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My mom was very very very unsupportive of my homebirth with my last child. In fact, she cried, manipulated, etc. It was awful. My dad was almost as bad. After the baby was born happy and healthy she said I was "lucky" many many times,for months,and then said I wasn't allowed to have another kid as she can't handle the stress. I ignored all this as best I could.

 

Now I'm pregnant, and honestly had planned on holding off telling her for a while. I just am still getting used to the idea, my dh is still really stressed, and I just don't really want her to start giving me crap about it. She might not. She might just say congrats, but more likely will say "you are going to go to the hospital this time, right?"

 

So...waiting seemed good. Then I got a call from my sister today. She is also pregnant! Due the same month I am! So...I let it slip in suprise that I am too. I asked her NOT to tell my mom, but she said I should. I still asked her not to and told her i just need time to process, and want to make sure everything is ok first. But I'm worried she will tell anyway.

 

So, do I go ahead and tell now to avoid her getting upset if my sister tells her before I do, or do I wait and hope she stays quiet?

 

My husband doesn't know I told my sister, he dislikes her anyway (see previous post about her bringing up calling DCF on him). He says we can tell my parents when the baby has his/her first birthday, lol.

 

What do you think?

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What would happen if you told your parents and said "I am still deciding how I am going to deliver this one. This decision is made by my dh and me."

It is your baby, the decision is yours and it seems you have had no complications with your other homebirth.

Saying you cannot have anymore children because the stress is too much for her (unless said jokingly) seems controlling and very immature.

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I say tell her. U are going to keep thinking about it otherwise. You are a strong woman who is confident in her choices. Your moms disapproval is her issue, not yours.

 

Tell her and graciously thank her for her concern. Then touch your belly and think of your beautiful little one! :)

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If you really can't trust your sister not to spill the beans, you better do it now.

 

However, I think it is totally OK to lie about where you plan to have the baby until the birth is over. Or, at least be very noncommital and undecided . . .

 

We decided at 36 wks to have a homebirth with our first. We didn't tell anyone until after she was born. I knew the family would freak out, and didn't see any benefit in having them freak out ahead of time worrying. Worked out fine. That said, they were calm and supportive about subsequent home births.

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Your mom is going to find out anyway. It's YOUR

choice where your little one is born. It's NOT her

business! You're a grown woman, for goodness' sake!

 

Tell her homebirth is super safe 99% of the time.

If you don't have health problems there is NO

reason you should have to go to the hospital.

 

I wanted a homebirth SO BAD. My husband wouldn't

hear of it. What if something bad happens? He kept

saying. I gave in.

 

I had a HORRIBLE HOSPITAL birth, people poking me

with needles, cutting into me (episiotomy without my

consent--Dr. didn't even ask me, just did it),

bossing me around (forcing me to get an internal monitor--I

am repeating "I know what that is and I don't want it" and

they are pressuring me that there could be something wrong

until I am insane with pain and stress and finally give in), treating

me rudely (you'd better rub your uterus so it shrinks; if

not, I'm going to do it, and I won't do it gently, and it's going

to hurt!), not letting me eat (I sneaked into the bathroom

and ate pretzels feeling miserable, mocking me (comments like

"She can't even get her shoes on and she refuses a wheelchair!)

 

I HATED THAT EXPERIENCE!

(My pregnancy had been smooth, no complications,

no health issues, and baby was born healthy and

great thanks to God--but I am sure the delivery

would have been much better at home!)

 

You stay home and have your beautiful homebirth!

Don't care what your mom says!

 

And...CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Edited by jhschool
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My mom was very very very unsupportive of my homebirth with my last child. In fact, she cried, manipulated, etc. It was awful. My dad was almost as bad. After the baby was born happy and healthy she said I was "lucky" many many times,for months,and then said I wasn't allowed to have another kid as she can't handle the stress. I ignored all this as best I could.

 

Now I'm pregnant, and honestly had planned on holding off telling her for a while. I just am still getting used to the idea, my dh is still really stressed, and I just don't really want her to start giving me crap about it. She might not. She might just say congrats, but more likely will say "you are going to go to the hospital this time, right?"

 

 

and the sun might rise in the west, and purple ponies might rain from the sky. erect the boundary that discussion of the pregnancy is off-limits to your mom. Your sister may well let things slip (either intentionally to hurt you or through an unguarded moment), and you may well get a phone call from your mom. be prepared "mom, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". the subject is closed". "if you're too stressed out by my having a midwife, we just won't discuss it". subject closed. If she doesn't respect that, say goodbye, and hang up the phone and do not talk to her for at least 24 hours.

 

I will say, a friend who had home-births treated her daughter who chose to have hospital births (and with epidurals :svengo:) much the same. Some mothers just need something to criticize their daughters about. I'd suggest reading the NPD mother's thread and some books on boundaries. (would be helpful with your sister too).

 

your sister might enjoy the attention of having your mother think she is the only one pregnant. then again, she is a power tripper and may choose to hold back and "use" it at a judicious time to cause you trouble with your mother.

 

Personally, I wouldn't tell until I felt ready to deal. (and if that happens to coincide with a birth announcement, well those are the breaks) If "mom" calls and says sister told her, well, remind her how worried she was last time, and you didn't want her to worry this time so it would be best if neither of you discussed it ;).

Edited by gardenmom5
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I wouldn't tell her.

 

My MIL carried on like a pork chop when I was going to have dd. Apparently she "felt suicidal" because she wasn't going to see dd until she was 10 days old. That was the most stupid croc of everything because she wasn't even in the country when her first grandchild was born. :glare: (Lucky she was pulling that on dh not on me. I think she knew better than to try it on me.) So I asked dh not to tell her anything more vague than late January/ early February. It annoyed her, but she should have been grateful we didn't tell her why we wouldn't answer! Lucky for her, she didn't push quite that far. My MIL doesn't like me any more or less than she did before. *shrug* And I bet your mother won't either.

 

If she rings to freak at you, tell her she's being very rude and hang up. If she rings back, turn the tables and snarl "How dare you be so rude as to ring me, ME and shout? What kind of woman speaks so ill of her daughter and grandchild? You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself!" Then hang up.

 

You can't keep her quiet if she doesn't care to be, but perhaps you can MAKE her be quiet! And she'll deserve it and when your heart palpitations stop, you might find it liberating. Yeah there will be fall out, but you Don't Have To Care.

 

Do make sure she is launching into cannon fire before you start. Bellowing at your mum for normal level concern wouldn't be nice!

 

Rosie

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Now that your sister knows, your mom might as well hear it from you. But if she starts any of her manipulating ways, cut her off. Seriously. You're going to have to deal with it at some point. I'm guessing that no point in your pregnancy will feel like a good time to start dealing with your mom's predicted behavior. How did you handle her behavior last time?

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Personally, I wouldn't tell until I felt ready to deal. (and if that happens to coincide with a birth announcement, well those are the breaks) If "mom" calls and says sister told her, well, remind her how worried she was last time, and you didn't want her to worry this time so it would be best if neither of you discussed it ;).

 

this is perfect. I'm going to wait. as several of you said, my hubby needs time to deal with this without my parents giving us heck.

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Now that your sister knows, your mom might as well hear it from you. But if she starts any of her manipulating ways, cut her off. Seriously. You're going to have to deal with it at some point. I'm guessing that no point in your pregnancy will feel like a good time to start dealing with your mom's predicted behavior. How did you handle her behavior last time?

 

I first tried to convince them of the saftey. Then I gave up, as they were not interested in statistics or whatever. They just weren't. My mom is a former nurse, from the generation when nurses "knew" doctors knew better. She could not handle that I saw a midwife, instead of a doctor. Kept wanting to know when I would see a doctor. I actually did have one consult with one, as a VBAC candidate it was required, so that pacified her a bit, when I told her the doctor said it was ok. (that doctor later went on to have a home VBAC herself, we found out.)

 

The low point was when they were in town, driving through, and I invited them over. They used that chance, when my husband was at work, to gang up on me for an hour. I finally was just repeating "if this is so upsetting we shouldn't talk about it." After they left I cried for half an hour. I avoided being alone with them the rest of my pregnancy, as I don't think they would pull that kind of manipulation with my husband.

 

So, I think I will announce the pregnancy at my daughter's birthday party next month. That gives hubby time to adjust, and since it will be in public my parents can't go crazy and start anything ;)

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I have not read the entire thread, but will say this:

 

--You have given your sister power over you. You risk further hurt. After her antics with the DCFS threat this seems very, very risky to me. It would not surprise me one bit if further mischief comes from your sister. Please hear my concern for you, not judgment--I worry that you may continue to give your sister power in small ways, and that she will hurt you. I also worry about the effects on your marriage if you continue to cross boundaries with someone who has threatened your husband and children in such a drastic manner. Your husband is right not to trust her.

 

--If you choose to tell your mom, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not listen to any of her negativity on the subject. Then, each. and. every. time. she slips and says something stupid, your response needs to be a calm, "Mom, I am not going to listen to this kind of talk. I have to go now." End the conversation, leave the situation, whatever. There will be drama, and then she will be trained.

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Tell her you are pg and still discussing option on who/where you are delivering (since you are.)

 

I am 34 weeks and my MIL just found out I am planning a homebirth instead of a birthcenter birth. So I can totally understand people that are unsupportive of homebirth.

 

:grouphug:

 

PS Just for laughs she asked what would happen if I have the baby in 20 minutes. I live 30 minutes from any town, an hour from the birth center. :lol: Even if I was heading to town I would have the baby in the car if it came in 20 minutes. :auto: I prefer my own house/bed thank you. And I would love to have a 20 minute labor. I would be fine with that really.

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I was pregnant with my 4th son at a very difficult time. We didn't tell until I was 5-6 months along. I vote to wait until you're ready. If your sister tells your mom, and your mom calls you, I would just say "Look, mom, I didn't tell you because with all the hormones I didn't feel up to you questioning my choices. I was going to tell you when I was ready."

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I have not read the entire thread, but will say this:

 

--You have given your sister power over you. You risk further hurt. After her antics with the DCFS threat this seems very, very risky to me. It would not surprise me one bit if further mischief comes from your sister. Please hear my concern for you, not judgment--I worry that you may continue to give your sister power in small ways, and that she will hurt you. I also worry about the effects on your marriage if you continue to cross boundaries with someone who has threatened your husband and children in such a drastic manner. Your husband is right not to trust her.

 

--If you choose to tell your mom, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not listen to any of her negativity on the subject. Then, each. and. every. time. she slips and says something stupid, your response needs to be a calm, "Mom, I am not going to listen to this kind of talk. I have to go now." End the conversation, leave the situation, whatever. There will be drama, and then she will be trained.

 

:iagree: Very, very well said.

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--You have given your sister power over you. You risk further hurt. After her antics with the DCFS threat this seems very, very risky to me. It would not surprise me one bit if further mischief comes from your sister. Please hear my concern for you, not judgment--I worry that you may continue to give your sister power in small ways, and that she will hurt you. I also worry about the effects on your marriage if you continue to cross boundaries with someone who has threatened your husband and children in such a drastic manner. Your husband is right not to trust her.

 

--If you choose to tell your mom, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not listen to any of her negativity on the subject. Then, each. and. every. time. she slips and says something stupid, your response needs to be a calm, "Mom, I am not going to listen to this kind of talk. I have to go now." End the conversation, leave the situation, whatever. There will be drama, and then she will be trained.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but I am amazed that you are even being particularly friendly with your sister after the stunt she pulled on you and your dh.

 

Obviously, you know her and I don't, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her, so I would be a lot more worried about her ratting her out to your mom than I would about just calling your mom and telling her about the pregnancy.

 

You don't need this kind of worry and stress. You're already dealing with your dh's adjustment to the idea of a new baby, and quite honestly, that's more than enough right now. Tell your mom and if she has a problem with anything, tell her you appreciate her concern, but that you don't want to hear about it right now, and that she can talk with you about it again much later in your pregnancy when you're ready to listen to her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And please remember that we are all very happy for you about the new baby! :001_smile:

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I have not read the entire thread, but will say this:

 

--You have given your sister power over you. You risk further hurt. After her antics with the DCFS threat this seems very, very risky to me. It would not surprise me one bit if further mischief comes from your sister. Please hear my concern for you, not judgment--I worry that you may continue to give your sister power in small ways, and that she will hurt you. I also worry about the effects on your marriage if you continue to cross boundaries with someone who has threatened your husband and children in such a drastic manner. Your husband is right not to trust her.

 

--If you choose to tell your mom, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not listen to any of her negativity on the subject. Then, each. and. every. time. she slips and says something stupid, your response needs to be a calm, "Mom, I am not going to listen to this kind of talk. I have to go now." End the conversation, leave the situation, whatever. There will be drama, and then she will be trained.

 

I completely agree.

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I have not read the entire thread, but will say this:

 

--You have given your sister power over you. You risk further hurt. After her antics with the DCFS threat this seems very, very risky to me. It would not surprise me one bit if further mischief comes from your sister. Please hear my concern for you, not judgment--I worry that you may continue to give your sister power in small ways, and that she will hurt you. I also worry about the effects on your marriage if you continue to cross boundaries with someone who has threatened your husband and children in such a drastic manner. Your husband is right not to trust her.

 

--If you choose to tell your mom, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not listen to any of her negativity on the subject. Then, each. and. every. time. she slips and says something stupid, your response needs to be a calm, "Mom, I am not going to listen to this kind of talk. I have to go now." End the conversation, leave the situation, whatever. There will be drama, and then she will be trained.

 

Excellent post.

 

My mother gave me grief over our homebirth plans during my last pregnancy. I had already explained the whole situation to her, gave her the statistics, etc. Then, a couple weeks later, she played the worry card again and I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not need the stress of her giving me grief about my birth choices, or any of her negative mojo, and was not going to waste my breath repeating everything to her again when she clearly wasn't interested in being informed or listening to what I had to say. I told her I wasn't stupid, had researched my options well, and wasn't about to put myself or my baby at risk. That meant she could trust me and keep quiet, or stay out of my way. She knew that I would absolutely cut contact until after the birth if it was a choice between that and unwanted interference. And that was the end of that.

 

Wishing you all the best for a happy, healthy, stress-free pregnancy. :grouphug:

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:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but I am amazed that you are even being particularly friendly with your sister after the stunt she pulled on you and your dh.

 

Obviously, you know her and I don't, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her, so I would be a lot more worried about her ratting her out to your mom than I would about just calling your mom and telling her about the pregnancy.

 

You don't need this kind of worry and stress. You're already dealing with your dh's adjustment to the idea of a new baby, and quite honestly, that's more than enough right now. Tell your mom and if she has a problem with anything, tell her you appreciate her concern, but that you don't want to hear about it right now, and that she can talk with you about it again much later in your pregnancy when you're ready to listen to her.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And please remember that we are all very happy for you about the new baby! :001_smile:

 

I had no plans to tell my sister, i just was so shocked to hear we were pregnant and due the same time that I kind of let it slip. I instantly regretted it. As for being friendly, I see it this way...I can be superficially friendly and just know in the back of my mind what the real deal is, and be prepared. Or I can be unfriendly which will just instigate things I might not want to happen.

 

I emailed her today with the plan to announce on my daughter's birthday, and she thought that was really cute and liked it, so I think my secret might be safe until then. If she tells I can just tell my mom I wanted to do it creatively on Molly's birthday.

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I had no plans to tell my sister, i just was so shocked to hear we were pregnant and due the same time that I kind of let it slip. I instantly regretted it. As for being friendly, I see it this way...I can be superficially friendly and just know in the back of my mind what the real deal is, and be prepared. Or I can be unfriendly which will just instigate things I might not want to happen.

 

I emailed her today with the plan to announce on my daughter's birthday, and she thought that was really cute and liked it, so I think my secret might be safe until then. If she tells I can just tell my mom I wanted to do it creatively on Molly's birthday.

 

I think your plan sounds fine, especially because you put it in an email to your sister, so if she ruins the "planned surprise," you can be indignant about it and say she ruined the fun of telling your parents in a special way. :D

 

I can understand how you accidentally let it slip when your sister announced her news -- and I definitely know the feeling of "Oops -- why did I say that?" a few seconds after I tell someone something I should have kept to myself!

 

Ultimately, do whatever feels right to you. If you find that you're stressing about it between now and Molly's birthday, you can always tell your mom sooner and get it over with. Otherwise, just do it as planned. (As long as you don't think it will steal Molly's thunder on her birthday -- it is her day, after all.)

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I have not read the entire thread, but will say this:

 

--You have given your sister power over you. You risk further hurt. After her antics with the DCFS threat this seems very, very risky to me. It would not surprise me one bit if further mischief comes from your sister. Please hear my concern for you, not judgment--I worry that you may continue to give your sister power in small ways, and that she will hurt you. I also worry about the effects on your marriage if you continue to cross boundaries with someone who has threatened your husband and children in such a drastic manner. Your husband is right not to trust her.

 

--If you choose to tell your mom, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not listen to any of her negativity on the subject. Then, each. and. every. time. she slips and says something stupid, your response needs to be a calm, "Mom, I am not going to listen to this kind of talk. I have to go now." End the conversation, leave the situation, whatever. There will be drama, and then she will be trained.

 

 

:iagree: Another vote for this answer. Can we do a favorite answer thing like they have on Yahoo?

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I had no plans to tell my sister, i just was so shocked to hear we were pregnant and due the same time that I kind of let it slip. I instantly regretted it. As for being friendly, I see it this way...I can be superficially friendly and just know in the back of my mind what the real deal is, and be prepared. Or I can be unfriendly which will just instigate things I might not want to happen.

 

I emailed her today with the plan to announce on my daughter's birthday, and she thought that was really cute and liked it, so I think my secret might be safe until then. If she tells I can just tell my mom I wanted to do it creatively on Molly's birthday.

 

I understand. BTDT myself with difficult people. Learning to be superficially friendly is an art and a skill, and does take practice. I have found, also, that when things are going well with someone (or when surprised, as you were) it's easy to let down my guard.

 

I know you know this, but will say it anyway--her DCFS threat is unfortunately, sadly, one of those things that has to change things. I'm really sorry for that, sorry for you and for her. I had to implement changes like this with some who had once been dear to me and I know it hurts. :grouphug:

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No. I wouldn't. Your dh needs time to let things settle. On top of adjusting, he doesn't need unnecessary family drama. Just wait a bit. She doesn't need to know right now, and you don't need the hassle. IMO. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I wouldn't tell her.

 

My MIL carried on like a pork chop when I was going to have dd.

 

I, for one, would be very interested in knowing exactly how a pork chop carries on. :lol:

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Oh no! Not the sister again! :)

 

I wouldn't tell your mom. If sister tells, then shame on sister. If that happens and mom calls, I would have no qualms explaining that you didn't tell her because of all the drama about homebirth last time. Your holding back of the info is perfectly reasonable, and mom should know it (even if she doesn't want to admit it.)

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Don't tell her. When she eventually finds out, you can honestly say that after all the grief she gave you last time, You did NOT want to listen to it again for nine months. When she starts in, remind her "This is why I did not tell you sooner" and hang-up or walk away.

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My mom was very very very unsupportive of my homebirth with my last child. In fact, she cried, manipulated, etc. It was awful. My dad was almost as bad. After the baby was born happy and healthy she said I was "lucky" many many times,for months,and then said I wasn't allowed to have another kid as she can't handle the stress. I ignored all this as best I could.

 

Now I'm pregnant, and honestly had planned on holding off telling her for a while. I just am still getting used to the idea, my dh is still really stressed, and I just don't really want her to start giving me crap about it. She might not. She might just say congrats, but more likely will say "you are going to go to the hospital this time, right?"

 

So...waiting seemed good. Then I got a call from my sister today. She is also pregnant! Due the same month I am! So...I let it slip in suprise that I am too. I asked her NOT to tell my mom, but she said I should. I still asked her not to and told her i just need time to process, and want to make sure everything is ok first. But I'm worried she will tell anyway.

 

So, do I go ahead and tell now to avoid her getting upset if my sister tells her before I do, or do I wait and hope she stays quiet?

 

My husband doesn't know I told my sister, he dislikes her anyway (see previous post about her bringing up calling DCF on him). He says we can tell my parents when the baby has his/her first birthday, lol.

 

What do you think?

 

I would not tell her and continue asking sis to not tell. Mom will find out and the later she finds out the more she will realize how badly she hurt you with her negative comments previously (hopefully)

This is how it played out with my mom and mil. They got really negative with baby #4. We delayed telling them with #5. In fact, my kids let baby #5 slip when I was nearly 5 months along. It hurt her to realize I hadn't called her. She was the *first* one I told with some of the others. She was a lot more supportive with #6 and #7 so I can only assume that she got the message as we never came out and had a conversation about our hurt feelings.

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Your mom is going to find out anyway. It's YOUR choice where your little one is born. It's NOT her business! You're a grown woman, for goodness' sake!

 

I'm an older mom with a 12 yo as well as grown sons, one of which is married and has children. I can't IMAGINE being in their business like you have described. It's a mother's job to LET GO when her kids reach adulthood. She's done her job, now it's time to stand by with lots of cheering, encouragement, love and prayers. If your dear mother can't do that, then I would recommend being respectful and loving to her while also not sharing details of things that should be private decisions between you and your dh. Dh is your partner in life, not dear Mom.

 

Having said all that, I'd say tell Mom you are expecting (since the cat is out of the bag), but draw a boundary line where you need to by not sharing all your plans. If family can't be positive and supportive of your decisions for life now that you are married and on your own, then they should lose the right to be informed of certain things. I'd call the grandparents after you have the baby and graciously invite them to come visit your family. Be loving, but firm and don't let anyone cross the line. Period.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

Edited by HSMom2One
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So, I think I will announce the pregnancy at my daughter's birthday party next month. That gives hubby time to adjust, and since it will be in public my parents can't go crazy and start anything ;)

 

I wouldn't announce it then. Why take the chance of ruining her birthday party?

 

If you have already told your sister, I think the chance that your mom knows by now is a possibility.

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My only thought is you know how she will likely react if you tell her, but how will she react if you don't? I'm wondering which wrath would be worse. ;)

 

Exactly....I'm hoping I can use the normal "just want to get past chance of miscarriage" or something...but I think the "wanted to surprise you at the birthday party" will work. she definitely would be offended otherwise.

 

I'm actually known in the family for not sharing things, or keeping people out of the loop. Gee, wonder why???

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