If you have a daughter, please help me understand this (warning: long/controversial)

[BethG]

4 pieces of background (FWIW) info that may be pertinent to this post:

I have three sons.

I am one of three daughters.

Before I was a SAHM, I was an ultrasonographer at an ObGyn office.

I live in Birmingham, AL for the past 3 years, but experienced the same when I lived in Ohio for 18 years before our move to AL.

____________________

Disclaimer: I realize that this post is FULL of generalizations and that there are certainly EXCEPTIONS to my observations, but this post is about my generalizations -- that as a GENERAL rule -- this is what I observe and seek to understand. It's about my desire to find out, with your help, why this is so GENERALLY/UNIVERSALLY true.

____________________

For 4 years before I had my first child, I was an ultrasonographer, so it was my JOB (in part) to find the genitals of curious couples' in utero babies. So, naturally I heard a few bazillion responses to the announcment of gender.

It is clear without a doubt that even now in the 20th and 21st centuries that male children are still by far the preferred. It was the rare exception when a couple was thrilled about having a baby girl. The rare times when I saw a couple truly happy about having a girl child was when she was the caboose (they had two sons and wanted a daughter). I could count on one hand the times a couple rejoiced that their FIRSTBORN was female. I always thought this was odd since growing up my parents never conveyed any sense of disappointment that we were females, so this "epidemic" was new to me once I began in ObGyn.

In 2004 when I was first pregnant, we opted to be surprised and I found out by accident at 34 weeks that he was a boy (I was looking at my own ultrasound and saw the penis by accident). With that first pregnancy, since we had had intercourse 5 days before my egg (won't go into this) -- I was fairly sure I was having a girl. I bought pink stuff galore. My husband swore then (and I believe him completely) that he truly had no preference for one gender or the other. (everyone in his family has males.......there's like 24 male first cousins and 2 females). So throughout my pregnancy, I personally got the comments about how, "Oh I hope you have a boy." and the like. to which I'd respond, "Well, we know that whatever God has decided to send us will be the perfect one, so we can't go wrong either way." I made a point of saying such in response as this "epidemic" had always repulsed me.

One lady came up to me with her three children (her daughters were probably 19, 17, and son 14) standing beside her and she said, "I remember when I was newly pregnant with BobbyJoe that I told my husband, 'I just don't know how I can stand it if it's another girl." (I made up the name to protect ID), but there her own daughters were standing and hearing her say this!!!

When we found out our son's gender (at 34 weeks) and we'd tell people (if they ASKED) I heard "Well you can't go wrong with a little boy," or "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

as if I had won the gender lottery. My sister in law has two daughters and I overheard the responses to her gender announcement and they weren't at all like those I got. [And, lest one think it's because I have an "all boy" husband (hunting, fishing, four-wheeler, sports etc.) --- Not at all ---- thus, I didn't get those comments as others' just GUESSED what my spouse preferred. He NEVER verbalized any preference as he had none.]

I've noticed that when MOST women tell me/others that they're having a girl, it's with a tone of dread/disappointment.

 

Even among my many (several are highly educated!) friends, of my 6 closest girl friends, I noticed this preference as well. My best friend had a daughter first and is pregnant again ---- and when she was on my answering machine telling me, "Hey..give me a call; we found out gender today, so I was going to call and tell you; call me back." I knew BY THE TONE in her voice that it was a boy. I was right.

Since this is newly on my mind, I went back on facebook pages and noted the differences in how gender was announced/received (even by grandparents!). And, the distinction is obvious.

I honestly cannot think of ONE example of a woman I have known (and I know many women) of where she DESIRED to bear a girl.

Now.....A MAJOR POINT: Of all my friends and acquaintances, once they HAVE the daughter, not a one of them regret her and wouldn't take a thing for her.

One of my close friends has 3 boys and just had a baby girl two months ago. Throughout that last pregnancy (before she knew gender as she did homebirths/didn't have ultrasounds), since it was a different pregnancy, she suspected it was girl and expressed something like, "I just asked God not to send me a girl." I asked her why she felt this way and her response intriqued me so much that it prompted me to post this thread as I'm interested in hearing from others on the subject. She was very forthright and I'm curious to see if others share her thoughts surrounding her own fear of having a girl.

It's interesting to me that most men WANT a little repeat of themselves (same gender child). Why don't women WANT this in the same numbers? (Meaning that if I had to guess I'd say 8 out of 10 men want a male and maybe 2 out of 10 women want a female).

Why is this the case?

Anyone else on here experience a sense of dread over having a daughter?

Maybe it's just before they get here (while they're in utero)....but I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences.

 

My friend's explanation (which I haven't shared here as I don't want to bias the responses....I'll share it later on here) was very interesting and I wondered if it was shared by others.

 

Why do you think that so many AMERICAN women feel this way?

This isn't to JUDGE you in any way, but I truly want to understand the psychology behind this.

Seeking to Understand,

Beth

[brett_ashley]

I haven't noticed this preference at all, except in families where they already have two or three girls. I'm 31 and live in Texas, if that helps.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've never had a job doing ultrasounds but my personal experience of 48 years has never shown a preference for boys from any of my family or friends who were American. So I wouldn't have any idea why or even if this is true.

[Daisy]

I've never had a job doing ultrasounds but my personal experience of 48 years has never shown a preference for boys from any of my family or friends who were American. So I wouldn't have any idea why or even if this is true.

 

Ditto.

 

The only time I've ever heard a parent express disappointment is about NOT having had one child of the opposite gender (as in they had ALL boys or ALL girls).

 

As for reasons, I suppose most people would like to have at least one son to carry on the family name.

[justamouse]

You got me.

 

My first with my Dh was unknown to us until birth, and we were both thrilled it was a girl-I was *ecstatic* Pink overload! Then, I admit, I was happy to have a boy next, because if we didn't have one boy, my husband's family name would end with us. Uncle had two girls, and him being the only son... So we have an heir, and a spare, littered with twinkling diamonds inbetween.

Edited January 5, 2012 by justamouse

[Chris in VA]

I don't know, frankly.

 

We have that situation you described--two boys and a "caboose" girl. We were thrilled. I will say that there were some comments when we were preg our second child--people "wanted" a girl, because we had a boy, and of course, we'd be done after 2. :glare:

[Cricket]

I don't know that I had a preference for a boy with our first. As soon as the ultrasound paddle went down on my belly, we knew without a doubt it would be a boy! I actually kind of wanted a girl the second time around, thinking it would be nice, because I wanted a daughter and didn't know how many kids we would have. That one was a boy. By the third one, I didn't care that much and it turned out to be a girl. By the fourth one, I really, really wanted a girl, so my dd could have a sister.

 

So actually, I did want a girl two times out of four. :) I know my dh said it didn't matter with the first one, but later he admitted he was glad it was a boy. He's pretty traditional and seems himself as provider and protector. I think he saw any sons as someone who could take care of the family if something happened to him later on. Maybe there is something to the fact that in our culture family names are passed down through the sons. Maybe people think boys are easier and less emotional? I've heard that. So not true though! It is sad that someone would be sad about having a girl. Girls are awesome!

[Dandelion]

I've never run into this bias. Everyone in my extended circle has been equally excited to have a boy or a girl. They may have voiced a preference (for various reasons) before they found out the gender - but even that has been equally mixed between a preference for boys and a preference for girls, in my experience.

[celticmom]

I was hoping for a boy when I found out I was pregnant with dd because I have a history of painful reproductive health problems and my mother had similiar problems and her mother had similiar symptoms that were never diagnosed correctly. My daughter will have the advantage of problems being recognized early and my knowledge of how I have handled these issues.

 

My mother very much wanted a little girl in both her own pregnancy and mine.

[OnTheBrink]

I've never seen this, either. My church has seen 8 babies born this past year and all but one was a girl. Everyone was thrilled with the prospect of a healthy baby and I didn't hear or perceive of a single one of them being disappointed with the gender.

 

On personal note, we were told that dd was a boy, so we prepared for a boy. I did NOT want a girl at that time at all. Not because of her gender specifically, or because I thought boys were better, but because my relationship with my own mother was so horrendous, I didn't want to perpetuate that legacy. However, when she was born and they all said surprisingly, "It's a GIRL!" I was delighted with her. Still terrified of the future, but loved her from the get-go. If I were ever to birth another child, I wouldn't care its gender at all. Both have their challenges!

[Jenny in Florida]

I do see a certain preference for boys, out in the world, and I don't get it, either.

 

I didn't feel that way, myself. And my husband didn't seem to care, either.

 

When we were having our daughter, we opted not to be told about gender . . . until we changed our minds and asked, by which time it was too late to be sure. (She was curled up, and the ultrasound lady couldn't see.)

 

I was thrilled with a daughter. My husband was, too. And to this day, he is closer to her than to our son.

 

When I was pregnant with our son, we decided we wanted to know about gender. But, honestly, it didn't occur to me that we would have a boy. I'd had one girl and was certain I'd have another.

 

The day we found out he would be a he, I lost it. I got really upset, a little depressed, worried that I wouldn't know "how to raise a boy."

 

My friend took me out shopping, helped me pick out some boy clothes and supplies. By the end of the day, I felt better. But it was still weird to consider that we would actually have a son.

 

I think my husband was a little nonplussed, too.

 

Nowadays, for the most part, I'm thrilled to have a son. He's opened up parts of my heart that I didn't know were there. But, if you had asked me at the time, I would have said I preferred a girl.

[regentrude]

Not my experience.

I personally did not have any preference (and did not find out the gender through US).

Not a single one of my pregnant friends has ever voiced a preference for a boy (except, if they had a girl first, some wanted the second to be a boy to have both).

[Dmmetler]

I was thrilled to find out I was having a girl with DD, and if by some miracle I were to get pregnant, I'd prefer to have another girl. Given that I've lost one baby and my pregnancies will always be very high risk, even the slight advantage girls have in surviving and thriving in such situations over boys is something to celebrate.

[Plucky]

I've never experienced this either. I wanted a girl with every pregnancy, but was happy with the child I had. I never had brothers or a lot of male relatives so boys were an unknown, but I love my boys. They are so much fun!

[Jennifer3141]

I was DYING to have my daughter first but I've got pagan roots. DH melted at the idea of a little girl. He did want a son to pass on his name too though. But we were beyond thrilled when we found out if was a girl. I wouldn't be surprised to find that thos ewho follow a more paternalistic spirituality/society would prefer a male gendered child though.

[OnTheBrink]

I'm not getting the pagan=girl first connection. Pagans wish for their firstborn to be a girl? I've never heard that! (Not doubting you, just never heard it before.)

[Mrs Mungo]

I think the only one who was truly *thrilled* that my youngest was a boy? Was my OB. He was from India. He was positively giddy when he realized we were having a boy, FINALLY! ;)

[Veritaserum]

Ditto.

 

The only time I've ever heard a parent express disappointment is about NOT having had one child of the opposite gender (as in they had ALL boys or ALL girls).

 

As for reasons, I suppose most people would like to have at least one son to carry on the family name.

 

:iagree: I have five girls and I'm pregnant with a boy. I'm happy he's a boy. I've always wanted the experience of raising both a boy and a girl. Of course I would love my baby if he were a she. When a woman who has multiple of all one sex discovers that the new baby is another of the same, the disappointment (if any) comes from the loss of the dream/expectation of raising at least one of each.

 

I know more women who have expressed a longing for a daughter than for a son--especially if they already have a son or two. I'm in the western US. Girls appear to be preferred overall....

[KS_]

Not my experience.

I personally did not have any preference (and did not find out the gender through US).

 

 

I didn't have a preference either, I just knew I wanted more than one. My stepmom just had a feeling on each of them (first was a boy, second was a girl) and she seemed so sure, that I expected it to be that way (it was, although I never had a strong feeling about whether each was boy/girl).

[FourOaks]

I haven't had that experience at all. I have 4 daughters (no sons) and did not find out the sex of any of them beforehand. We were ECSTATIC each time it was a girl.

 

My husband has never expressed the longing for a boy (we are not having anymore unless God miraculously intervenes). In fact, he has told people that he is thankful that he has all girls. Truly, he was big golfer when we got married and he actually dreamed of having a daughter who was a good golfer because girls make it into the pros easier. (Never happened!)

 

A while back I used to get comments about "so will you try for a boy?" But as the girls have gotten older, those comments have stopped. Now it's just the (what I consider rude) comments along the lines of "oh, better you than me, how on earth will you afford all the weddings, you'll be knocking boys off all the time" blah, blah, blah.

 

On the flip side, I have several friends who have ALL boys (many with 4). I do know that some of them were WANTING girls and some have had more kids hoping for girls. I've had many friends say that they don't know what they would do if they didn't have their daughter/s because they wanted a girl so badly.

 

From my own personal perspective I have thought about my girls (love them all dearly) and I do believe that I would have LONGED for a girl if I had never had one -- I think I would have felt like a part of me was missing. However, I have NEVER thought this way about not having a boy.

[melissad2]

I've had completely the opposite experience. I have 2 boys and just found out the newbie is going to be a boy as well. I am completely fine with it and have experienced nothing but disappointment from others with the exception of most of my immediate family. I have heard enough of "awwww too bad it's not a girl" and " at least you don't have to paint the nursery" and the ever popular " well, you can try for a girl next time". How about "Congratulations!"?

 

To me every baby is a blessing regardless of gender :)

[Pink Fairy]

Funny, I've never noticed this among any of my friends. If anything, I would have preferred all girls (don't be scandalized--I still adore my boys!), but obviously God failed to consult with me first. :D

[Jenny in Atl]

Having grown up with two brothers, I was very happy to have two girls. :lol:

My dh was just happy to have two healthy babies (one whom later got sick, but with conditions she can live well with... if that makes any sense). :D

 

I think many women fear having a girl, because they know women are still seen as lesser than (lower pay/weaker sex/etc). You see parents worrying far more for the safety and future of a girl, than of that of a boy. We still live in a world that favors the male sex in all areas (business/politics/even faith).

[cin]

I think your observations are interesting. I wonder if nobody has seen the same is because you are seeing the initial reaction. After a few minutes, hours or days, they adjust and realize that a healthy baby is the important thing.

 

With us, DH wanted girls. Not sure why, but that is what he wanted. And adopting from China, girls are more abundant, but we won't go there right now.

[dangermom]

I have two girls and have always been happy with that. I expected boys because my husband has 4 brothers (and one longed-for caboose sister) and I have 3 brothers so it kind of seemed like my destiny, but when I found out it was a girl both times I was very happy. The trend must have reversed itself in this generation because my brother has 3 girls! :001_smile:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I haven't seen this. In fact, if I were to say, I'd say it goes the other way. My husband would have 96 daughters like the mayor of Whoville :) He keeps talking about evening out our kids. When we got offered another boy, he said we needed two more girls then. However, if we were offered two girls, he would NOT be talking about evening out the number.

 

But seriously, most people really are just happy with their babies regardless.

 

When I was pregnant with dd, I *said* I wanted a boy; but seriously, I was over the top thrilled she was a girl. I just really liked my boy name and my mom and I were fussing about the girl name. LOL With my son, I really did want a boy, but that was because I was already having reproductive part issues and so wanted one of each. I can't imagine I would have been disappointed had he been a girl though!

Edited January 5, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[BamaTanya]

and I think the response may be different once the little one has made the grand entrance.

 

Hmmmm. I'm trying to think of my own preferences here. As a young girl I ALWAYS wanted to become a mother someday. I was a girly-girl, and the children I saw in my fantasies were girls. I didn't and won't over-analyze this, but I suspect it had something to do with the phase of "boys have cooties." I had two annoying brothers that convinced me. I didn't plan to marry. I planned to be a professional and to adopt 2 girls. :D

 

That said, I do recall a wish for a boy when I married my dh. He's the baby of the family, and there were three granddaughters before we added dgc.

 

My dh had lived for a time with his db and sil and one of those adorable little nieces, giving me the firsthand opportunity to see how wonderful he was with children. :D I knew he would like to have a girl. I suspect he wanted to have a girl since he had experience with the sugar-and-spice stuff.

 

We had a girl, and as much as I thought the family could use a boy, I was delighted. She was my dream come true.

 

The rest of our story doesn't count much since we had three boys and another girl later. All of them were icing on the cake.

 

One thing though: after our first ds was born, dh's father gave us (to give to ds) a military remembrance of his. FIL was retired from the Navy and was a Vietnam vet. I don't know what he would have done with that emblem if there were no boys . . . I just know having a dgs prompted something that hadn't occurred before.

 

I was expecting our first at the same time as a friend at church. She opted to find out the gender of her baby. She only wanted one dc. She wanted it to be a girl.

 

We all knew the day she was going to find out . . . and she didn't call any of us. I was afraid something was wrong.

 

Turns out she gave herself a day to cry because she was so disappointed it was a boy. :confused: I don't get it. She saw a beautiful healthy baby and was upset??? :confused:

 

Another time I've heard of a disappointment was when someone was expecting one gender (this time a girl) and had painted the nursery lavendar with Battenburg lace and had announced the gender to everyone . . . Someone gave her a silver bracelet with "Madison" engraved, and another gave her a hand-smocked bonnet . . . And then it was a boy. :D Maybe it wasn't disappointment. Maybe it was shock? Not what she expected anyway.

 

Oh. And then there's my relative who shacked up with a fellow who had already fathered dc (girls) by at least 3 other women (friends of hers :glare:) at different times. She actually believed he would stay with her if she gave him a boy. :banghead: (He was an uneducated immigrant from a poor village in Mexico, but I don't know if that cultural aspect comes into play or if it's just my relative's poor judgment.)

 

She gave him a son. He left her and hooked up with someone else.

 

Anyway. I know that I would have been and am delighted with either gender, but it's hard for me to be objective since I have both . . .

Edited January 5, 2012 by BamaTanya

[MamaSheep]

It's not something I've noticed either, but I haven't worked as an ultrasound tech either, so I'm sure I've seen a lot fewer initial reactions. I know I felt really sorry for one baby boy I knew because his mama had 5 boys and had decided to try one more time for a girl, and when he turned out to be ANOTHER boy, she barely seemed to want him. I've seen the family since, and he seems well-adjusted and loved as far as I can tell so I guess she got used to the idea. She also went one more round to try for a girl, this time having some kind of specialized treatment that involved centrifuging her husband's sperm to sort out the girls from the boys, which I personally think is a bit extreme, but she has her daughter now so I guess it worked and she's happy. That's the only case I can really think of where I knew there was much if any preference for one gender over another among my actual acquaintances.

 

For myself, I will say admit I was kind of hoping for all boys, and was slightly disappointed when I learned our second was a girl. I think dh was hoping for a girl (though he was a little nervous about it too because he never had any sisters, only a brother, and didn't really know what to do with girls--he sure figured it out fine). I was a little worried about having a girl because my whole life I've gotten along better with boys and men than with girls and women--not sure why, I've just had a hard time being friends with female people (although in the past decade or so I've developed some lasting friendships with other women and limited my male friendships out of respect for my husband). I didn't want to have a daughter I couldn't figure out how to relate to and be friends with, as that seemed unfair to her. (Fortunately we get along wonderfully.) Also, I didn't like the idea of having to explain menstruation to a girl and deal with all the PMS issues a female child of mine is likely to have (silly, I know, but there it is) and I have some other "female troubles" I wouldn't wish on anyone else (and I'm curious to see if they've been passed on or if she won the reproductive lottery and inherited those bits from her paternal grandmother--here's hoping). And then there were the practical issues like I already had little blue clothes and blankets and sheets that I could pass down to a boy, and LOTS of toys of the sort boys are typically more interested in than girls, but if it was a girl I'd have to get a lot of new things and we were strapped for cash at the time--though I had actually given away a lot of our baby stuff and had to get new anyway. I'm the second of seven kids, and the three youngest are all boys, so I knew what to do with boy babies. My sisters were closer to my age and had very different temperaments from me and were therefore a bit more mysterious. So, maybe I'm a little guilty of what you're talking about.

 

Honestly, though, at the time I was nervous about having ANY kind of child because ds hadn't been diagnosed yet; everone kept telling me he was "normal" and I felt like if I couldn't properly "handle" one "normal" child, how on earth would I cope with two? I'm not sure I'd have felt any better upon learning it was a boy than I did when told it was a girl. But we certainly love our daughter as much as we do our son, and she has been such a wonderful, sunshiney addition to the family and never in a million years would we trade her in for a boy. Now that I know I actually CAN effectively parent a girl, I'd love the next one to be a girl. Or a boy. Either way. I like boys too (though non-autistic would be nice this time around, given a choice). Dd wants a sister to do things with and share her room with, and ds wants a girl so he doesn't have to share his room. I think dh is secretly hoping for a girl because the bedroom situation would work out better--it may be true that ds won't be "able" to share a room with a little brother, in which case we'll have to figure out some other arrangement, like finishing part of the basement either as a bedroom or as an office and then move someone into the current home office room. I dunno...we'll figure something out. Healthy and happy is what I'm REALLY hoping for. But we'll love our new little ragamuffin regardless.

 

One thing I've thought was weird, though, was the number of people who said things to me after my daughter was born like, "A girl? That's WONDERFUL! Now you have one of each, and you don't have to try anymore." I mean...whaaaat?

Edited January 5, 2012 by MamaSheep

[Catwoman]

Most of my friends always wanted girl babies first, if they had a preference, so the OP and I must live in very different worlds! ;):D

[Hannah C.]

I really wanted DD to be a girl. I was excited when I found out, and as the pregnancy went on I was afraid that she would actually be a boy! I'm sure I would have loved her just as much if she'd been a he, but I would have been disappointed at first. So, I'm just the opposite of what you've experienced! DH said he didn't have a preference, and I think that's true.

 

I have a lot of sisters and only one brother, and I felt like I would be more capable of parenting a girl the first time around.

[littleWMN]

I have three girls, then a boy. My first daughter is bio. and I was thrilled she was a girl! I would have been thrilled for a boy too but once I was pregnant I just "knew" she was a girl and was excited.

 

Our middle two daughters were adopted. We preferred a girl for our first adoption and were open to either for the next.

 

My fourth child is a bio. boy. Again, I just "knew" he was a boy and I was thrilled to have a son (although a little scared that I didn't know what to "do" with a boy).

 

When I had my u/s in my first pregnacy, with my daughter, we called MIL all excited and said "it's a girl!" and she said, "Oh, well, maybe next time". :confused: It really hurt me. She favors boys (she had only two boys). Other than her, I've really never noticed this. The people I come across are generally happy to have either sex.

[littleWMN]

I've had completely the opposite experience. I have 2 boys and just found out the newbie is going to be a boy as well. I am completely fine with it and have experienced nothing but disappointment from others with the exception of most of my immediate family. I have heard enough of "awwww too bad it's not a girl" and " at least you don't have to paint the nursery" and the ever popular " well, you can try for a girl next time". How about "Congratulations!"?

 

To me every baby is a blessing regardless of gender :)

 

 

Exactly!

[TranquilMind]

4 pieces of background (FWIW) info that may be pertinent to this post:

I have three sons.

I am one of three daughters.

Before I was a SAHM, I was an ultrasonographer at an ObGyn office.

I live in Birmingham, AL for the past 3 years, but experienced the same when I lived in Ohio for 18 years before our move to AL.

____________________

Disclaimer: I realize that this post is FULL of generalizations and that there are certainly EXCEPTIONS to my observations, but this post is about my generalizations -- that as a GENERAL rule -- this is what I observe and seek to understand. It's about my desire to find out, with your help, why this is so GENERALLY/UNIVERSALLY true.

____________________

For 4 years before I had my first child, I was an ultrasonographer, so it was my JOB (in part) to find the genitals of curious couples' in utero babies. So, naturally I heard a few bazillion responses to the announcment of gender.

It is clear without a doubt that even now in the 20th and 21st centuries that male children are still by far the preferred. It was the rare exception when a couple was thrilled about having a baby girl. The rare times when I saw a couple truly happy about having a girl child was when she was the caboose (they had two sons and wanted a daughter). I could count on one hand the times a couple rejoiced that their FIRSTBORN was female. I always thought this was odd since growing up my parents never conveyed any sense of disappointment that we were females, so this "epidemic" was new to me once I began in ObGyn.

In 2004 when I was first pregnant, we opted to be surprised and I found out by accident at 34 weeks that he was a boy (I was looking at my own ultrasound and saw the penis by accident). With that first pregnancy, since we had had intercourse 5 days before my egg (won't go into this) -- I was fairly sure I was having a girl. I bought pink stuff galore. My husband swore then (and I believe him completely) that he truly had no preference for one gender or the other. (everyone in his family has males.......there's like 24 male first cousins and 2 females). So throughout my pregnancy, I personally got the comments about how, "Oh I hope you have a boy." and the like. to which I'd respond, "Well, we know that whatever God has decided to send us will be the perfect one, so we can't go wrong either way." I made a point of saying such in response as this "epidemic" had always repulsed me.

One lady came up to me with her three children (her daughters were probably 19, 17, and son 14) standing beside her and she said, "I remember when I was newly pregnant with BobbyJoe that I told my husband, 'I just don't know how I can stand it if it's another girl." (I made up the name to protect ID), but there her own daughters were standing and hearing her say this!!!

When we found out our son's gender (at 34 weeks) and we'd tell people (if they ASKED) I heard "Well you can't go wrong with a little boy," or "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

as if I had won the gender lottery. My sister in law has two daughters and I overheard the responses to her gender announcement and they weren't at all like those I got. [And, lest one think it's because I have an "all boy" husband (hunting, fishing, four-wheeler, sports etc.) --- Not at all ---- thus, I didn't get those comments as others' just GUESSED what my spouse preferred. He NEVER verbalized any preference as he had none.]

I've noticed that when MOST women tell me/others that they're having a girl, it's with a tone of dread/disappointment.

 

Even among my many (several are highly educated!) friends, of my 6 closest girl friends, I noticed this preference as well. My best friend had a daughter first and is pregnant again ---- and when she was on my answering machine telling me, "Hey..give me a call; we found out gender today, so I was going to call and tell you; call me back." I knew BY THE TONE in her voice that it was a boy. I was right.

Since this is newly on my mind, I went back on facebook pages and noted the differences in how gender was announced/received (even by grandparents!). And, the distinction is obvious.

I honestly cannot think of ONE example of a woman I have known (and I know many women) of where she DESIRED to bear a girl.

Now.....A MAJOR POINT: Of all my friends and acquaintances, once they HAVE the daughter, not a one of them regret her and wouldn't take a thing for her.

One of my close friends has 3 boys and just had a baby girl two months ago. Throughout that last pregnancy (before she knew gender as she did homebirths/didn't have ultrasounds), since it was a different pregnancy, she suspected it was girl and expressed something like, "I just asked God not to send me a girl." I asked her why she felt this way and her response intriqued me so much that it prompted me to post this thread as I'm interested in hearing from others on the subject. She was very forthright and I'm curious to see if others share her thoughts surrounding her own fear of having a girl.

It's interesting to me that most men WANT a little repeat of themselves (same gender child). Why don't women WANT this in the same numbers? (Meaning that if I had to guess I'd say 8 out of 10 men want a male and maybe 2 out of 10 women want a female).

Why is this the case?

Anyone else on here experience a sense of dread over having a daughter?

Maybe it's just before they get here (while they're in utero)....but I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences.

 

My friend's explanation (which I haven't shared here as I don't want to bias the responses....I'll share it later on here) was very interesting and I wondered if it was shared by others.

 

Why do you think that so many AMERICAN women feel this way?

This isn't to JUDGE you in any way, but I truly want to understand the psychology behind this.

Seeking to Understand,

Beth

Well, I sure wanted a daughter! I told everyone I WAS having a daughter some day. Some woman said to me, "I said that but had two sons." I told her that no, I WOULD have a daughter. It was not optional. I had a great relationship with my Mom and was determined to have one.

 

I have a daughter and a son!

 

So, I don't think your view is universally true, but I don't doubt for a second that this may be your personal experience.

[freesia]

This hasn't been my experience, at all. I was DELIGHTED to find out I was expecting my girls (I have 2 of each.) Even though I hoped I would have boys and girls I was disappointed a bit that my first wasn't a girl (I was an oldest daughter and so was my mother.) After a girl and 2 boys I was glad to be having a girl again w/ the last. (I do love and am glad I had my boys--I'm just focusing on the girls for the sake of this topic.)

 

FWIW I grew up in the Mid Atlantic States and went to a Northeastern Women's college. That may make a difference.

[SonshineLearner]

I wonder if it's still the "name carrier" thing. Out of all my husband's sibling's... my son (the last grandchild) is the only one to carry his last name. All the rest are either girls or from daughters.... So, my son being a boy was a cool thing. I had a girl first and gave her my last name. My husband and I were married when we had our son and so my son has my husband's last name.

I am kinda sad that my father doesn't have anyone (but me with a hyphen) to carry our last name. My brother has a son, but his son has the mother's maiden last name ;( SO, I just think that's part of it.... weird or not. BTW, I was elated to have a girl; I didn't want a little version of my ex.

[cindergretta]

I desperately wanted my first to be a girl. My whole family did. I had a boy. And wow, did I ever fall in love with him! ;) But, we were all thrilled when my 2nd was a girl. (Since then, we haven't cared at all. :tongue_smilie: )

 

In my circle, all the moms want girls, at least one. They want the dresses and bows and patent leather shoes, the mommy/daughter dates, etc.

 

I haven't experienced the preference for boys unless it was a family where they had all boys.

[WeeBeaks]

Haven't read all the responses yet.

 

I wanted girls but was happy with either. I have 2 boys and 2 girls. I have never ever seen a preference expressed in my family or in-laws. My DH loves all and never expressed a preference at all.

[Caitilin]

Once I got over the initial shock of having a twin pregnancy, I was very, very happy that the twins were to be girls, a reaction which has continued to be true every year of their life so far. We have a Brady bunch setup (though all are ours!), and I like that we have a balance.:001_smile:

[BeachGirl]

I haven't read the responses yet but I wanted a girl. I told everyone that I didn't care which gender I had but secretly I wanted a girl. I was thrilled to get my wish. To this day, I don't know what I would have done if it had been a boy. I knew this would be my only child. I wanted someone I could relate to on a gender basis. My ex said he didn't care what we had as long as the baby was healthy. He was thrilled and even though my daughter and he have major differences of opinion, I still believe he is happy that he has a daughter FWIW.

[ktgrok]

Hmm...I didn't know the gender with my first, but assumed it was a girl because I came from an all girl family, mom only had sisters, etc. I was thrilled with the idea and dreamt of girl clothes and such. Then had a boy, and it took me a minute to grasp that fact. Then with the next one I would have loved a boy, because they are fun and i knew what to do with a boy, but when I found out it was a girl I cried tears of relief, I really wanted at least one girl. This one, I would like a boy, but only because my son is from my first marriage and i would like my hubby to have a biological son. And cause I just did a girl, lol. But, on the other hand two sisters woudl be fun.

 

The women I know that didn't want girls were tomboys who were concerned they wouldn't know how to play with a girl, don't like dolls, were terrified their daughters would want to do nothing but play with barbies and sprinkle glitter everywhere, etc.

 

Personally I did worry a bit about my daughter growing up in our pink everything world. Then I remembered Anne of Green Gables and decided a girl would be fun.

[amyx4]

Perhaps in those first few moments at the unltrasound you get a family's first raw reaction. Dh has two guy friends whose wives only wanted one child and really wanted that one to be a girl. The wives got what they wanted. I know that at the ultrasound one dh was very unpleasant. I don't know the details of the other ultrasound. Both are very good dads to their only girls. You would never know that each longed for a boy. I vote it's the public v. private reaction.

[abbeyej]

Huh. Well, we were thrilled when told our first was a girl. He wasn't, lol, but that's immaterial.

[jewellsmommy]

Well, my dh would be one of your rare ones :lol:. Apparently he was secretly wishing for a daughter while telling me he had no preference.

 

We had a very hard time getting pregnant, and it was our first, and likely only, pregnancy. Dh had said he did not have a preference. When we were told it was a girl, dh asked if the ultrasound person was sure. She said, "well, it's either a girl or a sorry excuse for a boy." She was just joking but this perplexed my poor dh and he asked if it was a girl or not :lol:. The tech said yes and dh was so relieved and then elated. I was shocked because I thought he had no preference. :001_huh: He actually got bouncy, you would just have to know my dh to understand what an odd thing this was. He said he would have been fine with a boy, but he thought he was better suited to be a daddy's girl kinda daddy. My dh does not do sports, hates bugs and worms, and was unsure of his ability to bond with a boy.

 

This is all an interesting challenge now as we have taken a boy to raise as well. Poor dh. He is trying so hard. He keeps talking to guys with boys and trying to figure this out. He is finding his way, but if I miraculously ended up pregnant again. I can guarantee that dh would hope for another girl :lol:.

 

 

ETA: I was just so happy to finally be pregnant, it could have been an alien and I wouldn't have cared. I genuinely did.not.care.

Edited January 5, 2012 by jewellsmommy

[sbgrace]

Looks like you're right--40% to 28% with the rest not having a preference. Men particularly in the gallup preferred boy. http://globalpublicsquare.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/23/gallup-americans-prefer-boys-to-girls-just-as-they-did-in-1941/

 

That surprises me. If I could have selected (back then...I'm so thankful I'm a mom of boys now) I definitely would have picked girl/girls. I think that's because I grew up with sisters or I had an idealized view of moms and daughters perhaps.

 

My sister really wanted a girl first and she had three boys. I can think of a few other examples of that and then those close friends who had a girl first didn't seem the least bit disappointed to me.

 

Interesting.

[Chelli]

I wanted to have 4 boys. I NEVER wanted girls. Why? Because I generally didn't like girls/women. I always had guys as my best friends from K-college. I found (and still find) that women (since we're speaking in generalities) are catty, lying, gossips, drama-seekers, and tend to thrive on manipulation.

 

Now that I'm in my 30's I have found some really amazing women to be friends with you do not fit the above generalities. I've still encountered some women like the above who are in their 30's but act like the above generalizations. I just steer clear of them!

 

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I just knew it was a girl! And I was right! I was so excited just to be pregnant and healthy. Never regretted for a minute that she was a she!

 

When we got pregnant with #2, I just knew I was having a boy. I had my girl, now on to a boy. Nope. This time it was another girl. At first I was a little disappointed, I guess, just because I was so certain that I was having a boy, but then I got excited that my oldest would have a little sister.

 

When it came around to #3, I wanted a girl. I already had two girls, I had plenty of girl clothes, toys, etc. It would just be easy. Well, it was a boy, and I have to say that he is such a joy to all of us.

 

My dh had said that if #3 was another girl, then we were definitely done having kids because he could only stand so much crying and drama. I definitely see a difference between the girls and my boy. Ds is already less inclined to fight with you over things. He's more likely to accept a "no" and just go on, where the girls would have screamed, cried, or had some kind of dramatic moment. I know that this is not always the case, though. My sister worked in daycare for many years and said that some of her worst whiners and dramatic kids were boys.

 

I've only met one person who was blatantly biased against girls. She was from a northern state and had just found out that she was having a boy (her first child). My best friend at the time was pregnant at the time with her second child who was also a boy (her first had been a girl). The girl having her first said to my best friend, "Aren't you just so glad that you're having a boy? I would have been so upset if I was having a girl." Of course, she knows that I have a girl (my only child at the time) and that my best friend had a girl as well. Well, she currently has three boys and no girls, so I'm sure she's thrilled.

 

On the other hand I have a friend who has two boys. She loves them dearly, but has always wanted a girl. She says that boys will grow up, get married, and leave. Whereas a girl will grow up, get married, be your best friend (hopefully), and make sure that she is home for every holiday. She worries about losing her boys once they marry.

[2cents]

I've never had a job doing ultrasounds but my personal experience of 48 years has never shown a preference for boys from any of my family or friends who were American. So I wouldn't have any idea why or even if this is true.

 

Same here. We did have a family near us that kept having children until they had a girl. They had 4 boys and when the 5th came the teacher announced to the class it was another boy (one of their boys was in my class). The boy was so disappointed and said they would have more babies.

[Random]

I'll confess that I didn't want a girl. It just seems to me that life for females is just....IDK...harder somehow. And, I really don't have a good relationship with my own mother. I was terrified of repeating the awful, tense relationship I experienced.

 

I had three boys then a girl. I cried and cried and cried when I found out I was having a girl. But, frankly, now that she's here, she is the light of our lives!

[zimom]

In the 'adoption world', it is well known (at least for those that don't have their head stuck in the sand), that girls are preferred by adoptive couples. Boys are generally considered the 'silent' special need as they can be hard to place just because of their gender. And yes, I've always felt that for bio families, boys are preferred, at least for the first born, or until a son is born.

[NicAnn]

I've had the exact opposite response. Most of my clients wanted a girl over a boy. The adopting families I know all have girls as their preference.

 

I wonder why our experiences are so different!

[edelweiss]

I haven't seen that myself. The only time I've ever heard someone really want one sex or another is if they have children of all one sex and are trying "one more time".

 

Personally, I was THRILLED when I found out that I was having a girl. I never had brothers and felt much more comfortable having a girl. We enjoyed her so much and when I got pregnant the next time, we both hoped for another girl. We got her! :001_smile:

 

I honestly never ever wanted a boy. I wouldn't know what to do with him. I love only having girls, and my DH does too. He has said that he is so glad that he only makes girls. :lol: