Jean in Newcastle Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 With the smoking, you might be dealing with addiction if he's been doing it awhile now. So it's going to be difficult for him to want to give it up. I don't have advice on how to handle this but perhaps others will. I don't know if a ped. would know of ways to help a young person quit smoking. And I don't know if it is advisable to even ask. I'd let him have whatever isn't directly hurting him right now. If he's using his computer in a healthy way (no porn, no violent games, no internet interaction with strangers etc.) then I would let him have it. In fact, I'd try to use that as a bridge to him - esp. if dh could play some of his favorite games with him. Keeping him home with you is going to be hard on everyone, but it really is what he needs. If he's home with you, he isn't going to be able to do self destructive things. Being home with you right now is more about keeping him safe than about him participating fully or happily with the family. Hopefully once some of his addictions to the self destructive behaviors are extinguished then he might gradually reach out to the others in the family. I would however have ground-rules so that while he doesn't have to be sunshine and roses, he isn't toxic to others in the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 My biggest thing is he has a cell phone, iPad, tv w/ cable, xbox w/ video games all in his room. That's not a punishment, ifykwim? Dss9 told us that he smoked in front of him and their mom? :001_huh: So I'm guessing hanging out with the bad crowd isn't exactly new. Dh and I never knew this. He use to play basketball and soccer. He was even in scouts. Dh has talked to him about his future and he said he's not going to college. He hasn't really expressed an interests besides video games, his cell phone and the internet. Sounds like my ds13 only he plans on going to college(which is unlikely to happen due to his issues). He will be doing an apprenticeship through high school, he will be earning money, learning a trade and when he graduates will have a solid job to turn to. Not to mention the benefits of a kid like that using his hands for a project. Has he said WHY he thinks he is not going to college? He is so young to be smoking and drinking etc already. Does he have adhd or other learning disorders? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 My biggest thing is he has a cell phone, iPad, tv w/ cable, xbox w/ video games all in his room. That's not a punishment, ifykwim? Dss9 told us that he smoked in front of him and their mom? :001_huh: So I'm guessing hanging out with the bad crowd isn't exactly new. Dh and I never knew this. He use to play basketball and soccer. He was even in scouts. Dh has talked to him about his future and he said he's not going to college. He hasn't really expressed an interests besides video games, his cell phone and the internet. Congrats on your pregnancy! That is great. I think I would pull the cell, no TV in any bedrooms, or XBox with games, Ipad only in the main area of the house with a filter. But that is me. Our family limits access to technology. Have you found a sports team for him or a scout troop. Either might be a great way for dh and him to connect outside of family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 22, 2012 Author Share Posted January 22, 2012 With the smoking, you might be dealing with addiction if he's been doing it awhile now. So it's going to be difficult for him to want to give it up. I don't have advice on how to handle this but perhaps others will. I don't know if a ped. would know of ways to help a young person quit smoking. And I don't know if it is advisable to even ask. I'd let him have whatever isn't directly hurting him right now. If he's using his computer in a healthy way (no porn, no violent games, no internet interaction with strangers etc.) then I would let him have it. In fact, I'd try to use that as a bridge to him - esp. if dh could play some of his favorite games with him. Keeping him home with you is going to be hard on everyone, but it really is what he needs. If he's home with you, he isn't going to be able to do self destructive things. Being home with you right now is more about keeping him safe than about him participating fully or happily with the family. Hopefully once some of his addictions to the self destructive behaviors are extinguished then he might gradually reach out to the others in the family. I would however have ground-rules so that while he doesn't have to be sunshine and roses, he isn't toxic to others in the family. I wonder if his doctor will have any suggestions, I'm not sure what would happen if you brought that up to the doctor for a minor? I'm worried he'd get an MIP. I just realized we should go through his internet history.. I totally didn't think about that. Sounds like my ds13 only he plans on going to college(which is unlikely to happen due to his issues). He will be doing an apprenticeship through high school, he will be earning money, learning a trade and when he graduates will have a solid job to turn to. Not to mention the benefits of a kid like that using his hands for a project. Has he said WHY he thinks he is not going to college? He is so young to be smoking and drinking etc already. Does he have adhd or other learning disorders? He just said he doesn't like school. I'm not really sure if that's true because he he's never gotten lower then B on his report cards (we got his school records). So I know he's smart. He doesn't have any learning disorders that we're aware of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 22, 2012 Author Share Posted January 22, 2012 Congrats on your pregnancy! That is great. I think I would pull the cell, no TV in any bedrooms, or XBox with games, Ipad only in the main area of the house with a filter. But that is me. Our family limits access to technology. Have you found a sports team for him or a scout troop. Either might be a great way for dh and him to connect outside of family. :grouphug: Thank you! We really don't limit technology, my teens all have cell phones and tv's and internet access in their room. We may be able to get him on the Rec basketball team, I'm not sure if he wants to play on it though. There isn't a scout troop for his age group around here that I know of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 (edited) NM. Edited January 22, 2012 by TXBeth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I wonder if his doctor will have any suggestions, I'm not sure what would happen if you brought that up to the doctor for a minor? I'm worried he'd get an MIP. I just realized we should go through his internet history.. I totally didn't think about that. He just said he doesn't like school. I'm not really sure if that's true because he he's never gotten lower then B on his report cards (we got his school records). So I know he's smart. He doesn't have any learning disorders that we're aware of. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. I know what it is like to be living like that in your own home, only it is my bio-son that acts like it is him against the world and thinks of us as the enemy. Thankfully he is not drinking/smoking etc yet, I can just imagine how hard that must be see happening. Chris in Va may have some ideas to help you, she has been amazing dealing with her ds and I have gathered so much wisdom and strength from her posts. ETA: although he is rude to your older kids do you think if your ds17 tried to take dss12 under his wing and hang out as buddies, or shoot hoops or something that it might start getting through to him that the family is there to love him? Maybe if it didn't feel to him like you were trying to replace his mom, but instead let him bond with the oldest boy? I don't know just grasping at straws here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Thank you! We really don't limit technology, my teens all have cell phones and tv's and internet access in their room. We may be able to get him on the Rec basketball team, I'm not sure if he wants to play on it though. There isn't a scout troop for his age group around here that I know of. Most LDS wards have scout troops starting at age 12 anybody is welcome to join the troop. There might be other denominations with scout troops as well as school sponsored ones.. I would contact your local council and find out what troops are available. I am sure they are out there. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 22, 2012 Author Share Posted January 22, 2012 Really? This is your 4th teenager and it never occurred to you that restricting internet in the bedroom or checking history regularly might be a good idea? :glare: Not trying to be mean, just filing this away in my head alongside the other things that don't make sense in your posts. My 3 oldest and I have had discussions about different things on the internet. Maybe I'm naive but I honestly don't believe they would use the internet in a wrong way. I just didn't think about it w/ dss12. And what doesn't make sense in my posts? :confused: I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. I know what it is like to be living like that in your own home, only it is my bio-son that acts like it is him against the world and thinks of us as the enemy. Thankfully he is not drinking/smoking etc yet, I can just imagine how hard that must be see happening. Chris in Va may have some ideas to help you, she has been amazing dealing with her ds and I have gathered so much wisdom and strength from her posts. ETA: although he is rude to your older kids do you think if your ds17 tried to take dss12 under his wing and hang out as buddies, or shoot hoops or something that it might start getting through to him that the family is there to love him? Maybe if it didn't feel to him like you were trying to replace his mom, but instead let him bond with the oldest boy? I don't know just grasping at straws here. Thank you for all your advice. That is a really good idea, I'm going to have ds17 go ask if he wants to. It is kind of cold out but ds17 plays basketball in this weather all the time :tongue_smilie: Most LDS wards have scout troops starting at age 12 anybody is welcome to join the troop. There might be other denominations with scout troops as well as school sponsored ones.. I would contact your local council and find out what troops are available. I am sure they are out there. :grouphug: I will definitely call! They're probably out there I just don't know of any off hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Have you tried sitting down with just him and talking (maybe take him out for a meal and talk to him in the car, just the two of you). Even if he won't talk to you it might help for him to hear you say you know the changes that are being thrust upon him are miserable and unfair. Tell him you aren't there to replace his mom and you are very sorry he has to go through this but are willing to do whatever you can to help him if he will work with you and then ask him what might make it easier for him. It couldn't hurt and might help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.