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s/o making your teen volunteer


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Ok, I made this very call yesterday to a food bank and am waiting for a call back:

 

I am a volunteer at a bird rehab center. We have become very leery of parents who phone asking if we will allow their teens to volunteer. We find that it is not necessarily the teens who want to volunteer when the parents are placing the call. On the other hand, when a teen is at the door expressing a desire to do dirty work, you can bet that we are happy to hand over a sponge and mop.

 

Ok.. so if you have a 14yo who is involved in NOTHING..well, piano lessons that are also forced. You have given them options and they have taken none.. I honestly don't know what to do. He must do something.

 

So how do you MAKE your teenager be involved? He has no real passions. The oldest loves computers and so has done that at church. He is heavily involved and it is fine. Youngest loves drama and music and currently has violin and piano lessons, church choir and community choir as well as children's theater. She has plenty. Middle one is lost and doesn't care.

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You cannot make them. :001_smile:

 

School is "business", it is their only real responsibility at this point in life and they have to do it properly. When it comes to their free time, however, I am reluctant to intervene. Never say never, but I cannot imagine making a child volunteer or take upon themselves additional obligations - I think the whole point of that free time is that it is, well, free. With no strings attached to it, no expectations from them to devote it to other people.

 

You can offer, but you cannot coerce.

I mean you can, theoretically, but then it loses the value of their free time and becomes extended "business".

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You cannot make them.

 

Agreed.

 

Further, if you try, I don't think it has any value. I don't think coerced "volunteers" are especially helpful to the organization, and I doubt they get much out of the experience, either.

 

I've been in situations where teens have been told they must assist, and it's more trouble than it's worth.

 

I completely understand the organization's position.

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Ok.. so then what do you do????? My middle child is taking piano and going to youth. That is it. He has way too much time ( though he should be doing academics but that is another thread) to torture his younger sister!!!!! He needs to DO something.

 

Honestly, this is not a problem we've ever encountered. So, I have no suggestions. I have the opposite concern here, most of the time, having kids who ALWAYS want to do more than we have time, energy or money to indulge.

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This child is not an aspie in any way. Here is part of a post I sent to someone who suggested to limit screen time:

 

He gets 2 hours of computer game time on the weekend. He reads CONSTANTLY. That is what I find him doing instead of math or science. He will be rereading a Jeff Shaara book or I just got him a Stephen ambrose book for a buck at the library book sale basement. Other than that he finds his sister and plays/tortures her. Yesterday they were trying to find a way to trap the cat in the bed and had Mt. Kilamangaro made out of every pillow, blanket, etc on the bed. It nearly reached the ceiling and the cat could still jump over it... GRRR. That is part of the problem. He isn't a good influence on my daughter and I want him out of the house!![We don't watch tv except occasional netflix. They get to watch one college game and one pro game on the weekend. (Football) Yep, he is bored. He thinks all the kids at church are ps and weird ( all cell phones, pop culture and thinking burping is funny) and all the homeschool kids are weird ( dress in camo, tons of children, no vaccination...UGGG. To be honest, I'm a conservative at church and a liberal at the homeschool group. Not all of the people are like that in the homeschool group, but most are. The group is in the town 30 minutes away. There are homeschoolers here but they are VERY conservative ( women should wear dresses). I do have one friend here who is like minded.

Edited by choirfarm
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Cultivate passions.

 

My son at age 14 taught a 4-H workshop on fly tying, something that he began learning how to do several years before. Eventually he taught electronics workshops for 4-H but it was at this age that he was soldering and assembling kits.

 

Does your son have programming or computer interests? Let him cultivate those. Another thing that my son did in high school was take a junked computer, strip it and then rebuild it for a non-profit.

 

Part of my point though is that the "cool" volunteer stuff may not happen instantly. Skills need to come first. Does your son have access to a workshop? One of my son's friends spent his high school free time building a boat.

 

Does your son have access to tools, art materials, fishing poles, etc.?

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Cultivate passions.

 

 

Does your son have programming or computer interests? Let him cultivate those. Another thing that my son did in high school was take a junked computer, strip it and then rebuild it for a non-profit.

 

Part of my point though is that the "cool" volunteer stuff may not happen instantly. Skills need to come first. Does your son have access to a workshop? One of my son's friends spent his high school free time building a boat.

 

Does your son have access to tools, art materials, fishing poles, etc.?

 

NO!! No computer interest at all. Part of that is because it is his brother's interest and of course, we must do the opposite of what oldest does.

 

Well my dh has a whole shop full of tools, but he has no interest in building anything. When the boys were younger, my oldest would build the lego set while he would take out the lego people and play and act things out with them. He could never put a set together.

 

He was good at my sticks /drama group but doesn't want to do it anymore. ( That is MY and daughter's thing.) He HATES everyone staring at him on stage and has gotten very self conscious. (Growing 5 inches in a year will do that!!)

 

We live on 50 acres and he does help with the cows, but doesn't enjoy it. He pained our shutters a couple of weeks ago.

 

What he is great at is imitating Tim Hawkins. He is hilarious and can do all the voices. He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh a lot when I am not trying to kill him.

Edited by choirfarm
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I agree, it sounds like he needs more preparation before he can be a successful volunteer. He has to learn to be a good worker at home first.

 

Could you not give him jobs? Pay him to build an entertainment center for you, or to paint the basement, or to wash the car on M,W,F and the house windows on T, Th, S.

 

Boys need jobs. Some make their own jobs to keep themselves busy, but some need us to assign jobs.

 

Once, in sheer desperation, I paid an 8yo $1 per day to plant flowers all along the driveway. He was driving me crazy! Wouldn't play or amuse himself, went around bickering with everybody. He needed a job.

 

He got done quicker than I thought he would, so I then paid him to move them all six inches to the side.

 

After your 14yo fixes up your entire homestead he can move on to small engine repair. Sometimes there's money to be made in that.

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Oh, my goodness, you have 50 acres and cows. (faints)

 

I would have that boy running the place. If he doesn't love it, maybe while his muscles work his mind can think of something he'd rather do.

 

Honestly, there isn't much to do and dh does it with them. HE got paid to clear the wood for our 150 year old oak tree, to paint our shutters, etc.

 

We are putting out the hay for the cows. They walk the fence row to make sure it doesn't have tree limbs on it. Other than that, there isn't much to do....

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I agree, it sounds like he needs more preparation before he can be a successful volunteer. He has to learn to be a good worker at home first.

 

Could you not give him jobs? Pay him to build an entertainment center for you,

 

 

 

After your 14yo fixes up your entire homestead he can move on to small engine repair. Sometimes there's money to be made in that.

 

Ok, how in the world would he know how to do all this stuff. As I said, he couldn't even put together legos as a kid without me helping. ( And if you knew how inept I was at doing anything like that...half the time I had to get my oldest to help us interpret the diagram. He just couldn't build them.)

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Gosh, I don't know. That sounds very frustrating, and I think it sounds a little familiar! I guess maybe what I'd do is try to get your super-supportive and caring hat on and find a good time to have a friendly chat with him. He might not appreciate it, but somehow get the topic going about people's interests, careers, etc. I don't have good advice on how to go about that (because I can imagine that if I tried, my ds would be rolling his eyes and feeling that I'm on his case)., but maybe you're better at that than I am! Anyway, somehow I'd get to the point that it would be helpful to HIM if he found something really fun and would he like some help finding it? Listen and then maybe together come up with ideas. What about a job where he earns money? I'd think a kid would be all over that. If he is resistant or has no ideas, maybe have some ideas of your own handy.

 

So then if he didn't think any of this sounded good, I'd tell him in a caring way (ha!) that it's your job as a parent to make sure he learns responsibility, etc. and that if none of these ideas appealed to him, that then you would choose and your choice is a bunch of work at your house (hopefully outside away from dd). And then have him do that. No, it is not nearly as good experience as working for someone, but at least he's active and working. If you really want him out of the house, I'd just sign him up for some class/activity (preferably physical) or whatever (as long as you don't think he'll be a problem for the instructor). But that's me. That's what I'd do if there was a problem with him being at home too much and being negative with siblings.

 

And I'd consider sending him to some kind of camp like Outward Bound, etc. if it is affordable. I think once he got in something like that he isn't going to want to be the negative kid of the group, it really WOULD be fun, and he'd learn so much...and hopefully see that hard work can be fun, and that there are lots of interesting kids out there with a passion for whatever.

 

Good luck!

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Once, in sheer desperation, I paid an 8yo $1 per day to plant flowers all along the driveway. He was driving me crazy! Wouldn't play or amuse himself, went around bickering with everybody. He needed a job.

 

He got done quicker than I thought he would, so I then paid him to move them all six inches to the side.

 

That is SO darn funny! I love that!!!!

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That's an age when a lot of kids are trying to figure out what their more grown-up interests are, I think. I don't think I'd force him to volunteer. Perhaps you could first volunteer as a family, or as a parent-son team?

 

Other than that, I'd try exposing him to various activities to cultivate an interest. Often an interest leads to opportunities to volunteer. For example, one of my children loves singing and playing her guitar, and she is asked to volunteer at nursing homes, non-profit business Christmas parties and gatherings, etc.

 

Does he have one other friend you can arrange to have over once/week? Maybe you could help get them both into an interesting project: putting together models, a carpentry project, gardening... My two children who love to read also eventually learned to love to write. Perhaps he'd be interested in writing?

 

Are there community ed classes you can send him to, so he can try out different interests?

 

At that age my kids and another homeschool family with similar age kids got into circus performing. Nothing fancy, just stuff they could do at home, or on a farm: unicycling, juggling, trampoline, etc. Eventually they were asked to unicycle in parades. They did this every summer for years.

 

Karate? Chess? Cooking?

 

Just trying to brainstorm.

 

I also would support someone else's idea of perhaps paying him a little to volunteer. Is there a volunteer group he'd be especially interested in? Working at a humane society, etc? Would he do it if you paid him $5/hour? Usually I wouldn't use money to "bribe," but I don't think of this as bribing. I think it can be useful to jumpstart an interest.

 

When my daughter was past the beginning level of guitar/singing, she thought about quitting. We felt she was talented, and didn't want her to give up just yet. My husband offered to pay her to arrange five hymns. She happened to owe us money, so this was good incentive for her to do it! She spent several months working on it, and it eventually led to her life's passion (at least for now ;)).

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He has way too much time ( though he should be doing academics but that is another thread) to torture his younger sister!!!!! He needs to DO something.

 

Sounds like an ideal candidate for more chores. Try to make sure they are actually helpful to you and not just busy work. Big, project-type chores. Cleaning out the basement/garage. Painting. Building/mending the fence. Etc.

 

Offer to pay him (with the understanding that offering to pay does not mean the job is optional ... the payment is optional on your part and will only be awarded if the job is done well).

 

Kids need to be useful. Make him useful.

 

And I don't agree with others who say school is a kid's only responsibility. Kids have responsibilities to their families. They also have a tendency to engage in unhealthy brooding. Requiring them to do something (when they have demonstrated that not doing something is not working) is, imo, part of good parenting.

 

Tara

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T

I also would support someone else's idea of perhaps paying him a little to volunteer.... Would he do it if you paid him $5/hour?.

 

Isn't that an oxymoron?

If somebody does work for pay, it no longer is volunteering - it is a job.

I completely agree that jobs are useful for teenagers (I pay my 12 y/o for several things) and that jobs can lead to long-lasting interests, but it would be cheating to call this "volunteering".

 

To the OP: My DS is a bit like your son. He is very introverted and does not enjoy any group situations - so clubs, teams etc are out. He would prefer to be home by himself all day.

What we do to get him exposed to different things is to do it together. For instance, this afternoon, he is going to help DH build several computers from parts. We go to the theatre, we hike, we travel, we go to museums - he would not go out of his own motivation, but he comes with us. Our kids are allowed to opt out of family outings only if they have a specific plan what they want to do instead (DD got to go riding instead of coming with us, but not to hang around and watch videos).

 

I see the value of unstructured time in the teen years; thinking, brooding, seemingly doing nothing are valuable (to a certain degree). They never have this time later.

Edited by regentrude
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Isn't that an oxymoron?

If somebody does work for pay, it no longer is volunteering - it is a job.

I completely agree that jobs are useful for teenagers (I pay my 12 y/o for several things) and that jobs can lead to long-lasting interests, but it would be cheating to call this "volunteering".

 

I'm so glad someone else said that!

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Isn't that an oxymoron?

 

I don't think so. My dd17 can't get a job because her school schedule keeps her so busy that no place would be willing to hire her for that few/erratic hours.

 

If a place were willing to let her come and volunteer on a somewhat erratic basis, with full understanding that her school responsibilities come first, I wouldn't be opposed to paying her. She's unhappy that she can't get a job, and to me, the value of a job during the teenage years is in training a teen to show up and work hard.

 

Tara

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As much as he loves to read, can you get him to volunteer at the library? Or maybe he could work part time at a used book store? Since his passion is books, I'd try to find him a way to be involved with books. Has he tried writing a book yet? NaNoWriMo has script writing month in the spring or you could download the student workbook from their novel sight and get him writing. Is there a homeschool newspaper he could write for?

 

More chores are great. I have a 14 (almost 15 yo) who needs to be useful too. He has a few more interests than your son though, so he stays busy enough. We try to make sure he has some work to do outside when we can like mowing (we have acreage) and helping with firewood in the fall, and snow removal in the winter. I agree that if you find jobs for him, he will be more likely to think of things he would prefer to do while he is out working.

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I don't think so. My dd17 can't get a job because her school schedule keeps her so busy that no place would be willing to hire her for that few/erratic hours.

If a place were willing to let her come and volunteer on a somewhat erratic basis, with full understanding that her school responsibilities come first, I wouldn't be opposed to paying her. She's unhappy that she can't get a job, and to me, the value of a job during the teenage years is in training a teen to show up and work hard.

 

I understand and I agree that it is valuable for your DD - but I still would not call this volunteering because the whole point of volunteering is to selflessly donate time and expertise without monetary reward.

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From the other posts and your responses, it sounds like you've really got TWO issues going here that you want to address -- typical issue of a 14yo boy without motivation, and how to go about volunteering. I'm just addressing the second issue.

 

Here are some past threads to at least commiserate with the first issue:

Another mom frustrated with teen boy

Frustrated with unmotivated teen

Help, teen motivation seriously lacking

Dealing with teen hibernation

25 things a teen boy can do besides play computer games!

Teen ownership of academics - HOW?

Why is teen son so angry (and if not angry, wants to be left alone)

What does your DS pre-teen do all day???

 

 

We do volunteering together. To fulfill the community service hours I require of us each year, we do it WITH them. I don't think it is reasonable to expect our children to want to give up their time in service to others unless we model it for them and do it with them.

 

We also try and do different things, which expands our horizons, and so we don't always do something that one of us really dislikes doing. That also gives all of us the chance to try a wide variety of types of service -- doing something solo, doing something one-on-one, doing something as part of a large group, working with our hands, using our minds, etc. We've done yard work, helped friends pack/move, assisted at a fundraising yard sale, made and delivered meals, participated in collecting canned goods for the local food bank, teach and/or assist in Sunday School, volunteered to babysit for a needy family (that shy little boy LOVED our teen DSs -- he thought they were so cool! Which also really made DSs feel special!)...

 

A wonderful side benefit: it ends up being something where we have fun -- joking around together, doing something together. No, DSs do not really look forward to doing it, and one really hates yard work -- but by us all doing it together, I think it has helped him get past himself and his own attitude (well, okay, after the first half hour of grumbling!) seeing that we are ALL doing it, and that it really accomplishes a lot working as a team. And definitely a legitimate sense of pride of accomplishment when finished. :)

 

We do not require a large number of hours per school year -- about 20. That comes out to about 5 hours per quarter -- about one long Saturday afternoon every 9 weeks of school. That is manageable for everyone's schedule.

 

DSs are just now (ages 18 and 19) starting to find some interests of their own, and occasionally volunteer for things of interest to them, or at least fits in best with their skills. Both DSs just finished training to run the AV system at church and so will be doing that once a month. The older one has been volunteering to help on a friend's film project, and volunteered to mentor new students at the weekly Youth & Gov't meetings last semester. The younger one is starting to plan how he can organize an mini Ultimate Frisbee tournament with the local homeschooling students.

 

 

Hoping volunteering will end up being the positive "stretching" experience, good family fellowship time, and blessing for your family that it has been for ours! Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited by Lori D.
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Well, my volunteering consists of doing music for VBS, children's choir, youth sticks, praise team, adult choir, etc. I do work at the food bank and he has come with me. We have gone as a family to the homeless shelter several times a year. He has come with us on overseas mission trips...

In the summer he did yard work for widows with the youth group.

He doesn't like any of it.

 

We do volunteering together. To fulfill the community service hours I require of us each year, we do it WITH them. I don't think it is reasonable to expect our children to want to give up their time in service to others unless we model it for them and do it with them.

 

We also try and do different things, which expands our horizons, and so we don't always do something that one of us really dislikes doing. That also gives all of us the chance to try a wide variety of types of service -- doing something solo, doing something one-on-one, doing something as part of a large group, working with our hands, using our minds, etc. We've done yard work, helped friends pack/move, assisted at a fundraising yard sale, made and delivered meals, participated in collecting canned goods for the local food bank, teach and/or assist in Sunday School, volunteered to babysit for a needy family (that shy little boy LOVED our teen DSs -- he thought they were so cool! Which also really made DSs feel special!)...

 

A wonderful side benefit: it ends up being something where we have fun -- joking around together, doing something together. No, DSs do not really look forward to doing it, and one really hates yard work -- but by us all doing it together, I think it has helped him get past himself and his own attitude (well, okay, after the first half hour of grumbling!) seeing that we are ALL doing it, and that it really accomplishes a lot working as a team. And definitely a legitimate sense of pride of accomplishment when finished. :)

 

We do not require a large number of hours per school year -- about 20. That comes out to about 5 hours per quarter -- about one long Saturday afternoon every 9 weeks of school. That is manageable for everyone's schedule.

 

DSs are just now (ages 18 and 19) starting to find some interests of their own, and occasionally volunteer for things of interest to them, or at least fits in best with their skills. Both DSs just finished training to run the AV system at church and so will be doing that once a month. The older one has been volunteering to help on a friend's film project, and volunteered to mentor new students at the weekly Youth & Gov't meetings last semester. The younger one is starting to plan how he can organize an mini Ultimate Frisbee tournament with the local homeschooling students.

 

 

Hoping volunteering will end up being the positive "stretching" experience, good family fellowship time, and blessing for your family that it has been for ours! Warmest regards, Lori D.

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Well, my volunteering consists of doing music for VBS, children's choir, youth sticks, praise team, adult choir, etc. I do work at the food bank and he has come with me. We have gone as a family to the homeless shelter several times a year. He has come with us on overseas mission trips...

In the summer he did yard work for widows with the youth group.

He doesn't like any of it.

 

 

Choirfarm: Sounds like you ARE doing volunteering, you're doing it together as a family, doing a variety of kinds of volunteering, so... this is not YOUR problem; you are providing all you can as a parent. Good job! :)

 

Rather, this sounds like typical 14yo boy attitude. Not fun. But not uncommon. Went through it with both our DSs, too -- one just a little attitude, the other more so. This is the age DSs are really pulling away from mom and chafing at having to work with mom. They also are starting to pull away from family in an effort to figure out who they are as individuals. Many also "hibernate", as their own way of dealing with the transition. My extraverted younger DS really pulled in and became a hermit for several years, which was very worrisome to me, it was so opposite of his previous nature.

 

What helped ME get through this period:

1. Let them go and put them into the Lord's hands; prayed a lot.

2. Backed off; gave them more time to themselves.

3. Patiently, consistently, gently, required a civil attitude. "Please treat me with respect, just as you want me to respect you."

4. As much as possible (depending on their ability, maturity, knowledge), handed over the reins. "This is your education (or chore, or responsibility); how would you like to get it done? How do you think it can best be accomplished? Is there some way I can be of support in your efforts?"

5. Asked DH to get more involved -- this was the time DSs were becoming men; they needed men MUCH in their lives (and women much LESS in their lives) to make that transition. My DH is a firefighter on 24-hour shifts, and when home is exhausted all the time, and sadly really couldn't/wouldn't step up as much as DSs needed. But, every little bit helped.

6. Repeated step 1. Again and again. :)

 

 

Outside accountability -- part time job at a neighboring farm; Scouting with good male scout leaders; dual enrollment at the community college, or even to an online instructor -- really helps, too.

 

 

:grouphug: Wishing you all the best! Lori D.

Edited by Lori D.
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Looks like the OP found a solution. I did enjoy the conversation along the way and am just going to post anyways :tongue_smilie:

 

Further, if you try, I don't think it has any value. I don't think coerced "volunteers" are especially helpful to the organization, and I doubt they get much out of the experience, either.

 

I've been in situations where teens have been told they must assist, and it's more trouble than it's worth.

I don't know about this.

 

For one thing, my son volunteered at VBS last summer and he did NOT want to do it and he did NOT enjoy it, but he worked hard and was a very valuable asset to the organization. The organizer positively gushed about his contribution. I think it depends on the child, both his training at home and his temperament, but I don't think a kid has to *want* to volunteer in order for either himself or the organization to benefit. Not any more than a kid has to *want* to do school.

 

For the child himself, volunteering is one of those things I think you have to *DO* in order to realize the benefit. You just have to experience it, because it isn't logical that volunteering, or giving in general, would reap equal rewards for the giver. I don't think children are born with that understanding, at least most of the time.

 

Isn't that an oxymoron?

If somebody does work for pay, it no longer is volunteering - it is a job.

My son's work for VBS work last summer was a paid job, but he didn't accept the $$$. So that's an option. And I even think it's okay to accept, because really the payment of $100 or whatever was not what you'd earn in a job. But after completing the job and feeling the rewards of service, he didn't accept it.

 

Another option is to accept the $$$ and turn around and use that towards some good service. I talked to ds about doing that, but he decided his service was to VBS and not as a fund-raiser to other things. But either way works for me.

 

We do volunteering together. To fulfill the community service hours I require of us each year, we do it WITH them. I don't think it is reasonable to expect our children to want to give up their time in service to others unless we model it for them and do it with them.

I did this with my older kids. I agree that it's ideal. My youngest, however, isn't seeing this side of my life. I volunteered from my teens up into my 40s, but now I need to be home. I have to believe he can learn it another way :)

 

He got done quicker than I thought he would, so I then paid him to move them all six inches to the side.

I'm still :lol::lol: about this one! Thanks for the chuckles :)

Julie

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