MorganClassicalPrep Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I mentioned this once on the board but, my father recently passed away after a battle with cancer. I'm extremely concerned about my mom. She'll be moving in with us, and I'm looking for a grief counselor for her. I also have a post on the k-8 curriculum board about finding programs that could get her involved in DD's school. (In case someone here has any ideas: looking for extracurricular type activities- going to get a cookbook for kids and let them work with that, thinking of maybe an art program with clear, explicit directions, any other suggestions would be great.) I'm also looking for other ideas, things for her to get involved with. A hobby...group.... activity? What do women without kids/husbands do anyway? (My mom is only 50- but has arthritis in her hips and some other health problems, so anything too physical is out.) I know she's an adult and will need to work through this on her own. I just don't want her sitting around the house, thinking, all day long, and would like some good ideas to present to her. (You know, other than "Maybe a book club or something, isn't that what old people do?" which is what I said the other day.. :lol: She wasn't amused!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 My grandmother volunteers through RSVP. She can choose what she wants to participate in (she currently rocks babies at a daycare center and does office work and mailings for a nonprofit) and has made some great friends with the other volunteers. (You don't have to be 55 if you are retired) http://www.seniorcorps.gov/about/programs/rsvp.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 :grouphug: It is such a difficult time, I'm so sorry. I think you've come up with some brilliant ideas so far. As far as what does a woman without a husband or kids do, then that depends on the woman. I know my mother, who was 42 when my father died in 1971, threw herself into all kinds of activities: car maintenance, amateur dramatics, ballroom dancing, swimming club. The only thing she really kept up after the first year of widowhood was the swimming club. I think, more importantly, what she needs is time and support. It's obvious that you're doing an amazing job with the support, time, however, cannot be rushed. Be patient. I remember my mother saying how everyone was there just after he first died, offering lots of sympathy and support, but six months later, when she felt more bereft than ever, her friends had moved on with their lives. :grouphug: Take good care of yourself. Best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I know you have the best of intentions but don't plan everything. It is great that you are seeking out a grief counselor for her and planning her involvement in homeschooling your daughter but has she expressed any interest in this. She may not be ready to talk to a counselor yet or really want to help with schooling . She is going to need time to get used to her new living arrangements and life. She will find her own hobbies and friends. Keep the counselor's phone number handy so that when she wants it, its there. Get a list together of what activities your senior center does and put it on the fridge. Please don't hover her as it just makes you feel worse. Would she be interested in putting new bedding in her room? If so, then plan it so that your DD and her do it together mostly. While she gets settled, she may want to just sit around and breath. In a few years, you might be laughing that you wanted to plan stuff for her when she is now more active and involved then you ever thought. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Some widows do better than others, and if there are health problems, it can be even more difficult. Even with activity, she may need to work through some issues. Both of our mom needed professional help, and one did go on stronger anti-depressants although there were other psychiatric issues going on and I'm not sure how much they really helped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorganClassicalPrep Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 My grandmother volunteers through RSVP. She can choose what she wants to participate in (she currently rocks babies at a daycare center and does office work and mailings for a nonprofit) and has made some great friends with the other volunteers. (You don't have to be 55 if you are retired) http://www.seniorcorps.gov/about/programs/rsvp.asp Hm. This looks interesting. My mom isn't retired though, just disabled. Wonder if she'd still be eligible... :grouphug: It is such a difficult time, I'm so sorry. I think you've come up with some brilliant ideas so far. As far as what does a woman without a husband or kids do, then that depends on the woman. I know my mother, who was 42 when my father died in 1971, threw herself into all kinds of activities: car maintenance, amateur dramatics, ballroom dancing, swimming club. The only thing she really kept up after the first year of widowhood was the swimming club. I think, more importantly, what she needs is time and support. It's obvious that you're doing an amazing job with the support, time, however, cannot be rushed. Be patient. I remember my mother saying how everyone was there just after he first died, offering lots of sympathy and support, but six months later, when she felt more bereft than ever, her friends had moved on with their lives. :grouphug: Take good care of yourself. Best wishes Cassy Thank you so much. And that is exactly what I'm worried about- the fact that right now everyone is around. Even more than that, right now there is so much to do with getting all my Dad's affairs wrapped up and such. Soon, she'll just be doing nothing, while I'm in school all day. I know you have the best of intentions but don't plan everything. It is great that you are seeking out a grief counselor for her and planning her involvement in homeschooling your daughter but has she expressed any interest in this. She may not be ready to talk to a counselor yet or really want to help with schooling . She is going to need time to get used to her new living arrangements and life. She will find her own hobbies and friends. Keep the counselor's phone number handy so that when she wants it, its there. Get a list together of what activities your senior center does and put it on the fridge. Please don't hover her as it just makes you feel worse. Would she be interested in putting new bedding in her room? If so, then plan it so that your DD and her do it together mostly. While she gets settled, she may want to just sit around and breath. In a few years, you might be laughing that you wanted to plan stuff for her when she is now more active and involved then you ever thought. :grouphug: She hasn't directly expressed interest in getting involved with DD's school, but she is very, very close to my daughter (we lived with my parents until DD was 18 months, since then have never gone more than 3 weeks without coming home for the weekend, plus spend summers and winter breaks with them..) As far as the counselor, I do think she needs to see one right away. She has a personal and family history of severe depression. I guess you are right about not planning everything, but if I don't push her, she won't get out there. I guess I'll have to make sure I find a line between planning everything and encouraging her to get out and do stuff. Some widows do better than others, and if there are health problems, it can be even more difficult. Even with activity, she may need to work through some issues. Both of our mom needed professional help, and one did go on stronger anti-depressants although there were other psychiatric issues going on and I'm not sure how much they really helped. Thank you. She definitely needs to see someone. She's already on xanax for anxiety issues, and has intermittently been on anti-depressants throughout the years. We have a very strong family history of psychiatric issues, so I think she may need something stronger for a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Um. . . since I'm only 2 years younger than your mom, the "old people" comment hit home! I really agree with itsheresomewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Don't push on the counselor no matter what you think she needs. If she is not at that place to see the counselor it will backfire on you. If she is on meds for anxiety, I am assuming that she is seeing a specialist for that med. See if you can find a psychiatrist that who would be able to deal with both for awhile. You can't learn to swim by jumping in the ocean type thing. Don't push on the activities as it may hurt your relationship with your mom. Just be supportive. :grouphug: If it helps, my grandmother went from homebody to extremely social butterfly in a few years after my grandfather died. She credits the few years it took to find herself because we never pushed just loved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Is there a reason to make such a drastic change so soon after loss? At 50 she could still live independently in most cases. And leaving all her friends and her home will add to her grief. My mom utilizes the senior center for things such a line dancing and whatnot. They also have other things to do. She stays active with her church as well. There are quilting guilds and classes almost everywhere. My grandma would fall asleep to the radio when she lived alone after my grandpa died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I wouldn’t go crazy looking for activities for her. Let her be for a while, settle in, get to feel comfortable living with your family, etc. My mil and sil are always trying to get fil involved in something, or give him things to do to keep him busy. It really comes across as condescending, and he resents it. After my father died, my mom took a while to go through her grief, and then she started getting involved in church activities, found a group counseling session with women in her age group, etc. If she seemed in a slump and was isolating herself, I would suggest that she attend the dinner or activity she was avoiding, maybe give her a little push. Nothing more than that. She would usually follow my advice and go out anyway, and then come home glad she went and full of stories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Your mom is an age peer to many of us posting. :glare: I'm not sure the circumstances of her coming to live with you, but I'd encourage you not to approach her/her situation like a school project. ;) She's an adult, and compentent. If she wants to come live with you, I encourage you to say "yes" but only do so if you can comfortably allow her to do nothing but sit around all day. I'm sorry your Dad died; but her grief as a widow is her grief. Let her work it out. Healthy grieving varies widely. I'd feel "closed in on" and a little patronized and "managed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 :grouphug: one of the things that helped my mom a lot was having a pet cat. she had never had one before, because my dad was allergic. it helped so much to have the undemanding affection..... but she was much older than your mom. eta: we asked her before getting her one, because she is an adult person, and gets to make her choices, but when she said yes, we asked her if she'd like to choose it or like it as a gift, and she was definitely excited about the gift idea. i am a few years older than your mom, with arthritis in both hips and if dh died, i would delay moving for a while until i was more together, and then likely not in with any of my adult children, although perhaps nearby. hopefully, i have many years before having to cross that bridge! :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorganClassicalPrep Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Is there a reason to make such a drastic change so soon after loss? At 50 she could still live independently in most cases. And leaving all her friends and her home will add to her grief. There are many reasons. Her and my father were already planning on following me to graduate school (in 18 months) and moving in with us to help me with DD. Plus, my mom can't stay by herself at night (anxiety reasons- not health reasons). She does want to move with us, this part isn't me forcing anything on her! Your mom is an age peer to many of us posting. :glare: I'm not sure the circumstances of her coming to live with you, but I'd encourage you not to approach her/her situation like a school project. ;) She's an adult, and compentent. If she wants to come live with you, I encourage you to say "yes" but only do so if you can comfortably allow her to do nothing but sit around all day. I'm sorry your Dad died; but her grief as a widow is her grief. Let her work it out. Healthy grieving varies widely. I'd feel "closed in on" and a little patronized and "managed." I promise I didn't mean anything by the old people comment... I really was being snarky because I knew it would make my mom laugh. I don't see her as old at all! Thank you. Everyone. I definitely don't want her to feel patronized... I guess I just feel so.. useless. DD and I both have a lot going on, stuff to keep us busy and not focusing on what's happened. I'm really worried about her sitting around, thinking about my Dad all day. I guess I'll leave her be, and hope that being with us will help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I'm very sorry for your loss.:grouphug: :iagree: w/ Joanne. You'll need to prepare you heart; I would invite her to come along, but don't push, and I think your heart is in the right place. There are many reasons. Her and my father were already planning on following me to graduate school (in 18 months) and moving in with us to help me with DD. Plus, my mom can't stay by herself at night (anxiety reasons- not health reasons). She does want to move with us, this part isn't me forcing anything on her! I promise I didn't mean anything by the old people comment... I really was being snarky because I knew it would make my mom laugh. I don't see her as old at all! Thank you. Everyone. I definitely don't want her to feel patronized... I guess I just feel so.. useless. DD and I both have a lot going on, stuff to keep us busy and not focusing on what's happened. I'm really worried about her sitting around, thinking about my Dad all day. I guess I'll leave her be, and hope that being with us will help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Um. . . since I'm only 2 years younger than your mom, the "old people" comment hit home! I really agree with itsheresomewhere. :iagree: 50 is not old in today's world. Not by a long shot. In fact she's young. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I would suggest she take the kids on field trips. I have a friend who just had a baby, and the two grandmothers are always taking the oldest on the field trip for the mom so she can stay home with the baby and toddler. The grandmothers REALLY have a great time, and say so all the time! I would also recommend YOU and your mom get involved in something together. A knitting group? Crochet? Walking? She can join a gym and do water aerobics - WONDERFUL for arthritis. I'm so sorry for your mom. My dad died before my mom at age 67, and my mom had end stage dementia by then. So sad, but I was so glad that she didn't have to live through that grief. Instead, she'd get angry at my father from time to time, like when something wasn't going right.:lol: Had my mom died first, my father would have been an absolute mess. They had been together since the grammar school and never dated any other people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyh Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 My dad died this past year and my mom is 56. She feels very young to be widowed and doesn't know what to do with her life. It's kind of like re-discovering herself and creating a new identity.. She has spent a lot of time alone at home and i think that has been necessary. Just having you around for her many crying episodes that she will have will be a huge help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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