Having an "untraditional" Christmas

[Annie Laurie]

My parents live near me and like to see the kids and like to be with us. But I feel like we keep doing certain things at the holidays just because they're traditional and my parents expect it. If it were just my immediate family, we would relax on Christmas day and just order pizza or something and watch movies.

 

I'm just feeling let down and burned out today. My parents come over earlier and earlier every year. This year they were here from noon until 8:30 pm or so. The kids are up early for Christmas and I was already exhausted the day before from baking and cooking all day in preparation for Christmas. Then they interrupted baby ds's nap, it was a long day of feeling like we had to entertain all day, and the kids were overtired and cranky. And I was in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes all day.

 

Then my brother and his wife showed up right at dinner, which I'm sure was planned. They never contribute to dinner, didn't help clean up, and we don't even enjoy each other's company. It's all part of family obligation and "tradition" that we even get together.

 

So dh and I just feel like next year we're ordering pizza and sitting around with the kids. I think I'll just say we're having a Christmas pizza lunch and whoever wants to come over for lunch is welcome, but that's all we're doing. That way they won't stay all day long and it might be early enough that brother and sister in law won't bother to come.

 

But I feel bad for some reason, like my kids will miss the big, fancy meal and traditions or something. In reality, I know that all of those traditions that result in everyone being tired and cranky are no good anyway, and it would be much better to enjoy being together. I guess I just needed to hear that other people have a good time on Christmas day without making a big meal and having a lot of family over. Anyone just do nothing much and relax at home on Christmas?

[JessReplanted]

You basically just described our Christmas (except for this year - since we went to church this morning).

 

We don't have any family nearby. We order Chinese food on Christmas Eve, and get enough to eat again the next day. On Christmas morning we open our gifts and I make cinnamon rolls (and not from scratch!). Then, we spend the day in our pajamas playing with our new toys & watching movies. We usually take a nap, and get up and start playing again.

 

I've never heard any complaints from my kids. ;) I think we all enjoy just having the time to relax and have fun together.

[Denisemomof4]

 

But I feel bad for some reason, like my kids will miss the big, fancy meal and traditions or something. In reality, I know that all of those traditions that result in everyone being tired and cranky are no good anyway, and it would be much better to enjoy being together. I guess I just needed to hear that other people have a good time on Christmas day without making a big meal and having a lot of family over. Anyone just do nothing much and relax at home on Christmas?

 

I was going to suggest that maybe you invite everyone over for dessert, maybe eat an earlier dinner and have everyone over afterwards for dessert and presents. Then I saw the bolded above. Why not either ask everyone else to pitch in, have everyone for dessert, or draw up boundaries that are more comfortable for you and your family, as in dh and kids?

 

I am totally exhausted, too. But I'm sad because we don't have many family members left to invite. :sad:

[Annie Laurie]

You basically just described our Christmas (except for this year - since we went to church this morning).

 

We don't have any family nearby. We order Chinese food on Christmas Eve, and get enough to eat again the next day. On Christmas morning we open our gifts and I make cinnamon rolls (and not from scratch!). Then, we spend the day in our pajamas playing with our new toys & watching movies. We usually take a nap, and get up and start playing again.

 

I've never heard any complaints from my kids. ;) I think we all enjoy just having the time to relax and have fun together.

 

That sounds wonderful!!

[Annie Laurie]

I was going to suggest that maybe you invite everyone over for dessert, maybe eat an earlier dinner and have everyone over afterwards for dessert and presents. Then I saw the bolded above. Why not either ask everyone else to pitch in, have everyone for dessert, or draw up boundaries that are more comfortable for you and your family, as in dh and kids?

 

I am totally exhausted, too. But I'm sad because we don't have many family members left to invite. :sad:

 

I understand that sad feeling too, I miss my grandma and everyone being here, and the big family Christmases we used to have.

 

We definitely have to give some thought to what we'll do differently next year. I want the kids to enjoy it but want to lessen the stress and pressure.

[Tarreymere]

My parents have passed away, DH's mom is in a nursing home with dementia in another state (near his only sister) and his dad is remarried to a woman with no kids or other family and they do their own thing. We have six adult children and five of those are married or paired off and have kids of their own (thirteen grandchildren total). Some of the kids have married into families as big as ours.

 

We felt early on that there are too many obligatory gatherings, dinners, gift-swapping, ect. and that no one was enjoying the holidays. So for the last several years since we are the 'senior' family members on our side we have declared the holidays an 'obligation-free' time. We don't give gifts other than to the kids still living at home with us. We don't have parties, dinners, or other events and require family to attend. We announce that we are going to be at home and that we have cookies and if anyone wants to come over we will be happy to see them. We don't go visit any of the kids or their families until after the holiday is over.

 

It is soooo much more relaxing for everyone. Usually the kids are so busy with obligations to their spouse's family that they are very happy NOT to have to do the same with their own and to spend what downtime they have with their own kids. After the holidays are over typically we resume our usual pattern of visiting each other and sharing stories over tea while the kids run around in the yard. MUCH more pleasant, and no pressure.

 

Edited to add: Major BBQ events are STILL mandatory in the summer!

[PollyOR]

Thanks for starting this thread. It's giving me some great ideas. :bigear:

[regentrude]

I am totally exhausted, too. But I'm sad because we don't have many family members left to invite. :sad:

 

We have nobody. Not one single family member on this continent. I would gladly slave in the kitchen and entertain for a week if I could only have Christmas with my parents or my sister and niece.

 

If you have family who can and want to share the holidays, count yourself blessed.

 

this said: I do not think it matters whether the meal is pizza or a fancy cooked dinner (although it is perfectly possible to cook a nice meal without undue stress and long hours of laboring). You could even just invite for coffee/tea and cookies in the afternoon - it is a meal that is often used to have guests in other parts of the world.

Edited December 26, 2011 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

There is always the possibility to of something more fancy than pizza and less so than a full Christmas dinner. You could put a chicken in a crock-pot with some veg and make or buy a pie and have peppermint ice-cream.

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, I really like to cook, and I love traditions. So that colors my reply.

 

I think your kids benefit from having a tradition of a big gathering and special food. I think that although they can't articulate this, they will miss it and miss out if you change drastically. I suggest an incremental change instead.

[Susann]

I'm probably come at this from a different perspective. I was the oldest daughter in a family of six kids. Every holiday we had our family of eight, two sets of g'ma/g'pas, and an aunt and uncle making it a total of fourteen. I spent every. blasted. holiday. shopping, cleaning, cooking. My dh comes from a similiar sized family. We promised when we got married that it would be just our family at home on the holidays and we'd do what we wanted. We see family at other times during the season but it's just us and our two dds on the holiday itself. We absolutely love it. It was a beautiful sunny day yesterday we got up when we wanted, opened presents,went for a hike, had what we wanted for dinner, took naps and played games on our schedule. My youngest is a senior this year, oldest is a sophmore in college. I know our days of being just us is almost over. If being with family brings you joy or you feel a need to be together do it. If not, do what's right for your family!

[Amy in TX]

I get your stress. Even though I love my extended family very dearly, and want to be with them on important holidays, I'm enough of an introvert to find it stressful to be "on" all day long. And I hate cooking!

 

Maybe you can lessen the stress without giving up the specialness of the day. All of the above suggestions are good. What about a potluck meal? Next year, a month or so ahead of time, you could invite everyone to a Christmas potluck lunch, and ask each cook what he/she would like to bring. You cook only the turkey, or whatever.

 

I host a lot of very large family gatherings, and I have reduced my stress simply by deciding that everything doesn't have to be perfect, and everyone will love me even if I don't personally cook an array of elaborate dishes. I now just order out food, de-clutter the rooms people will be sitting in, and wipe down the bathroom guests will be using. I am less stressed and enjoy my relatives more.

 

As other posters have said, nothing has to be elaborate or difficult if you don't want it to be. Do whatever is least stressful--your family will still love you. :grouphug:

[Kebo]

If you don't enjoy cooking, then you probably shouldn't cook and ruin your holiday. I do like cooking, so I do it.

 

If you wanted to have a more elaborate meal, you could do it without a lot of stress. There are a lot of good prepared items available-- we used several from Trader Joe's this year. Or you could make ahead part of the meal, like a lasagna. Or, you could make the pizza special by following it up with a make your own ice cream sundae bar or bake cookies together or have chocolate fondue. Whatever makes the day special to you and your family.

 

You can make your own traditions! You don't have to use anybody else's ideas of what makes a holiday special. I think food memories can be really strong, so I like to put some thought into them, but thought doesn't have to equal lots of work.

[LibraryLover]

I do Christmas dinner. Nobody is allowed to come over before 4pm. ;) Seriously, I need most of my day with my own family, but come dinnertime, I am happy to see all. We do simple food. A baked spiral ham, mashed potatoes, a big salad, veggies etc. We also order some food from a local place that is ethnic to my dh's culture. He's says one thing they make is better than his mother's was. lol My sister and mother bring dessert.

 

My family seems to prefer a late supper. Everyone can chill at home, or, in my mother's case, she goes to church most of the day and helps feeds some folks who have nowhere to go. She couldn't get here before 4, no matter. She usually gets here closer to 5. Which is fine, because we like our appetizers and cocktails. :lol:

[KathyBC]

My parents live near me and like to see the kids and like to be with us. But I feel like we keep doing certain things at the holidays just because they're traditional and my parents expect it. If it were just my immediate family, we would relax on Christmas day and just order pizza or something and watch movies.

 

I'm just feeling let down and burned out today. My parents come over earlier and earlier every year. This year they were here from noon until 8:30 pm or so. The kids are up early for Christmas and I was already exhausted the day before from baking and cooking all day in preparation for Christmas. Then they interrupted baby ds's nap, it was a long day of feeling like we had to entertain all day, and the kids were overtired and cranky. And I was in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes all day.

 

Then my brother and his wife showed up right at dinner, which I'm sure was planned. They never contribute to dinner, didn't help clean up, and we don't even enjoy each other's company. It's all part of family obligation and "tradition" that we even get together.

 

So dh and I just feel like next year we're ordering pizza and sitting around with the kids. I think I'll just say we're having a Christmas pizza lunch and whoever wants to come over for lunch is welcome, but that's all we're doing. That way they won't stay all day long and it might be early enough that brother and sister in law won't bother to come.

 

But I feel bad for some reason, like my kids will miss the big, fancy meal and traditions or something. In reality, I know that all of those traditions that result in everyone being tired and cranky are no good anyway, and it would be much better to enjoy being together. I guess I just needed to hear that other people have a good time on Christmas day without making a big meal and having a lot of family over. Anyone just do nothing much and relax at home on Christmas?

 

It sounds like the tradition needs to become more equitable.

 

Why not make it more potluck? You could do the things that need to be done there, such as turkey and mashed potatoes, and have them bring salads, buns, desserts? And they should absolutely be helping with the dishes! Or maybe it's their turn to host?

 

Agreeing with a lot of the others: keep the tradition, but make some changes.

[Alicia64]

You basically just described our Christmas (except for this year - since we went to church this morning).

 

We don't have any family nearby. We order Chinese food on Christmas Eve, and get enough to eat again the next day. On Christmas morning we open our gifts and I make cinnamon rolls (and not from scratch!). Then, we spend the day in our pajamas playing with our new toys & watching movies. We usually take a nap, and get up and start playing again.

 

I've never heard any complaints from my kids. ;) I think we all enjoy just having the time to relax and have fun together.

 

This is SO us next year!!!

[amyx4]

We were where you were when the kids where little. In just the last couple of years, we've had family members that work in jobs that require some work on Christmas. So around Thanksgiving, everyone compares schedules, and this year we celebrated on the 23rd. It's at my house. If I had know then what I know now I would've switched years ago!

The 23rd is still alot of work but for us this was one way to spend time with our large extened family without trying to cram it all in in one day. One year we did brunch on the 24th. Maybe you can change the routine a little bit without giving up all the traditions that you like. (IMHO the noncontributing bil/sil would be bringing all the dessert. Make'm stop at a bakery if they have to :)

[cathmom]

We have nobody. Not one single family member on this continent. I would gladly slave in the kitchen and entertain for a week if I could only have Christmas with my parents or my sister and niece.

 

If you have family who can and want to share the holidays, count yourself blessed.

 

this said: I do not think it matters whether the meal is pizza or a fancy cooked dinner (although it is perfectly possible to cook a nice meal without undue stress and long hours of laboring).

 

I agree with Regentrude. I wish my relatives were able to spend Christmas with us. We have a big dinner, all the same stuff as Thanksgiving, but it's really not that much work. The only thing that is kind of time-consuming is the mashed potatoes from scratch, but we still do it because it's most of my family's favorite dish (including dh, and he helps make them).

 

Christmas Eve I usually do a lot of cooking and like to try at least one new recipe. This year I didn't feel up to it and we just made our normal dishes and bought some appetizers from Trader Joe's. It was fun trying new things!

 

My children do value the traditions, and as a child I really looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. I would say to look for short-cuts that make it easier on you and try to enjoy your family and the holiday!

 

:grouphug:

[cathmom]

nm

Edited December 27, 2011 by cathmom
sorry, double post

[SweetMissMagnolia]

don't really have any drama with our extended families (at least on my side LOL)--but we wanted to do our "own family" thing during the holidays and not have it all be so rushed to get to someone's house before dinner and then get home to relax and let kiddo play with his toys...so about 6-7 yrs ago we started staying home during the holidays--sleep as late as we want to (or as late as kiddo will let us)--eat whenever/whatever we want....definately easier and less stressful......

[LibraryLover]

I

 

My children do value the traditions, and as a child I really looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. I would say to look for short-cuts that make it easier on you and try to enjoy your family and the holiday!

 

:grouphug:

 

Yes, my children very much value certain traditions. (I do as well, as does dh.)

 

However. I know that I couldn't put together a Christmas day luncheon without losing my mind. Yet a late dinner is very doable. Maybe I am not making flaky homemade pie dough, but nobody seems to care a bit about any of that.

[Laurie4b]

We don't live near family and I usually have duties at church on Christmas Eve, so we don't travel until after Christmas. My 4 sons do value the fancier meals, though, and no way I could get out of making homemade cinnamon buns on Christmas Eve for Christmas morning breakfast. It's one of their favorite parts! However, other than the cinnamon buns, the rest of what I choose to make isn't time consuming and two of my ds's like to help me cook, anyway, so they do a lot of it. We do, however, just chill with our nuclear family on Christmas Day and that is nice. However, we always travel the week after Christmas. I do enjoy being with our extended family members then.

 

If your parents don't have to have Christmas exactly on Dec. 25th, maybe you could do something the next day with them. Or your pizza lunch sounds nice and relaxed (it would be expensive for us, though, with 4 teenaged boys.)

[cathmom]

Yes, my children very much value certain traditions. (I do as well, as does dh.)

 

However. I know that I couldn't put together a Christmas day luncheon without losing my mind. Yet a late dinner is very doable. Maybe I am not making flaky homemade pie dough, but nobody seems to care a bit about any of that.

 

We have whatever was left over from Christmas Eve for lunch on Christmas. Dinner is our normal dinnertime, around 7 PM or so depending on when it's all ready. I agree, making a new lunch would be crazy!

[Joyofsixreboot]

I don't mind cooking and enjoy parties/ family but gifts stress me out. I'm not good at getting the right thing. I'm trying to convince my kids to just do stockings next year.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that there is a middle ground to look for.

 

And that involves a little more preparation.

 

Soup made a week in advance can often be frozen.

 

Yeast dough keeps pretty well in the fridge, if you don't want to buy store bread or rolls. You can make it with less yeast than usual, and keep it stored for up to three days. On the day you're going to bake it, take it out early in the morning, let it come to room temp., punch it down, and then once it rises again it will be ready to bake.

 

Bagged salad is really good now--go with that for veggies.

 

The only way around mashed potatoes is roasted ones, but they are really good. You parboil them early in the meat roasting process, and then when they are almost done you drain them, toss them with some garlic salt and olive oil, put them into the bottom of the roasting pan, and leave them until the meat is done. They will be SO GOOD.

 

Dessert does not have to be elaborate. Apple crisp is a real hit this time of the year, and if you serve it with vanilla ice cream and have some chocolate syrup ready for kids who don't like spicy desserts, you will please everyone.

 

There is no reason to do all the cooking on Christmas Eve. Work ahead, and it will be much more pleasant.

[AimeeM]

Have you ASKED your children how they would feel about changing tradition?

We recently decided to nix the big Thanksgiving dinner. We don't care for the traditional fare and it's stressful. We decided to take the children out to a nice restaurant instead :D

Traditions are what you make of them.

[Carol in Cal.]

Have you ASKED your children how they would feel about changing tradition?

 

I tried that this year. I am the one who establishes and insists on annual traditions, especially about Christmas and Easter. My DH and DD complain about them, and it has been wearing me down, so this year when someone invited us over for Christmas Eve, I talked with both of them about it. They both said that they didn't care, but it turns out that DD is furious. She feels that the question should never have been asked, that traditions mean that you always do them without talking about them. Well, that was interesting.

[AimeeM]

I tried that this year. I am the one who establishes and insists on annual traditions, especially about Christmas and Easter. My DH and DD complain about them, and it has been wearing me down, so this year when someone invited us over for Christmas Eve, I talked with both of them about it. They both said that they didn't care, but it turns out that DD is furious. She feels that the question should never have been asked, that traditions mean that you always do them without talking about them. Well, that was interesting.

 

Lol! Poor mom!

Ask them what they envision a preferable holiday to look like.

[HiddenJewel]

We do a very relaxed celebration with family. Food is buffet/munch style. This year we had sliced ham and turkey with croissants and sandwich fixings. Some side dishes, drinks, and munchies. Definitely paper plates, disposable silverware and cups. (We use a Sharpie to mark names on cups.) No set agenda for the day - just eating, visiting, gifts and games as we were ready for them. Still time spent with family but with very little stress.

[Starr]

If they are coming anyway let them know what time dinner is and what to bring. ;) Personally I like the pizza idea and say movies start at a certain time.

[Carol in Cal.]

Lol! Poor mom!

Ask them what they envision a preferable holiday to look like.

 

No, actually I'm going with, OK, you DO care, that would be an excellent reason not to complain going forward.

We will revert to our traditions next year, and no one is allowed to complain about them. I'm good with that! I LIKE these traditions. I ESTABLISHED them, and they are GOOD!

[ThisIsTheDay]

But I feel bad for some reason, like my kids will miss the big, fancy meal and traditions or something.

 

But your tradition will be to have a relaxing day with pizza! That's special! We used to live near family and spent all holidays as you described, if not at mil/fil's house, then at our house with everyone there.

 

Everyone moved. We enjoyed, and continue to enjoy our "solo" Christmases. Occasionally we've had others join us, and we've made it a point to turn down invitations from friends for that day. Sometimes my kids wish a relative would come visit, but overall, they totally enjoy our Christmases and wouldn't trade.

 

If you are enthusiastic and show it to your kids for the fun that it is, they will embrace it and have fun with it also!

[applesing]

Our favorite Christmases have been the ones during which we stayed in our jammies all day, played with the new toys and enjoyed an easy breakfast casserole with rolls for brunch and leftover chowder from Christmas Eve for supper. Our tradition is that we stay home on Christmas Day, and it is very special. We often do the big dinner on the 26th. That actually gives us an extra day of celebration, and we find that this is a more agreeable time for a family gathering.

[ereks mom]

I guess I just needed to hear that other people have a good time on Christmas day without making a big meal and having a lot of family over. Anyone just do nothing much and relax at home on Christmas?

 

We relax all day. I buy a spiral sliced ham, croissants, cheeses, fresh fruit, egg nog, milk, and juice. I make coffee and I set all the food out on the kitchen counter along with paper plates, plasticware, and that's it for brunch/lunch/whatever all day. Whenever anyone gets hungry, they fix themselves a plate. I don't even heat the ham. If someone wants it heated, they stick their plate in the microwave for a few seconds, and voila! :tongue_smilie: