Mean Girls

[Mogster]

My heart is so broken right now. My 9 yr old dd has been treated so badly and I am at a loss on how to help cheer her up. She is the most kind-hearted girl I know. She has been known on many occasions to stand up for people that are being made fun of. She has more empathy than most adults I know. And on top of all that, she is so beautiful. I have people (even strangers) tell me how beautiful she is. So why is she always singled out and treated so meanly? Last night at a Karate class, a supposed friend of hers completely ignored my dd. She and another girl hid behind some kicking bags and giggled about my dd. My dd being so confused as to why her friend wouldn't want to even glance her way walked over to these girls and they immediatly turned and walked in the other direction talking and laughing. This happend about 3 times before my dd just put her head down and stood over in the corner by herself, waiting for class to start. And on top of all this, she has been dealing with a boy at swim practice who yells and harrasses her every time she passes him. She is so sensitive and kind and can't understand why anyone would want to treat people like this. She is beginning to think that something is wrong with her as this is not the first time things like this have have happened. I feel so badly for her. I feel like just taking her out of these sports so she doesn't have to deal with it anymore, but I know that isn't the right answer. What would you say to a little girl that has been treated this way? I want so badly to help her, but I don't know what to do or say.

[Soph the vet]

I have a dd9 and I have seen her on both sides of this (usually the teasing is more at her younger siblings when friends are present). It is a good lesson in the golden rule, for starters, Love thy neighbor as thyself. This is hard for adults, I realize, but at least talking to her about forgiveness, still being kind to her friends, etc. is the place to begin. I would also talk to her about maturity vs. immaturity and what that looks like and how she can "rise above" the situation rather than sinking to the offender's level. I don't know what you believe about God or prayer, but then I usually talk with my dd about praying for the person who had hurt her feelings. And then we also talk about the friends she has who are "true" and what kind of qualities they have that make them that way.

[amy g.]

I have a 9 year old who was called a nerd in her Art class last year. I think the girl who said it was jealous of Dd's being so beautiful, but most of all, I think she was jealous because the teacher and the other girls really like my daughter.

 

So this is what I did. First, I told her that if she wanted me to, I'd call the teacher, or the other girls mom to discuss it. Dd didn't want that. then I told her that when someone treats you that way, they are really saying, "You are so happy, and talented and well-loved that being around you makes me feel bad about myself." It took a a bit of talking, but she really understood it, and she is still sweet to the other girl. We also made a list of all of Dd's friends who are true blue and can be counted on. This put the one hateful girl in perspective.

 

As someone who was beautiful, (not bragging, because I'm fat and old now) and excluded because of it. I'd say that it is something that will happen more and more as she gets older. Taking her out really won't solve the problem. She really needs to see it from the other girls' point of view.

[2cents]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to your daughter. Other than just doing things to bolster her confidence and letting her know that what these people are doing is not her fault, I don't think you have many other alternatives. She can't change the behavior of the others but she can control how she allows it to make her feel. The less she appears bothered or intimidated by the treatment the less of a target she will be. Go through some play-acting senarios with her and work on some ways that she can learn to show these mean kids that she is not affected by them. For example-when the boy at the pool taunts her-she needs to stop-look him right in the face-laugh at him and move on. When she stops giving the kids the expected reaction (sadness, anxiety, fear) they will eventually leave her alone and move on. (((Hugs)))

[RegularMom]

I have had this experience as well. I was considered a "beauty" as a child and young adult. And there were a few occasions where I discovered that some girls resented me for my looks. (I supposed what saved me from complete and total ostracization was the fact that I was rather flat-chested. ha ha ha.) Am I still beautiful? Oh, I suppose so. But in a different way. I'm approaching 40 now, and I don't look quite the same as I did as a teen. And I'm cool with that. And so is RegularDad, and that's all that matters.

 

And now I have two daughters who also are strikingly beautiful, and I do get lots of comments in that regard from others. And I know at some point, they will have this experience of being disliked just because of their looks. It's not a common occurrance, but it does happen. I remember even reading a book about the topic as a kid. Some sort of fictionalized thing. It helped a lot. I'd suggest looking for some books like it for your daughter to read.

 

So, when and if my daughters have this experience, I'll talk to them about it. About what REAL beauty is and what REAL beauty does. And how, like Amy said, when girls hurt you because of such things, it's really because of how much they hurt on the inside. I want to teach them how to be truly beautiful people. I've met gorgeous women who were mean and rude and lorded their looks over everyone. And I've met great beauties who carried their looks with grace and charm and kindness. I'm hoping to teach my girls to be like the latter.

 

I also like to tell my girls that not everyone they meet in swim class (or whatever class) will become their best friends. Their lasting friends will come from their scout troops, or from friends they meet in the homeschool networks we belong to. Kids whose moms I like to hang out with. I'm trying to teach them that they will have lots of acquaintences, and a smattering of friends, and every once in a while, they'll meet good, true, lasting friends. If they're taking a class, it's because they want to learn that sport or subject. If they make a friend there, that's a bonus, but it's not the primary focus.

 

If your daughter still wants karate, by all means, she should have it. Karate will only increase her strength and poise and help her handle her beauty. And it will probably increase that beauty, both on the inside and outside. I'm willing to bet that if she sticks it out, she'll see that the relationship between those other two girls breaks down over time. Because it seems to be based on acting out in hurful ways instead of on a more solid foundation of true and honest friendship. (Does that make any sense?)

 

Well, anyway, at least know that you're both not alone in this.

[Pam Wilhelm]

It sounds like you just described my childhood!! *sigh* Why are kids (people) so mean?

 

For me, I didn't have a soft place to land........ my home was full of kids and I was the quiet obedient one that caused no problems, so I was brushed aside for those that demanded more attention. I struggled with this kind of thing all by myself. I came out of it okay.....but it would have been nicer to have a soft place.

 

My thoughts are to support her......... don't coddle her, but support her and let her know some of the motives for this kind of ...... jealousy, peer pressure, etc. She has the empathy (so do/did I).... so let that work for her... she shouldn't strike back at this behavior but just avoid it at this point. I, personally, don't feel that trying to reason with the mean girls will do any good at this point...... but knowing that they are being bullied themselves by the notion that this is how girls behave. They have become victims of the belief that girls are mean and nasty and uncaring little turds......something that is so unlike the children of God that they really are. (I'm Christian, so if my answers are off the mark, adjust to your beliefs).

 

Give her courage....... she will get through this. Support and guidance are what she needs now..... what incredible character your daughter has shown already!!! She will make it through this and come out stronger........and maybe even be friends with these girls....... and she will have the poise and grace to overlook the meanness and just love.

 

My thoughts are with you both.....and the perps.

[WTMindy]

I'm so sorry. I really don't know girls must be mean to each other. This is something I have never really understood about girls and the reason why I just hung out with the boys. I didn't have good girl friends until college because of that very trait! My dd and I talk about this quite a bit. She is also very kind and has had a couple exeriences where her friends chose to be nasty for a while. I was only able to assure her that it gets worse before it gets better, unfortunately. The best thing she can do is to make sure she is never the one making other girls feel that way, and to just know that it is not her problem, but the other girls!

[anewday]

I totally empathize! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My dd had a friend who did something similar and it hurt a lot.:(

 

Hugs to you and to your dd!

[lynn]

I am so sorry your dd is going through this. Unfortunately this is part of growing up. Not the most pleasant part but it just is. I dread the day this happens to my dd because I will probably be calling mothers and letting them know how mean their dds are. This does not happen to boys or it could be they get over it faster than girls. so this will be maybe not so new territory for me for I had my share of being teased, mocked etc and I will not allow it with my dd. ...So watch out this mama won't take that kind of foolisness!!! lol I really am not sure how I will handle this but she will have 3 older brothers that won't take it either. I will make sure that my dd is not one of the mean girls and if she happens to try to be I hope to find out about it.

[Brindee]

This happened to my dd the first time when she was 9. She was totally floored! She's soooo not like that, and couldn't understand why anyone would WANT to be that way! It hurt her deeply, she came home crying! I was angry at the other girls for awhile! But I did as some others have said, and talked out how she felt. Then told her that since she knows how it feels, she should be careful to never treat anyone else that way! She goes out of her way to be nice to other kids! This has happened to her since, and it aches, but she is better able to handle it! We have a very open relationship and are able to talk through a lot of things, so that helps as well!

 

Love her, support her, and help her learn to be a stronger person because of it! Let her know that it's what she is REALLY like that counts! More people will see the beauty of her character as well as her physical beauty, and respond to her caring ways.

 

I have no clue why girls do that either! I'm like Mindy, I spent a lot of time with the boys when I was growing up cuz I hated the pettiness of "Today I like you. Oh wait, there's someone else I like better than you, so I'm going to go play with them and ignore you and be mean to you now!" Uggggh!

 

ETA: Forgot the hugs! I'm sending them to you, so share some big ones with your dd!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Pink Fairy]

No advice here--just lots of :grouphug:. I know how it breaks a mom's heart when someone is mean to her baby!

[lynn]

 

I have no clue why girls do that either! I'm like Mindy, I spent a lot of time with the boys when I was growing up cuz I hated the pettiness of "Today I like you. Oh wait, there's someone else I like better than you, so I'm going to go play with them and ignore you and be mean to you now!" Uggggh!

 

 

That's exactly it. Why do girls think like this. where does it come from. It's a form of bullying I just don't understand.

[Jenny in Atl]

My dd12 has had a history of being the one others pick on. They say she is too nice, a goody-goody, etc. She has learned that it's not her that is the problem but them. It's still hard but in the end she has found some true friends who accept her and treat her as an equal; they don't kick her around. I have also helped her see that sometimes she adds to the problem by being seen as needy. She has really grown a lot in the last couple years. I hope the same for your daughter. She has a safe place, as others have said. You can support her through this unfortunate stage girls seem to go through.

[happyWImom]

I know how you are feeling! It just hurts your heart, probably even more than your dd is hurting! It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do. My dd had the same thing, in preschool, and I was blown away that girls could be so mean at that young age. I volunteered most days there, and had to watch my sweet throw her heart out only to have it rejected. It hurts me to think of it now! I'm sure jealousy is a huge part of the problem, and the way the other girls are being raised. All you can do is keep talking about it, and encourage her to make other friends, friends that are nice to everyone.

[Brindee]

This is one of the reasons I'm glad we homeschool. It's protected my kids from having this kind of thing happen to them daily for many hours! And when it DOES happen, it's easier for them to see how silly, no, how ridiculous, it is!

[anewday]

Y

This is one of the reasons I'm glad we homeschool. It's protected my kids from having this kind of thing happen to them daily for many hours! And when it DOES happen, it's easier for them to see how silly, no, how ridiculous, it is!

 

Coming from one who was bullied in grammar school - YES, this was a big big plus for hsing here too.

 

I just never expected it to happen in the church (naive)...

[Sasharowan]

She can't change the behavior of the others but she can control how she allows it to make her feel. The less she appears bothered or intimidated by the treatment the less of a target she will be.

 

:iagree: My daughter is the one who will turn and attack anyone she thinks is picking on her or her siblings. I (who was the one in school that everyone called names and spent all high school with my nose in a book) am constantly surprised about how people change their attitudes when they realize that she isn't going to take their treatment. She will be 9 in Sept.

[Julpost]

Funny, this thread has answered some questions I've always had about myself. I was an average looking kid and very friendly. There were some kids who just never liked me. I could never figure it out, didn't have anyone to talk to about it, and believed it was something that was wrong with me. I thought if I could just be prettier, wear nicer clothes, there had to be something I could do to make everyone like me. I always felt like there was something inherently wrong w/me. As a result, my entire adolescent through 20's, I had to always look perfect. I remember believing that when I got married, I'd have to get up early every morning before my husband awoke and get my hair and makeup on. I couldn't comprehend letting him see me un-made up. That's pretty funny looking back but kind of sad too. I just spent way too many years feeling like something was wrong w/me and not understanding what.

 

It's something that is slowly working itself out now that I'm in my mid-30's. I still struggle w/it. The other day, I had to take the kids to school and was not looking my best, to say the least. I hesitated because I wanted to get "ready" just in case I ran into someone. But then I thought, "well if someone doesn't like me because I don't look good, then they wouldn't be a good friend anyway."

 

How incredibly fortunate for our daughters to be learning these lessons now.

[Ummsamiyah]

First of all let me just say :grouphug:. Unfortunately I have been on both ends as a child. I can say I was a bully because the girl had what I wanted. On a basic conscious level, a boy liked her and not me (dumb and now embarrassing i know). but on a subconscious level it was also because she just seemed so at peace with herself and I felt so self conscious and uneven. I guess I was jealous of her self assuredness( I am sure that is not spelled right:tongue_smilie:) But as the receiver, I learned to basically blow it off. I was someone different and that was okay. I was someone smart and that was ok. I was someone who had some one who cared about me. (My mom) Unfortunately people (esp girls) can be very finicky. but realizing i didn't need them helped to ground me. I know she doesn't want you to talk to the teacher but as a mother, I think you should. If this is something that is really affecting her, I would talk to the teacher and just get him/her on your side at a way of resolving the problem.

My heart is with you though.

[ChristusG]

This is why my mother pulled my younger sister out of school and thus began her years of homeschooling. My sister (who was then about 12 years old) always got off the bus crying. She was overweight and the kids always picked on her. Kids are just plain mean. If I knew my kid was picking on another child like that, there would be BIG trouble for them.

 

But some kids are just mean for no reason at all. I think I was a pretty normal kid in my school years. I was quiet, but not nerdy or anything (not that that is an excuse anyways). But one girl in 4th grade....and another girl in 10th grade had their bully sights set on me for some reason. I ignored their remarks and stood up for myself when I needed to. The girl in 10th grade told me she was going to "meet me in the parking lot." I laughed and told her that she wasnt worth my time.

 

Your DD can stand up for herself without being mean back to them. I dont know why kids can be so cruel sometimes. It's really sad.

[Robin Hood]

Wow, a lot of 9yo girls fall into this catagory, as does my 9yo dd. At swim practice, her two lane partners, who are 2yrs older than she is, pushed her under water and started kicking her and nobody saw it. We took care of it and all seems ok now but as I was trying to figure out how to help her, a few friends with whom I shared her story told me she needs to learn how to use her words better. So we are working on kindly letting others know their limits. It's a work in progress. She can be a pill as well as being picked on.

 

I then thought about a movie I had seen and I let the girls watch it recently. I always loved the movie for the romance of the time, country, principles and of course, love. I was disappointed when I found out that the movie was an embellished poem and there was no book to read and get more of the story. I clung to the romance even though I figured there was nothing more to it. It took this abuse towards my dd to see the specialness of the movie and the poem. I reworked it, and dd and I discussed it. The main point was that it is not important to get back at those who hurt you or hold resentment in your heart towards them or especially, don't be afraid of them. Life is unfair, but we proceed forward and let life deal with those that hurt us. We be the best we can be, ignore the pain, and keep our eyes and heart on the goal. The movie was The Man From Snowy River. I now love the movie for its deeper meaning and the romance is minor.

[Brindee]

I was not a popular kid. Not UNpopular really, just not in the "IN" group. But there were those that liked to tease or bully me. I took it personally, and was very unsure of myself. My mom told me to just smile and be nice to the ones being mean, and not to retaliate. So I never did.

 

I surprised myself once, in 9th grade. I was walking to school, and a girl and her little gang came up. She was the obvious leader. She walked right up and bumped into the front of me. Then yelled, "Hey, watch where you're going!" Then she shoved me, grabbed my lunch bag away and swatted my books out of my hands. The surprise was that I didn't get angry or feel intimidated for some reason. I smiled at her and said, "It's easy for you to be tough on me, you have these people to back you up on whatever you do. I am here by myself, so there's no use defending myself or getting upset. You can keep the lunch, it's a good one...I hope you enjoy it. I'll just pick up my books and go." Then I did that. She glared at me, but she didn't bother me any more! I don't remember what was in the lunch either, but maybe she liked it? :D

 

So, the Bible is right, sometimes a soft answer turns away wrath! :)

[gardenschooler]

Poor baby. I don't know what is wrong with kids - it's that pack mentality, really. I can honestly say I don't see as much of this in our co-op as I do at other things.

 

I would just tell her that for some reason, some girls think it's fun to exclude someone, and that makes them feel better or more special somehow - but it's not right, it's not how people are supposed to treat each other, and it's about them, not her. I do think that most of the mean girls are missing something, or have anger issues, and this is the only way they can get it out.

 

It's not normal. It may be everywhere, but it's still wrong.

[summer]

I would want to know why there was such a huge lack of discipline in the karate class.

[Journey]

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is 13 and has NO "real" friends at all. That breaks my heart but it doesn't seem to bother her, unless she's just saying that because she's protecting herself. We had been going to a certain church since the day she was born. We left that church when she was around 12 years old. She had made LOTS of good friends while going there and she even had a very best friend. Well, when we left that church ALL of her friends (and mine) dumped us. So, she was left with no one close and because she's homeschooled, it made it that much harder to make new friends. It really breaks my heart and I'm not sure why. I know that when I was younger, I had lots of friends. But I also know that today's world is much different from "way back then" and people (girls mostly) aren't the same. My daughter is also very, very pretty and very nice and I think other girls (well, I know) other girls look at her and are jealous. She doesn't flaunt herself in skimpy clothing or talk trash like a sailor either. She gets along with anyone from the age of 8 to 108. She can hold a decent conversation with those ages too! I truly believe that the "friend" thing is overrated. I mean, at 13 (my daughter's age) why am I pushing it so much (to myself) that she NEEDS to have lots of friends? She likes to be around me. We have the same thing in common (horses) and we spend most of our time around our horse(s). I know where she is, who she's with and what she's doing ALL of the time. I guess I need to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with that. Phew...thanks for letting me get all of that out!

[Lizzie in Ma]

Why are kids (people) so mean?

 

 

My thoughts are to support her......... don't coddle her, but support her and let her know some of the motives for this kind of ...... jealousy, peer pressure, etc. She has the empathy (so do/did I).... so let that work for her... she shouldn't strike back at this behavior but just avoid it at this point. I, personally, don't feel that trying to reason with the mean girls will do any good at this point...... but knowing that they are being bullied themselves by the notion that this is how girls behave. They have become victims of the belief that girls are mean and nasty and uncaring little turds......something that is so unlike the children of God that they really are. (I'm Christian, so if my answers are off the mark, adjust to your beliefs).

 

Give her courage....... she will get through this. Support and guidance are what she needs now..... what incredible character your daughter has shown already!!! She will make it through this and come out stronger........and maybe even be friends with these girls....... and she will have the poise and grace to overlook the meanness and just love.

 

My thoughts are with you both.....and the perps.

 

:iagree: well said Pam. I wish I could send rep points to your lovely daughter, my own dd sounds much like her. I wish they could be friends.

[Tracey in TX]

I would want to know why there was such a huge lack of discipline in the karate class.

You can't discipline someone for not making eye contact or giggling. That's unrealistic. Doesn't make what the 'friends' did acceptable, but it's not the place of a karate teacher to make the girls get along.

[lynn]

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is 13 and has NO "real" friends at all. That breaks my heart but it doesn't seem to bother her, unless she's just saying that because she's protecting herself. We had been going to a certain church since the day she was born. We left that church when she was around 12 years old. She had made LOTS of good friends while going there and she even had a very best friend. Well, when we left that church ALL of her friends (and mine) dumped us. So, she was left with no one close and because she's homeschooled, it made it that much harder to make new friends. It really breaks my heart and I'm not sure why. I know that when I was younger, I had lots of friends. But I also know that today's world is much different from "way back then" and people (girls mostly) aren't the same. My daughter is also very, very pretty and very nice and I think other girls (well, I know) other girls look at her and are jealous. She doesn't flaunt herself in skimpy clothing or talk trash like a sailor either. She gets along with anyone from the age of 8 to 108. She can hold a decent conversation with those ages too! I truly believe that the "friend" thing is overrated. I mean, at 13 (my daughter's age) why am I pushing it so much (to myself) that she NEEDS to have lots of friends? She likes to be around me. We have the same thing in common (horses) and we spend most of our time around our horse(s). I know where she is, who she's with and what she's doing ALL of the time. I guess I need to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with that. Phew...thanks for letting me get all of that out!

 

Rest assured some kids are very content being loners. I did not have any real friends until I was in highschool but it did not always bother me either. I was content to do my own thing and be a homebody, run errands with my mom etc.

[Remudamom]

Ditto Amy!

[Chris in VA]

Boy, it takes a post like this to bring up our own feelings from childhood, doesn't it?

 

I was horribly bullied in 8th grade--new girl in school, awkward, tall, not dressed right, self-conscious--"Fresh Meat" written all over me. I would still like to go back to that time as I am now and beat the living **** out of every one of those mean girls and boys.

 

I waited so long for someone in my life to rescue me. Mom and Dad didn't see it, and when a teacher told them a little of it, my mom just said, kids can be very mean and left me to flounder. Every day was hard--you'd think that a parent would see a straight A, confident child turning into a child that got her first D's, and realize something was wrong, not with the child, but with the child's world.

Never did. When I told them as an adult what happened, they just whined "We didn't knowwww!" As if they couldn't have found out. They blamed me.

 

In the end, I don't know how to teach kids to stand up to bullies. I'm not sure the girls at your dd's karate class count as bullies--more just as mean girls. It hurts, but I'd have your daughter stay far away from them and not even try to break into their "circle." But the boy sounds a little more serious. Does your daughter have the wherewithall to look him in the eye and tell him to back the hell off? It's harassment, and if it happens again, I'd march in there and talk to the person in charge, his parent, and the kid, all together, in a firm "I'm not taking this crap anymore" voice. If it doesn't improve immediately, I'd pull her and complain to a higher up about the child. Get him kicked out. No one deserves to be treated like that, and if he's allowed to get away with it now, he'll think it's acceptable when he's older--which is both "ewww" and dangerous.

 

I'm really not sorry at all about using the words I've used, or the tone. Bullying is not just part of life that should be "tolerated" and ignored. It needs to be dealt with, and I just don't think a 9 year old should be left to deal with it alone. My 2 cents.