the tile hit the carpet and bang her head on the tile floor. Later she would bash into the wall. I treated it like any other tantrum. Simply ignored it.

 

dd2 outgrew it pretty quickly. Hasn't had a tantrum since she was 3-4.

 

Oldest would do things like dump her toy box and trash the room when she got upset, even up to ages 6-7. She then would later have to clean it all up. :)

 

2 normal kids now, oldest still has tantrums, but they are within the range of normal for a 14 yo. Door slamming (which is addressed) etc. My dh was like this, very intense. I tell my friends that dd1 was and is a great kid. Wonderful in fact....as long as she always gets her own way!

 

Hang in there. This is a pretty normal part of some kids' lives.

[mom2att]

I think that some kids just have a lower frustration level, and particularly in the toddler and preschooler stage when verbal skills haven't yet reached the point of being able to use words to express their feelings, these feelings tend to come out in a physical manner.

 

My middle one was like this. Threw things, hit himself, hit other people, pulled his hair, pulled his sister's hair . . . the worst was when he was about 2 - 5. Even as a baby he would ball up his fists and get all red in the face when he couldn't do something, like reach a toy he wanted. Definitely different from my other two, and from most other kids I'd known.

 

But really, it was a stage to get through. I found that typical discipline didn't work with this kid, either, and the best solution was to isolate him and help him learn to manage his frustration. He spent a lot of time in a "self-control" chair during that period, not so much as a punishment but more as a means for him to just be alone and gain control of himself.

 

FWIW, he's 11 now and a really great kid. He still has a tendency to get frustrated with himself when he doesn't do something "right" or "perfect," but if you have a perfectionist personality, that's something you have to learn to deal with, which is what parenting this kind of kid is about, I'm learning.

 

A couple of book recommendations that really helped me understand my son:

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

 

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene

 

It's definitely humbling when you think you have it all figured out as a parent to have a kid like this come along. But mine has taught me more about parenting than my other two put together, and has definitely given me a lot of empathy for other parents. Hang in there with yours--I remember being very worried about how physical my son was because I knew that he was going to be bigger than me someday. Turns out he just needed time, patience, and direction as he learned to express himself in more appropriate ways. He is not at all physical or violent now--quite the opposite.

[jelbe5]

My older dd and son were head bangers as children. I would restrain them and give them a sharp "NO!". They did outgrow it. They were easily frustrated when younger.

 

Apparently my dh was a head banger, also. He turned out okay!:tongue_smilie:

[Scarlett]

My 7 yr old hits herself. She is a perfectionist but with a lazy streak so she can't live up to her own standards and gets really frustrated. She doesn't do it very often any more but she did it on friday. She has a few quirks but not severe enough I have ever thought she needs outside help.

 

Wow, that line so describes my ds11. I've always thought it was such a contradiction of qualities! I've had conversations with him about putting in the work/effort if he wants to be good/great at something but alas....he would rather play with his legos!

[Terabith]

I think the physical aspects to the 2 year old tantrums is pretty normal, to be honest. I think you may have just have been blessed with a bunch of really laid back toddlers before this one! :D The hitting self is annoying, but at two, I would not worry about it. I would just isolate and walk away. Don't know if that's the ideal response; I guess it depends on how "in control" he is. It's one thing if he's mad and trying to get attention, etc, and another if he is so out of control that he CAN'T calm himself down, know what I mean? But for what it's worth, I'm guessing he's just mad and responding physically, and the fact that he's two is the main reason for this. He just doesn't have much impulse control. I would at least try the walking away and ignoring thing.

[Janie Grace]

I think the physical aspects to the 2 year old tantrums is pretty normal, to be honest. I think you may have just have been blessed with a bunch of really laid back toddlers before this one! :D The hitting self is annoying, but at two, I would not worry about it. I would just isolate and walk away. Don't know if that's the ideal response; I guess it depends on how "in control" he is. It's one thing if he's mad and trying to get attention, etc, and another if he is so out of control that he CAN'T calm himself down, know what I mean? But for what it's worth, I'm guessing he's just mad and responding physically, and the fact that he's two is the main reason for this. He just doesn't have much impulse control. I would at least try the walking away and ignoring thing.

 

Yes, I think it's the former. He's not a whirling dervish of rage, he's just having a little hissy fit. I think I can walk away/ignore and he wouldn't go ballistic or hurt himself. I'll try it.

[Janie Grace]

I think that some kids just have a lower frustration level, and particularly in the toddler and preschooler stage when verbal skills haven't yet reached the point of being able to use words to express their feelings, these feelings tend to come out in a physical manner.

 

My middle one was like this. Threw things, hit himself, hit other people, pulled his hair, pulled his sister's hair . . . the worst was when he was about 2 - 5. Even as a baby he would ball up his fists and get all red in the face when he couldn't do something, like reach a toy he wanted. Definitely different from my other two, and from most other kids I'd known.

 

But really, it was a stage to get through. I found that typical discipline didn't work with this kid, either, and the best solution was to isolate him and help him learn to manage his frustration. He spent a lot of time in a "self-control" chair during that period, not so much as a punishment but more as a means for him to just be alone and gain control of himself.

 

FWIW, he's 11 now and a really great kid. He still has a tendency to get frustrated with himself when he doesn't do something "right" or "perfect," but if you have a perfectionist personality, that's something you have to learn to deal with, which is what parenting this kind of kid is about, I'm learning.

 

A couple of book recommendations that really helped me understand my son:

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

 

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene

 

It's definitely humbling when you think you have it all figured out as a parent to have a kid like this come along. But mine has taught me more about parenting than my other two put together, and has definitely given me a lot of empathy for other parents. Hang in there with yours--I remember being very worried about how physical my son was because I knew that he was going to be bigger than me someday. Turns out he just needed time, patience, and direction as he learned to express himself in more appropriate ways. He is not at all physical or violent now--quite the opposite.

 

THANK YOU! That was really helpful. I am going to reserve those at my library right now. I really appreciate the recommendations, and that you have BTDT. Was your "self control chair" in his room or in a common area?

 

I think the language key is a big deal. He seems to be smart (just turned two and knows some colors/letters already) but he doesn't have great verbal skills. He seems frustrated with his life. :001_rolleyes:

[SweetMissMagnolia]

kiddo hasn't thrown things yet but he does hit his head when he's angry--

[Chris in VA]

I would just ignore it, but I'd also be on the lookout to see if there are any other sensory-seeking behaviors. I knew some preschoolers (3-4yos) who head-banged and pinched themselves, and sure enough, they were on the sensory-seeking end of things.

But that's just anecdotal. 2 is pretty young to figure all that out.