Dealing with 3 y/o niece misbehaving around my son

[MedicMom]

I'm new here, but I could really use some advice.

 

I have a 19-month-old little boy. I work two days a week in order to pay off my student loans; we can live comfortably on my DH's salary, but not once we factor the loans I took out for six years while trying to figure out what to do with my life. So I am kind of stuck working two days a week. My schedule is not flexible, and neither is DH's. My MIL watches the baby one day and my mother the other day. They both adore my little boy and are great with him, and for the most part, we're happy with the child care arrangements.

 

The issue is that my mother is also watching my sister's children. My neice is 3 and my nephew 18 months. My sister and I work at the same job and are consistantly scheduled to work the same shifts, though we've requested not to due to child care issues. Like I said, scheduling is not very flexible. My sister is a single mom just coming out of a very abusive marriage. she has absolutely no child care other than my mom and cannot afford day care. She has applied for day care subsidies but they are very limited. I understand she has no choice other than my mom, and that she absolutely has to work.

 

My problem is that her kids, especially her three-year-old, are terribly behaved. I understand that they are in a chaotic situation, have witnessed their mother being abused, and now that the court has given their father some visitation, are being bounced between three households(their mom's, their dad's, and my mom's) on a regular basis with no stability or consistancy. Add into this that my sister often works 40 hours straight, they go days without seeing their mom as well as their dad. I understand that this sort of chaos can create bad behavior, but it has really started to affect my son.

 

For instance, tonight, while we were all at my mom's for a birthday party, my niece picked up my son and literally tossed him out of a kid's size chair so she could sit in it. I had to pull her off of him at one point when she was trying to hug or wrestle him(not sure either) before he bit her, and she was repeatedly running around the house with her 18-month-old brother and running into my son. There were multiple instances of these kind of things. My mom would correct my niece, but my sister just sat there and said nothing. Then when it was time to go, my niece started hitting and scratching my sister, pulling hair, the whole works. My son was supposed to spend the night with my mom as a special treat(he LOVES spending the night with Grandma and rarely gets too), and when my niece threw the temper tantrum, my sister looked at my mom and asked if my niece could spend the night...my mom said she wasn't behaving, but my sister insisted, and my mom gave in. At this point I picked up my son and said I was going to take him home. I didn't mean to cause an issue, and I totally trust my mom, but I wasn't going to leave him there with my niece. And I had talked all day about going night-night at Grandma's, so now my son was confused and he is far too little to understand at all. He cried all the way home.

 

I don't know...how would you all handle this? I don't have a great deal of childcare options right now, so he has to be with my niece and nephew at my mom's once a week. And it broke my heart tonight after promising he could stay at Grandma's all day long, and my son is very verbal and cried all the way home that he was going to go night night there. Did I overreact to the situation? Should I just not say anything, or try to talk to my sister? My mom already knows how I feel, but I really feel tonight that she just caved in to my niece when she knew I would not allow my son to spend the night there(we've talked multiple times about my concerns).

 

Ugh...I'm sorry it's so long. I just value the wisdom I've read on these boards and I need some right now.

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I had some young children that I couldn't trust my child to be around. They were allowed to do whatever they wanted. We just didn't spend time with them till they got older and outgrew it all. :grouphug:

 

Could you change jobs, do something from home? Switch shifts. It sounds like you need to protect your child as at his age he can't tell you what he might be putting up with from his cousin. Could your MIL watch him 2 days instead of 1? Could you qualify for hardship deferral of some kind? Could your deliver pizza at night when DH could watch him instead?

[MedicMom]

Sorry...I forgot to mention that I will be going out on maternity leave in 8-10 weeks. I can't lose my sick/vacation time plus my Aflac, as that's what we're counting on(plus disability) while I'm off. I will go on maternity leave around 30 weeks, because I am a paramedic and my company doesn't offer light duty, so once I can no longer lift and am too big to crawl around the back of an ambulance, I will just go on maternity leave.

So looking for another job isn't possible. And I have requested another schedule multiple times, but it's just not flexible.

 

Fortunately I don't plan to return to this company after this baby is born so that will alleviate some of it but I also can't keep my son away from his grandparents/cousins, either. I hope that eventually it will only be when I am directly supervising, but I have eight more weeks of this right now.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug:

 

I think your sister gets first rights to your mom's help, given the mess that is there. She has "more need" than you do. Your poor mum doesn't need extra either. If I were you I'd find somewhere else. Is there someone you could "trade" babysitting with, or even work an extra shift to pay for babysitting? Can you go to a boss and plead?

[kolamum]

:grouphug: I agree your Mom caved. Your sister is clearly not willing to discipline her children, most likely due to the abusive situation she just walked out on. Her children, especially the 3 year old, are aware of it and taking advangate of it.

 

I am related to a person who wouldn't discipline her 3 year old who was a miserable thing to be around. Hit, bit, kicked, pulled hair, Nasty, nasty, nasty. The child was kicked out of nurseries and the whole nine yards. It was infuriating to see it happen and put up with it. You know though, when that child stayed with me she never once acted like that. EVER. She tried to give me lip about something and I simply said, "I'm sorry we don't do that here." Never had another issue.

 

Your niece behaves this way because she can. I'd probably let your Mum know that you didn't mean to cause issues and you hope you didn't. You trust her totally, but felt her hands were going to be very fully with the other child. Tell her you'd love to reschedule for your little one when it's convenient for him to have one-on-one time with grammy.

 

And, fwiw, I also know a couple of Mum's who have their children babysat by a relative of mine. When they are in the presence of my relative they do NOT discipline their children!! I joke not. They merely presume this relative will, and so she does because the children run amuck if they aren't. It's absurd, and if it were me I'd go nuts because I don't like people telling my kids how to behave when I'm there.. but clearly these people don't care.

 

They even behave this way when they invite people into their home! Been to many parties in their home where they just let this person tell their kids what to do. It's weird. REALLY weird, but anyway apparently it works for them. I have issues telling other people's kids what to do because I don't appreciate people doing it to mine, but I have recently told the neighbors off in their own yard.

 

They were chucking stuff at us over the fence and I said, VERY loudly, I'm sorry but we do not behave like that. I made my kids give all the carp back and then a few days later the little girl was SCREAMING outside. I walked out the back door and said, "I'm sorry, but there will be NO screaming unless it's an emergency." It's been weeks since she's screamed for the sake of it. :lol:

 

Apparently some people just don't give a darn.

[KungFuPanda]

This seems very temporary and there really isn't anything you can do other than ride it out. Your niece is three. She'll probably go to headstart next year and/or kindergarten the year after. It's a short season and your sister/niece are in great need. You'll be home soon, then at a different job. You may want to start looking now for other childcare arrangements.

[MHowell]

:grouphug:

 

I think your sister gets first rights to your mom's help, given the mess that is there. She has "more need" than you do. Your poor mum doesn't need extra either. If I were you I'd find somewhere else. Is there someone you could "trade" babysitting with, or even work an extra shift to pay for babysitting? Can you go to a boss and plead?

 

:iagree:

[Amy in NH]

IMO, you did the right thing in bringing him home. Three things I have learned:

 

1. Don't promise anything that you might possibly not be able to deliver. This means that you don't say anything until the very last minute, and make it a surprise instead of something to look forward to. There are a bunch of reasons I could think of where that sleepover would have been canceled, and that have nothing to do with your sister's children. If you son is too young to understand without being disappointed, he's too young to be told in advance.

 

2. Look into Income Based Repayment plans for your student loans. A google search will bring up the information you need.

 

3. Threes are terrible.

[Unicorn.]

:grouphug:

 

I think your sister gets first rights to your mom's help, given the mess that is there. She has "more need" than you do. Your poor mum doesn't need extra either. If I were you I'd find somewhere else. Is there someone you could "trade" babysitting with, or even work an extra shift to pay for babysitting? Can you go to a boss and plead?

 

:iagree: Your sister needs all the help she can get right now. You were there, did you stop your niece? Your sister is most likely beyond exhausted, physically and emotionally, and just may not have the strength to deal w/ a toddler's temper tantrum. If you are around your niece, correct her behavior. Offer to help your sister out and take her kids when you can, and help put some stability in their lives.

[MedicMom]

My sister gets offended if anyone other than her or my mom corrects her kids. It's not worth the problems, so I try to distract the kids into an activity instead.

I totally agree that my sister needs the help more than I do. I can afford childcare a day a week, I just live in a very rural area and haven't found anyone who will babysit on a Saturday, especially since I work 11am to 11pm.

I am not trykng to be a jerk and I know my sister is in a bad situation. We are close enough that I am debating carefully talkking to her, but she is sensitive about her kids. I just don't want to make a bad situation worse, kwim?

 

My husband and I are trying hard to work opposite days, but he doesn't have seniority at his new job to make schedule requests, and I lost my seniority when I went part time after having my son. We are just praying a different shift will open up for one of us, or that my OB places me on maternity leave sooner.

 

Thank you all for the support and advice. I'm a new mom just trying to do the right things by everyone, but its sometimes hard to know what the right things are.

[MedicMom]

Oh...and I know three is just a rough age to start with. And my son is no perfect angel, either, and I am sure we would have the same issues if we were dealing with the same family problems. :) I am not judging anyone, just trying to figure out how to handle it all.

[kalanamak]

I am not judging anyone, just trying to figure out how to handle it all.

 

:grouphug: Are you on good terms with your mom? Or is she too stressed to discuss this.

[Lisbeth]

What you describe sounds dangerous to me. How much bigger physically is this three year old? She could potentially do serious harm. Sis has no right to be offended if she won't prevent her child from harming yours and you step in. My point of view is that it should not be on your small child's back to take physical pain and potential damage to spare any adults' feelings or because some man abused your sister...and I do feel so bad for her, but that is a separate issue. Your little one is an innocent and is counting on you to protect him... I would put him first before everyone and everything you described. I think yr mom may be in over her head, trying to be helpful and nice to everyone. I would get him out no matter what.

[Joanne]

I'm a new mom just trying to do the right things by everyone, but its sometimes hard to know what the right things are.

 

I think some of it is related to the italics.

 

Your one born child is younger than her oldest. You haven't been through these years with your own yet.

 

Much of what you describe *is* the nature of being with and around 3 kids under 4 years old. Yes, I read the description of the interaction with neice's mom. But, in general, supervision and care of 2 toddlers and a preschooler = constant redirection, interference, and the same thing over and over.

[Anne in CA]

Could you pay your MIL for the extra day? It's only for a few weeks so she might not mind too much.

[LucyStoner]

 

Much of what you describe *is* the nature of being with and around 3 kids under 4 years old. Yes, I read the description of the interaction with neice's mom. But, in general, supervision and care of 2 toddlers and a preschooler = constant redirection, interference, and the same thing over and over.

 

:iagree:

 

Many a 3 year old pair of cousins or siblings will devolve to shouting, pushing, poking, kicking, pulling and general mayhem. My kids are great and we certainly don't fail to discipline them but just yesterday my 3 year old pulled his 3 year old cousin's hair. Asked why and dude said "just because":001_huh:. We are staying with my brother for a few days to tag team the cousins on potty training and there is an hourly fracas over something. Usually over who is holding the coveted duplo of the moment.

[Lily_Grace]

:grouphug: Your sister does sound overwhelmed at the moment. I hope things start looking up for her and she feels more in control of her life!

 

My sister gets offended if anyone other than her or my mom corrects her kids. It's not worth the problems, so I try to distract the kids into an activity instead.

 

This stood out to me. I have a mentality of "your rights end where mine begin", and that extends to being my child's protector. The same applies to your situation. If your son is bearing the brunt of this bad behavior, he needs you to step in, assert his rights, and be his backup. Not correct or punish, but simply not letting the other child mess with him. It can be anything from "You will not push him. That is mean." to physically keeping him out of her reach without you present, like you did by taking him home.

Whether or not your sister appreciates the intervention now doesn't matter. Her well-being is not an issue; your son's is. She can be ticked off and it will be okay.

[JFSinIL]

:grouphug:

 

I think your sister gets first rights to your mom's help, given the mess that is there. She has "more need" than you do. Your poor mum doesn't need extra either. If I were you I'd find somewhere else. Is there someone you could "trade" babysitting with, or even work an extra shift to pay for babysitting? Can you go to a boss and plead?

 

I agree. I would not leave my little toddler there any longer - you are trying to pay off loans, your sister is trying to survive. Her need for free/cheap babysitting trumps yours. But it is not safe for your little guy to be around those kids. Grandma obviously is not up to handle it all - what you see happening when you are at the house may be the tip of the iceberg. And your kiddo is too young to tell you if he is getting really knocked about. What would you do if he got a major bruise or broken bone from being pushed, etc.?

Edited January 13, 2012 by JFSinIL

[jennsmile]

Perhaps there is a homeschooler in your community that might be interested in helping or earning a little extra? What about Craiglist, there is often somebody that takes drop in daycare out there.

 

I understand about your sister not liking you discipling her kids. When I mentioned something to my SIL it was, "Kids are unpredictable." So in other words they can just do what they want.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

How about asking at a church/your church? There are quite often grandma-age ladies who would be willing to watch a toddler 1 day a week.

[CalicoKat]

I'm new here, but I could really use some advice.

 

I have a 19-month-old little boy. I work two days a week in order to pay off my student loans; we can live comfortably on my DH's salary, but not once we factor the loans I took out for six years while trying to figure out what to do with my life. So I am kind of stuck working two days a week. My schedule is not flexible, and neither is DH's. My MIL watches the baby one day and my mother the other day. They both adore my little boy and are great with him, and for the most part, we're happy with the child care arrangements.

 

The issue is that my mother is also watching my sister's children. My neice is 3 and my nephew 18 months. My sister and I work at the same job and are consistantly scheduled to work the same shifts, though we've requested not to due to child care issues. Like I said, scheduling is not very flexible. My sister is a single mom just coming out of a very abusive marriage. she has absolutely no child care other than my mom and cannot afford day care. She has applied for day care subsidies but they are very limited. I understand she has no choice other than my mom, and that she absolutely has to work.

 

My problem is that her kids, especially her three-year-old, are terribly behaved. I understand that they are in a chaotic situation, have witnessed their mother being abused, and now that the court has given their father some visitation, are being bounced between three households(their mom's, their dad's, and my mom's) on a regular basis with no stability or consistancy. Add into this that my sister often works 40 hours straight, they go days without seeing their mom as well as their dad. I understand that this sort of chaos can create bad behavior, but it has really started to affect my son.

 

For instance, tonight, while we were all at my mom's for a birthday party, my niece picked up my son and literally tossed him out of a kid's size chair so she could sit in it. I had to pull her off of him at one point when she was trying to hug or wrestle him(not sure either) before he bit her, and she was repeatedly running around the house with her 18-month-old brother and running into my son. There were multiple instances of these kind of things. My mom would correct my niece, but my sister just sat there and said nothing. Then when it was time to go, my niece started hitting and scratching my sister, pulling hair, the whole works. My son was supposed to spend the night with my mom as a special treat(he LOVES spending the night with Grandma and rarely gets too), and when my niece threw the temper tantrum, my sister looked at my mom and asked if my niece could spend the night...my mom said she wasn't behaving, but my sister insisted, and my mom gave in. At this point I picked up my son and said I was going to take him home. I didn't mean to cause an issue, and I totally trust my mom, but I wasn't going to leave him there with my niece. And I had talked all day about going night-night at Grandma's, so now my son was confused and he is far too little to understand at all. He cried all the way home.

 

I don't know...how would you all handle this? I don't have a great deal of childcare options right now, so he has to be with my niece and nephew at my mom's once a week. And it broke my heart tonight after promising he could stay at Grandma's all day long, and my son is very verbal and cried all the way home that he was going to go night night there. Did I overreact to the situation? Should I just not say anything, or try to talk to my sister? My mom already knows how I feel, but I really feel tonight that she just caved in to my niece when she knew I would not allow my son to spend the night there(we've talked multiple times about my concerns).

 

Ugh...I'm sorry it's so long. I just value the wisdom I've read on these boards and I need some right now.

You did the right thing, Mama Bear!

 

I've had a private conversation with my Mom about stuff like this. "Mom, I don't want ________ to happen. It's hard for us to keep ____ from hurting ______. And you shouldn't have to parent this issue when the kids are at your home."

 

My mom understands and she has said that it's a relief.

[Parrothead]

My sister gets offended if anyone other than her or my mom corrects her kids.

Then you need to look your sister in the eye and say, "Either you take care of this or I will."

 

You also have to understand that she is probably tired all the way around - physically, mentally and spiritually. Do what you can to help her through.

[SailorMom]

:grouphug:

 

I think your sister gets first rights to your mom's help, given the mess that is there. She has "more need" than you do. Your poor mum doesn't need extra either. If I were you I'd find somewhere else. Is there someone you could "trade" babysitting with, or even work an extra shift to pay for babysitting? Can you go to a boss and plead?

 

:iagree:

 

Also - remember, this is a 3 year old we're talking about. They are tough anyway. Doesn't sound like you've had a 3 year old yet - trust me, even the most angelic child in the most perfect house can be a terror. So add all the stress in there.... ug.

 

If you do not want your child around your niece, find alternative care.

:grouphug:

[kitten18]

I think some of it is related to the italics.

 

Your one born child is younger than her oldest. You haven't been through these years with your own yet.

 

Much of what you describe *is* the nature of being with and around 3 kids under 4 years old. Yes, I read the description of the interaction with neice's mom. But, in general, supervision and care of 2 toddlers and a preschooler = constant redirection, interference, and the same thing over and over.

:iagree:

[BatmansWife]

Can your MIL watch baby boy twice a week? Maybe your mom won't be offended, since she knows how you feel about the situation and since it will only be temporary anyway...until you are on maternity leave. You can still arrange to visit your mom with your son on other days. I would definitely only let your son be around neice and nephew if you are personally there....I wouldn't leave your son in the care of someone else with all the kids together. Not only would I worry about him being hurt, but also picking up naughty behavior. Also, as someone else already mentioned...look into income based repayment of your loans. Right now, we are making so little that my dh's student loans are $0 per month.

[Catwoman]

I haven't read all of the replies, so please forgive me if this question has already been answered, but what does your mom do when your niece is abusive to your son? I don't see this as a "sister issue." I see it as a "sitter issue."

 

If your mom is babysitting, she needs to be in control of the situation, and part of that control is not allowing one child to bully another.

 

This isn't about your sister's lack of parenting skills; it's about whether or not your mom is able to control your niece. Plenty of kids are terrors with their parents, but are perfect little angels at daycare, because the bad behavior isn't tolerated.

 

If your mom isn't up to the task of protecting your son, you need to remind her that he is just as important as your niece, and let her know that you expect him to be happy and safe when she's babysitting. If she can't provide the right environment for him, you really need to find another sitter.

[MedicMom]

My mom will correct and discipline my niece. My mom has eight kids and is pretty familiar with three year olds, but she feels that my niece's behavior is not typical three year old behavior. My mom thinks it is my niece craving her mother's attention, and I tend to agree. We have noticed the behavior has worsened since my sister has gotten a new boyfriend. And she is much worse when my sister is present, but that may be partly that my sister won't discipline her.

 

I am close enough with my sister that I plan to bring it up when i see her tonight. I am not judging or accusing; I am going to ask how she would like me to deal with the aggression towards my son when I witness it. Whether she would like me to say something to her daughter or just remove my son, etc. I am going to explain that we are dealing with a biting problem and I don't want her daughter to get bitten.

 

Sorry for the typos, I am using my phone to reply.

[MedicMom]

Sorry, I can't figure out how to edit my posts on the phone.

 

As far as typical 3-year-old behavior, painting your little brother with green food coloring is just being 3. Smacking him with a frying pan and telling your grandmother you are doing it just because you just want to hurt him is NOT.

 

My mom is out of town the next two weekends so my husband and I are taking some vacation time so one of us can be home these Saturdays. Hopefully by then I will have convinced my boss to move me to a different day so my sister and I are not working the same shifts.

[Catwoman]

I am close enough with my sister that I plan to bring it up when i see her tonight. I am not judging or accusing; I am going to ask how she would like me to deal with the aggression towards my son when I witness it. Whether she would like me to say something to her daughter or just remove my son, etc. I am going to explain that we are dealing with a biting problem and I don't want her daughter to get bitten.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by speaking with your sister about the problem with your niece.

 

Also, if your ds is biting people, and he bites your niece, she may seriously injure him when she retaliates. I have to admit that I feel sorry for your mom, having to deal with potential problems on both sides.

[Catwoman]

Smacking him with a frying pan and telling your grandmother you are doing it just because you just want to hurt him is NOT.

 

There is no way I would allow my child to be around your niece if she is that aggressive and confrontational. NO WAY AT ALL. This little girl could kill your son or cause permanent damage. She would probably be sorry about it afterward, but that wouldn't change what happened.

 

Hopefully by then I will have convinced my boss to move me to a different day so my sister and I are not working the same shifts.

 

I really hope you are able to work something out. I know your mom will do her best to protect your son, but if she makes one quick trip to the bathroom, your niece could bash your son in the head with something heavy or poke him with something sharp, and it could be a tragedy.

Edited January 13, 2012 by Catwoman

[AimeeM]

I understand your frustration, but the behaviour of the 3 year old sounds completely age typical.

[Kertie]

My sister gets offended if anyone other than her or my mom corrects her kids. It's not worth the problems, so I try to distract the kids into an activity instead.

 

 

I know this doesn't help with the childcare issue, but I would just let go of this. If her child is hurting your child, it's perfectly acceptable to tell her to STOP. Your niece NEEDS someone to stand up to her and SET LIMITS. It's just not OK to be allowed to beat on/hurt/etc. other kids. If your sister gets offended, well, that's too bad--maybe it will jar her out of her albeit-well-deserved fog and get her to act.

 

Could your MIL pick up another day? Could you have a sit-down with your boss and reiterate the GREAT NEED for you and your sister to not work the same day??

 

:grouphug:

[MedicMom]

I was an older teenager/young adult when my youngeat sisters were thatage. Granted, I wasn't home all the time, but I remember three year olds running around, getting into stuff, throwing washcloths into the fish tank...mischief, but not violence. I honestly do not remember a single instance of one of them at that age hurting another child just because "I felt like hurting someone." THAT is the part that strikes me as atypical toddler behavior. Not sharing, needing lots of attention, running and jumping off of couches, those aspects of my niece's behavior strike me as perfectly age appropriate. Hurting your younger brother and cousin just because you feel like hurting someone does not. Am I way off base here?

 

And honestly, it just really bothers me that my sister will not supervise or discipline her daughter when other adults are present, and just seems to be assuming everyone else will watch her kids. I am never out of eyesight from my son, because we are working hard on no biting/no hitting.

[maddykate]

I was an older teenager/young adult when my youngeat sisters were thatage. Granted, I wasn't home all the time, but I remember three year olds running around, getting into stuff, throwing washcloths into the fish tank...mischief, but not violence. I honestly do not remember a single instance of one of them at that age hurting another child just because "I felt like hurting someone." THAT is the part that strikes me as atypical toddler behavior. Not sharing, needing lots of attention, running and jumping off of couches, those aspects of my niece's behavior strike me as perfectly age appropriate. Hurting your younger brother and cousin just because you feel like hurting someone does not. Am I way off base here?

 

And honestly, it just really bothers me that my sister will not supervise or discipline her daughter when other adults are present, and just seems to be assuming everyone else will watch her kids. I am never out of eyesight from my son, because we are working hard on no biting/no hitting.

 

 

You are not way off base! You are perfectly justified in wanting to protect your son. The nieces behavior is not normal at all, in my opinion, and I would be extremely worried about her and your son. I have found that people use their bad situations as an excuse to make other really, really bad decisions and no one is allowed to say or do anything to tell them otherwise. Protect your son. I think you are doing the right thing by not letting your mom keep him for the next couple of weeks, while you try to find an alternative. Your poor mom Is caught between a rock and a hard place, and may be hurt that you dont want your son with her while niece is there, but I would not under any circumstances allow my son to be near that little girl.

 

And, at the risk of sounding super judgemental, why in the world would your sister have a new boyfriend when her life is so messed up and she had such young kids? Wow, I

Will never understand...

[beccad777]

You are not way off base! You are perfectly justified in wanting to protect your son. The nieces behavior is not normal at all, in my opinion, and I would be extremely worried about her and your son. I have found that people use their bad situations as an excuse to make other really, really bad decisions and no one is allowed to say or do anything to tell them otherwise. Protect your son. I think you are doing the right thing by not letting your mom keep him for the next couple of weeks, while you try to find an alternative. Your poor mom Is caught between a rock and a hard place, and may be hurt that you dont want your son with her while niece is there, but I would not under any circumstances allow my son to be near that little girl.

 

And, at the risk of sounding super judgemental, why in the world would your sister have a new boyfriend when her life is so messed up and she had such young kids? Wow, I

Will never understand...

 

:iagree:with all of this and especially the bolded. Good luck! Yours is not an easy situation to be in. :grouphug:

[AimeeM]

On the flip side, I've never known a child that age to NOT bite or hit in some way.

I was an older teenager/young adult when my youngeat sisters were thatage. Granted, I wasn't home all the time, but I remember three year olds running around, getting into stuff, throwing washcloths into the fish tank...mischief, but not violence. I honestly do not remember a single instance of one of them at that age hurting another child just because "I felt like hurting someone." THAT is the part that strikes me as atypical toddler behavior. Not sharing, needing lots of attention, running and jumping off of couches, those aspects of my niece's behavior strike me as perfectly age appropriate. Hurting your younger brother and cousin just because you feel like hurting someone does not. Am I way off base here?

 

And honestly, it just really bothers me that my sister will not supervise or discipline her daughter when other adults are present, and just seems to be assuming everyone else will watch her kids. I am never out of eyesight from my son, because we are working hard on no biting/no hitting.

[AimeeM]

Also, the fact that you are "working hard" on "no biting/no hiting" with your own son, tells me that you know some of this is age typical behaviour.

I was an older teenager/young adult when my youngeat sisters were thatage. Granted, I wasn't home all the time, but I remember three year olds running around, getting into stuff, throwing washcloths into the fish tank...mischief, but not violence. I honestly do not remember a single instance of one of them at that age hurting another child just because "I felt like hurting someone." THAT is the part that strikes me as atypical toddler behavior. Not sharing, needing lots of attention, running and jumping off of couches, those aspects of my niece's behavior strike me as perfectly age appropriate. Hurting your younger brother and cousin just because you feel like hurting someone does not. Am I way off base here?

 

And honestly, it just really bothers me that my sister will not supervise or discipline her daughter when other adults are present, and just seems to be assuming everyone else will watch her kids. I am never out of eyesight from my son, because we are working hard on no biting/no hitting.

[MedicMom]

The difference is my son is 19 months old and doesn't seem to understand that hitting and biting hurt. I also correct the behavior. My niece is 3 and able to verbalize that she hits and pushes because she "feels like hurting someone." And my sister does not discipline or correct this behavior when she witnesses it.

 

My mom watches the kids carefully. She also has my fifteen and thirteen year old sisters there to help. I pay my sisters for the time my son is there but my mom refuses payment. So I al comfortable that the kids are supervised, but I also know it only takes a moment. My mom admits she spends most of the weekend disciplining my niece. My mom has raised a lot of kids and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. However, she knows she is the only stability those kids have right now, and is trying to walk a hard line.

 

Unfortunately, my sister is one of those who seems to believe she needs a man in her life. She married her husband at 19 against our parent' s wishes, simply because age thought she needed to be married. Since separating last March, she has had three boyfriends, but this is the only one she has brought around the kids much. Her divorce was finalized a month ago and she is planning a spring wedding. Yeah, it is a mess.

[Catwoman]

The difference is my son is 19 months old and doesn't seem to understand that hitting and biting hurt. I also correct the behavior. My niece is 3 and able to verbalize that she hits and pushes because she "feels like hurting someone." And my sister does not discipline or correct this behavior when she witnesses it.

 

My mom watches the kids carefully. She also has my fifteen and thirteen year old sisters there to help. I pay my sisters for the time my son is there but my mom refuses payment. So I al comfortable that the kids are supervised, but I also know it only takes a moment. My mom admits she spends most of the weekend disciplining my niece. My mom has raised a lot of kids and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. However, she knows she is the only stability those kids have right now, and is trying to walk a hard line.

 

Unfortunately, my sister is one of those who seems to believe she needs a man in her life. She married her husband at 19 against our parent' s wishes, simply because age thought she needed to be married. Since separating last March, she has had three boyfriends, but this is the only one she has brought around the kids much. Her divorce was finalized a month ago and she is planning a spring wedding. Yeah, it is a mess.

 

I'm sorry your sister feels the need for a man. I wish she could know how much better off she could be if she just took some time to build a good, solid life with her children, and waited until she was financially and emotionally stable before dating (and marrying :eek:) again.

 

I feel so sorry for your mom. She's in a tough spot. It sounds like she's doing everything she can to help your sister, probably because she's worried about what will happen to your sister's kids if she doesn't step in to help.

 

I hope the new husband is better than the old one, and that your sister won't repeat her poor choices. It sounds like she is very immature. :(

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: