Obligation for Keeping up with Extended Family

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is a series of related questions.

 

Do you think that outside of toxic family relationships that there is a familial "obligation" of sorts to keep up with extended family? I realize that extended family can extend out a long way but I was thinking more about adult siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.

 

I do. And try to keep up with relatives at least once a year. I don't do facebook but we communicate mostly through the Christmas card/letter route and through information about each other passed through our parents.

 

My siblings have not felt or acted on this sort of obligation so have no relationship with anyone beyond their parents, direct siblings and their children.

 

Related question: Do you think that parents should pass on this "obligation" as an expected part of life to their children?

 

Again, I do and I see my kids mirroring my own feelings on this subject.

 

My siblings have not passed this on and their adult children (in their 30's) have no contact with anyone outside of their own adult siblings and parents.

 

Related question: When do you think that sort of obligation should kick in without Mom reminding them?

 

It didn't become important to me until I got married.

 

Note: When I say "obligation", I don't mean that it is done solely out of duty with no feeling at all. But I think if I didn't have any sense of familial duty that I would let it slide sort of as a path of least resistance.

 

And over the years I've pruned my contact to only those extended family members who have welcomed the contact. My parents are surprised at how many do truly welcome the contact and reciprocate with contact of their own. I feel sad that my adult nieces and nephews who I had contact with through out their childhood have felt no need to reciprocate at all as they've become adults.

[Moxie]

No.

 

I came to that conclusion years ago at Christmas. I grew up in a house where, on Christmas morning, we opened presents, ran to Grandma's house to eat lunch and see everyone and then EVERYONE at Grandma's went to Great Grandma's house to see all the extended family. I hated it (I don't think my parents liked it either but they would never say that).

 

Anyway, I couldn't figure out why we were spending "the most wonderful day of the year" hanging out with people who we never saw and with whom we had nothing in common except some distant blood.

 

I'm happy keeping up with my siblings, DH's siblings and their kids. That is enough.

[Susann]

No.

 

I came to that conclusion years ago at Christmas. I grew up in a house where, on Christmas morning, we opened presents, ran to Grandma's house to eat lunch and see everyone and then EVERYONE at Grandma's went to Great Grandma's house to see all the extended family. I hated it (I don't think my parents liked it either but they would never say that).

 

Anyway, I couldn't figure out why we were spending "the most wonderful day of the year" hanging out with people who we never saw and with whom we had nothing in common except some distant blood.

 

I'm happy keeping up with my siblings, DH's siblings and their kids. That is enough.

 

:iagree: By the way, are we related? That's exactly how I spent e.v.e.r.y holiday growing up!!!!

[MeaganS]

This is a series of related questions.

 

Do you think that outside of toxic family relationships that there is a familial "obligation" of sorts to keep up with extended family? I realize that extended family can extend out a long way but I was thinking more about adult siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. Yes, some. I have over 50 cousins and 22 aunts and uncles. And that's just on my side, not counting dh's very large family. I feel an obligation to talk to them at family events and attend family events that aren't super inconvenient (we only have family reunions once every 10 years or so in those families because we're talking hundreds of people when you count my cousin's kids and spouses). I am friends on Facebook with many of my cousins and aunts and uncles, and I think this is plenty given that I hardly know many of them.

 

I do. And try to keep up with relatives at least once a year. I don't do facebook but we communicate mostly through the Christmas card/letter route and through information about each other passed through our parents.

 

My siblings have not felt or acted on this sort of obligation so have no relationship with anyone beyond their parents, direct siblings and their children.

 

Related question: Do you think that parents should pass on this "obligation" as an expected part of life to their children? No, although this is more as adults. I don't really know what this would mean for young children.

 

Again, I do and I see my kids mirroring my own feelings on this subject.

 

My siblings have not passed this on and their adult children (in their 30's) have no contact with anyone outside of their own adult siblings and parents.

 

Related question: When do you think that sort of obligation should kick in without Mom reminding them? Again, not sure what this means for children, and as adults, I don't think it is "mom's" place to remind their kids, except maybe an occasional phone call to Grandparents when there is good news.

 

It didn't become important to me until I got married.

 

Note: When I say "obligation", I don't mean that it is done solely out of duty with no feeling at all. But I think if I didn't have any sense of familial duty that I would let it slide sort of as a path of least resistance.

 

And over the years I've pruned my contact to only those extended family members who have welcomed the contact. My parents are surprised at how many do truly welcome the contact and reciprocate with contact of their own. I feel sad that my adult nieces and nephews who I had contact with through out their childhood have felt no need to reciprocate at all as they've become adults.

 

:001_smile:

[Daisy]

My husband is friends with my aunts, uncles, and cousins on Facebook. That's the closet we come to keeping in touch. And really we are not interacting. It is hard to explain. I know what is going on in their life now because they splash it on the computer. We still don't have any kind of a relationship and I don't really think anyone cares.

 

I don't think any of us feels obligated to do more than that.

 

My mom seems really bothered by the lack of family bond even among us siblings. But what can you do? We live all over the country. We never see each other. We talk maybe 3x a year. The rest of our interactions are FB updates.

 

Placing obligations in each other just seems an exercise in frustration.

[Moxie]

:iagree: By the way, are we related? That's exactly how I spent e.v.e.r.y holiday growing up!!!!

 

Maybe. I have so many distant cousins, I can't keep up. Here's the test for if we're related or not.

 

1) Do you have multiple children but none with the same father?

2) Are you missing mulitple teeth?

3) Do you consider a quick over-night in jail for public intoxication normal?

4) Was Bud or Bud Light served for the toast at your wedding?

 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, we might be cousins!!

[eternalknot]

I do think there's an obligation of sorts, yes.

 

I don't do Facebook or Christmas cards, but there are lots of other cards, emails and phone calls ... and most importantly, visits. A main reason we homeschool -and THE main reason I keep a job outside of the home- is so we can travel to visit relatives who don't live nearby. Even in-laws. I've been more instrumental in keeping our kids 'regulars' in the lives of their dad's extended family than he has; I chalked it up to gender, because his culture tends to view family the same way that mine does (read: there's an obligation!)

 

My mother's sisters are very close to my children (closer, in fact, than some of my friends' parents are to their own grandchildren). I know my cousins' kids well enough to tell you what is their favorite color and least favorite food - even though they live an ocean away.

 

I do think parents should pass on this obligation, yes. I say this with the understanding that some personalities are more likely to than others, and maybe even some genders over others - but the parent should absolutely stress the importance of extended family relationships IMO. Taking over the reins is up to the individual child, I suppose.

 

I have a very large family, and while my husband has only one sibling he has a pretty large and close extended family. We gather regularly, and always have, so the obligation seems ever-present - it's not like an ephiphany you have after marriage or starting a family. There's always someone's party or life event to attend, and such. I think that's been instrumental in our families; I can see how it'd be easy to adopt an "out of sight, out of mind" outlook if we didn't have frequent gatherings.

 

In your situation, OP, I'd feel very sad as well if my neices and nephews didn't reciprocate the relationship. Even if I knew it was something they might mature out of, it'd hurt. I grew up with aunts and uncles who functioned as secondary parents; whose children lived with us at times, and were raised as pseudo-siblings. I could no more cut regular contact with them than I would my own parents or siblings :(

 

:grouphug:

 

My MIL and FIL passed on the importance to their son (my husband), but he never felt that it was that important. He'd call his cousins when he was in town on leave, and visited his aunt when she had cancer ... but he wasn't one to call or email "just because". We used to have long conversations about this because I just didn't understand it! I felt I had to pick up his slack -- for his family's sake! (I got over it and realized that it wasn't that he didn't love his family, he just feel he had to nurture those relationships. He took it somewhat for granted. Not in a bad sense, just ... in a child-like sense. Which, ... that's what he was; even at 30 years old he was the child in those relationships. Peter Pan, I call him LOL.)

[NotSoObvious]

Maybe. I have so many distant cousins, I can't keep up. Here's the test for if we're related or not.

 

1) Do you have multiple children but none with the same father?

2) Are you missing mulitple teeth?

3) Do you consider a quick over-night in jail for public intoxication normal?

4) Was Bud or Bud Light served for the toast at your wedding?

 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, we might be cousins!!

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[tex-mex]

My husband is friends with my aunts, uncles, and cousins on Facebook. That's the closet we come to keeping in touch. And really we are not interacting. It is hard to explain. I know what is going on in their life now because they splash it on the computer. We still don't have any kind of a relationship and I don't really think anyone cares.

 

I don't think any of us feels obligated to do more than that.

 

My mom seems really bothered by the lack of family bond even among us siblings. But what can you do? We live all over the country. We never see each other. We talk maybe 3x a year. The rest of our interactions are FB updates.

 

Placing obligations in each other just seems an exercise in frustration.

Interesting.

I agree with your dh's method -- I do this also.

 

I keep in touch with my closest cousins (they were my best friends in high school) via FB. We send each other cards at Christmas. But other than that, we live thousands of miles away. I've heard her woes of divorce and remarriage -- she likewise heard of my drama. But are we still close? Meh. Not like it was in high school. But I am okay about that.

 

Strangely, I feel more closer to my cousins than my sisters. And I do have to admit that FB allows me to keep in touch with family (photos, updates, etc.) than making a huge effort in person. There are some family members you simply HAVE to keep boundaries or they will drive you nuts. LOL ;)

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think well of my cousins who ignore our grandmother. She's a bit annoying, and could talk the leg off a chair, but she's hardly toxic. I don't see how it could be too much of an exertion to ring her up to thank her for birthday money and to wish her a merry Christmas at a minimum. :glare: People should be nice to their oldies if it is at all possible. My brother and I even dropped in on our great uncle for Christmas, even though we don't like him, now he's confined to a nursing home and no longer has his freedom. We probably wouldn't if he had descendants of his own, though. However, he's no one in particular's responsibility, so we feel obliged to take a share. It took my other grandmother fifteen years to die of boredom and that's a very long time...

 

Looking at my mother's relations with her brother, his wife and daughter, I have to wish they'd all stop speaking to each other. They seem to speak mostly out of obligation, and it seems quite obvious to everyone that they don't like each other.

 

Extended family members who are not old or helpless only get my time and interest if they behave as though they like me. If they can't be bothered with me and rebuff my overtures, I won't bother with them either. I heard that one of my cousins in her late teens/early twenties had a go at one of our aunts for not keeping contact with her, despite the tension between her and cousin's mother. In my opinion, that's out of line. Cousin could have picked up the phone and called our aunt at any time, but she chose not to. The aunt wouldn't have ignored her if this cousin had shown any interest, but she didn't. One really does have to give a little if one wants something in return. :glare:

 

Rosie

[Dolphin]

My mother comes from a large family, she is the one sibling that all the other siblings all get along with, therefor I know all my Aunts and Uncles, cousins, cousins kids etc...

 

I see with some of my cousins a wish that they knew they rest of the family. But, some parts just never mixed. We are the lucky ones who get to have our extended family in our life, and I find it a blessing, not an obligation.

 

Oh, and facebook does help ALOT. 2/3rds of my friends I am related to.

 

ETA: I forgot this part, yes I do think that kids follow how there parents are with communication. I am really good with it, and my mom is too. My dh and his family are really bad about communication. I will remind him to call his parents, I don't want our kids growing up and only calling us once a month.

Edited December 31, 2011 by Northwest_Mama
forgot something

[Laurie4b]

This is a series of related questions.

 

Do you think that outside of toxic family relationships that there is a familial "obligation" of sorts to keep up with extended family? I realize that extended family can extend out a long way but I was thinking more about adult siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. I do feel an obligation, but am very conflicted about it with respect to my sisters. Do I have an obligation to a relationship when there just isn't one? That's the question I go round and round about. I actually have an easier time with my aunts, cousins, and dh's siblings , aunts, etc. than my own sisters.

 

I do. And try to keep up with relatives at least once a year. I don't do facebook but we communicate mostly through the Christmas card/letter route and through information about each other passed through our parents.

 

My siblings have not felt or acted on this sort of obligation so have no relationship with anyone beyond their parents, direct siblings and their children.

 

Related question: Do you think that parents should pass on this "obligation" as an expected part of life to their children? I hope that my kids will keep relationships with each other and I do make that desire known.

 

Again, I do and I see my kids mirroring my own feelings on this subject.

 

My siblings have not passed this on and their adult children (in their 30's) have no contact with anyone outside of their own adult siblings and parents.

 

Related question: When do you think that sort of obligation should kick in without Mom reminding them? Probably a gradual transition from rreminders in college/early 20s to being "on their own"

 

It didn't become important to me until I got married.

 

Note: When I say "obligation", I don't mean that it is done solely out of duty with no feeling at all. But I think if I didn't have any sense of familial duty that I would let it slide sort of as a path of least resistance.

 

And over the years I've pruned my contact to only those extended family members who have welcomed the contact. My parents are surprised at how many do truly welcome the contact and reciprocate with contact of their own. I feel sad that my adult nieces and nephews who I had contact with through out their childhood have felt no need to reciprocate at all as they've become adults.

 

This whole subject is very conflict-laden for me. As I said above, I feel there is no real relationship with either of my sisters. I tried for a number of years, but eventually gave up, but feel guilty about giving up.

[Mimm]

Maybe my family's just weird but I see four brothers and a sister very regularly. We all live in the same town (not the town we grew up in... I moved here and everyone else followed me to be close to family) and we spend time together, intentionally. We eat out all together for each person's birthday and we spend holidays together. If we've gone a few months without hanging out with a particular sibling, we call them up and make plans to spend time together.

 

ETA: On the other hand, I'm not speaking with my father...

Edited December 31, 2011 by Mimm

[Tarreymere]

We have a big family and we do stay in touch with each other, but we try not to create 'obligations' like some of the previous posters have mentioned about mandatory holiday get-togethers. We visit and phone back and forth, and we generally do manage at least one summertime BBQ or something similar with most of the family. Some of the cousins are better about keeping in touch with the other cousins and some are pretty much okay with going along with the family but probably won't continue to stay in touch over the long term. I just figure that hey, we're here if you want to hang out with us. If not, go in peace. :001_smile:

[Myeightkiddies]

Maybe. I have so many distant cousins, I can't keep up. Here's the test for if we're related or not.

 

1) Do you have multiple children but none with the same father?

2) Are you missing mulitple teeth?

3) Do you consider a quick over-night in jail for public intoxication normal?

4) Was Bud or Bud Light served for the toast at your wedding?

 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, we might be cousins!!

 

:lol::lol:

[PollyOR]

The older I am the more important it is becoming. Facebook has been a wonderful way to reconnect with some of my cousins. Most of them are older than me so I didn't know them well growing up.

 

My mother-in-law is big into the whole "know your cousins" thing and I'll admit that sometimes I get sick of feeling obligated to attend family reunions and get togethers. Tomorrow night is an example. I don't like getting out on the highway with all the drunk drivers but there will be hurt feelings if I don't drag my kids to their house to "play" with the cousins for New Year's Eve.

 

Lol! I seem to have mixed feelings about this. ;)

[swellmomma]

No. Actually when it comes to passing that on to kids I think my mom screwed teh pooch on that one. To this day she still tries to control what I say to which relative, or dictact the exact wording I am to use when I am to apparently call them etc. She also has a habit of talking about me and my kids to them which is normal but she stretches the truth so much and fabricates stuff that when we do get together in person they rarely look me in the eye (they accept her version of everything as they never actually speak to me directly about anything). So not outright toxic, but pointless imo. My 1 uncle grew up in my home, my parents raised him for a while. He and my aunt are only 9 years older than me. My kids are older than theirs, and yet they will barely say a word to me at family functions so I don't bother to keep in touch outside of them. I see my few cousins and aunts/uncles at family functions if my mom or sister invites them. Otherwise I have no contact with them. All my grandparents are dead. I have a few family members on facebook (my mom, brother & wife, 2 cousins, 1 aunt) The rest are not even on there. I have been distancing myself from other family members recently.

 

I used to think that there was an obligation but it was leaving me stressed, anxious, worn down, with hurt feelings, etc. Nothing overtly toxic but I decided that I was more obligated to my own kids and to myself than to the rest of them. When it comes to my own kids, I will let them determine which family members they keep in contact with, without trying to impose my idea of how things should be on them or pretending they are someone they are not just to make myself look better or to make myself get more sympathy etc.

[bettyandbob]

Before email, I was a letter writer and I liked getting mail. So communicating with friends and family, even distant family was a habit.

 

After I got married, I added dh's family and friends, including cousins to my Christmas list. Some of dh's friends immediately commented that they had never gotten anything from dh before. dh has 19 living cousins. I do not send Christmas to all, I never have had all their addresses. Over the years, one of dh's cousin has become a long distance friend to me. We've talked about child rearing issues and health issues and all kinds of stuff. I find her a great support. We've never met. My older kids have met her. dh was able to take them to a family reunion I could not attend several years ago. Another cousin had a child born with an extremely rare condition. One of my neighbors had a child born with the same condition 10 years earlier--I helped the cousin connect with my neighbor to get her through some very scary medical issues.

 

Most of these cousins are in Chicago. They are truly very nice people and I know if one of my dc finds himself/herself in Chicago, he or she has got plenty of people to call, just as they would have family friends to call in Newport News, Sweden or Paris Island (OK if one my kids is in Paris Island, they may not be permitted to call anyone, but there is someone there).

 

On my side, I used to send my godparents a card once a year. They always sent a note in their Christmas card saying they wanted visitors. I finally took them up on it and took my dd, younger ds and mother to see them. My godfather died a year ago, but I email my godmother once in a while, in addition to sending a Christmas letter. I'm glad I kept up the obligatory connection for a while, because I'm now enjoying a renewed relationship. dd has been asking to visit again, so I hope to set up another trip this spring.

 

Mostly I like regular contact, even if only once a year. I like to know how people are doing. I love the new friends I made. The expanded network is just a plus. I'd take the contact without the plus. If dh's family was not so nice I probably wouldn't have continued the contact.

[ThisIsTheDay]

My mom used to drag my sister and me an hour away several times a year to visit her old aunts. We tolerated it because we had no choice.

 

As I grew older, I began to treasure that part of our family to which she connected us. While that generation has passed, because of those visits, I'm in (internet) contact with a handful of those great-aunts' children/grandchildren. Several of them recently started a family email list, and I'm meeting more people I've only vaguely heard of. I'm grateful.

 

Dh and I moved across the country several years ago and are now a five hour drive to my dad's sisters/brother. Although I hadn't seen these people since 1980, I've taken my kids up there a handful of times now that we are able to visit. One child enjoys it more than the other, but I think they appreciate it a bit more than my sister and I did when we were children.

 

I don't feel a family obligation to visit. I am happy to visit. These are people who think I am important! If I think about it, I personally feel an obligation to ensure my kids know they have an extended family who love them even though they've barely met. It's good for my kids; it's a way of nurturing them, keeping them healthy, if that makes sense.

 

Due to a family feud, my sister and I rarely saw our few cousins while growing up. When we did see each other, it was as if we'd never been apart (and we'd always been apart). Even now, I may see those cousins once every ten years or so, and it's an instant connection. My children have no first cousins; extended family is a gift. They might not realize how valuable it is until they are older.

 

I've never really put quite so much thought into this. :D