Slipper Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 A friend of mine asked me to post after I was telling her about the Mormon Missionary thread. She feels like they have offended a friend of her daughters who is Mormon. Her daughter, Anna, went to a high school dance with a friend of hers, Chris. (Anna is Catholic, Chris is Mormon). I forget how they phrased it, but basically they dated for about 18 months. His mother asked Anna several times if she was interested in converting, but she always told them that she was not. Anna assumed that because she had told them she didn't want to convert, that Chris would realize that they were 'friendly dating' not 'romantic dating'. They quit seeing each other after graduation from high school - she went to college and he went to Germany for his mission trip. While he was in Germany, they communicated through the mail frequently. Shortly before he was expected to come home, one of his brothers called Anna up and asked her if she wanted a ride to the airport to meet the plane. She told him that she wasn't planning on going to the airport but would love to catch up with him over lunch soon. He called her when he arrived home and they made plans to have lunch. At that point, my friend intervened and told Anna that she shouldn't go to lunch for two reasons: One, she felt that Chris was getting the wrong signals from Anna and Two, Anna has a serious boyfriend who might not appreciate his girlfriend having lunch with a former boyfriend. So, Anna cancelled the date (not sure how she explained it). Chris is distant now with Anna and she's upset wondering if she did, in fact, lead him on. Her position is that because there was not a lot of 'romance' between them (kissing, etc) that he knew they were just friends. My friend is wondering if perhaps there isn't a lot of romance in dating for this religion (similar, I think, to Muslims - my sister dated a Muslim guy for a few years and never once kissed). My vote is that Anna (unknowingly) led Chris on but I told her I would ask on this board. Sorry if this is a silly question, but my friend is upset at the thought that they might have done something to hurt someone. They think very highly of him and socialize with his family quite a bit. I hope I haven't phrased anything poorly and offended anyone. I appreciate any thoughts on the matter. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I wouldn't worry too much about it. "Not a lot of kissing" sounds like there was at least some going on ;) and I can't imagine doing that with just friends, but I'm sure there are Mormons out there who do. In my opinion, it seems like he has just moved on. She's got a serious boyfriend, he doesn't want to mess with that. Maybe he is offended, but that would be his problem, not hers. I don't think any of her actions were offensive. Were they ever talking marriage before he left? Mormon boys are usually fully aware that when they leave girlfriends behind for two years, they probably won't be available when the boy gets back. I really don't think your friend should be worried. Sure he might be hurt, but he will get over it. Maybe he's just busy. You never know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I'm not a Mormon, but it would seem to me that Chris is being more distant because he knows Anna has a serious boyfriend. In short, he's doing the right thing. (And maybe he has met someone else, as well.) If she's already serious about another guy, why is she worried about not being closer to Chris? Are you sure she's not still carrying a torch for him? If not, and she's really just worried that she did something to hurt him, why doesn't she just ask him about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) A friend of mine asked me to post after I was telling her about the Mormon Missionary thread. She feels like they have offended a friend of her daughters who is Mormon. Her daughter, Anna, went to a high school dance with a friend of hers, Chris. (Anna is Catholic, Chris is Mormon). I forget how they phrased it, but basically they dated for about 18 months. His mother asked Anna several times if she was interested in converting, but she always told them that she was not. Anna assumed that because she had told them she didn't want to convert, that Chris would realize that they were 'friendly dating' not 'romantic dating'. They quit seeing each other after graduation from high school - she went to college and he went to Germany for his mission trip. While he was in Germany, they communicated through the mail frequently. Shortly before he was expected to come home, one of his brothers called Anna up and asked her if she wanted a ride to the airport to meet the plane. She told him that she wasn't planning on going to the airport but would love to catch up with him over lunch soon. He called her when he arrived home and they made plans to have lunch. At that point, my friend intervened and told Anna that she shouldn't go to lunch for two reasons: One, she felt that Chris was getting the wrong signals from Anna and Two, Anna has a serious boyfriend who might not appreciate his girlfriend having lunch with a former boyfriend. So, Anna cancelled the date (not sure how she explained it). Chris is distant now with Anna and she's upset wondering if she did, in fact, lead him on. Her position is that because there was not a lot of 'romance' between them (kissing, etc) that he knew they were just friends. My friend is wondering if perhaps there isn't a lot of romance in dating for this religion (similar, I think, to Muslims - my sister dated a Muslim guy for a few years and never once kissed). My vote is that Anna (unknowingly) led Chris on but I told her I would ask on this board. Sorry if this is a silly question, but my friend is upset at the thought that they might have done something to hurt someone. They think very highly of him and socialize with his family quite a bit. I hope I haven't phrased anything poorly and offended anyone. I appreciate any thoughts on the matter. :) there can be quite a lot of romance (kissing and handholding that is). ;) as in any group, social skills (and awareness of reality in dating realtionships) can vary considerably. :tongue_smilie: I think the boy and his family probably really like Anna, and were unrealistically hoping things would work out despite her repeated assurances she was happy being catholic. Anna writing to him could easily have just been friendship, but given the dating history, if the family and chris were leaning towards something happening, it would be easy for someone who is gungho to see something that wasn't really there. when Anna was writing to him, did she mention her serious boyfriend? and that it was serious? mormon missionaries leaving girlfriends behind who then write to them (including the reciept of the eventual "dear John" letter re:notice they've been dumped for someone actually present) are cliche for a reason. It happens. all. the. time. I think it's an unfortunate misunderstanding, but is repairable. Edited January 4, 2012 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 The LDS youth do have standards that discourage lots of physical intimacy. This is from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. "In dating, treat your date with respect, and expect your date to show that same respect to you. Never treat your date as an object to be used for your own lustful desires or ego. Improper physical contact can cause a loss of self-control. Always stay in control of yourself and your physical feelings. " That said even mormon girls sometimes lead on guys. It is a hard age for girls and guys as you deal with missions and girls moving on with their lives while the guys are gone. I am sure if Anna is dating somebody else and Chris knows it he is just trying to not bother her relationship. And perhaps he is dating somebody as well or has his eye on a girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I don't think this has anything to do with being LDS. It could be that the boy was more interested in her than she knew or it could be that he feels the distancing and is moving on. It isn't only LDS who discourage much physical affection before marriage. I grew up Protestant Christian and it was/is strongly discouraged! ;) Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeaganS Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Not uncommon at all and I'm sure he'll be fine. Almost this exact thing happened to my husband (except the girl was LDS too). We started dating 2 weeks later. :) It is a pretty common stereotype that girls don't wait for missionaries. It was sweet of her to write him that whole time, and if he read more into it than she intended, that is his problem, and chances are he is ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thanks for the replies. To answer some of the questions (the ones I remember anyway!), it's possible they were more serious than my friend wanted to admit. I know that this was Anna's longest relationship and that my friend was quite nervous as the months stretched on. They never discussed marriage (that I'm aware of) because of the difference of religion. I don't know if she ever mentioned a serious boyfriend to Chris in her letters, but it does make sense that once he became aware of the boyfriend's existence, that he became a bit more distant. (Either from emotion or out of respect). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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