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Write Shop - please evaluate paragraph style


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This is the assignment for Lesson 5, Observing a Food. The student is in the 9th grade.


Title: The Pretzel Observed


At a once in a lifetime opportunity to observe Pretzulus Annie in its natural habitat, we move in closer. You order a pretzel with cheese sauce. Buttery and yeasty, it's distinct aroma fills your nostrils. The golden brown coloring is a sing of good pretzel construction. You bit into it. It has just the right amount of salt, enough to counterbalance the sweetness and give a nice crunch to it. Mmm, something is off, though. Needs more cheese sauce, though you bite into it again, being careful to remember to dip it into cheese sauce beforehand. Mmm. The velvety texture of the cheese sauce coats the tongue. Then, before you notice, you have eaten it all!


My feedback:

Need to decide first or second person. I will suggest first.

Word choice - overuse of "Mmm" & "though"

Sentence beginning "Needs more..." is an incomplete sentence.


Any other suggestions?

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We completed this assignment recently so I'll share my thoughts.


I think the paragraph focuses more on the author and his experience than on the pretzel itself. If it were my student I would suggest that he make slight changes to those parts. For example, where it says "You bit into it..." I would suggest saying something like, "The first bite has just the right amount of salt..." because that puts the focus back on the pretzel while still expressing what the author is trying to get across. You'll know best how to express this to your student.


He did a nice job incorporating most of the senses into the paragraph.

Edited by luvnlattes
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