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My MIL died and I have a problem


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My MIL died last night. She was 96 years old. During the past six years, she had several strokes, a pacemaker put in, a broken hip, and severe dementia to the point where she recognized only her sisters.

 

She lived in Florida in a very nice retirement community - the kind at which one starts out in an apartment, goes from there to assisted living, and from that to a nursing home, all on the same campus. Two of her sisters live there, too, and all of them moved there after their husbands died.

 

One of his aunts visited MIL daily throughout MIL's stay in assisted living and the nursing home over a 6 year period. She was there whenever MIL had surgery, made sure MIL had everything she needed, supervised all of MIL's care.

 

This aunt is 90 years old and still in good health -- she still golfs and leads an active life and lives in her apartment (not assisted living). She is wealthy and needs nothing material.

 

I think we should do something for her to thank her for her care of MIL. I have thanked her, and so has DH, but I want to do something more than just words. Aunt will also take care of having MIL cremated and her remains sent to DH (to be interred in GA) and doing whatever will be done with MIL's possessions.

 

There will not be a funeral or memorial service because MIL outlived her relatives (except for the 2 aunts and our family) and her friends. This morning, Aunt said it was a blessing that MIL died because her quality of life had not been good for years. I am sure that Aunt is very sad, but she sure is not going to talk to me or DH about her feelings; she is not that way at all.

 

Do you have any suggestions?

 

Thank you,

RC

Edited by RoughCollie
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Offer up any momento the sister may want, but at 90, she may be past the material items for remembering people and will tell you no thanks.

 

You could offer her something like a golf package or something. But again, she may tell you it's not needed. As that is just what sisters/family do.

 

As my grandparents/parents age, it's harder to get them stuff. Especially because they are seeing the need for less and less stuff and trying to give it away.

 

Writing her how much you appreciate everything she's done over the years will probably go farther. Flowers or maybe a fruit arrangement now, and maybe flowers again on MIL birthday again thanking her for all she did over the years.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You mentioned golf and activities: -- something tied in to golf or something else this lovely woman enjoys? You mentioned that she is wealthy and needs nothing material -- is there a photo from your MIL's younger days of the two of them together that you could have restored and framed?

 

And on a lighter note: (this is going to sound silly....but) a golf towel. DH goes through them like crazy. You could have some cute little golf phrase stitched on it (I did that for dh on his first father's day - 'daddy's little caddy' - from dd) or just her name stitched on it.

 

What a long life your MIL had -- how lovely to have the memory of a family member who was helpful and gracious.:grouphug:

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The first thing that comes to mind is putting together a nice photo book, if you have access to a selection of nice photos of your MIL--especially if they include memories/events/etc. that would have significance for the aunt as well.

 

I know a lot of folks don't like gift certificates/cards because they may feel impersonal, but for someone who doesn't need anything material, they can be great. We have a relative (the second wife of my husband's now-deceased grandfather) who is similar--she is wealthy, she doesn't need anything, and she doesn't want "stuff." But she has a couple of favorite restaurants in the area where she lives, and she loves good chardonnay. So for Christmas we might put a goodie bag together for her with wine, tea that she likes, chocolates, etc., or we might give her a gift certificate for one of her favorite restaurants. She always appreciates it. So if you know, or can find out, what your DH's aunt likes in her area (sounds like you're too far away to just simply drop by and take her out for a nice dinner or play a round of golf with her), you could buy her a gift certificate so she can do something she enjoys.

 

Not very creative, I know, but these are things that have worked for us in similar situations. :001_smile:

 

ETA: I obviously posted at the same time as others with similar ideas. LOL. I really like the suggestion to make a donation or dedication of some sort in her honor. Very meaningful, in a non-material way.

Edited by BrookValley
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I would probably donate to her favorite cause in her name as an honor.

 

:iagree: I like this idea. At her age she is likely past material items, and it sounds like she is in no need of financial assistance I think this would be a nice tribute to her to say thank you for the help with MIL

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Is there a walkway at the complex that could use a bench with a memorial plaque? Otherwise, consider planting a tree, shrub, or plant in their garden/grounds.

 

This is my idea as well. Maybe put the names of all the sisters. This way friends and family as well can enjoy it.
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It might be nice to let her pick something of your MIL's for her to keep. It is always nice to have something of sentimental value as a special reminder of a lost loved one. If you haven't already asked the aunt to pick something, I would let her know that she is welcome to or you could pick something for her. Also, does she have photos of the two of them together? Some people have lots of pictures, while others do not. If your MIL had any photographs of them (recent or old) it might be nice to share those as well (make copies if you want). Beyond that a hand written thank-you letter might be nice.

 

Sorry for you recent loss.

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Aunt now owns all of MIL's possessions, including photographs. There is no point in shipping everything to PA. Before MIL moved into the retirement community, she kept what she would need there and had a huge garage sale. She sent us china, crystal, and silver, plus everything that she did not sell at the garage sale.

 

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I send Aunt flowers now and on MIL's birthday, I am likely to get a lecture about wasting money. I can handle that, so that's what I'll probably do.

 

I do not know Aunt -- I've met her in person briefly twice. DH is not close to her. He's seen her twice in 23 years and he doesn't know much about her personally. This is mostly because DH's dad was in the Army and his family never lived near their relatives and rarely saw them.

 

When I talk to Aunt, she berates me. Some of this is because she is angry with DH and takes it out on me. Some is because I will not do what she wants me to do because it is not sensible. For example: She wants me to take a full-time job in Pittsburgh because there is no work here that I can do. My SUV is 12 years old and gets 10-12 mpg. If I got a job there, the commute would be 3-4 hours per day, round trip, and use up at least 8 gallons of gas. None of that matters to Aunt.

 

This is not because Aunt is 90 years old. I've gotten unasked-for advice, mostly from MIL, for 25 years and all of it looks good on paper until one takes my personal situation into account.

 

As for MIL, I was always friendly, polite, welcoming, and appreciative of her. I did not like her, mostly because she said everything she thought. When my boys were born 13 weeks early, she several times told me that I would be lucky if one or more of them died, because then DH wouldn't have so many children to support. That was the last straw for me during a time when it was likely that DS1 would die (the doctors said 100% likely). After that, my attitude and actions toward her were out of duty, loyalty, and human decency, not fueled by a truckload of warm, fuzzy feelings.

Edited by RoughCollie
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Aunt now owns all of MIL's possessions, including photographs. There is no point in shipping everything to PA. Before MIL moved into the retirement community, she kept what she would need there and had a huge garage sale. She sent us china, crystal, and silver, plus everything that she did not sell at the garage sale.

 

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I send Aunt flowers now and on MIL's birthday, I am likely to get a lecture about wasting money. I can handle that, so that's what I'll probably do.

 

I do not know Aunt -- I've met her in person briefly twice. DH is not close to her. He's seen her twice in 23 years and he doesn't know much about her personally. This is mostly because DH's dad was in the Army and his family never lived near their relatives and rarely saw them.

 

 

Considering you don't know her really, then making sure she understands that you really appreciate the fact that MIL had her there, especially since your husband/family couldn't and knowing that she was not alone. Tell her flowers are to brighten her day as you know she brightened MIL's.

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Does this Aunt have children? Could you ask her children if there is anything?

 

I think writing a beautiful note on nice stationary telling her how much it means to the family that she was able to do this. I'm always amazed at how much my mom values a beautiful letter (nice handwriting, nice paper, and nice sentiments included).

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I've struggled with this a little myself, because during the first six months after my husband's stroke with extensive brain damage, his siblings all stepped in to help with little things here and there. It has been a year and a half now, and although I've thanked them all many times in person, I've wondered if I need to be sending them gifts or something more "official."

 

Due to the overwhelming grief of it all for me, I still haven't done anything. But in the end, I've kind of come to the conclusion that they are family... isn't it their "duty" to help out their brother? I mean, I'd certainly help my own brother in a nanosecond, and definitely wouldn't expect a thank you in return. If you do go down that path, then I as my brother's sister would also need to send a thank you gift to his wife, for helping take care of my ailing brother. And, your MIL's sister should send YOU a thank you gift as well for taking care of her sister! That's all hypothetical, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. :)

 

In the end, I'll probably still send a nice thank you card to my husband's siblings at some point with my heart-felt gratitude for their help (which wasn't huge, but at least was something) -- just because I STILL feel like I'd like to do something, and I want them to know I appreciated their help. You can do the same for your MIL's sister -- a nice, hand-written card, or one bouquet of flowers with a little thank you note.

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She does not need material things, but everyone can enjoy visits, letters, etc.

 

I would send a heart felt letter of thanks.

 

Then, I would put on your schedule to call her and write her regularly. Once a month, or once a quarter, or however often you think you can do it. Have the kids send things, too, if possible. Include photos regularly.

 

If you are able to visit her personally, perhaps en route to some other vacation, etc., I would make it a priority to do so within a year, and as regularly as you can.

 

Time = love. Give her your time.

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Writing her how much you appreciate everything she's done over the years will probably go farther.

 

:iagree:

 

 

Nothing touches me more than a heartfelt handwritten note thanking me for something I have done. But they're so rare these days with so much electronic communication. I particularly think that somebody of her generation would appreciate a beautifully written thank you note.

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I think it's a nice idea, RC. Could you do a nice photo album for her? Or a picture of the sisters framed for her room? Monthly flowers might be nice.

So sorry for your loss.

 

:iagree: Especially the bolded. Perhaps you have a picture of them together that would bring happy memories.

:grouphug:

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You know what? I read all the replies and then something came up and I forgot to return to this thread.

 

Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate the advice and I have sent flowers and a card with a note, plus talked to MIL's sisters on the phone.

 

I appreciate your help very much.

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