Peaceful Isle Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My parents really do not like my dh, and that is putting it lightly. Anyone else have this problem? My dh is an awesome guy, works hard for our family, and is a great father and husband. He is his own man, though, and my parents like to tell him..sorry..give him advice etc.. He is not what they want and Im not sure they know what they want from him. Its really bizzare. They are the overbearing type, but I do love them. I'm tired of being in the middle and I want them to work it out. My dh has tried many times to get together to work out their problems, but my parents won't even answer their phones. I'm tired of defending him to my parents, and I just want them to be happy that I am happily married to a great guy, albeit, not their choice, but they dont have to live with him. Sigh,.... Is anyone else in the same boat as me, or am I all alone:confused: Thanks for letting me vent! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) My inlaws felt much the same way about me, until last week! Finally, after nearly ten years, they have achieved some insight. :D Your parents not wanting to work things out with your hubby doesn't mean you have to be in the middle, victim fashion. Your parents won't keel over if you say "Stop bossing him around, he's a grown man" or if you tell them to play nicely. You can't make them play happy families, but you don't have to keep the trouble in your lap. Oddly enough, my MIL stopped whinging to his face about me when he stopped accepting it. A couple of ferocious words on a few occasions, and he gained some respect. She will occasionally whinge to my face, and doesn't get any further than she ever has. It all depends how much their opinion of you matters, I think. Rosie Edited January 20, 2012 by Rosie_0801 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Why not tell them exactly what you said here? Guilt them into the change! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Some great posts so far! Thx! I need all the advice and help I can get right now.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My parents really do not like my dh, and that is putting it lightly. Anyone else have this problem? My dh is an awesome guy, works hard for our family, and is a great father and husband. He is his own man, though, and my parents like to tell him..sorry..give him advice etc.. He is not what they want and Im not sure they know what they want from him. Its really bizzare. They are the overbearing type, but I do love them.I'm tired of being in the middle and I want them to work it out. My dh has tried many times to get together to work out their problems, but my parents won't even answer their phones. I'm tired of defending him to my parents, and I just want them to be happy that I am happily married to a great guy, albeit, not their choice, but they dont have to live with him. Sigh,.... Is anyone else in the same boat as me, or am I all alone:confused: Thanks for letting me vent! words cannot express how much my grandmother loathed my dad. she caused *alot* of trouble in their marriage because my mother kept trying to make her mother happy. When my father died, I wasn't even allowed to grieve. I'm going to be blunt, so if you don't want to hear it, stop reading now. You can't have it both ways. your parents, for *whatever* reason, will "not just be happy" for you in your choice of spouse. You're a big girl now, and chose to marry your husband and have children with him. You need to let your parents know they will be civil to your husband, or they will have only limited contact with you and your children. they treat your husband this way because you allow it. I will tell you, as the child of that situation, I grew up with a very low opinion of my mother and considered her very weak in her choosing to "please her mother" over caretaking her *own* family. I also had absolute CONTEMPT for my grandmother. Just because my father was dead, did not stop her badmouthing him. (so you might want to warn your mother her grandchildren may grow up hating her because of HER actions towards *their* father.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I agree with everyone else. I think you need to stand up to your parents. They need to respect you enough to be civil to your dh. They are unpleasant to him because you let them get away with it. I'm sure you would expect your dh to defend you if someone was mean or unwelcoming toward you, and I believe that expectation should go both ways. I'm not saying you need to cut off contact with your parents, or anything remotely like that, but I do believe that you need to be the one to sit them down and explain your position. This is not your dh's job. They're your parents, so you need to be the one to speak with them. They love you, and if they don't want to hurt you, they will change their behavior. And if they don't, well, you'll have another decision to make. But for now, take one step at a time and insist that your parents treat your dh with respect. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle, but there shouldn't be a "middle." You're on one side or you're on the other. Make a decision and stand your ground. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I agree with everyone else. I think you need to stand up to your parents. They need to respect you enough to be civil to your dh. They are unpleasant to him because you let them get away with it. I'm sure you would expect your dh to defend you if someone was mean or unwelcoming toward you, and I believe that expectation should go both ways. I'm not saying you need to cut off contact with your parents, or anything remotely like that, but I do believe that you need to be the one to sit them down and explain your position. This is not your dh's job. They're your parents, so you need to be the one to speak with them. They love you, and if they don't want to hurt you, they will change their behavior. And if they don't, well, you'll have another decision to make. But for now, take one step at a time and insist that your parents treat your dh with respect. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle, but there shouldn't be a "middle." You're on one side or you're on the other. Make a decision and stand your ground. :iagree: Leave and cleave... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Thank you all for your blunt responses! I knew it would be a good thing to post it here! It breaks my heart, but i am convicted by what you guys said about, ....what if things were being said about me to him..hmm... If they truly love me, they will respect my wishes, if not, I guess its not my choice, but I will have to limit contact. It makes me sad, but it is the right thing to do. thanks again ladies!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 II'm sorry you're stuck in the middle, but there shouldn't be a "middle." You're on one side or you're on the other. Make a decision and stand your ground. I would try telling my parents, in a letter if possible, that you will no longer stand for X, Y, and Z. That you love them and will be happy to talk to them about anything else, but any pushy, bad mouthy, etc stuff, and you are ringing off or leaving. Be very calm. When you hear it coming, remind them, and if they don't cease, say goodbye and get off the phone, or pack up and leave. No drama, just limits. They will either catch on, or they will get very angry and drive you away. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Be very calm. When you hear it coming, remind them, and if they don't cease, say goodbye and get off the phone, or pack up and leave. No drama, just limits. They will either catch on, or they will get very angry and drive you away. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My parents really do not like my dh, and that is putting it lightly. Anyone else have this problem? My dh is an awesome guy, works hard for our family, and is a great father and husband. He is his own man, though, and my parents like to tell him..sorry..give him advice etc.. He is not what they want and Im not sure they know what they want from him. Its really bizzare. They are the overbearing type, but I do love them.I'm tired of being in the middle and I want them to work it out. My dh has tried many times to get together to work out their problems, but my parents won't even answer their phones. I'm tired of defending him to my parents, and I just want them to be happy that I am happily married to a great guy, albeit, not their choice, but they dont have to live with him. Sigh,.... Is anyone else in the same boat as me, or am I all alone:confused: Thanks for letting me vent! Flip it. Put yourself in your dh's shoes. Think about his parents saying, acting that way towards you. What would you want your dh to do? How would you feel about your dh if he didn't put his foot down and stand up for you or put an end to it? Is this a healthy environment for your children? Ask yourself these questions. I am not a huge advocate for cutting ties with family members but your parents are asking for it. I would give them an ultimatum. They either choose to act kindly to your dh, and respect him (even if it is purely that he is YOUR choice for a husband) or you will have to cut them out. Sorry but I have ZERO tolerance for ANYONE coming between a married couple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 You all are completely right. It makes more sense when you see it down in black and white. Ive discussed this with my dh, written my parents an ultimatum letter, and feel much more at peace now. Thank you all for your advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 You can't have it both ways. your parents, for *whatever* reason, will "not just be happy" for you in your choice of spouse. You're a big girl now, and chose to marry your husband and have children with him. You need to let your parents know they will be civil to your husband, or they will have only limited contact with you and your children. they treat your husband this way because you allow it. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I agree that their being 'civil' to your DH is probably your most realistic hope. My in-laws don't approve of me at all; I'm reserved, introverted, and a social class or two beneath them. I'm really not what they would have wanted for their son. They have no understanding of me whatsoever, and aren't interested in understanding me. It hurt terribly at first, I have quite a strong need for approval. DH now usually goes to visit them with the boys without me, which has naturally led to less contact. Having said all that, we've all just spent a very pleasant Christmas together, without any real resentment or annoyance on either side. There is absolutely no desire for any closer relationship on either their part or mine, but we seem to have reached a point of mutual acceptance and civility. It does help only actually seeing them once every two years :D. I think most people can 'behave' for a couple of days once every two years ;). Best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 You all are completely right. It makes more sense when you see it down in black and white. Ive discussed this with my dh, written my parents an ultimatum letter, and feel much more at peace now. Thank you all for your advice. Are you sure you need to go so far as an "ultimatum letter?" I know I said you should stand up for your dh, but I'm worried that a strong letter may backfire and you'll end up losing your relationship with your parents, rather than convincing them to be nicer to your dh. Is there any reason you can't speak with them about it, instead of sending a letter? I would think an in-person conversation (or even a chat on the phone) might be more likely to have a positive effect on the situation, while a letter might seem kind of weird and hurtful to your parents, unless you regularly send them letters. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, so my advice may be totally off-base. I can understand sending the letter if your parents are so dominant and overbearing that you'll never be able to reason with them, or that they'll bully you into agreeing with their point of view. However, if you have a generally good relationship yet still want to send the letter, I hope you'll wait a few days before you mail it, to be positive it says exactly what you want to say, and that you won't regret anything you wrote "in the heat of the moment." (That usually happens the minute you drop the letter into the mailbox and know you can't get it back... :tongue_smilie:) I truly hope this works out for you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Are you sure you need to go so far as an "ultimatum letter?" Is there any reason you can't speak with them about it, instead of sending a letter? I would think an in-person conversation (or even a chat on the phone) might be more likely to have a positive effect on the situation, while a letter might seem kind of weird and hurtful to your parents, unless you regularly send them letters. I agree. Set the limits, but do it in person, and don't start with an ultimatum. It sounds like you've been wishy-washy enough that they felt comfortable continuing. Just tell them it needs to change and start saying no and setting limits. I would not pull out the ultimatum unless they don't respond at all to simpler limits, as have been suggested by pp (get off the phone if they start on dh, etc.) However, knowing in your heart that you WILL send an ultimatum if it becomes necessary is going to change the way you are coming across to your parents. I'll bet they come around. Honestly, if I've been a slack disciplinarian to my kids on some issue, I wouldn't suddenly lower the boom. I'd reset expectations and set up consequences. This is similar, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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