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How do you deal with negativity in someone close to you?


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I need strategies to deal with someone (someone I live with) who seems to be very negative lately. It could be that I'm just noticing it now, I don't know. Anyway, if there's a way to put a negative spin on something, this person can. Everything I do is not good enough to warrant a positive comment, but certainly bad enough to warrant a negative one. I feel sad about this, and to be honest, worn out.

 

And talking to them hasn't helped. Thanks!

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I am struggling with this as well. :grouphug:

 

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this too. It's terribly exhausting and dispiriting, isn't it?

 

In my case, the person might be suffering from mild depression. There have been some things that happened in his life recently that upset him greatly. That's why I think I need strategies for ME to cope with this hopefully temporary change.

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:grouphug: I would guess that you need to keep talking until you get to the bottom of it. I do know how completely and utterly draining it can be dealing with extreme negativity.

 

My own, rather dysfunctional way, of dealing with it is to withdraw and focus on something else. Maybe short term this can be helpful. Long term it causes breakdown in relationships.

 

Sorry I can't be any more helpful. Just to offer :grouphug:s and sympathy. I'm sure someone else will come up with something more constructive.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

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:grouphug: I would guess that you need to keep talking until you get to the bottom of it. I do know how completely and utterly draining it can be dealing with extreme negativity.

 

My own, rather dysfunctional way, of dealing with it is to withdraw and focus on something else. Maybe short term this can be helpful. Long term it causes breakdown in relationships.

 

Sorry I can't be any more helpful. Just to offer :grouphug:s and sympathy. I'm sure someone else will come up with something more constructive.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

Thanks Cassie. I too tend to withdraw. I know that talking more won't help, at least at this juncture. He doesn't believe he's being negative, he thinks I am misperceiving him. I'm not.

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My mom can be a very negative person. She doesn't live with us but I either see her or talk to her on the phone daily.

 

As you noted, talking to the person about their negativity doesn't help much. BTDT. Even when I do my best to say something gently and phrase it as "I feel..." instead of "You are XYZ", it still generally falls flat.

 

What has helped me deal is:

 

  • making an effort to look past the negativity and simply respond to her intent, or the meaning behind whatever she has said - regardless of how she says it
  • if even the intent/meaning of what she says is negative and it's impossible to try to extract something positive, then I'll often just ignore it or change the subject
  • staying focused on my own "positive to negative ratio" in my relationship with my mom since I can control that. Years ago, I read about John Gottman's 5:1 ratio and it really resonated with me. Gottman is a psychologist whose research led him to develop a "magic ratio" of 5:1 - in terms of our balance of positive to negative interactions in a given relationship. That is, for every criticism or negative interaction, there must be at least five compliments or positive interactions in order for a relationship to remain healthy. Although his initial research was focused on marriages, his findings apply to other relationships (family, friends, etc.) as well. So, the more negative my mom becomes, the more positive I try to be to balance things out. Some days I succeed - some days, not so much. ;) ETA: this doesn't mean I try to put a positive spin on whatever she's being negative about - it just means that I increase my efforts to be positive, kind, and loving around her regardless of her negativity. Most of the time, I don't "engage" in her negativity, or try to argue another viewpoint, because I've found that it's pointless in our case.

I think the key to maintaining sanity is just to focus on your side of the relationship and what you can control.

Edited by Dandelion
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I'm with you. I don't have any advice, but I can commiserate. For our family, it is a generational genetic predisposition. My FIL is a grumpy old grumpy. Dh is very much a glass half full kind of guy. Ds7 is a born pessimist. Dh disliked his grandfather because he was a grump. We just found out that FIL disliked his grandfather because he was a grump. My kids don't care for FIL much. I gently pointed out to Dh that this would be a good time to break that pattern. I don't want my grandkids to dislike spending time with us. Dh is downright jolly compared to FIL and Ds, but his negativity is the biggest stress in our marriage. I can't say, "It's a beautiful day!" without hearing several comments about why it isn't perfect. It is draining. I know he comes by it both through genetics and training. I try to point out when it is over the top instead of letting it upset me. If I get two or more negative comments in a row, I inform him that I will talk to him when he is ready to talk, nicely, with me. I am concerned for Ds's future wife and am trying to get him yo look on the sunny side of life. It is an uphill battle. Most evenings I ask him what the best part of his day was. I do that with Dh, too.

Edited by Meriwether
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Ear plugs work wonders. :D Seriously.

 

If they pop off with a ditty that is just another bitter comment about whoever or politics or their take on life. You won't hear it. :lol: Just smile sweetly and keep bee-bopping to what you are doing. I crochet, cook, or surf when crabapple people try to ruin my day. That or pop in earphones for my iPod. LOL :lol:

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In my experience stress makes it worse, so the difficult time he has gone through recently wouldn't be helping. Is he normally like this (you mentioned temporary), or is it a new thing? If it's new, I would try to just hang in there, while trying to reduce stress for him where it's feasible, as well as maintaining a positive attitude yourself (wearing I know, but if it's temporary, maybe do-able?). Maybe try to get away for a weekend to reconnect.

 

If it's a common thing, in my experience the only way to do much about it is to NOT do anything to make it better...IOW if he's negative about how much you don't do - don't try to do more to make him happy. It just makes him look for the next thing.

 

Someone in my house (;)) has a mild Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (It's much different than OCD, so the two shouldn't be connected, but people tend to. Look it up - it could be the problem for your family member, too). This year, with me having major illness & treatment for most of the year, has been very stressful for my family member. It made his behaviour much worse (just what I needed!). Anyway, it's brought to light his problem, and what I need to do to deal with it. He doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem on his side, only on everyone else's!:tongue_smilie: So what I had to do was grow a backbone. Stand up for me. Refuse to do more than I think is fine. Answer negativity with a short, to the point, calm rebuttal. One of the message boards I find very helpful stress that you should NEVER J-A-D-E (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) This is VERY true - all these they are experts at, and can beat you hands down with their twisted way of bringing it all around to their POV). You can't win an argument with this sort of person! So if you calmly say that (whatever they're worried about, or negative about) is extremely unlikely to happen, it kind of takes the stress away - eventually.

 

My family member has had to understand that I'm changing, and doesn't necessarily like it (I'm no longer easily controlled!), but he is accepting it, and our relationship and home are happier for it. I don't say it's always easy - sometimes I hate that I have to strong and have a strong backbone, because I'm a placid and easygoing person by nature. But it's necessary for me to straighten the backbone to avoid being a doormat, and constantly being worried if everything is good enough for him.

 

Sorry - I've rambled here, but this is close to home, and I'd like to be able to share my experience with anyone else that may need it.

Edited by Isabella
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I'm a negative person. My family calls me on it when they hear me. It was one thing when my DH talked to me about it, but it was a wake up call when my kids called me on it. All of that happened within about 3 or 4 months. My DH did not talk to the kids either. I asked because I was so very upset. I didn't realize just how bad it had become. But when I saw tears in my kids eyes, I was totally surprised that I had caused that hurt.

 

Sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry this person isn't listening to you. It can be a real drag to have someone bringing you down. It is a huge effort on my part not to be negative but I'm getting better.

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In my experience stress makes it worse, so the difficult time he has gone through recently wouldn't be helping. Is he normally like this (you mentioned temporary), or is it a new thing? If it's new, I would try to just hang in there, while trying to reduce stress for him where it's feasible, as well as maintaining a positive attitude yourself (wearing I know, but if it's temporary, maybe do-able?). Maybe try to get away for a weekend to reconnect.

 

If it's a common thing, in my experience the only way to do much about it is to NOT do anything to make it better...IOW if he's negative about how much you don't do - don't try to do more to make him happy. It just makes him look for the next thing.

 

Someone in my house (;)) has a mild Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (It's much different than OCD, so the two shouldn't be connected, but people tend to. Look it up - it could be the problem for your family member, too). This year, with me having major illness & treatment for most of the year, has been very stressful for my family member. It made his behaviour much worse (just what I needed!). Anyway, it's brought to light his problem, and what I need to do to deal with it. He doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem on his side, only on everyone else's!:tongue_smilie: So what I had to do was grow a backbone. Stand up for me. Refuse to do more than I think is fine. Answer negativity with a short, to the point, calm rebuttal. One of the message boards I find very helpful stress that you should NEVER J-A-D-E (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) This is VERY true - all these they are experts at, and can beat you hands down with their twisted way of bringing it all around to their POV). You can't win an argument with this sort of person! So if you calmly say that (whatever they're worried about, or negative about) is extremely unlikely to happen, it kind of takes the stress away - eventually.

 

My family member has had to understand that I'm changing, and doesn't necessarily like it (I'm no longer easily controlled!), but he is accepting it, and our relationship and home are happier for it. I don't say it's always easy - sometimes I hate that I have to strong and have a strong backbone, because I'm a placid and easygoing person by nature. But it's necessary for me to straighten the backbone to avoid being a doormat, and constantly being worried if everything is good enough for him.

 

Sorry - I've rambled here, but this is close to home, and I'd like to be able to share my experience with anyone else that may need it.

 

THank you for sharing. I appreciate it.

 

Maybe if I give some examples, people can advise me on how to deal with this?

 

Negative Person (NP), upon walking in the house after I've spent 2 hours cleaning: "I really think we need to get X in to clean this tile. It's disgusting."

 

NP, upon taking a bite of dinner I made: "How much oil did you put in this?"

 

NP, upon taking bite of dinner (different night): "It really is hard to cook pork well, isn't it?"

 

NP, when I ask whether a particular bounce house that he just bought a groupon to has Friday Nights Play Nights for the kids: "You know, I'm really busy. I just bought the groupon, you could be the one to find the times." :confused:

 

NP, flipping through our current read-aloud: "Wow, these illustrations are awful. They remind me of some terrible comics I read when I was a kid." Me: "okay, but the text is pretty amazing." NP: "Yea, maybe."

 

NP: "How come you haven't been shopping this week? We're low on milk."

 

I could go on, but I don't think I need to. He absolutely does step up at times, and really appreciates the work I put into homeschooling the boys. He's a great parent, but often loses his temper and does NOT seem "at peace" right now. I need to figure out how to protect myself and redirect him in a productive way.

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I like the word "STOP." If someone was saying things like that to me out of negativity (and I were feeling brave and assertive) I would say stop in a confident tone of voice. I learned that from my husband who's a second grade teacher. It's a one word way to show that you aren't interested in continuing down a path with someone. He uses it when he finds his kids lying to him. (He does often follow it up by pointing out exactly what the problem was, but I don't think you need to do that for an adult.)

 

The content of these comments is pretty much irrelevant. It's not like he's asking you proactively to please try cooking the pork a different way next time. Perhaps he likes to hear you try to placate him, and he feels some power in rejecting those attempts. Or he finds the negativity inside too much and feels better when he shares it. It's at too high of a cost to your sense of peace and safety, though.

 

I'm not a huge fan of the ignoring thing, only because sometimes I think it presses people into going further and further to get a response. As soon as you say stop, they know you know what they are trying to do and that you won't accept any more of it.

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THank you for sharing. I appreciate it.

 

Maybe if I give some examples, people can advise me on how to deal with this?

 

Negative Person (NP), upon walking in the house after I've spent 2 hours cleaning: "I really think we need to get X in to clean this tile. It's disgusting."

 

NP, upon taking a bite of dinner I made: "How much oil did you put in this?"

 

NP, upon taking bite of dinner (different night): "It really is hard to cook pork well, isn't it?"

 

NP, when I ask whether a particular bounce house that he just bought a groupon to has Friday Nights Play Nights for the kids: "You know, I'm really busy. I just bought the groupon, you could be the one to find the times." :confused:

 

NP, flipping through our current read-aloud: "Wow, these illustrations are awful. They remind me of some terrible comics I read when I was a kid." Me: "okay, but the text is pretty amazing." NP: "Yea, maybe."

 

NP: "How come you haven't been shopping this week? We're low on milk."

 

I could go on, but I don't think I need to. He absolutely does step up at times, and really appreciates the work I put into homeschooling the boys. He's a great parent, but often loses his temper and does NOT seem "at peace" right now. I need to figure out how to protect myself and redirect him in a productive way.

 

My earlier response ("ignore it") is probably not an appropriate reaction to this person's behavior, based on the examples you gave here. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for you. :grouphug:

Edited by Element
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NP, upon taking a bite of dinner I made: "How much oil did you put in this?"

 

NP, upon taking bite of dinner (different night): "It really is hard to cook pork well, isn't it?"

 

NP, when I ask whether a particular bounce house that he just bought a groupon to has Friday Nights Play Nights for the kids: "You know, I'm really busy. I just bought the groupon, you could be the one to find the times." :confused:

 

NP, flipping through our current read-aloud: "Wow, these illustrations are awful. They remind me of some terrible comics I read when I was a kid." Me: "okay, but the text is pretty amazing." NP: "Yea, maybe."

 

NP: "How come you haven't been shopping this week? We're low on milk."

 

 

 

How are your snappy comebacks? Low on milk: "I was busy fighting international terror" "No, it is easy to cook pork, the proof being how perfect this pork is" (big grin) "Enough oil to slide Obama right outta the White House". Etc.

 

But perhaps I think this because my El Negativo perks up the moment someone else starts laughing, and I would say these laughingly, and kiddo would join in.

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Maybe if I give some examples, people can advise me on how to deal with this? These are what my comments would be at present....(and said in a matter-of-fact, calm way, then walk away, turn around, or whatever, to indicate you have no more to say about it. Don't ask a question with it, it has to be a statement. He may choose to comment afterwards, but try to ignore it. Also it's great if you can smile & hum a tune while walking away!

Negative Person (NP), upon walking in the house after I've spent 2 hours cleaning: "I really think we need to get X in to clean this tile. It's disgusting."

(If you'd specifically been cleaning the tile..) "I think its as clean as it's going to get. I just spent 2 hours on it." remember to smile & walk away humming a tune!

 

(If you were cleaning other things, and he only commented on what wasn't done...) "Good idea...I'm so glad you mentioned it! I'm wiped out after cleaning for two hours today. I'll call 'X' tomorrow & get them to do it. Super!" (assuming X is a cleaning company, not his mother!:tongue_smilie:)

 

NP, upon taking a bite of dinner I made: "How much oil did you put in this?"

"The recipe called for __ tablespoons." "Hey kids, tell 'NP' what the most fun part of today was!"

 

NP, upon taking bite of dinner (different night): "It really is hard to cook pork well, isn't it?"

"Some people say that it is. Hey did I tell you ___(latest piece of happy/interesting news)"

NP, when I ask whether a particular bounce house that he just bought a groupon to has Friday Nights Play Nights for the kids: "You know, I'm really busy. I just bought the groupon, you could be the one to find the times." :confused:

"Shame you didn't think of asking that. Never mind - lets hope it has a convenient night so that it's not wasted"

 

NP, flipping through our current read-aloud: "Wow, these illustrations are awful. They remind me of some terrible comics I read when I was a kid." Me: "okay, but the text is pretty amazing." NP: "Yea, maybe."

Your reply was good - ignore the rest, and go on your happy way.

 

NP: "How come you haven't been shopping this week? We're low on milk."

"Oh, yeah, so we are. I'm sure we'll manage till I shop next, or if you think you'll need more than we have, it might be a good idea if you run down the the shop & grab some."

I could go on, but I don't think I need to. He absolutely does step up at times, and really appreciates the work I put into homeschooling the boys. He's a great parent, but often loses his temper and does NOT seem "at peace" right now. I need to figure out how to protect myself and redirect him in a productive way.

 

:grouphug: I know how it feels!! Just show that you're at peace (outwardly, even though inside you're not). That will lower his stress level. I'm sure they honestly don't know they're being negative, but he will notice that you're not reacting! It's hard work to begin with, and it's not really going to change his personality, but it'll make life more bearable for all!

Edited by Isabella
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How are your snappy comebacks? Low on milk: "I was busy fighting international terror" "No, it is easy to cook pork, the proof being how perfect this pork is" (big grin) "Enough oil to slide Obama right outta the White House". Etc.

 

But perhaps I think this because my El Negativo perks up the moment someone else starts laughing, and I would say these laughingly, and kiddo would join in.

:iagree:

 

This is what I do in my house. The more outrageous, the better. Now, mine doesn't perk up and start laughing. Since he's been around another close NP, they see what a downer it is.

 

But, they've also recently realized they are Negative, and from the ambo came some excellent homilies on how God isn't in the business of making people happy-only we can make ourselves happy, and the words have begun to sink in.

 

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. -Abraham Lincoln. It's framed and on my wall, right as you walk out of the house.

Edited by justamouse
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:iagree:

 

This is what I do in my house. The more outrageous, the better. Now, mine doesn't perk up and start laughing. Since he's been around another close NP, they see what a downer it is.

 

But, they've also recently realized they are Negative, and from the ambo came some excellent homilies on how God isn't in the business of making people happy-only we can make ourselves happy, and the words have begun to sink in.

 

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. -Abraham Lincoln. It's framed and on my wall, right as you walk out of the house.

 

:iagree:

 

Snappy comebacks would probably work well too, if that's what your personality type allows. I'm not a very humorous person - my jokes fall flat, so I don't attempt it too much! Also, as a side note - sarcasm does not work, and shouldn't be utilized. :tongue_smilie:

 

BTW - I love the Lincoln quote - I've written it down, and am going to make a sign using it! Some people need reminding!:D

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