TKDmom Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 This is my dd's rewrite of one of Aesop's fables. She was very resistant to revising anything besides minor spelling and punctuation errors. I'd love to hear some feedback. The Sun and the Wind The sun and the wind were arguing which was stronger. The wind said he could pull up trees and houses, but the sun said he was the lord of the sky. Suddenly, they saw a traveler on the road, and the sun said, “Whoever can pull that man’s coat off will be regarded as the stronger.†The wind agreed and said he would go first. The wind blew and blew, but the more he blew, the more the traveler wrapped his cloak around him. Soon the wind had to give up. Now it was the Sun’s turn. He shown and shown. Soon the traveler found it too hot to have his coat on. Kindness works better than force. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Except for the lack of spelling errors in your dd's work, this looks a lot like a first draft that my dd would have written. So, when you say that your dd is resistant to revising, she wouldn't consider replacing some of the "saids" with stronger words? Sometimes, when my reluctant-writer (allergic to the pencil) dd gets aggravated with me for suggesting we add some adjectives or change a consistently repeating word, I reread what she wrote like this: The wind said he could pull up trees and houses, but the sun said he was the lord of the sky. The sun said, “Whoever can pull that man’s coat off will be regarded as the stronger.†The wind said he would go first. Sometimes putting everything right after another like that makes them understand how many times they wrote "said." (Or, whatever it is that I'd like them to consider changing.) Overall, it looks like a just-ok piece, IMO. It would be good to use as a reference to compare to in a few months to see how far one has come in Homer's techniques. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Except for the lack of spelling errors in your dd's work, this looks a lot like a first draft that my dd would have written. So, when you say that your dd is resistant to revising, she wouldn't consider replacing some of the "saids" with stronger words? Yes, exactly. I made suggestions for half a dozen words that could replace said, suggested that she change a few words here and there, add stronger verbs, fill in details in a few places, etc. All of my suggestions were met with, "No, I like it the way it is." Thanks for your advice. Revising is really painful for us, and I think I will have to spend this year helping her learn to revise one little thing at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuovonne Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Thanks for your advice. Revising is really painful for us, and I think I will have to spend this year helping her learn to revise one little thing at a time. Reluctant writers can very attached to their own wording. It took them *so* much effort to create their work that they don't want to change it. You might want to work on revising text that is not her own. For example, create two slightly different sentences. Ask her which she thinks is better and why. Discuss the answer. Once she is comfortable with that procedure, give her one bland sentence and ask her to revise it. After that, start making suggestions to her original writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Reluctant writers can very attached to their own wording. It took them *so* much effort to create their work that they don't want to change it. You might want to work on revising text that is not her own. For example, create two slightly different sentences. Ask her which she thinks is better and why. Discuss the answer. Once she is comfortable with that procedure, give her one bland sentence and ask her to revise it. After that, start making suggestions to her original writing. Great idea. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create Your Ritual Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 We have used Classical Composition and I have found it helpful to teach them to integrate several of the 18 figures of description that CC teaches. Specifically in your story - Anemographia (vivid descr. of wind), Dialogismus (perhaps a conversation included that she makes up between the Wind and the Sun), Effectio (vivid description of a person's body) - the man with the coat on ... she could describe him more fully. The wind whipping through his coat or hair, and the sweat beading up on his forehead. You could also include Geographia - Vivid representation fo the earth or landscape, to give us a better picture of the day and the surroundings. These are all suggestions mind you. I personally feel like the figures of description taught in CC give the student more opportunity to be creative in the story and perhaps zoom in (ala Image Grammar) style on a few areas within the story. We have completed one year of Writing Tales 1 which did not teach them, then we moved into CC Fable and now CC Narrative. I am combining aspects of CC Narrative with CW Homer this semester for my dc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create Your Ritual Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 In case you might be wondering how CC Fable and CW might differ, here is a link to several CC samples that my dc have done this year. http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=325957 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 In the Homer core book pg. 278, the authors state, "Every paper needs to go through more than one draft cycle prior to completion." I admit that I had a mini-seizure reading that not due to any disagreement with it, but because I was imagining our day to day application of it. I think the part that helps is that I've told my son that his first draft will always need work and there will never be a time when his first draft will be accepted as the final version. However, I'm not making him do more than one revision because at this stage I think it would really turn him off writing. Do you have the utterance sheet from Aesop level? Have it available when your daughter is writing to help with the overuse of "said". It is in the last page of the Instructor's guide if you have it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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