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Vent.. and prayer request. (dss12 & dh)


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Dss12 still won't say a word to me (except some not so nice ones.) He doesn't talk to my older kids either.. He's starting to build a relationship with dh and he interacts with my younger kids. Dh gets mad at me for being upset about it... When dss12 was doing it to him he was upset too.

 

Dd13 told me that dss12 hangs out with the bad kids at the middle school. She said she saw someone give him a cigarette. She also knows he has a girlfriend. She's heard rumors about some other things. Dss12 went over his friends house last weekend and slept over. He went again last night and he's staying over again tonight. He came home acting hungover last weekend. I didn't think it was a good idea in the first place but dh told me that it wasn't up to me. Then dh let him go over there again last night and stay there again tonight :confused: I feel like dh is trying to be his friend, not his parent which is really what he needs right now. Dh gets mad at me any time I try to offer my opinion on anything related to dss12.

 

Now dh has the idea of putting him in private school next year. The private school has a 3 day week (sometimes 2). That means I'd be responsible to make him get his homework done. How am I suppose to do that when he doesn't even talk to me? It's not like he'll just do it on his own either. He doesn't want to go to the private school either. I told dh that I'm sorry but I don't think it'd be a good idea unless there are some major changes between now and then. I don't know why we would put him in the school.

 

Dss12 is constantly saying mean things to me and my kids, I'm so sick of it. Dh does nothing. Ugh, I can't even stand to be at my own house sometimes. This is causing major problems between dh & I. (I think that's what dss12 wants) He expects me to sit back and let things I know are wrong continue to go on. I just can't do it. He parents my older kids, Heck they call him dad and think of them as their dad. That's been an issue too, My older 3 are very upset with him and can't believe what's going on. He's stricter on them then I am. :crying: It's just a mess. If you could say a prayer that there are some drastic changes that would be greatly appreciated

 

Sorry this post is a jumbled up mess and if you read it thank you for listening..

 

ETA: Update in post 39

Edited by Laura in MI
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:grouphug: I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Things will shake out. :grouphug:

 

ETA: How are the littler stepkids adjusting? Does your DH have any friends or relatives around he might be more inclined to listen to? Do you think he feels guilty about being away from the stepkids for so long?

Edited by dragons in the flower bed
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I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

Edited by Catwoman
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Can you guys get into family counseling ASAP?

 

I also bet in his own way that 12dss is trying to push you away as hard as her can as YOU are competition for bio mom where dh isn't. Often kids feel that if they start to like you they are disloyal to the birth mom (not exactly the right word but I hope you know what I mean).

 

Sounds like dh needs to step up and take charge and let him know that while he does not have to love you and you are not there to replace bio mom that he WILL respect you as dh's wife. He needs the structure as well as letting him get away with things is the same as "not caring" in many kids eyes.

 

I know that this isn't the same situation but you might find some help/support from local foster/adoptive parents and counselors in your area.

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I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

 

12 is still young enough to turn him around. I waited too long, and now, at 21, my son and I are still trying to patch things up. His father (not my Dh) and I went through the same stuff.

 

I know it's a Catholic book, but I really wish I had it when I was in your shoes. Parenting with Grace. It's about the best parenting book I've ever read, so if you have to skim the Catholic stuff, skim it.

 

IN the mean time, don't let him go anywhere, and love him. Don't punish him (even Dh-yet) until after you read the book. But you can't let him get deeper, either. He's in pain, he's hurting and he doesn't know how to help himself or effect the change he needs. Every time you look at him, see him as a person crippled with pain. He's 12. I have a 12 yo now, and they really aren't as big as they'd like to think they are. And if his parents won't help, then God gave this kid to YOU, so YOU would. :grouphug:

 

Bend over backwards to think of something you can do to reconnect with him, just bide some time until you can read the book and get ideas that apply to your own situation more.

 

If you can't afford it, I'll buy it for you.

Edited by justamouse
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Another vote for family counseling here - you have so many challenging dynamics going on.

 

Around here there is counseling which is specifically geared to helping blended families "blend". Maybe something similar exists in your area??

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne

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Are you in family/marriage counseling? If not, that's what I would suggest. There are a lot of layers here, and no amount of internet support is going to be helpful.

 

Prayers for you and your family.:grouphug:

Ditto. Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are trying so hard to create a nice family.

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:grouphug: I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Things will shake out. :grouphug:

 

ETA: How are the littler stepkids adjusting? Does your DH have any friends or relatives around he might be more inclined to listen to? Do you think he feels guilty about being away from the stepkids for so long?

 

They are doing well considering the situation. They love being back with dh. They are not mean to me or my other kids at all. I think it's because they like being part of a "normal" family (they're mom's house was Chaos). He might listen to my FIL, If I asked him to talk to dh. I hadn't thought of that. I don't think he feels guilty because he knows he tried to get them, I just think he's scared of dss12 hating him or being mean to him.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

 

I don't know If I could actually threaten that.. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have my kids taken 2,500 miles away. I think he's trying his hardest to build a relationship with dss12 and he doesn't want to put his foot down because he doesn't want dss12 to get mad at him. I'm not exactly sure how to get the point across to dh but I don't want to approach it that way..

 

:iagree:

 

 

12 is still young enough to turn him around. I waited too long, and now, at 21, my son and I are still trying to patch things up. His father (not my Dh) and I went through the same stuff.

 

I know it's a Catholic book, but I really wish I had it when I was in your shoes. Parenting with Grace. It's about the best parenting book I've ever read, so if you have to skim the Catholic stuff, skim it.

 

IN the mean time, don't let him go anywhere, and love him. Don't punish him (even Dh-yet) until after you read the book. But you can't let him get deeper, either. He's in pain, he's hurting and he doesn't know how to help himself or effect the change he needs. Every time you look at him, see him as a person crippled with pain. He's 12. I have a 12 yo now, and they really aren't as big as they'd like to think they are. And if his parents won't help, then God gave this kid to YOU, so YOU would. :grouphug:

 

Bend over backwards to think of something you can do to reconnect with him, just bide some time until you can read the book and get ideas that apply to your own situation more.

 

If you can't afford it, I'll buy it for you.

 

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to look at it that way. How do I not let him go anywhere? Dh won't listen to me.. Any ideas of how to reconnect with him? I have no idea where to even start.. I bought the book for my kindle, I'm going to try to read it today.

 

 

All of the step kids are in counseling separately and dh is in family counseling with the 3 of them. I think dh & I should go to marriage counseling and we should all go to family counseling.. but I don't know if we can afford it all.

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Thanks for the advice, I'm going to look at it that way. How do I not let him go anywhere? Dh won't listen to me.. Any ideas of how to reconnect with him? I have no idea where to even start.. I bought the book for my kindle, I'm going to try to read it today.

 

 

All of the step kids are in counseling separately and dh is in family counseling with the 3 of them. I think dh & I should go to marriage counseling and we should all go to family counseling.. but I don't know if we can afford it all.

 

Cooking? Can you ask him to help you cook something? Be there with him, though, it's not as a chore. Look for every opportunity to get him to help you. HELP you, not a chore, not a punishment, but can you help me?

 

Can you guys watch some crazy movies together? Playing and working together bond you. But it's the together thing, so it's not that they're doing it alone. Dh needs to plug in, too, but you can't MAKE him and that's hard. So this might be up till you until he gets it. He does love his kid, though, and you have to know that. He's not not doing something because he doesn't want to, he's not doing something because he doesn't know what to do. So drop down to the love, and start to reconnect there.

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I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

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I think he's trying his hardest to build a relationship with dss12 and he doesn't want to put his foot down because he doesn't want dss12 to get mad at him. I'm not exactly sure how to get the point across to dh but I don't want to approach it that way..

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I honestly think you are missing the big picture here. The big problem is not your dss. The big problem is your dh's lack of respect for you.

 

If he won't put his foot down with his dss, he is choosing the boy over you, your feelings, and your rights as his wife.

 

If he insists that his son treat you with respect (or at the very least, polite civility,) things will change in your house. If he refuses to do that, I think you are seriously overestimating his character as a husband -- and things will never change unless your dh instigates that change. You can see all of the counselors in the world, but if your dh doesn't seriously believe that you deserve respect, any amount of therapy will be a waste of your time and money.

 

I don't mean to turn this into a husband-bashing thread, and I understand that your dh loves his son and wants a good relationship with him, but he needs to hear from you, in no uncertain terms, that he is hurting you very much by not standing up for you to his son. I'm sure your dh doesn't intend to hurt you, but you are being hurt, and it must stop.

 

You are already going above and beyond what many wives would do in your situation. Your dh should appreciate that, and do whatever it takes to make you happy.

Edited by Catwoman
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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I honestly think you are missing the big picture here. The big problem is not your dss. The big problem is your dh's lack of respect for you.

 

If he won't put his foot down with his dss, he is choosing the boy over you, your feelings, and your rights as his wife.

 

If he insists that his son treat you with respect (or at the very least, polite civility,) things will change in your house. If he refuses to do that, I think you are seriously overestimating his character as a husband -- and things will never change unless your dh instigates that change. You can see all of the counselors in the world, but if your dh doesn't seriously believe that you deserve respect, any amount of therapy will be a waste of your time and money.

 

I don't mean to turn this into a husband-bashing thread, and I understand that your dh loves his son and wants a good relationship with him, but he needs to hear from you, in no uncertain terms, that he is hurting you very much by not standing up for you to his son. I'm sure your dh doesn't intend to hurt you, but you are being hurt, and it must stop.

 

You are already going above and beyond what many wives would do in your situation. Your dh should appreciate that, and do whatever it takes to make you happy.

 

:iagree: (said as gently as possible)

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I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

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Cooking? Can you ask him to help you cook something? Be there with him, though, it's not as a chore. Look for every opportunity to get him to help you. HELP you, not a chore, not a punishment, but can you help me?

 

Can you guys watch some crazy movies together? Playing and working together bond you. But it's the together thing, so it's not that they're doing it alone. Dh needs to plug in, too, but you can't MAKE him and that's hard. So this might be up till you until he gets it. He does love his kid, though, and you have to know that. He's not not doing something because he doesn't want to, he's not doing something because he doesn't know what to do. So drop down to the love, and start to reconnect there.

 

:iagree:

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Speaking as a now-adult step child and as a mother I would say that you and your DH need to be on the same page about parenting all of the kids first and foremost. When one parent in the same home does things differently than another parent in the same home it means emotional chaos for the child.

 

The next step I would do were I in your place is to make a relationship with the step-son. It is hellish for a child to have this stranger come into the home and make a ton of changes and to boss around said kid. For the child it makes no sense that the stranger, married or not, changes things to a different way when things were fine - to them- in the original way. Please set aside some time each week to spend just you and your step-son. You could start off by going to sports games. Not much talking happens, but it's time together. Now, this is heavy projection for me but with my step-mother she just never tried. It was her way or the highway and guess which I choose? Yep, my Mom. The same can happen with your step-son - he can choose to leave.

 

As for the drinking, the next time he goes over to spend the night make a surprise visit. Find out for sure. See if you can take a cop and do a breathalyzer on him. If he's drinking alcohol then you and your husband need to break out a can of kick-booty on him IMNSHO.

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Can you guys get into family counseling ASAP?

 

 

:iagree:You and hubby need to stand together, or this will not work. That said, I know a couple who went through this and the counselor finally said they had to send the 13 year old to "away" school. Summer vacation was spent a with an aunt's family. After a year of mess and rage and worsening behavior, she was going to split the family up. It wasn't fair to all the other sibs. She (grown up) gets along with everyone now, but they don't live near each other, and if she's into troubling things, it isn't apparent.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'd be crying myself to sleep in your position. I wish you great strength.

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My sister just called me and asked if dss 7 & 9 and ds's 5 & 3 could sleep over their house. They've been there all day playing with my nephews. This worked out perfectly. Dd14 & dd13 are going to a sleepover at friends house at 5:30 and ds17 isn't home either. I called dh (he's out doing some work on our rental properties) and told him that none of the kids we're going to be home and we need to talk and he said okay.

 

Now I'm just hoping I can get it through to him..

 

ETA: Thanks for all the advice, I don't know anybody who has dealt with anything like this..

 

ETA again: Elizabeth in MN, I don't think we would actually take a cop with us, then he'd get an MIP and it would ruin a lot. I don't think I'd do that to him.

Edited by Laura in MI
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My sister just called me and asked if dss 7 & 9 and ds's 5 & 3 could sleep over their house. They've been there all day playing with my nephews. This worked out perfectly. Dd14 & dd13 are going to a sleepover at friends house at 5:30 and ds17 isn't home either. I called dh (he's out doing some work on our rental properties) and told him that none of the kids we're going to be home and we need to talk and he said okay.

 

Now I'm just hoping I can get it through to him..

 

ETA: Thanks for all the advice, I don't know anybody who has dealt with anything like this..

 

That's excellent news! I'm sure it will be a lot easier to talk with your dh without the kids around. Maybe you could go out to dinner, too -- sometimes it's easier to talk about serious things when you're away from the house.

 

I hope it goes well for you -- I hate to see you in such a bad situation. I'm very encouraged that your dh is willing to talk, and I'm hoping that if you can calmly explain your concerns, he will be able to see your side of things, and you'll be able to work toward a solution together.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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If he won't put his foot down with his dss, he is choosing the boy over you, your feelings, and your rights as his wife.

I'm sorry to sound disagreeable, but I was a good kid who's parent stressed this, and it wasn't good. There's room for respect on both sides, but I have to say that as a kid, the situation was made more difficult by the new woman of the house who demanded that my dad make it clear that he was choosing her over his children, and that her rights took precedence over ours. Reread that: Her rights as a wife took precedence over our rights as children. *Children*.

 

As a kid, I felt betrayed, and there was no getting around the fact that it was a vicious cycle. The more she demanded her rights, the more he conceded her point, the more it was pointedly demonstrated to us kids that we were now in second place, and we considered ourselves an afterthought behind a woman we'd just met. The more that was proven, the more sad we became, and the unhappier we were, the more impossible it became for us to adjust to all the changes the adults inflicted upon us. Absolutely there needs to be respect among ALL family members, but the way to earn that is not by making absolutely sure that everyone knows the new woman is in first place.

 

Boundaries for behavior, yes. But please don't go into this with the attitude that your rights are being trampled upon and that your dh had better prove that he's choosing you. There's a happy medium with that, I think. Yeah, you are not being treated well right now, but this is all about choices that *adults* made. The kids are really at the mercy of adults seeking their own happiness.

 

ETA: Clearly things need to change in the household, but more strife isn't the way. Adults taking the high road, demonstrating maturity, that might help. Go for your noblest, kindest, and most gentle self, and set the example. By that I don't mean be a doormat, but definitely be the mature one by showing the best of your character. :grouphug:

Edited by Julie in CA
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So he expects you to have to comment about dss about anything but then wants to put the burden on you for his homework etc? And he allows dss to disrespect you and your kids without a comment to this boy that it is unacceptable to treat you guys like that? Am I understanding that right?

 

:grouphug: this is not a good situation. Does your dss live there fulltime? or is he only there on weekends? or p/t or what?

 

Right now it comes down to you and your dh, yes it sucks your dss is doing this garbage but until you and your dh are on the same page nothing will change. YOu need to make it very clear what your expectations of him as a husband in this situation is. So focus on things like, him allowing dss to say nasty things to you and your kids. You need to tell your dh it is his responsibility to tell dss that he may NOT speak that way to you guys and enforce that. The kid is into trouble but your dh is right at this point it is not your responsibility, but you are not obligated to be treated like garbage just because your dh doesn't want to be the bad guy with dss. The same for your kids. I would make it abundantly clear that as long as your dss is living in the home with you guys you expect that all members of the family will be spoken to respectfully. If he doesn't want to talk to you no problem, at least he is not saying nasty things. I would also tell your dh that there was no way you are taking on the responsibility for your dss homework etc until he acknowledges and supports you having input into other aspects of parenting dss while he is under your roof.

 

I can't imagine how hard this would be for you. I am a raving b*tch when it comes to that stuff and would have dh and dss out on their a$$ if he allowed dss to continue to disrespect me and my kids under my own roof. I would expect my own kids to treat dh and dss with respect as well. But I would not continue to live ina situation that made me feel like I was unwelcome in my own home. I am NOT telling you to leave your dh, just saying what my reaction would be if my dh did not make changes after we have talked, been to counselling etc.

 

I think you and dh need to really sit down and talk away from the kids and home, perhaps with a counsellor about this situation and get on the same page. Blending families is really hard, but the key to it working is both parents being on the same page so teh kids learn they can not play one against the other. That is true in all families, whether together, apart or blended, but I think it is easier for kids to do that in blended because the step-parent has no true ties to the child and it is easy for that child to play that up kwim. :grouphug:

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I'm sorry to sound disagreeable, but I was a good kid who's parent stressed this, and it wasn't good. There's room for respect on both sides, but I have to say that as a kid, the situation was made more difficult by the new woman of the house who demanded that my dad make it clear that he was choosing her over his children, and that her rights took precedence over ours. Reread that: Her rights as a wife took precedence over our rights as children. *Children*.

 

But you were a good kid. This child is nasty and disrespectful, and it also sounds like he has chosen very questionable friends. It's a totally different situation. The father will not discipline the child for his horrendous behavior, and he won't let her do it, either. This is not a case of "good kids, bad stepmom." I think Laura gets along just fine with her other stepkids -- she even homeschools them, so it's really all about this one child, and I don't agree that this boy should be permitted to be abusive to Laura just because he doesn't like living with her. It sounds like he has never even given her a chance, and Laura's dh isn't helping matters by accepting his poor behavior and lousy attitude toward her.

 

I don't think this is about Laura's rights as a wife taking precedence over the stepkids' "rights as children." Do you honestly think that part of her dss's "rights" includes being nasty and abusive toward Laura? Sorry, I'm just not seeing her as the Evil Stepmother here. She is trying her best to create a happy home for a large, blended family, and I believe she deserves her dh's full support in that effort.

 

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. :)

Edited by Catwoman
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But you were a good kid. This child is nasty and disrespectful, and it also sounds like he has chosen very questionable friends. It's a totally different situation. The father will not discipline the child for his horrendous behavior, and he won't let her do it, either. This is not a case of "good kids, bad stepmom." (And I think Laura gets along just fine with her other stepkids -- she even homeschools them, so it's really all about this one child, and I don't agree that this boy should be permitted to be abusive to Laura just because he doesn't like living with her. It sounds like he has never even given her a chance, and Laura's dh isn't helping matters by accepting his poor behavior and lousy attitude toward her.)

 

So I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. :)

See, but I don't think we necessarily disagree. :001_smile:

Yep, kid is nasty & disrespectful. He sounds like a miserably sad kid. Mom's not so good, Dad moved on to someone else & has a houseful of other kids. I'm not saying Dad shouldn't have moved on, only that sometimes misery comes out as nastiness. Laura sounds like a lovely person, I've always thought so. :001_smile: I just think it's useful to remember that it's a kid. A child. One who didn't choose any of this, and doesn't have the life experience to understand how to move beyond his catastrophe in positive ways. Counseling would be good for them all. I'd just hesitate to make this into a "choose the wife over the nasty, bad kid" kind of situation, because in the end this is a kid who's world has been pretty much turned upside-down *by the choices of adults who are supposed to love him above all else*, kwim?

 

ETA: I also absolutely never said that one kid should be permitted to be abusive. That would be crazy.

Edited by Julie in CA
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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I watched some friends go through this and after lots of drama the child in question went to live with mom where there were no rules. The remaining children were almost relieved as it was much less stressful in their home once she left. It is sad. Hope your conversation goes well and you both have open ears and hearts. :grouphug:

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I just think it's useful to remember that it's a kid. A child. One who didn't choose any of this, and doesn't have the life experience to understand how to move beyond his catastrophe in positive ways. Counseling would be good for them all. I'd just hesitate to make this into a "choose the wife over the nasty, bad kid" kind of situation, because in the end this is a kid who's world has been pretty much turned upside-down, kwim?

 

ETA: I also absolutely never said that one kid should be permitted to be abusive. That would be crazy.

 

But the thing is, Laura's dh is permitting the kid to be verbally abusive -- and not only to her, but to the other children, as well. And he is doing nothing about the strong possibility that this boy may be smoking and drinking. He's trying to be the kid's friend, and not take on the responsibility of being his father, and what that boy needs right now is a strong and loving father figure, not a buddy.

 

I'm sure Laura would love the opportunity to get close to this boy and to help him find happiness, but her dh needs to step in and let the kid know that the abusive behavior will not be tolerated. We can talk all day about how the kid needs counseling, understanding, and love, but all that takes time, Right now, he also needs some House Rules. Laura and the rest of the kids in the house need a chance to relax and be happy, too, without being constantly berated by this one child. The entire household is being seriously disrupted by this kid, and that's not fair to anyone. Just because he feels that his life has been turned upside-down, doesn't give him the automatic right to try to make everyone else's lives miserable, too.

Edited by Catwoman
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I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

:iagree::iagree: and family counseling.

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Right now, he also needs some House Rules.

I completely agree. I just pointed out that imo it would be unwise to make this into a "Choose the kid or choose your wife" situation. There's no way for a father & husband to win that one. Having standards for behavior doesn't have to have anything to do with putting the wife first, which was the suggestion I've been responding to.

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(and I am a former step-Mom because I ended up legally adopting him, and to be fair, he was much younger than the OP's son, so I know that makes a difference).

 

 

I agree that it's just not right at this point to be having Step-Mom disciplining the child and laying down lines in the sand.

 

A marriage is a precious thing, and sometimes fragile. In a crisis, you have to sometimes put it in a safe place just like you would a precious heirloom if you knew an earthquake were going to strike. I think this marriage needs counselling as a major family priority. More than the kids need counselling, the couple does. Their marriage needs to be looked at as a precious thing here. But part of that is the wife deciding now to put additional stress on it.

 

This man is in a crisis. He is probably handling this all wrong, and he's being difficult. I don't agree with everything he is doing and saying. But he's under incredible stress. He is trying to fix damaged relationships. No call on whose "fault" the damage is, but it's damaged. And in a perfect, ideal world, he would get to take a two week, father-son fishing trip and do some slow healing, memory building work. He would be able to focus ALL his attention on this one hurting child for as long as it takes to make some real progress in their connection.

 

Instead, he's working (I assume) and dealing with a houseful of kids, an angry (for good reason) wife, and just ... problems. Which is how it has to be, because there are a lot of moving parts in this family.

 

And this boy is in massive massive crisis too. He used to be the oldest, but now he's sort of squeezed in the middle of a large family headed by a "Mom" who isn't his Mom, doesn't feel like his Mom, doesn't have a Mom history with him, etc. And the woman who is his Mom let him go. Even though letting him go might be the right thing to do, everyone wants to feel like either of their parents would fight to the death for them. Right? I think we all want that even though we don't want them to fight. He probably feels like he's stuck in a bad episode of "wife swap," except he had to swap his whole life.

 

Poor kid. Poor Step-mom, poor Dad.

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I completely agree. I just pointed out that imo it would be unwise to make this into a "Choose the kid or choose your wife" situation. There's no way for a father & husband to win that one. Having standards for behavior doesn't have to have anything to do with putting the wife first, which was the suggestion I've been responding to.

 

:iagree:

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I completely agree. I just pointed out that imo it would be unwise to make this into a "Choose the kid or choose your wife" situation. There's no way for a father & husband to win that one. Having standards for behavior doesn't have to have anything to do with putting the wife first, which was the suggestion I've been responding to.

 

OK -- now I know what you mean! :001_smile:

 

I think we were sort of saying the same thing, but misinterpreting each other a bit.

 

I don't think it's a "the kid goes or I go" kind of situation. I was thinking of it being more of a "this is damaging our marriage and you need to deal with your son so our family doesn't fall apart" situation.

 

Realistically, Laura is stuck between a rock and a hard place if her dh won't act like a father (instead of being his pal,) because this boy isn't just being nasty at home; he may also be smoking and drinking. That's the kind of thing that can escalate very quickly to other bad behaviors and end very badly, and Laura's dh can't waste time in dealing with it. That's why I suggested that she may need to take a hard line with her dh. I'm sure he's a great guy in the middle of a bad situation, but he's an adult and he still has to deal with it, even if it's uncomfortable for him.

 

I hope Laura and her dh are having a great talk, and that once she explains everything to him, he will realize this isn't a "boys will be boys" thing, or a "he needs time to adjust" thing, and will take her concerns seriously.

 

PS. I also like Danestress's idea of a father-son trip.

Edited by Catwoman
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Are you in family/marriage counseling? If not, that's what I would suggest. There are a lot of layers here, and no amount of internet support is going to be helpful.

 

Prayers for you and your family.:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Please, put ALL of your energy into getting therapy. I'm sorry it's so hard. :grouphug:

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I watched some friends go through this and after lots of drama the child in question went to live with mom where there were no rules. The remaining children were almost relieved as it was much less stressful in their home once she left. It is sad. Hope your conversation goes well and you both have open ears and hearts. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I went through this first hand. My DSD went so far as to threaten the lives of our other kids. DSD was a 4th grader when we sent her to live with her mom and it was the best move for all involved. Her mom didn't want her and DSD ended up being put in boarding school.

 

DSD is fine now. She's 20 and regrets things she's done, in retrospect, I think she was put up to a lot of the stuff she did by her mother and maternal grandmother. She's spent the last few years reconnecting with our family. She sees first hand how her maternal family is a mess and says she's going to break the cycle.

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Thank you everybody!

 

Well dh and I talked about everything and he finally listened. He said he was sorry and that he didn't mean to dismiss my/my dc's feelings. Dh had very strict parents and he was still a 'bad' kid. He's scared that it will stay same even if we punish him except he will be mad at dh. I explained to him that it shouldn't matter and you can't just accept his behavior if you know its wrong.

 

Dh is going to talk to dss and explain he cannot treat me and my other dc badly. I'm expecting that it won't go very well because dss has a "I'm going to do whatever I want attitude" hopefully I'm wrong. If dss comes home acting the same way he did last weekend dh is going to punish him. All though we haven't figured out *what* his punishment should be for drinking/smoking?

 

The family counseling dh is going too w/ the 3 of them, is now going to include all of us. I think that should help. Dss7 & 9 both go to counseling individually but we really not sure if they need it? If they stopped going to counseling we could afford marriage counseling which I think we need even though things are getting better..

 

This is totally off topic but while talking to dh we talked about having more kids and I realized I haven't had my monthly sense Thanksgiving. I took an at home pregnancy test and I'm pregnant! I'm shocked, we really weren't planning on having any more but it's impossible for me not to be excited about a baby. The hive is the first to know! :001_smile:

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This is totally off topic but while talking to dh we talked about having more kids and I realized I haven't had my monthly sense Thanksgiving. I took an at home pregnancy test and I'm pregnant! I'm shocked, we really weren't planning on having any more but it's impossible for me not to be excited about a baby. The hive is the first to know! :001_smile:

 

Oh my goodness! Congratulations! And I'm so glad that you and dh had such a good talk. I know that it will still be hard but if you are supporting each other it will be so much better.

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I know this sounds harsh, but it may be time to tell your dh that if it's important to him to keep you as his wife, he had better step up to the plate and discipline his son.

 

This child cannot be allowed to disrespect you or his step siblings in your own home. That is totally unacceptable and I think you are making a huge mistake by tolerating it.

 

Additionally, exactly why does your dh think it's ok for this child to live with you, yet not want you to discipline him as you would your other children? I am also extremely concerned that your dh is ok with this boy refusing to speak to you, and being mean to you. That is simply not what a good husband permits or accepts. Period.

 

Im so sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to take a firm stand on the issue. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Also, why would a disrespectful 12-year-old with behavior problems at school be allowed to sleep over ANYWHERE? You're just asking for a drug problem to be added to your household, by allowing that to continue. (not meaning you, exactly, but DH or whoever has disciplinary control of this kid)

 

I will pray for your situation! Sounds like you and DH need to create some reasonable ways to protect the rest of the household. If you had a foster kid you wouldn't let him run wild in the house, right, so this is similar but DH needs to step up. (it's not doing his son any good to permit all this, either)

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Sounds like both you and dh are treating the symptoms and not addressing the root. If you 'manage' symptoms eventually they will overwhelm you...

 

This ds is trying to exert control, manipulate a bit, and trying to find a grounding wire. It sounds as if he is mirroring the actions he sees bw you and dh. Is there a pastor or someone you both respect and admire that you three could go see? 12 is a tough age especially for a young man who has had to deal with the pressures of a broken home...even if his home is with his own father and mother..the dynamics of step parenting affects all the children.

 

I would never tolerate not being spoken to or spoken to disrespectfully...but I do not respond with consequences first, I deal with heart issues first, this boy needs some convincing that he is deeply loved...he needs to have the opportunity to share his frustrations freely, if he gets mouthy, be firm but tell him you want to know how to help, but language helps no one...keep the discussion going.

 

But first, you and dh need to present yourselves as a team...you need to work on the basics...we both want our son to feel loved, we want him to know without a doubt that we are here for him, we want to raise him up to respect others...just find common ground, come up with a plan to either talk

with him one on one then get back together to compare notes on what was discussed.

 

He is sensing discord and contention, so he is adding to it...help him find something positive to mirror and it starts with loads of love and accountability on all sides.

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Glad you and dh had a chance to talk. I think that family counseling and then marriage counseling would be priority over individual counseling for the younger two--esp. if they aren't having big issues right now.

 

Most of the time, it isn't what happens in the 1 hour counseling session that is so important but how it is carried out in daily life. If you and dh get the support you need and can be unified and supported then you will much better equiped to help ALL of the kids.

 

Congrats too on the little one on the way!

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Glad you and dh had a chance to talk. I think that family counseling and then marriage counseling would be priority over individual counseling for the younger two--esp. if they aren't having big issues right now.

 

Most of the time, it isn't what happens in the 1 hour counseling session that is so important but how it is carried out in daily life. If you and dh get the support you need and can be unified and supported then you will much better equiped to help ALL of the kids.

 

Congrats too on the little one on the way!

 

:iagree:

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This is totally off topic but while talking to dh we talked about having more kids and I realized I haven't had my monthly sense Thanksgiving. I took an at home pregnancy test and I'm pregnant! I'm shocked, we really weren't planning on having any more but it's impossible for me not to be excited about a baby. The hive is the first to know! :001_smile:

 

 

COngrats on this first off. I am glad you and your dh had a chance to really talk. Do not be surprised if your dss ramps up his behaviour at the news that a new baby is on the way. You are excited, your dss may see it as another upheaval. If he is already feeling displaced and acting out on it adding another wee one that will get a ton of attention just by virtue of being the tiny baby it may set him off on his attitude etc again if he has shown improvement by then or may make things worse if he is not showing improvement by then.

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This sounds a lot like my family situation growing up. When we went to my dads my brother and my step mom did not get along. My dad sided with brother (out of guilt) almost every time and it caused huge problems between him and his wife, my step mom resented my brother and stopped trying, my brother learned that it was ok to disrespect women and treat them like a servant. This has almost crippled him to this day. My dads marriage nearly completely unraveled and only by a miracle did they stay together and fix things, but it was after my brother was grown and gone. Thankfully they are still together and better than ever. My brother got married and was horrible to his wife and she ended up walking out on him with their 2 yr old. My brother finally had to face who he was and my dad felt so much guilt and blamed himself for his sons marriage falling apart, he finally saw all the mistakes he made. Only by the grace of God, councelling, and my brother being married to a very patient and forgiving woman, was my brothers marriage also saved and they are still together and happier than ever. But there was a lot of regrets. I know that a lot of people say that your bio kids come before your new spouse, and depending on the situation I agree to a point. BUT, your dh will do your dss no favors by teaching him to disrespect women, that he is more important than anyone else, that there are no consequences, etc.

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COngrats on this first off. I am glad you and your dh had a chance to really talk. Do not be surprised if your dss ramps up his behaviour at the news that a new baby is on the way. You are excited, your dss may see it as another upheaval. If he is already feeling displaced and acting out on it adding another wee one that will get a ton of attention just by virtue of being the tiny baby it may set him off on his attitude etc again if he has shown improvement by then or may make things worse if he is not showing improvement by then.

 

I thought about that, I'm not even sure if we should tell the kids right away.

 

Of course dss came come acting hungover and he smelt like smoke. Dh told him he will be punished for this as soon as he decides on an appropriate punishment, any ideas? Dh already said he will not be allowed over this friends house ever again. Dh also talked to dss about his attitude towards me and my other dc and he said that it was because we we're mean to him. Dh explained that wasn't true and that no one was doing anything to him. Dss came back with "Your taking their side over mine, I told you I was right!" followed by stomping up the stairs and slamming his door shut. Dh just let him be and will try to talk to him in a little bit.

 

Thanks for the congrats everybody! :D

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I thought about that, I'm not even sure if we should tell the kids right away.

 

Of course dss came come acting hungover and he smelt like smoke. Dh told him he will be punished for this as soon as he decides on an appropriate punishment, any ideas? Dh already said he will not be allowed over this friends house ever again. Dh also talked to dss about his attitude towards me and my other dc and he said that it was because we we're mean to him. Dh explained that wasn't true and that no one was doing anything to him. Dss came back with "Your taking their side over mine, I told you I was right!" followed by stomping up the stairs and slamming his door shut. Dh just let him be and will try to talk to him in a little bit.

 

Thanks for the congrats everybody! :D

 

:grouphug:

 

House arrest as far as I'm concerned. If one can not be trusted to go out and behave appropriately without parents around one is not allowed to go out with out parents period.

 

Despite your dss's outburst let him simmer in his room for a while but dh has to stick to his guns on this. Don't engage dss in a further arguement simply reiterate the rule each time he says something nasty. Whenever I hear about kids acting out like this I always want to talk to them and find out why. I was really good at it with my neighbor boys and know things would have been way worse for the oldest one if he hadn't come over to talk to me almost daily (he stopped doing certain bad behaviours because of my asking him to). I am really good at helping other people's teens and terrible at it with my own. I guess outsiders perspective or somethien eh.

 

What is your dss good at, other than getting into trouble? What are his interests? What does he plan to do with his future? Is hanging out with this crowd a new thing?

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:grouphug:

 

House arrest as far as I'm concerned. If one can not be trusted to go out and behave appropriately without parents around one is not allowed to go out with out parents period.

 

Despite your dss's outburst let him simmer in his room for a while but dh has to stick to his guns on this. Don't engage dss in a further arguement simply reiterate the rule each time he says something nasty. Whenever I hear about kids acting out like this I always want to talk to them and find out why. I was really good at it with my neighbor boys and know things would have been way worse for the oldest one if he hadn't come over to talk to me almost daily (he stopped doing certain bad behaviours because of my asking him to). I am really good at helping other people's teens and terrible at it with my own. I guess outsiders perspective or somethien eh.

 

What is your dss good at, other than getting into trouble? What are his interests? What does he plan to do with his future? Is hanging out with this crowd a new thing?

 

My biggest thing is he has a cell phone, iPad, tv w/ cable, xbox w/ video games all in his room. That's not a punishment, ifykwim?

 

Dss9 told us that he smoked in front of him and their mom? :001_huh: So I'm guessing hanging out with the bad crowd isn't exactly new. Dh and I never knew this.

 

He use to play basketball and soccer. He was even in scouts. Dh has talked to him about his future and he said he's not going to college. He hasn't really expressed an interests besides video games, his cell phone and the internet.

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