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How did/does your family of origin handle emotions?


With your family of origin, what is the response if you express sadness, or tears?  

  1. 1. With your family of origin, what is the response if you express sadness, or tears?

    • A family member would ask me what was wrong and try to comfort me.
      56
    • Most family members would ignore me and just wait for me to be 'ok'.
      39
    • A family member would yell at me and tell me I was 'crazy' or 'depressed'.
      10
    • Other - (please explain)
      12


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I just returned from a trip with extended family, and I'm SO angry over some things that happened. I'm hoping that if I can get some perspective, and also hear that there are actually 'healthy' families out there, than maybe I can feel better.

 

In my 'family of origin' negative emotions are not accepted. If someone is upset about something, they are just supposed to 'fake it.' If someone displays unhappy emotions (by crying) then they are immediately labeled 'crazy' or 'depressed'.

 

Growing up in this family was stifling and reliving it this past week was misery.

 

In your family of origin, how were/are negative emotions handled?

 

Poll to follow.

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My family of origin was extremely sensitive to emotions and caring. My dh and his, are just like yours! Living with a 180 degree difference is very challenging. He grew up learning to back off and wait for anyone to 'recover' and doesn't know how to do anything else. His parents' parents were the same way. Hard to 'unlearn' behavior and especially difficult to create a caring and loving person coming from this background. Reach out to others instead.:grouphug:

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I like what my family did, but it didn't prepare me for dealing with a lot of other people (I had to learn, and it was shocking. Being screamed at for the first time (age 17, and by a waitress I worked with) was not fun.)

 

If we were in a bad mood, we were left alone. If we asked to talk or cuddle, that was welcome, but it was usually one-to-one. If we didn't ask and it kept on too long, whomever was most trusted by that person would just "know" to poke a head in and make an opening remark which could be rebuffed without a dust up. All very subtle. But we all knew "the rules" and it worked very well, for us.

 

I'll give you an example of one of the most "stressed moments" I had as a child (there weren't many). We were in England, staying in a nice grand hotel in the country. My brother, 6 years older, was being mean, not that unusual, but this was meaner than usual. He was throwing a kick ball on me that was muddy and it "smacked" as it hit me. I'd had enough, and, crying (unusual for me) ran inside to complain. I flounced down on the nice davenport my father was having tea on and he bounced, the tea sloshed, and he got some on his beautiful brown suit (I loved that suit). I felt so awful I really started to cry and ran up to our room and hid in the clothes chest.

 

After a few minutes my mother stood outside it and said, very sweetly, "Your father and I are going for a walk, and we won't enjoy it if you are still crying." I immediately stopped, knowing all was forgiven and everything would be right with the world. When I didn't come out right away (I didn't want to be seen all tear stained and hiccuppy), she tiptoed off, and I came out and washed up. It was never, ever mentioned again.

 

Call me a snob, but I'd like it if the whole world worked that way. :)

 

ETA: the best part in my family was that if one was grumpy or hiding in one's room, the *moment* you came out of it, you were "back in the pack" with no one saying "what got into you" or "about time". Everyone carried on as if you'd had an understandable but best forgotten glitch in life.

Edited by kalanamak
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Emotions? You mean we have emotions? And we can EXPRESS THEM???

 

My goodness... my family wouldn't know what to do with any of you. Don't you know that the deeper you suppress your emotions, the stronger you are?? :lol:

 

Ain't that the truth. :glare:

 

In my family we each have our own broom with which to sweep all things unpleasant under the giant family rug.

 

 

 

.

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Emotions? You mean we have emotions? And we can EXPRESS THEM???

 

My goodness... my family wouldn't know what to do with any of you. Don't you know that the deeper you suppress your emotions, the stronger you are?? :lol:

:001_smile:

 

Stoicism is alive and well. Only it didn't work then, and it really doesn't work now. :grouphug:

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I chose other. We do not generally express those kind of emotions in our family so if I suddenly started crying, my family would probably think I was having a nervous breakdown and freak out.

 

This. I voted for the third choice -- typically, my mother and grandmother would be the ones who would yell and tell the person who was upset to 'get over it.' Not helpful at all, but suppression of emotions was their m.o.

 

And, display of emotions in a true and authentic fashion (i.e., crying when sad or disappointed or even angry) was totally not understood, encouraged or tolerated. One was expected to 'work through' what was probably an incredibly reasonable reaction to something by (1) not displaying what they were feeling; (2) keeping busy, i.e., going into the kitchen and cooking a meal for 45 people or something like that, baking tons of desserts, cleaning the house to within an inch of its life (my mother typically chose to do this), BUT never, ever sitting pensively, thinking, feeling the emotion, crawling into bed and pulling the covers over one's head and then emerging when one felt up to it.

 

In short, in my family, emotions were not ever validated. One was expected to put on fabulous clothes, put on their make up, make sure their hair was the way it should be, and get on with it -- no one was ever supposed to be able to tell that their insides were ripped to shreds, their heart was broken, or they were eating their liver.

 

Is it any wonder I had colitis when I was 7 years old?:confused:

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I put other because it depends on which family member it is who is crying/sad. If it's my mother, we all ignore her because she is so moody and cries over stupid stuff all the time. If it was me, I would probably get asked what was wrong, but then I would go hide in another room until I was over it. We would have other responses to my sisters. Of course my dad and brother would never cry except at the death of a loved one.

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I chose other. In my family it depends on who is upset. If it was a favorite of my parents (and yes they play favorites) the person may be consoled unless they were totally unreasonable. If you are not a favorite, you would be told that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill and to get over it. If the thing that made you upset had anything to do with Mother, even if it was her fault, she would get defensive and start shouting at you and saying as many harsh things as she could to get the point across that really you are the problem.

 

I was not a favorite....:glare:

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Emotions? You mean we have emotions? And we can EXPRESS THEM???

 

My goodness... my family wouldn't know what to do with any of you. Don't you know that the deeper you suppress your emotions, the stronger you are?? :lol:

 

:iagree: Of course if that emotion is anger, feel free to express it. All other emotions are to be expressed in your room, alone, with no one the wiser. If someone else breaks down and has some of those pesky emotions, it's also best if you just go to your room where you won't have to deal with their emotions.

 

my family of origin also deals with emotions the way yours does.

 

thankfully I've never been able to bend myself to be that way and life with my DH has been very healing.

 

I have to agree with that, too. We had a wedding in DH's family last year, and one of my SIL's expressed her amazement at how emotionally healthy that family is. No drama, no yelling at each other, just nice people trying to get along with one another. When someone is upset, everyone works together to try to make things better. I'm just hoping that I can overcome my natural inclinations well enough that my kids end up more like dh's family and not like mine.

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Emotions? You mean we have emotions? And we can EXPRESS THEM???

 

My goodness... my family wouldn't know what to do with any of you. Don't you know that the deeper you suppress your emotions, the stronger you are?? :lol:

 

So true in my family, too.

 

And even better, if we never mention [whatever bad event, negative feelings, disagreement], it didn't happen.

 

Thankfully my DH and I are not following in our families' footsteps either.

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:iagree: Of course if that emotion is anger, feel free to express it. All other emotions are to be expressed in your room, alone, with no one the wiser. If someone else breaks down and has some of those pesky emotions, it's also best if you just go to your room where you won't have to deal with their emotions.

 

This is why I spent the majority of my formative years hibernating in my room. I had emotions; nobody else did. Even anger was met with a lovely all-expenses-paid guilt trip: "Why are you mad that I went through your room and threw away anything [i felt was] useless? I was only doing it for you! Your carpet changed color when I vacuumed it, because you haven't swept it in months, and I just really thought you needed some extra help to keep going... you've seemed so distant lately. Why don't you stay in here, think about why that is, and then when you're ready to be part of the family again, you can come out and explain it all... OK?"

 

:banghead:

 

And my folks still wonder why I had two jobs, stayed out till curfew every night, and got married early. My DH is therapeutic, too. His mom's equally crazy, but in a different way, so we complement each other well. And we make a point to encourage the kids to have healthy emotional lives. Whoda thunk??

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My family of origin is filled with crazy narcissists . . . so if I expressed sadness or tears then they would either genuinely not register what I was expresssing due to self-absorption or they would tell me at length how my sadness was impacting on their life and I would wind up apologizing to/comforting them. I'm talking about my parents & extended family here. Somehow my siblings and I developed our own family-within-a-family that was very emotionally healthy. We talked to each other, listened, tried to understand the other's point-of-view. We were a huge support system to each other and are still very close.

 

My dh's family-of-origin is similar to what you describe. There is only one emotion . . . HAPPY . . . the happiness that comes from Jesus Christ. If you aren't HAPPY at all times, then there's something wrong with you and your faith. I've seen them bounce into tragic funerals with that kind of "happy" in full force and it is unnerving (not to mention hurtful and insensitive). If you express sadness in his family then you are the one causing problems . . . cause it's not a problem unless we talk about it and you are the one bringing it up.

*(Feel free to replace the word "happy" with the word "phony" at any time)*

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my mother was very much a "if you ignore it long enough, it will go away" problem solver. it was probably an improvement on her mother's "stop crying, just becuase your father died is no reason to cry". (I was 12, and yes, that actually happend.) and my ever concerned with appearances grandmother demanded my sister act like a blushing bride when she was at her house the day after the wedding and miscarrying . . . (heaven's, what would the neighbors think?)

Edited by gardenmom5
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Emotions? You mean we have emotions? And we can EXPRESS THEM???

 

My goodness... my family wouldn't know what to do with any of you. Don't you know that the deeper you suppress your emotions, the stronger you are?? :lol:

 

No point trying to compose a post of my own! This one will do perfectly for me, as well. :glare: :grouphug:

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This was my family. Ignore it long enough and you won't have to deal with it. Now, I have a wonderful family. My parents broke the cycle of abuse. They are kind and loving. But, if they do something wrong, they don't apologize. They just move on. No discussion. No apology. No acknowledgment.

I have changed that with my kids. And I force it on them now. If I say/do something wrong, I make it a point to make eye contact and say I'm sorry. It's working. I'm slowly changing them.

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I lived in a household with two bi-polar women and one brother that is just off but not diagnosed because he won't go to a dr. Generally we were just left alone until our tirade worked itself out. That seemed the best course of action given that we actually were crazy and you can't talk someone out of crazy.

 

I was never much a crier though. Just recently I was hit by one of my worse depressions ever and my youngest came into my room and saw me crying and freaked out. She asked what was wrong and wouldn't believe me when I told her nothing specific because it is well known in this household that mom doesn't cry unless someone is on death's door or has already died.

 

Now I have a BP dd and I follow pretty much the same course of action. It works for us. If someone makes an effort to actually put words to their feelings or cries then you know it is pretty serious. We are just a stoic bunch of people.

 

However, we are also loud due to the fact that none of us have the attention span of a gnat and if we don't say what we are thinking soon after we have thought it, we will forget it entirely. So we have a houseful of people spitting out random thoughts which can't be heard over the din of all the other people doing the same thing. I am told that this is not normal but everyone who has joined the family seems to blend in just fine. :001_smile:

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I am saddened by all of the really sad homes that could not express emotions!!

 

For the OP...a lot depends on what you are crying about!! :)

 

My family was very nurturing and loving, they have their moments and all of us are self-absorbed at times...but if someone was genuinely crying they would be comforted...there are people I have met in the world that cry about everything....it's not rational or reasonable...they generally do have some coping problems..they only see the world in how it affects themselves, not others....if that makes any sense...the pity me approach.

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My mom, step-father, sibling, and step-siblings are a pretty reserved crowd. I think we all just sort of take a live and let live approach. I have never been with any of them ever where anyone over the age of 5yo cried. I mean we are articulate and talk about kids, jobs, and other non-confrontational topics. I suppose we are just the type of people who only cry at weddings, funerals, and other life altering experiences.

 

IF I were to let loose some waterworks for anything less than a life altering experience, I suspect everyone would, after ascertaining that nothing was wrong, go silent and sneak out of the room. That's a stretch though and probably just tells you what I would do if another adult member of my family were to do something of that nature, but honestly I am just having a difficult time imagining such a thing happening at a family gathering. It would just be so totally out of character for any of us.

 

OTOH, I also can't imagine that any of us would call each other names. We are not name callers. What tacky family members would call each other crazy at a family gathering? Don't they know that they are supposed to wait until they are at home alone with their spouse and talk about you behind your back! :tongue_smilie:

 

I hear these stories on here and think that we must be really boring, because none of this stuff has ever, ever happened at any of our family gatherings. I am happy that they are happy and healthy. I am in no way offended by any of their life choices, because it is not my life. I expect and receive the same in return.

 

Seriously, if you seldom get together with family, aren't you just supposed to accept or ignore differences and focus on enjoying your time together? We smile and eat and eat some more and then wave while commenting, "See ya next year."

 

I guess we are just boring, so I don't know if that was helpful.

Sorry your family visit didn't go well-

Mandy

Edited by Mandy in TN
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I just returned from a trip with extended family, and I'm SO angry over some things that happened. I'm hoping that if I can get some perspective, and also hear that there are actually 'healthy' families out there, than maybe I can feel better.

 

In my 'family of origin' negative emotions are not accepted. If someone is upset about something, they are just supposed to 'fake it.' If someone displays unhappy emotions (by crying) then they are immediately labeled 'crazy' or 'depressed'.

 

Growing up in this family was stifling and reliving it this past week was misery.

 

In your family of origin, how were/are negative emotions handled?

 

Poll to follow.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I think you summed up my family.... but you missed the 'when anyone does act sincerely crazy/seriously depressed/even suicidal, it is simply ignore it and pretend everything is ok'... Rough.

 

I'm happy to say that in my house, we all laugh, cry, fight, forgive, talk, pray, hug and more....

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