OnTheBrink Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 My son went out Sunday with his friends and hasn't been back since. No phone call, nothing. I have no clue where he is, if he's ok and I'm FURIOUS. I have repeatedly told him that I need a phone call if he's not coming home at night. Not permission to stay out, but the simple courtesy of a heads up that he's fine and staying with this friend or that. Two nights, no call. I've left messages on his girlfriend's cell and nothing. I'm so angry I could change the locks right now and set his carp on the porch and be done with it. I am TIRED of being treated as if I'm a non-human. I don't ask much from him. 1) Clean up after yourself in the common areas. 2) Make sure the cans are out by Thursday mornings. 3) Let me know if you're not coming home at night. He's supposed to be moving into his own place by the end of summer, but I tell you, if this happens again, it'll be much sooner than that. :cursing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J. at J.A. Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I'm so sorry! That must be terribly nerve-wracking. I'll shoot up a prayer that he realizes his mistake and calls right away! Hugs, Angela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Virginia Dawn Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I'm so sorry you are going through this. Going out of your mind with worry is no fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I think your son is the same age as mine, more or less. Mine is 20. I think your rules are very generous, and he's lucky to have had them. My DH tells our son that this is not a 'flop house' so people who live here sleep here, and people who don't want to sleep here can live whereever it is that they do sleep. Which is probably why he doesn't live here, lol, though the rules seems to apply to visitors too. I know that rule woudn't work for everyone, but I would find your situation intolerable, and you have my great sympathy, however you choose to handle it. Hang in there. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaid Dad Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I'm assuming your ds is an adult living at home (sorry if I missed the details earlier). I would wait to see why he hadn't contacted you. Assuming there hasn't been any mishap and it's just because he blew off your house rules, then I would indeed tell him that he needs to find another place to stay right now. You don't need this kind of worry and irritation. Just a side note: I strongly urge you not to agree to store any of his stuff. Let's just say that I have some experience with doing that for less-than-entirely-responsible people and I will never do it again, not even for my own child, if it comes to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Oh man...I'd be soooo furious too! Post and let us know that he got home ok though. I agree with the others too...time he start looking for an apt and gets the feel of rent, utilities etc. Nothing like a little debt to make a young adult appreciate their parents more. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 I think your son is the same age as mine, more or less. Mine is 20. I think your rules are very generous, and he's lucky to have had them. My DH tells our son that this is not a 'flop house' so people who live here sleep here, and people who don't want to sleep here can live whereever it is that they do sleep. Which is probably why he doesn't live here, lol, though the rules seems to apply to visitors too. I know that rule woudn't work for everyone, but I would find your situation intolerable, and you have my great sympathy, however you choose to handle it. Hang in there. Dana Yep, he's 20. Is this common behavior for that age? I don't remember being so selfish at that age, but then again, I had HIM at 20 and was on my own. I get the same feeling in my stomach as when EX would be gone for days. Only in his case, I actually hoped he was dead instead of what he was really doing. With ds, I don't hope he's dead so I can KILL him when he gets home! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Been there-Done that....TWICE!!!!! Yup, two different kids treated me this very way. Neither of them live here now. With my oldest we were just so shocked by being the parents of a so-called adult that we let him run roughshod over us all he wanted. We were total suckers. Next kid who wished to reside in my house after the age of legal adulthood and come and go at her pleasure found herself with no place to live this summer. Or any summer to come. Or any school breaks. Nope. Not gonna do it. It's my way or the highway. (That was an incredibly hard thing to do, by the way. Telling your sobbing, pleading, begging 19 year old that there is no way on God's green earth that she is moving into your house and no she cannot even stay here tonight while she figures out where to live, reminding her that you warned her about this after spring break and you reminded her every couple of weeks all semester long and you are very sorry that she did not take you seriously but that you were very serious.....not fun at all.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 :grouphug: I'd be angry, too. I hope he returns home quickly and is at least repentant. May God grant you peace until he does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Michelle, I'm sorry :( I hope you hear from him soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 No advice, just huge hugs!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 UGH!! Being 20 doesn't negate him from having manners and respect. Sorry you are having to worry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 :grouphug: I hope he calls or contacts you soon. Hang in there.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Wow, Michele. Big doings. It seems like he's been sowing his wild oats a lot lately, hasn't he? I agree with the others. If he wants to be treated like an adult, let him have it. The first thing that an adult does is to support him/herself, and find a place to live. I'm here if you want to talk. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caitlinsmom Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 <Hugs> I am sorry you have to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Yep, he's 20. Is this common behavior for that age? I don't remember being so selfish at that age, but then again, I had HIM at 20 and was on my own. I would say my son can be a bit selfish. We have to be very clear about things with him. We have to be very direct. The thing is, Michelle, this is your house. It's your home. You are entitled to live there in peace with whatever that means for you. I'm sure he feels that, as an adult, he should be able to come and go as he pleases. And I see his point, but if I were his mother I would say, "Yes, from *your* home, you can come and go as you please. In *my* home the rules are different. I will absolutely support you establishing your own home. You really ought to, because you will be much happier living under those rules. In this house, we have a 1:00 curfew." Except that I really don't even think I would give him another chance right now. I think I'd pack up all his stuff so it's ready to go to goodwill or go with him the day he comes back. I don't think I could put up with it, and I know my DH wouldn't allow it. I know you probably feel more vulnerable as a single Mom, and I am not implying that my way is "right." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I want to add this as an encouragement. When we stood up to our daughter and told her that she could not live here things got really nasty. It was a nasty scene. That was in May. Now we are in June and she comes and mows our yard sometimes. Sometimes she comes to church and when she does she sits with us. She calls me when she is stressed, she calls me when she has happy news. She knows that she has our emotional support and even some financial help. She is learning to own up to the things she has been responsible for that make her life so complicated. She is learning to forgive us for the parenting mistakes we made. Sometimes the best thing for the parent/adult child relationship is a little distance. In our case it is only 10 minutes of distance, but it is enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancypants Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I agree with Plaid Dad. Someone needs a wee dose of reality. :grouphug: My Mom went through way more than her share of this kind of thing with my younger brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Sorry you're going through this! Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 He's back and not dead. Yet. He came in and I said, "What day is it?" He said, "Um, Tuesday?" I said, "Yes. What day were you here last?" Him, "Oh! I forgot!" Me, "Yeah, well. This won't happen again. I don't care if you want to stay over at a friend's house but you will call me to let me know you're ok and when to expect you back. If this happens again, the consequences will be harsh, swift and dire. Are you following me?" Him, "Yes. Why didn't you call (girlfriend)?" Me, "I did, THREE TIMES. Then I called (friend) and (other friend). You need to get minutes on your phone and keep it with you and turned on. I had to cancel a dental appointment for you because you could not be reached and this is NOT acceptable. DON'T do this again." He said, "You called (girlfriend)?" Me, "Yes." He had :blink: expression. I also told him he needs to reschedule the dental appointment. He is in massive rebellion right now and he's coating it in this victim mentality. "None of the church friends care, None of them ever call...Cry me a river..." I'm not sure what exactly is going on in his head; his friends ask about him all the time. They're all home from college this summer and want to see him, but he alienates himself from them. He's gotten involved in this gaming stuff, roll playing games and it's all he does when he's not working. I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't really listen. I am trying to keep the communication open with him, not alienate him, but not let him walk all over me, too. It's a fine line to walk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Yep, he's 20. Is this common behavior for that age? I don't remember being so selfish at that age, but then again, I had HIM at 20 and was on my own. It's common behavior at *any* age, I regret to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristavws Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 My daughter did the same thing last year when she was a senior. I left her a voice mail on her cell that if she did not contact me by 5pm I was going to call the police and report *MY* car stolen. She called home shortly after I left the voice mail. Absolutely infuriating. She is still in this selfish, non-rule following, life is one, big party mode, and consequently is not allowed to live in our home. Sorry you are going through this..... Krista Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 You are walking a fine line, but sounds like you're doing as good a job of it as you can. I'm so glad everything worked out, i.e., nothing serious happened to him! Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Him, ..."Why didn't you call (girlfriend)?" ...that it is HIS responsibility to call YOU, not your responsibility to hunt him down! I agree with Plaid Dad: "Assuming there hasn't been any mishap and it's just because he blew off your house rules, then I would indeed tell him that he needs to find another place to stay right now. You don't need this kind of worry and irritation." It's time for 'tough love'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 :grouphug: I"m glad he's home now! All I can do is let you know I'll be praying for you in this situation, and will be hoping that things smooth out!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I'm glad he's home. Stinker...:grouphug: He's back and not dead. Yet. He came in and I said, "What day is it?" He said, "Um, Tuesday?" I said, "Yes. What day were you here last?" Him, "Oh! I forgot!" Me, "Yeah, well. This won't happen again. I don't care if you want to stay over at a friend's house but you will call me to let me know you're ok and when to expect you back. If this happens again, the consequences will be harsh, swift and dire. Are you following me?" Him, "Yes. Why didn't you call (girlfriend)?" Me, "I did, THREE TIMES. Then I called (friend) and (other friend). You need to get minutes on your phone and keep it with you and turned on. I had to cancel a dental appointment for you because you could not be reached and this is NOT acceptable. DON'T do this again." He said, "You called (girlfriend)?" Me, "Yes." He had :blink: expression. I also told him he needs to reschedule the dental appointment. He is in massive rebellion right now and he's coating it in this victim mentality. "None of the church friends care, None of them ever call...Cry me a river..." I'm not sure what exactly is going on in his head; his friends ask about him all the time. They're all home from college this summer and want to see him, but he alienates himself from them. He's gotten involved in this gaming stuff, roll playing games and it's all he does when he's not working. I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't really listen. I am trying to keep the communication open with him, not alienate him, but not let him walk all over me, too. It's a fine line to walk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I've got a 20 yr old home from college, but we don't have that problem because there's no where to go out here. I hope you hear from him soon. Let us know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I agree with Plaid Dad that he needs to find his own place. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he cannot have the common decency to let you know of his wherabouts, then he will find all of his belongings on the front lawn and he will have to find another place to live. He is taking advantage. I remember when my older brother stopped caring about my mom's rules. He did come home to find all of his belongings on the lawn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 My 18 year old dd found herself with a decision: follow our rules or move out. Well, she moved out in January. Because of this decision she can only attend college part-time as she has to work full-time to survive. The upside to all this is we actually get along much better now. Of course, she loves telling her friends that she "had to move out - mom and dad made her". No she didn't. She just needed to be home before 3:00 to 4:00 AM. I need my sleep, her dad needs his sleep so he can work and support us. And she needed to respect this household and the people in it. An expensive lessons, but I hope, a worthwhile one. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 It is so easy for me to tell you to kick the little ingrate out. But it is a whole different ballgame when the person in question was once your little baby. You powdered his behind, for goodness' sake, how could you be so cruel as to kick him to the curb? However, I suggest remembering why you made those sacrifices for him all these many years. Because you love him and want the best for him. Enabling him to wallow in selfish and self-destructive behavior not only is harmful to him, but horrendously damaging to any grandchildren he may father while he is out there sowing his wild oats. If you choose to allow him "one more last chance", I would put the consequences in writing and have him read and sign them. I would include that his belongings will be boxed up if he does not make contact within 24 hours. They will be placed in the garage for a second 24 hour period and then donated to charity. He can repurchase them there at his discretion and convenience. You deserve better and so does he. Be strong enough to do the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I think hillfarm's suggestions are excellent. Though (not being his mom myself) I don't see why you're giving him another chance. He's an adult, he wants to live as an adult--so let him go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaCA Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow, if he does it again... your generous! It took much less for me to tell my 20 yr. old it's time to leave the nest. I tell all of mine, I am not running a free motel! I do have to admit I did the same thing to my poor dear mother and I was even younger than your son. :( I wanted to do what I wanted to do and didn't want to face the music even to say hey, this is what I'm going to do. Anyway, I hope everything is fine. I don't know how you've gotten any sleep. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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