older kids/teens and housework - help!

[kathymuggle]

If you were successful in helping (making?) your older kids/teens shape up in terms of housework - how did you do it?????

 

I am tired of cleaning up after them. They will clean up if asked - but I am tired of asking. I am particularly tired of them making food in the morning before school, eating it at the tv or computer and going traipsing off (la la la) to school and leaving me with the mess. They often deny it was them when they get home. Mr. nobody lives here it seems...

 

That is all. I am all :bigear: particularly if you have been there/done that (and yes, this is why you should teach your children early - but that hardly helps me now)

[The Girls' Mom]

I have come to the realization that they will need reminding until the day they move out. They are kids, and a clean house just isn't a priority for them.

 

My girls have had the same chore list for over 6 years. I still have to tell them every.single.day. to do their chores. They do them willingly enough, but never without prompting.

[LaxMom]

I have no constructive answers, but you reminded me of a "family meeting" my eldest daughter called when she was around 15 or 16. She decides that early evening is a good time for this and calls the meeting while the rest of us are in the living room. I'm changing twin toddlers for bed, husband is braiding 4 year old's hair. The child in question has one responsibility: do the dishes in the evening. (No, seriously. No job, no other responsibilities at all)

 

Meeting goes something like this:

 

Her: So, I'd like to not be responsible for the dishes anymore.

Husband (thinking maybe a regular nightly thing is just tedious and she would like to have more varied responsibilities): Ok, what would you like to do instead?

Her: :001_huh:

Husband: Ok, I mean, I'm willing to do the dishes on the nights I'm home, if that's helpful to you. Then you can just do them on the nights I work. What would you prefer to do on the days I'm home?

Her: :001_huh:

Husband: Ok... so, you WILL be contributing in another way? You know, besides coming out of your room for meals?

Her: :001_huh: Um, no. I just don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to do anything else, either.

Husband: :001_huh:... ... ... ... ok, yeah, no.

Her: screams something about not being a slave, how unfair her life is, and stomps away.

Us: :lol: :lol:

[Plucky]

I have come to the realization that they will need reminding until the day they move out. They are kids, and a clean house just isn't a priority for them.

 

My girls have had the same chore list for over 6 years. I still have to tell them every.single.day. to do their chores. They do them willingly enough, but never without prompting.

 

Yep, I agree. Someday they will be able to apply the life skills I've taught them to their own homes, but right now I have to nag it seems. I do tie bad attitudes and selfishness about chores to privileges though. If you are going to give me a hard time don't expect me to jump up and drive you places, and you may lose your fun stuff.

[Plucky]

I have no constructive answers, but you reminded me of a "family meeting" my eldest daughter called when she was around 15 or 16. She decides that early evening is a good time for this and calls the meeting while the rest of us are in the living room. I'm changing twin toddlers for bed, husband is braiding 4 year old's hair. The child in question has one responsibility: do the dishes in the evening. (No, seriously. No job, no other responsibilities at all)

 

Meeting goes something like this:

 

Her: So, I'd like to not be responsible for the dishes anymore.

Husband (thinking maybe a regular nightly thing is just tedious and she would like to have more varied responsibilities): Ok, what would you like to do instead?

Her: :001_huh:

Husband: Ok, I mean, I'm willing to do the dishes on the nights I'm home, if that's helpful to you. Then you can just do them on the nights I work. What would you prefer to do on the days I'm home?

Her: :001_huh:

Husband: Ok... so, you WILL be contributing in another way? You know, besides coming out of your room for meals?

Her: :001_huh: Um, no. I just don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to do anything else, either.

Husband: :001_huh:... ... ... ... ok, yeah, no.

Her: screams something about not being a slave, how unfair her life is, and stomps away.

Us: :lol: :lol:

 

Oh my. This cracks me up!

[Tarreymere]

:lol:

 

Mine all needed nagging and supervision until the day they stomped off into the sunset to their own apartments and homes. Now they call me and complain about how they have to nag and supervise their kids and spouses.

 

However, one trick that did have some efficacy was to put the offending mess on the perpetrator's pillow. Especially if it was icky. :D

[choirfarm]

I've been successful with one, but I am not sure how.... I started homeschooling when the boys were in 4th, 2nd and girl was 2. Whenever someone asked them what they hated most about homeschooling in the first few years, they would say CHOREs!! We made it a part of our day. What worked best for me was for us to do it all together for 30 minutes at the end of the day. I couldn't ever keep up with the charts with different jobs for different people. We would walk into a room and I would have one dust, one vacuum and one help me pick up items and put them away. We would then move to the next room. We generally got 3 rooms taken care of in 30 minutes.

 

They only get to play video games on the weekend and for them to be able to play on Friday, they must have school done and house must be clean including their own room and bathroom. ( I do not bother to worry about their rooms the rest of the week. This way it doesn't get too out of hand and they don't feel like I am breathing down their necks every day.)

 

I taught the boys how to do laundry and oldest does all the kids' laundry every Monday like clockwork. ( He likes order.) I plan to teach my daugher when he is gone. He also cooks. Several summers I got out my Taste of Home magazines and they would pick out something to cook and I would supervise. Oldest cooks quite well and I often leave him finishing something I've started or just cooking if I have to be gone.

 

Last week between Christmas and New Years I was running around shopping, doing things for daughter's b-day and left the kitchen a mess after throwing things in the crockpot. I came home and the kitchen was spotless. This happened twice that week. I always make a point of telling him how grateful I am for that. It is so wonderful that he saw that and did it without being asked. He is 16 and a junior. I may not let him go to college. His brother, 14, has a long way to go in that department.

 

Part of it is just personality, I think.

[Haiku]

Her: So, I'd like to not be responsible for the dishes anymore.

Husband (thinking maybe a regular nightly thing is just tedious and she would like to have more varied responsibilities): Ok, what would you like to do instead?

Her: :001_huh:

Husband: Ok, I mean, I'm willing to do the dishes on the nights I'm home, if that's helpful to you. Then you can just do them on the nights I work. What would you prefer to do on the days I'm home?

Her: :001_huh:

Husband: Ok... so, you WILL be contributing in another way? You know, besides coming out of your room for meals?

Her: :001_huh: Um, no. I just don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to do anything else, either.

Husband: :001_huh:... ... ... ... ok, yeah, no.

Her: screams something about not being a slave, how unfair her life is, and stomps away.

Us: :lol: :lol:

 

I think we have the same kid. In dd17's version of the world, she would have no responsibilities and unlimited privileges. She would not have to help or contribute anything at all, and we would give her everything she wanted. She honestly believes that life should be this way and that we are just mean for not making her dream a reality.

 

Her latest is that we should double our cell phone bill by acquiring our own plan (dh and I are currently on my MIL's plan) so that she can afford to have a smart phone and a data plan. We are horrible people for not wasting our money like that. :lol:

 

Most kids just don't have the sense of perspective to worry about chores. You just have to keep reminding them. I also have a list of what my kids have to accomplish every morning. If they went to school, they would be late if it was time to leave for school and they weren't finished. Home responsibilities come before ALL else.

 

Tara

[Plucky]

I do want to say that I have a Weekly Responsibility Checklist on a clipboard with a pen attached for each kid. They know to do the things on the list. I do have to check to make sure the chore is done adequately. We all work at the same time. They do their own laundry and have for years. They are good kids, but do have to be reminded of their responsibilities.

[kathymuggle]

You mean there is no magic bullet? Dang!

 

I have heard of the pillow thing and am thinking (seriously) about it. I am afraid they will just move the offending dish onto the floor near their pillow and all my dishes will disappear....

[Plucky]

:lol:

 

Mine all needed nagging and supervision until the day they stomped off into the sunset to their own apartments and homes. Now they call me and complain about how they have to nag and supervise their kids and spouses.

 

 

 

Yep, that's what I did. I am now pretty organized and keep a nice home, but I was a slovenly complaining teen. Most kids change. :D

[amyinva]

We have a morning routine that involves the entire family. We have to shower (unless showered previous evening), make beds, have all surfaces in rooms clear (floors clear too), teeth brushed, dishwasher unloaded, breakfast made and eaten, lunches packed if necessary, kitchen cleaned, house picked up (everything in whole house in its place), and morning chores done- dd12 cleans all 3 bathroom mirrors/sinks, ds9 brings all laundry to laundry room & sorts it, dd6 feeds/waters dog, I start a load of laundry. Teens often have to leave the house early for their community college classes, so they don't have specific morning chores, but must have all of the above stuff done before leaving and if they are at home they pitch in where they can or help ds2 get ready.

 

If we are not done by 8:30am, the family fails. It is a team effort, so we all succeed or fail together. Failing means up a half hour earlier the next day. Right now, we can get up as late as 7:45 and be done, but that is bc we pick up the night before so it doesn't take as long. Folks can get up earlier to exercise/have quiet time, but that is the latest.

 

This has been a real blessing for the whole family. House stays picked up, & school starts on time. It doesn't address your whole question, but I thought I'd put it out there, since it has gotten my whole family working well together. Our afternoon chores involve more actual cleaning, but this was such a huge start!

 

FYI, when we first started it took about a week to be able to do this. The house needed some organizing before the picking up was efficient (everything had to have a clear home) and it took some practice for everyone to move efficiently. Once we were able to do it for 7 consecutive days, we added the 1/2 hour penalty for failure. Before that, we were in learning mode. :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

Foster three (or usually five) special needs children so there are therapists (speech, play, occupational, physical, ECI) and social workers (agency, CPS, specialty) at the house regularly. That will force you and teens to have to become more organized and accountable. You will all pretty quickly get it figured out so as not to be stressed out messes. Even the littles will get good at it!

 

BTW, my littles have picture charts. If my teens were a problem, I'd probably suggest they could make themselves a list of what all needs to be done each day before they left (my teens don't leave; no doubt that helps). I could offer to make the list for them to help them out, but it might have a few extra things on it for my convenience :evil grin:

[RoughCollie]

I bought a router suggested by my sons. They did not realize that it has rudimentary parental controls on it. :D I can turn off internet access to each computer and wireless device. I turn it off, and when chores are completed, I turn it back on.

 

I add one hour of turn-off time each time one of the kids addresses me with complaints, arguments, or comments about this policy or about the chores they are are assigned to do. Those who keep their mouths shut and do their work are unaffected.

 

Should anyone be deprived of internet access and need it to do schoolwork, they may use my computer.

 

Also, if I find things that belong to my kids lying around downstairs, I put it in a trash bag. The deal is that day #1, the trashbag is on the front porch. On day #2, it goes into the garbage can. It is up to them to put away their stuff or to rescue it before garbage day.

 

If the things lying around are household items (plates, glasses, food), internet access goes away for one hour per item.

 

Until I find a better way, and I believe there is one, this is it.

Edited January 2, 2012 by RoughCollie

[The Girls' Mom]

I bought a router suggested by my sons. They did not realize that it has rudimentary parental controls on it. :D I can turn off internet access to each computer and wireless device. I turn it off, and when chores are completed, I turn it back on.

 

 

 

Completely off topic....but what router did you get?

[RoughCollie]

Completely off topic....but what router did you get?

 

Linksys E4200 -

[The Girls' Mom]

Linksys E4200 -

 

 

thank you!

[Aggie]

I do tie bad attitudes and selfishness about chores to privileges though. If you are going to give me a hard time don't expect me to jump up and drive you places, and you may lose your fun stuff.

 

Exactly. Please don't expect me to run you to dance, the movies, karate, voice, youth group if you haven't contributed to the keeping of our home. I can not teach all day, cook 3 squares, keep laundry clean, shop, and keep the house clean by myself.

 

I repeat our mantra several times a day, either all or part of it:

 

If you make a mess, clean it up.

If you get it out, put it away.

If you drop it, pick it up.

If you see it out of place, put it back.

 

Each of the dc have certain chores that must be done before school. Then at the end of the day I'll proclaim a "15 min clean-up" in which I'll either assign quick chores or let them choose to do what they see that needs to be done.

 

Mine all needed nagging and supervision until the day they stomped off into the sunset to their own apartments and homes. Now they call me and complain about how they have to nag and supervise their kids and spouses.

 

One of my goals is to teach my children to keep a clean home so that their spouses or roommates won't have to. And I'm teaching my girls to watch out for men who are raised with no responsibility in the home. It is an awful job for a wife to either teach her husband to clean up after himself or put up with his carp. And I'm trying to teach ds to be able to see a mess and clean. it. up. No easy chore on my part.:glare:

[coffeegal]

If you were successful in helping (making?) your older kids/teens shape up in terms of housework - how did you do it?????

 

Got put on bedrest during pregnancy #5. Dh took over the cooking, and the cleaning was divided between the 4 older children. Wonderful crash course in home-ec for the older 4 kids. They cheered when they found out that I was to 'take it easy' during pregnancy #6 instead of 'be waited on hand and foot'. :lol: Also having 2 toddlers moving about the house investigating items left out encourages teens to put their stuff up. ;)

[eternalknot]

Would it help if they were 'forced' into the same kind of situation?

 

If each kid is given responsibility for a room/area ... rather than being responsible for his own mess throughout the home ... inevitably it would come up that he was being left to clean up the mess someone else made/left. It's one of those a-ha moments (though, it can take several moments before the a-ha strikes LOL).

 

This leads to discussions of unfairness, child slavery, and the like, in which you can sit back, smirk at the irony, and explain to the kids that they're not being respectful of your time by leaving you do to the grunt work they're too lazy or "busy" or "forgot" to do. And so you've decided to share that particular brand of love by making it a family problem instead of one you've owned by default. Their default.

 

I don't imagine it will take too long under this arrangment for them to realize it's easier just to pick up after themselves; or to understand how their action (or INaction) affects others in the house. It's good practice for shared living as an adult - be it a dorm, roommate and apartment, or married life.

 

I think some people just don't get it, or think about it, until they've experienced it for themselves :).

[Haiku]

I also don't make the kids' problems that result from not taking care of their things/our house my fault. For example, my son just came to me in a rush because they are trying to get to hockey and said, "Mom! Where's my other tennis shoe?" I responded innocently, "In the shoe basket where it belongs." He said, "No, it's not!" and stood looking at me. I sat looking at him for a good 30 seconds before it dawned on him that this was not my problem. He went off in search of the shoe and eventually located it under the chair in the family room.

 

Another example: My kids like to use the back of the toilet as a storage place for stuff they don't want to put away. I have warned them repeatedly that things left there will be considered trash and disposed of. This morning dd17 came to me and asked if I knew where any of her headbands/barrettes were. I said pleasantly, "Yes." She stood looking at me for a few seconds before she asked, "Well, where are they?" I said, "Probably in the landfill by now. They were left in the 'I'm trash, please throw me away' spot, so I threw them away for you so you wouldn't have to do it yourself." :D She knew better than to say anything, and this afternoon she and her friend walked to Walgreens and bought more hairbands/barrettes.

 

It's not a magic bullet, but it does at least cut down on them hassling me about their stuff.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

I am particularly tired of them making food in the morning before school, eating it at the tv or computer and going traipsing off (la la la) to school and leaving me with the mess. They often deny it was them when they get home. Mr. nobody lives here it seems...

 

Oh, and I would be inclined to confiscate every dish that was left out and hide them so that eventually the kids would have nothing left to eat on. I'd keep a separate stash for myself, which I'd wash and put away immediately upon using so I always had something handy for myself.

 

Tara

[Night Owl]

My parents had a good system for dishes once my brother and I were old enough to handle washing our own. They bought a place setting of dishes for each person. They were different colors so if plates were left out, the culprit was readily identifiable. Also, if we forgot to clean our dishes, when the next meal was served, we went without until we cleaned our dishes. It definitely cut down on the mess.

[Live2Ride]

If you were successful in helping (making?) your older kids/teens shape up in terms of housework - how did you do it?????

 

I am tired of cleaning up after them. They will clean up if asked - but I am tired of asking. I am particularly tired of them making food in the morning before school, eating it at the tv or computer and going traipsing off (la la la) to school and leaving me with the mess. They often deny it was them when they get home. Mr. nobody lives here it seems...

 

That is all. I am all :bigear: particularly if you have been there/done that (and yes, this is why you should teach your children early - but that hardly helps me now)

 

 

Um, they don't clean, they don't eat and they go absolutely no where until they do..simple as that. I don't care if they are on some team or have practice or what not. It's not my fault they are letting their teammates down because they are being lazy at home. They have to answer to them for that and I do not lie for them if asked. If I find their stuff and have already asked them to pick it up...then it's gone to be donated to someone else. They pay for a lot of the 'extra's' that they want so they do take better care of many of their items.

 

I have a 12 and 14 year old, they do weekly dishes, take out the trash and recyclables, fold towels and washrags plus their own clothes, vacuuming, clean the hall bath, feed the pets and sometimes the farm animals if I need them to (I prefer to do that, but they have accompanied me enough that they know what to do). They also clean their own rooms, mow some in the warmer months and sometimes 'sign up' to do other chores that we may offer a little money for. They like that and I do because I don't always like cleaning my bathroom and they want to earn some extra cash.

Edited January 2, 2012 by CountryGirl2

[Ellie]

I also don't make the kids' problems that result from not taking care of their things/our house my fault. For example, my son just came to me in a rush because they are trying to get to hockey and said, "Mom! Where's my other tennis shoe?" I responded innocently, "In the shoe basket where it belongs." He said, "No, it's not!" and stood looking at me. I sat looking at him for a good 30 seconds before it dawned on him that this was not my problem. He went off in search of the shoe and eventually located it under the chair in the family room.

 

Another example: My kids like to use the back of the toilet as a storage place for stuff they don't want to put away. I have warned them repeatedly that things left there will be considered trash and disposed of. This morning dd17 came to me and asked if I knew where any of her headbands/barrettes were. I said pleasantly, "Yes." She stood looking at me for a few seconds before she asked, "Well, where are they?" I said, "Probably in the landfill by now. They were left in the 'I'm trash, please throw me away' spot, so I threw them away for you so you wouldn't have to do it yourself." :D She knew better than to say anything, and this afternoon she and her friend walked to Walgreens and bought more hairbands/barrettes.

 

It's not a magic bullet, but it does at least cut down on them hassling me about their stuff.

 

Tara

You are my hero. :D

[Ellie]

I am tired of cleaning up after them. They will clean up if asked - but I am tired of asking.

You *ask* them to clean up?

 

I am particularly tired of them making food in the morning before school, eating it at the tv or computer and going traipsing off (la la la) to school and leaving me with the mess. They often deny it was them when they get home. Mr. nobody lives here it seems...

By the time my dc (and I have only 2; I'm sure my answer would be different if I'd had many) were old enough to make their own food, they knew better than to leave a mess, because while they were in training I was on them to clean up after themselves. And we didn't eat food all around the house. I guess that was just a habit we never acquired. They would only once have left a mess behind, because life would have been so unpleasant when they got home they'd rather poke a stick in their eyeballs than leave a mess again. :D

[coffeegal]

You *ask* them to clean up?

 

 

By the time my dc (and I have only 2; I'm sure my answer would be different if I'd had many) were old enough to make their own food, they knew better than to leave a mess, because while they were in training I was on them to clean up after themselves. And we didn't eat food all around the house. I guess that was just a habit we never acquired. They would only once have left a mess behind, because life would have been so unpleasant when they got home they'd rather poke a stick in their eyeballs than leave a mess again. :D

 

:scared: "Mom's coming home!!!" We'd race around the house frantically in an effort to ensure the house was up to snuff before Mom walked in the door. For the life of me, I can't remember what she ever did to us, but it was unpleasant enough the house was always clean!

 

*Knowing Mom, she probably gave us very LONG and DETAILED lessons on how to pick up for several days. :ack2: :lol:

[fairfarmhand]

 

I am tired of cleaning up after them. They will clean up if asked - but I am tired of asking. I am particularly tired of them making food in the morning before school, eating it at the tv or computer and going traipsing off (la la la) to school and leaving me with the mess. They often deny it was them when they get home. Mr. nobody lives here it seems...

 

That is all. I am all :bigear: particularly if you have been there/done that (and yes, this is why you should teach your children early - but that hardly helps me now)

 

 

I try to think creatively. I have left banana peels and apple cores on people's pillows. In your case I might quit buying the messy food items until someone asks "Why don't you get x anymore?" I'd answer, "well it was contributing to a mess that I always got stuck cleaning up, so I quit buying it. "

[Tarreymere]

You mean there is no magic bullet? Dang!

 

I have heard of the pillow thing and am thinking (seriously) about it. I am afraid they will just move the offending dish onto the floor near their pillow and all my dishes will disappear....

 

Then dump the food/crumbs/goo out onto the pillow and take the dish! :lol: DH used to put garbage on one kid's pillow because he couldn't remember to take it out. That was a bit much, IMHO, but it only happened twice before the kid suddenly started to remember.

[Tarreymere]

Some great ideas here! My kids will hate me even more now!

[LibraryLover]

Kathy, this ain't MDC. lol I tell my kids to get their dishes and to wash them. (Our dishwasher broke down weeks ago and we aren't planning to replace it for quite awhile.)

 

There are few (to none ;)) folks at WTM likely to cut food in little pieces, and then wisk the plate away so their kid can continue to game. :D We're a bit less patient that way. :)

Edited January 3, 2012 by LibraryLover