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Feeling hurt by my siblings...rant


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ETA: I only have a moment to pop in right now, but I just wanted to say thanks for the hugs, advice, commiseration, and encouragment that you have all given me in this thread. It has been very uplifting. I really appreciate each and every one of you who took the time to respond to me either here or in a private message. Thank you so very much, ladies!

 

Ugh.

 

My family never visits me. Never. We lived just three hours away for three years and my sister visited twice. My mother and brother visited once and stayed less than 24 hours. I called them every other month to try to arrange meet ups at the half-way mark and even then it was like pulling teeth to get them to agree to meet for lunch (which I was footing the bill for, but I digress...)

 

My brother is 29. He and his fiance are living in my mother's spare room (he's been living there for years; fiance moved in right after they started seeing one another). I can't visit them because they all smoke heavily indoors. I have a kid with asthma.

 

I have invited my family numerous times over the years to visit us, even offering to purchase plane tickets. They always put me off. "Oh, I don't know if that's going to work out...we'll have to just play it by ear...etc." A few years ago my mother did agree to come for Christmas only to cancel on Christmas Eve.

 

Anyway. My brother's wedding was set for May 2012. His fiance, whom I don't know well, asked me to be in the wedding party. I accepted. A few days ago I was talking to them (brother, fiance, and Mom -- they had me on speaker phone) and it was casually mentioned that the wedding date had been changed to 2013. We are moving to the west coast in June 2012. They live in Florida. When I reminded them of our coming move my brother just said, "Yeah, I know. Don't worry. We'll post lots of pics on Facebook." :001_huh: I said that my feelings were hurt, that I had wanted to be there. He just sort of blew it off and said that if I wanted to fly my family back for his wedding that I was welcome to. I got off the phone and cried.

 

I sent him an email and told him again that my feelings were hurt, that they are the only family that I have and that we never see each other, that I am hurt by their refusal to visit, etc. I asked him why they won't visit me.

 

So today his fiance posts a snarky status on FB about how someone she asked to be in the wedding is stressing her out, should she uninvite them from her wedding, blah blah blah. WTH? I emailed her and told her that if her comment was directed at me that she really should just uninvite me. Good grief. A little while later she deleted the post.

 

I'm just hurt and needing to tell someone, I guess. They are the only family that I have, really, and they don't want to spend time with me for whatever reason. It really sucks.

Edited by Pretty in Pink
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:grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

 

If it were me I'd probably write them all off and concentrate on my dh and dd. But I'm hard hearted that way.

 

Ditto, but I am really sorry they are treating you like this. Hope you can figure out how to move past it. :grouphug:

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Immature and thoughtless. Not necessarily mean, although that is a distinct possibility.

From the sound of it, a Christmas card once a year is about all the contact you need :)

 

Other than emailing one aunt and a cousin, I have no contact with my family. DH's makes up for it, though :)

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:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

In their eyes you're the one that is moving, so it's your problem. Although I find that attitude :confused: :confused: :confused:. I'm sorry, they're .....well I can't say it... they're do-do heads.

 

I would say you're trying to maintain the family and they don't seem to care. I'd be crying too.

 

Dh has similar visitation issues with his family.

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I'm sorry that you are so hurt by them. I'd really like to tell you to move on and don't fight for those who don't want to be bothered. :grouphug:

 

There must be a reason why they moved the wedding date - probably financial. I'm sure they would have moved the date no matter what and most likely cannot do it on schedule, even though you are moving. Try not to take that part personally.

 

The fiance was out of line by posting that on FB, especially knowing you are her friend. It just seems odd how cold the rest of the family is.

 

In the end you may have to do some self-preservation and just let them go. Maybe they'll put forth more effort if you aren't there always trying. They seem not to want to budge. Perhaps in time they will try. It's not fair to you, and it's really cruel for them to be so cold.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

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I understand the hurt part about not visiting. Do you think they might feel judged because you don't visit them because of the smoking? (I know you said that you have a child with asthma, but people can be in denial about the effects of their behavior.)

 

I'm confused about the wedding, though. It sounds like you're saying it was wrong of them to change the wedding date because you would be on the other coast by then. Is that what you were saying?

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:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry. Their unfeeling attitude must be very painful. I'm sure the wedding date move was just about their own convenience for whatever reason, which is totally fine, but the way it was handled toward you was insensitive. I think that, compounded by a history of indifference, would be hurtful for me, as well.

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:grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

 

If it were me I'd probably write them all off and concentrate on my dh and dd. But I'm hard hearted that way.

 

:iagree:

 

I heard this saying once that has applied many times in my life:

 

"who needs enemies when you have family?"

 

Sad, but true.

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I know your brother sounds childless. What about your sister?

 

I think it's hard sometimes to be the sibling that that has children first. Your siblings don't really "get" the parenthood thing, feel inconvenienced and burdened by having kids around, and fail to appreciate that they are growing up and it's important to see them.

 

Then you siblings have kids, and you DO get it and shower them with love.

 

This isn't the way it was in my family (my sisters have been awesome) but I see it all the time.

 

They probably think you are over reacting to the asthma, should just travel yourself, etc. They may sort of not want a pack of kids at their wedding - some brides are like that.

 

It's really hard and sad. They should be coming down to see the new babies, getting to know your older children, and at the very least, not being catty and stupid on facebook. I'm sorry.

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Awwww!!! Huge :grouphug:'s for you! So sorry you have a crappy family..and I am sure they are good people and decent to be around with their own friends, but they are pretty much like barnacles...they set root, could care less about the rest of the ocean, but as long as you're a barnacle, they're cool with you. Celebrate the fact that you are NOT a barnacle...(they probably resent this a bit, and the whole smoking thing is probably keeping them away to be honest...they probably feel some level of guilt/judgment from you and don't want to be reminded...something in you reminds them of their shortcomings..so they just would rather not 'deal' with you) I think it's crazy for them to put off a marriage for another year when they're already living together...something else is going on there. I'm sure some is financial, even 3 hours away, my siblings can not afford to drive down (well, that's debateable...they spend more on coca colas and eating out than I do in 6 months..but they won't 'change' their lifestyle) but if she wrote something like that on her wall...not worth it really...do not let your happiness or disappointments ever depend on something they do or do not do, accept them for what they are and you have to let go of all the rest.

I am hoping to be the type of parent I see lacking in mine and nurture the great things I did get from my parents to pass on...it's all little stuff, but it adds up and as an adult raising children (esp. homeschooling them) we sometimes want someone to care for us the way we care for our own family...sometimes that does not meet our expectations..

 

Rejoice that you are NOT a barnacle! (Barnacles are not 'bad' just not mobile :))

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The reason that they postponed the wedding date was to accommodate the schedule of one of the bridesmaids. My brother told me this. I asked, "So you would rather she attend the wedding than me?" and he said no, that it wasn't exactly that, but that this girl is such a close friend, etc...so basically yes, they would rather have her attend even if it means that I can't. They're not having a big wedding -- it's a backyard bbq wedding, literally. It's costing a few hundred bucks (mostly food) and that is being split several ways.

 

They do take offense that I can't visit due to their smoking but there's not much I can do about that.

 

It's so many more times than just this once. I guess that's why I am so upset. My mom doesn't work. I asked her over the summer if she would like to come up for my daughter's birth in Oct. This is our last baby. My mom hasn't been around for any of the babies even though I have asked her. It would have meant a lot to me to have her here -- at the birth if she wanted, or here at home to enjoy our little girl with us for a few days. I offered to fly her up. She said that she would like that and then just put me off about dates, etc. until I finally quit asking. The same about holidays. The same about meeting for lunch. Just always the same excuses.

 

My brother didn't invite me to his first wedding, either. All of his friends were there, my mom and sister were there, etc. I wasn't even invited. I only lived 3 hours away at that time. I was really happy to be included this time.

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Is it possible that for whatever reason they have decided to cut off or limit contact with you? Are there contentious issues other than the smoking?

 

I ask this because I have read posts here advising members to cut off or limit contact with family for a variety of reasons. Your family seems to be conducting themselves in the manner that members here recommend when cutting someone out of your life: little or no initiation of contact, declining invitations to visit, etc. Of course, the mother canceling day before was lousy.

 

Perhaps they erroneously perceive that you look down on them because they smoke? Could it be that none of them can kick the habit, but they do not want to potentially harm your asthmatic daughter? Maybe they are uncomfortable visiting nonsmoking households?

 

Regarding an informal outdoor bbq wedding, you can safely assume there will be lots of smoking going on. It probably is best not to expose your asthmatic daughter to it.

 

Smoking has grown so controversial that smokers tend to identify and congregate with other smokers.

 

There is not anything you can do about the distance your extended family has chosen to place between you and them, but luckily you have a nice little nuclear family.

 

The wedding decisions are theirs to make. You probably should avoid facebook communication with the fiance for now until things settle down.

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Ugh.

 

My family never visits me. Never. We lived just three hours away for three years and my sister visited twice. My mother and brother visited once and stayed less than 24 hours. I called them every other month to try to arrange meet ups at the half-way mark and even then it was like pulling teeth to get them to agree to meet for lunch (which I was footing the bill for, but I digress...)

 

My brother is 29. He and his fiance are living in my mother's spare room (he's been living there for years; fiance moved in right after they started seeing one another). I can't visit them because they all smoke heavily indoors. I have a kid with asthma.

 

I have invited my family numerous times over the years to visit us, even offering to purchase plane tickets. They always put me off. "Oh, I don't know if that's going to work out...we'll have to just play it by ear...etc." A few years ago my mother did agree to come for Christmas only to cancel on Christmas Eve.

 

Anyway. My brother's wedding was set for May 2012. His fiance, whom I don't know well, asked me to be in the wedding party. I accepted. A few days ago I was talking to them (brother, fiance, and Mom -- they had me on speaker phone) and it was casually mentioned that the wedding date had been changed to 2013. We are moving to the west coast in June 2012. They live in Florida. When I reminded them of our coming move my brother just said, "Yeah, I know. Don't worry. We'll post lots of pics on Facebook." :001_huh: I said that my feelings were hurt, that I had wanted to be there. He just sort of blew it off and said that if I wanted to fly my family back for his wedding that I was welcome to. I got off the phone and cried.

 

I sent him an email and told him again that my feelings were hurt, that they are the only family that I have and that we never see each other, that I am hurt by their refusal to visit, etc. I asked him why they won't visit me.

 

So today his fiance posts a snarky status on FB about how someone she asked to be in the wedding is stressing her out, should she uninvite them from her wedding, blah blah blah. WTH? I emailed her and told her that if her comment was directed at me that she really should just uninvite me. Good grief. A little while later she deleted the post.

 

I'm just hurt and needing to tell someone, I guess. They are the only family that I have, really, and they don't want to spend time with me for whatever reason. It really sucks.

It really isn't you. It is the fact that they are enslaved by cigarettes.

 

I once offered my brother extremely good seats (nearly front row, center line) at a pro football game that he would have loved to have seen. He had to decline. He couldn't go without smoking that long.

 

He's gone now, far too young.

 

They can't visit you because you can't let them fill their lungs with toxins in your house because of your child.

 

It's sad, but they have made a choice. All you can do is pray they are delivered from bondage. As far as the fiance, I'd just ignore it or if you ever do see her, ask her directly if that was about you because you really would like to see them. They have a really sad life anyway if they are living in one room in his Mom's house.

 

Pray and forgive....

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Is it possible that for whatever reason they have decided to cut off or limit contact with you? Are there contentious issues other than the smoking?

 

I ask this because I have read posts here advising members to cut off or limit contact with family for a variety of reasons. Your family seems to be conducting themselves in the manner that members here recommend when cutting someone out of your life: little or no initiation of contact, declining invitations to visit, etc. Of course, the mother canceling day before was lousy.

 

Perhaps they erroneously perceive that you look down on them because they smoke? Could it be that none of them can kick the habit, but they do not want to potentially harm your asthmatic daughter? Maybe they are uncomfortable visiting nonsmoking households?

 

Regarding an informal outdoor bbq wedding, you can safely assume there will be lots of smoking going on. It probably is best not to expose your asthmatic daughter to it.

 

Smoking has grown so controversial that smokers tend to identify and congregate with other smokers.

 

There is not anything you can do about the distance your extended family has chosen to place between you and them, but luckily you have a nice little nuclear family.

 

The wedding decisions are theirs to make. You probably should avoid facebook communication with the fiance for now until things settle down.

 

I really liked this post. :) It rang true to me.

 

Some of my family members limit contact with us in very minor ways. Extremely minor compared with "Pretty in Pink". It's because we have chosen to live a different life style then the majority and are sometimes seen as judgmental because of doing so.

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If it were me I'd probably write them all off and concentrate on my dh and dd. But I'm hard hearted that way.

 

 

:iagree: I have a pretty sucky family. I have learned to expect nothing from them, and they are very much at the periphery of my life now. Since I "wrote them off", I have become SO much happier and less anxious.

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I am so sorry! :grouphug:

 

my mother lives 1 1/2 hr away but has only been to my house twice. She never comes to my kids birthdays or recitals, even to the point of promising to come hours before and then not showing up. (I finally quit telling my kids that she was coming so they wouldn't be hurt, and then I just stopped inviting her)

 

However, she has visited my step-dad's daughter & family at their home in another state, they drive out -at least once a year, sometimes more.

 

I know it hurts, but you just have to realize that they are not kind people, only care about themselves- and move on. Make your own family, find good friends to visit and have visit you. It's not you, it is them- and their own selfishness/smallness. Truly. It is not a valid judgement on your value as a daughter, sister, or human being- these people are flawed.

 

I realized after a bit that I didn't really want to be in the inner circle of favor anyways, they all bicker and fight among themselves. I really have no need of that kind of pettiness.

 

I visit my mom just after major holidays to see them, but I do not expect anything of them, I expect the gifts to be junk and the gifts to my kids to be junk and then I am not surprised or disappointed. Every once in a while when she does inquire about my kids' interest and does take time to get something thoughtful, then I get the bonus of a pleasant surprise.

 

my mom has got a whole narcissism thing going, but that's a diff. post....

 

hugs to you, I advise to move on, grieve and don't look back much.

Edited by Hen Jen
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my mom has got a whole narcissism thing going, but that's a diff. post....

 

I was just thinking it might be helpful to Google "ignoring narcissist".

 

I tend to agree with the others who say it's time to realize this is them an make your way without trying to have a relatioship that's not. I don't advocate no contact, but I think it's more destructive to you to keep being disappointed by having expectations of them that do not match the reality of who they are. :grouphug:

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I'm so sorry, that must be really difficult. I think perhaps if I were you, I'd try and let them go. I mean, they don't sound like "family" to me. I know of other people who are much closer to their circle of friends than family, and that circle becomes their family. Perhaps it's time to release them from your expectations (even though you have every right to have those expectations), and seek your close "family" elsewhere. Still be polite, of course, and try not to be bitter. But, it sounds like they have a lot of issues, and that can just keep dragging you down. How can that be a good thing?

I know it's so much easier said than done, and I'm not in this situation myself so I'm not in your shoes. Still, how can something so negative be a good thing for your family?

Hopefully with time and reflection, your family will change their ways. Anything is possible!

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I was just thinking it might be helpful to Google "ignoring narcissist".

 

:

 

Thanks Angela,

 

yes, I did google NPD this year after hearing it mentioned on this board, and I found the daughter's of narcissist mothers website -(and I discovered my mom is the ignoring narcissist mother-spot on Angela! The website has really helped. My latest phone call with her would have ended with me in tears, but after finding this website and reading around, I was prepared that I would get some kind of NPD thing from her on the phone...I only had to discover what form it would be. I got nasty mom who is not getting enough attention from anyone. She went on to rip my faith and beliefs, which she knows very little about, since she is not interested in anyone else and never asks...:tongue_smilie:

 

I was able to ignore the barbs, change the subject and keep the conversation short. I walked away not upset, but with pity for her. The website was really life-changing.

 

hugs to all of you with selfish family

:grouphug:

Edited by Hen Jen
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Hen Jen :grouphug: I have the engulfing type, and I'm an only so I get golden child/scapegoat whiplash. I actually had a raucously funny talk with my husband (who has been known to throw the "but, gee, she's your mother" out there) while reading the traits page the other night and he was coming up with examples of various behaviours. Alas, the mirth has since worn off.

 

Pretty in Pink: I in no way mean to suggest your family has a collective personality disorder. You may gain some insight into the dynamic you're experiencing on that site, though. Whether pathological or not, what you describe is very similar to the "scapegoat" experience of an ignoring type NPD mother. Unhealthy, no matter how extreme. :grouphug: again to you.

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:grouphug: I agree with Parrothead. Family should not tear you down and be so mean spirited. I just deleted my sister off of all my social networks and devices. I screen her calls and am severely limiting any contact between her and my family. I got tired of being torn down everytime I spoke to her. It sucks having to walk away from family, especially when you only have them to turn to etc, but for your own well being and by extension your family's well-being too. Ditch to dodo's that think it is okay to tear people down and move on. Clearly they have no compunctions with hurting your feelings and don't give a darn that they did when you pointed it out. Wash your hands of them and focus on positive thoughts/feelings. I have to say as soon as I removed my sister from the bulk of my life it was very freeing.

 

As for family not visiting. I lived in the same house for 8 years, it was 20 minutes from my parents place. They NEVER EVER would visit, always had an excuse when invited. In 8 years they had seen my home TWICE. And I was only 20 minutes from them. Funny thing is, my brother moves to Vancouver last December. My parents have already flown out twice to go visit him. They go to my sister's place(20 minutes the other way from them) at least 2-3 times a month. I live 2 hours away I see them even less now(not as easy for me to drive 4 kids 2 hours to them). I have learned to accept it as the way it is. My brother and sister have only seen my new house once, the day I moved in almost 2 years ago. They saw my other house once or twice total in the 8 years I lived there. It is the way it is in some families. Some members are ostrasized and it is up to you to decide if you are going to let that hold you back and hurt you, or if you are going to write them off, and focus on how great your life is without that nonsense and drama.

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Your family's actions are just hurtful. I know what it's like to be excluded, except it's my in-laws offending, so it doesn't cut as deep as if it were my own family.

The only advise I can offer won't help much. Sometimes, the family we are given isn't the family we're meant to be a part of. It is then that we have to go out and build our own. I have a couple friends who are as close as family-who are kind and generous and loving. They are included in all my family events and I in theirs. It's even more special because they were chosen and I was chosen. Does that make sense?

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It sounds to me that they have their own thing going and you aren't included in their lives...period, for whatever reason. You give them power when you let them hurt you/tell them that they hurt you. If they won't tell you what their issue is after you have asked them, then I would drop it...and them.

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This is the moment where you realize that just because you are blood related to someone does NOT mean that you have to keep close ties with them. These people are self centered and have proven time and again that they aren't worried about your feelings. You do NOT have to maintain a relationship with people who make you feel bad time and again.

 

I would write them off and put my total focus on my own husband and children and close friends that I consider to be my "family" (you know, people who actually treat me kindly and care about me).

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I have felt the same way so many times! :grouphug: I was the only one in my family that moved away and it usually feels like "out of sight, out of mind". I've had to just work on letting it go and enjoying them when I am able to visit. My brother once came within two hours of me for work, stayed five days, and never called me. I had even told him that we would drive there to see him. :glare:

 

It seems that they resent and don't understand why I wanted to move and see other places. They really don't understand why we didn't settle back home. (even though dh's job moved us here). We've just become very different people and I have to settle on being more an acqaintance now than family.

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I think brothers can be clueless, but sorry about your mom and sister. At some point, I think you should ask yourself - not why don't they want to be close to me? but rather - Why do I want to be close to them? If they don't treat you very nicely, then what is in you that makes you want to keep up a relationship with people who don't treat you as you deserve to be treated. I know they are the only family you have, but there are people with absolutely no family who live fulfilling lives and are contented.

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I think brothers can be clueless, but sorry about your mom and sister. At some point, I think you should ask yourself - not why don't they want to be close to me? but rather - Why do I want to be close to them? If they don't treat you very nicely, then what is in you that makes you want to keep up a relationship with people who don't treat you as you deserve to be treated. I know they are the only family you have, but there are people with absolutely no family who live fulfilling lives and are contented.

 

 

Yes, this.

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I'm not sure what the right words are, but I know what you need. You need to know you have your own family now, your most important family, the one you and your husband make. Your other family is what it is and it probably won't be (but hopefully will be) what you want it to be or what you need it to be sometimes, just from my own experience. We've grown to appreciate our families' good, expect their worsts and try to avoid those situations, and make our home what we want it to be despite how different it is from how we were raised. Yes, that was mean. And it hurts to have someone rant on facebook about you, I had a family member do the same & had other family members comment about it until they found out it was about me. You might want to click the "hide" button on her so you don't have to see her rants. It sounds like they don't care that much, maybe the wedding isn't serious if they are putting it off a whole year, I have no idea, just wondering. Anyway, we hope and try to teach our kids to protect themselves and hope to help them protect their feelings too, you aren't the first to have to protect your feelings from your own family, so don't feel badly about that, make yours what you want it to be.

Edited by rocketgirl
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Pretty In Pink, I had a similar thing happen to me. My middle sister has a difficult relationship with the rest of us. She seems to be permanently ensconced in her teenage rebellious phase, and often claims to be the black sheep of our family and misunderstood. To me, she's a pretty normal, professional middle-aged woman; I can't comprehend why she thinks we would not approve of her very normal choices and attitudes. :confused: I would love to have a better relationship with her, but she seems determined to leave things as they are.

 

When I was pregnant with my last child, we knew the delivery date pretty early as I was going to have a c-section. She was told about the date and the surgery. All was well. When I called to tell her the results of the ultrasound, "It's a girl!", she calmly congratulated me and then told me that she had news too. She had decided to set her wedding date for 2 weeks after my delivery date, and she lives across the country from me. I got teary and told her I wouldn't be able to go so close to the birth, and she seemed to be completely indifferent. Tough luck for me! I would never have planned my wedding for a time one of my siblings definitely could not attend. WTH?

 

I am so sorry. All we can do is let them be who they are and try not to take it personally.

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:grouphug:

 

I have a large, close-knit family and it's always hard for me to understand how people can take family for granted (the way yours is taking you). I have no doubt that if they ever needed you, you'd pull through and be there for them -- it's just sad that it might take that kind of catostrophe for them to realize it, too. Or to value you, for that matter.

 

I'm so sorry that your attempts to reach out have been ignored. I can't begin to imagine how that must hurt. I do believe in families forever, but I've never been in your position. I think if I were, I'd keep the door open and keep doing what you're doing - reaching out, and hoping; I guess I'd also eventually get to the point where the door was slammed in my face so many times, I'd give up. That's so sad, but one can only take so much rejection :(

 

Remember that family is what you make of it ... but that you can only do so much with what you're given. Look around, and I bet you have love and support of others in your life who can function as a foster family of sorts. You deserve to be important to someone, and I sincerely hope you find people who treasure you.

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