Jean in Newcastle Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Dd10 has started to treat me in public in a way that she would never try in private. It's the eye-roll and then a voice that says that I'm something akin to dog doo on her shoe. I don't want to embarrass her in front of friends or extended family, so I don't address it until later. But this gives her carte blanche to treat me badly because she counts on my courtesy towards her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvasMom Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Honestly, I would have NO problem embarrassing her in public for something like that (after a fair warning that it will happen next time). I wouldn't do anything humiliating on purpose but yes she would absolutely be told on the spot that that is unacceptable. I don't feel like not correcting a child is a courtesy to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dakarimom5 Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 My children get one warning once. And then I embarrass them if I need to. That usually only needs to happen once for them to realize you are in control. I understand you wanting to "save face" for them in public but they are making a choice to willingly be disobedient in public because they know you won't do anything right then. I usually whisper something like," I will not tolerate this kind of behavior any longer. Make a choice or I will make one for you." If they don't behave after this conversation, they reap what they sow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 "Excuse me, dd and I need to have a private conversation." Move to a private place and deal with her, then return to the function. Do this every time, no matter where you are and no matter what anybody else says. Don't delay until after the event. Act immediately. Keep your facial expression neutral on your way out so that onlookers can't be sure what you will do when you get dd alone. (I like to pretend as if I don't think anyone else heard my child, anyway. Least said, soonest mended.) Then, don't return with dd until you and she have pleasant and neutral facial expressions and you have her word that she will behave in a respectful manner. If she does it again at the same event, take her and leave the event with no drama and no explanation on your part. Just say to whomever you need to say it, "I'm sorry, dd and I have to go home now." I don't do parenting as performance art. Nobody ever sees me discipline or correct my children in public, for two reasons: 1. How I raise my children is nobody's business, and 2. I hate parent/child drama in public. That decision doesn't mean I'm a doormat or that they get away with poor behavior in public. It just means that any disrespectful child of mine will be promptly removed from the eye of the public and dealt with appropriately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 I would probably try interrupting whatever is going on to take her aside right then and address it. You would still not be scolding her in front of her friends, but it wouldn't give her free reign either. And if it embarrasses her a bit maybe she will think better of treating you that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Dd10 has started to treat me in public in a way that she would never try in private. It's the eye-roll and then a voice that says that I'm something akin to dog doo on her shoe. I don't want to embarrass her in front of friends or extended family, so I don't address it until later. But this gives her carte blanche to treat me badly because she counts on my courtesy towards her. Hoo baby, I don't tolerate that at all. It does not happen much, but when it does I call them on it immediately in front of anyone they choose to pull that kind of nonsense in front of. Then, when we are at home, I call them on it in private and let them know in no uncertain terms that is unacceptable behavior. I don't treat my husband like that, my friends like that, and I certainly don't treat them in that manner. It is NOT acceptable ever and I make sure they know it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 The first time, I will wait until we are home and private. The second, I will take them aside and "school" them discreetly. The third time, I will call them out then and there. (But I warn that on the first and 2nd attempts at being too smart for their pants!) Honestly, it is as rare as hen's teeth around here. I don't think I have ever made it to a third time. For whatever reason, God blessed me with publicly reasonable children. :: phew :: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 25, 2011 Author Share Posted December 25, 2011 OK - She's only done it twice (once tonight at the extended family Christmas party) and I think I was in shock. The shock is wearing off.:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 OK - She's only done it twice (once tonight at the extended family Christmas party) and I think I was in shock. The shock is wearing off.:glare: I bet it won't happen the same way again. ;) Don't put up with it and don't be nice about it. If they can't be nice to the family they need to spend more time with family and cut out other activities. Threatening works here. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Hoo baby, I don't tolerate that at all. It does not happen much, but when it does I call them on it immediately in front of anyone they choose to pull that kind of nonsense in front of. Then, when we are at home, I call them on it in private and let them know in no uncertain terms that is unacceptable behavior. I don't treat my husband like that, my friends like that, and I certainly don't treat them in that manner. It is NOT acceptable ever and I make sure they know it. Bingo. It's not even a mother-child issues as much as it is a person to person issue. I am teaching them how to treat other people, and that isn't acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Dd10 has started to treat me in public in a way that she would never try in private. It's the eye-roll and then a voice that says that I'm something akin to dog doo on her shoe. I don't want to embarrass her in front of friends or extended family, so I don't address it until later. But this gives her carte blanche to treat me badly because she counts on my courtesy towards her. I can't recall any of ours doing that in public--much more likely in private:glare:--but I just wanted to say that she has already embarrassed herself in public when she does that. She may not realize it but that kind of behavior will tend to lower others' assessment of her, certainly for adults, but even for many kids. So whatever you do (I know it would be reasonable) will not be what's creating the embarrassment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Jean, that's her freebie. After the holidays have a talk with her. Let her know why you didn't like what she did and how it wasn't appropriate. Inform her of how you will handle it next time. If it does happen again, do exactly what you told her you would do. She will be less likely to continue. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Oh, I'd embarrass her. Badly. And take her home or put her in time out. I'd tell her that if she was going to act like a bratty toddler, I'd very well treat her like one! The very last thing I'd worry about would be embarrassing her. She is embarrassing YOU, right? Just to imagine how bad it can get . . . My son recently came home from a boy scout event (packing bags for the food bank) telling me in shock how one (new to the troop, younger) boy was so rude to his mother. It was out of hand, calling her names, telling her to shut up . . . The mother just TOOK it! OMG, I was aghast. My son knew, and told the boy, that I would clobber him if he did anything remotely like that. He was so appalled, and I was proud of him, and so glad that he recognized how disrepectful the behavior was, and how completely unacceptable it was. Stand up for yourself. If you don't, who will? That said, if your dh is nearby, I would call on him (in private) to stand up for you. Dh & I have always done that for eachother, and it is VERY effective when one of us goes bananas on a kid for disrespecting the other. It is so much easier to strongly stand up for your spouse than to do it for yourself. It takes it out of the "Me VS Kid" thing that can sort of put you on the kid's level, and so it is easier to sort of speak from authority. When I catch a kid speaking disrespectfully to dh, I call them out VERY strongly, much moreso than I usually do for similar infractions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 "Excuse me, dd and I need to have a private conversation." Move to a private place and deal with her, then return to the function. Do this every time, no matter where you are and no matter what anybody else says. Don't delay until after the event. Act immediately. Keep your facial expression neutral on your way out so that onlookers can't be sure what you will do when you get dd alone. (I like to pretend as if I don't think anyone else heard my child, anyway. Least said, soonest mended.) Then, don't return with dd until you and she have pleasant and neutral facial expressions and you have her word that she will behave in a respectful manner. If she does it again at the same event, take her and leave the event with no drama and no explanation on your part. Just say to whomever you need to say it, "I'm sorry, dd and I have to go home now." I don't do parenting as performance art. Nobody ever sees me discipline or correct my children in public, for two reasons: 1. How I raise my children is nobody's business, and 2. I hate parent/child drama in public. That decision doesn't mean I'm a doormat or that they get away with poor behavior in public. It just means that any disrespectful child of mine will be promptly removed from the eye of the public and dealt with appropriately. This is awesome. If I had more time and patience, I'd do it this way every time. Nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 My kids would get ONE warning because they are kids. The next time it would be fair game to embarrass the socks off of them. I know a mom who has a daughtet who wad acting up in class. After a few parent- teacher conferences over it the mom surprised her daughter (13) at school dressed in curlers and a housecoat. She then shadowed her in class all day. She told her daughter if she was bad in school again it would be worse the next time. Never happened again! My dh tried to put me down once in public. Bevavior he never had at home. I got loud and said he apparently mistook me for a doormat and boy did he pick the wrong girl. Yes it was embarrassing but I refused to smoothe it over. Guess what - it never happened again. Despite his life-long deep inability to give gifts, we get along well and we treat each other respectfully in public. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 :grouphug: Parenting is sooooo hard. The only one of my children who will do this to me in public is my Aspie, so I have to do things a bit differently with him. He is also 14. At this point, since it has already happened, I would sit her down and gently but firmly tell her exactly what she did and how you will not tolerate that behavior again. I add in either scripture or how God expects us to act towards others (or authority.) If I add in the authority I always make sure they understand that I am not the end of the authority. All my life I have to act a certain way towards church leaders, my bossed (when I used to work), and ultimately to God. So, this will be a lifelong thing for them. I would also ask her to repeat back what she did wrong and ask for a sincere apology. THEN I would make sure she understands that my expectations and I might throw in a consequence if this ever happens again. Again, the above works well with my two children. My Aspie is quite remorseful when he realized he messed up, but that is no guarantee he will remember self control next time the situation arises! Sigh. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Honestly, I would have NO problem embarrassing her in public for something like that (after a fair warning that it will happen next time). I wouldn't do anything humiliating on purpose but yes she would absolutely be told on the spot that that is unacceptable. I don't feel like not correcting a child is a courtesy to them. :iagree: I tell my 13yo that if he embarrasses me then I will do the same and I have... Once... That is all it took. Now if he is even getting borderline disrespectful I give him The Look and it stops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Dd10 has started to treat me in public in a way that she would never try in private. It's the eye-roll and then a voice that says that I'm something akin to dog doo on her shoe. I don't want to embarrass her in front of friends or extended family, so I don't address it until later. But this gives her carte blanche to treat me badly because she counts on my courtesy towards her. Oh I would call her on it while out in public regardless of who is around! All actions have consequences. If she doesn't want to be embarrassed then she shouldn't embarrass me. I wouldn't go off in an angry tirade, but I would tell her that her words are hurting my feelings and I don't deserve to be treated that way especially since I don't treat her that way. And I would leave and go home, pulling her along with me, if at all possible. I don't think ignoring it in public is the best way to teach her. Once you are removed from the situation, she can apologize and promise to never do it again. Again, all actions have consquences whether good or bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 My children get one warning once. And then I embarrass them if I need to. That usually only needs to happen once for them to realize you are in control. I understand you wanting to "save face" for them in public but they are making a choice to willingly be disobedient in public because they know you won't do anything right then. I usually whisper something like," I will not tolerate this kind of behavior any longer. Make a choice or I will make one for you." If they don't behave after this conversation, they reap what they sow. :iagree: I don't do or say anything to my child I am ashamed of, and if I have to be clear in public, I am happy to do so. Luckily, I get a deeper, quieter voice when I'm serious, and I utilize "the finger", the index raised making a "one" motion. It is the physical version of "N.B." to us. If a kid is being rude at the mall, I actually think it benefits us parents/families for the other shoppers to hear a calm, caring, appropriate correction or apology. Other kids see it doesn't happen just to them, other parents see they can do it without the ceiling falling in. However, context is everything, and I'm not going to interrupt a speech or meeting, etc. to do so. Then I'd step out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Oh, there should be no mercy. You should be on her like white on rice, I don't care who else is around. In fact, I'm thinking it would be an object lesson for other children who are present, and other parents will be cheering on the inside. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 25, 2011 Author Share Posted December 25, 2011 However, context is everything, and I'm not going to interrupt a speech or meeting, etc. to do so. Then I'd step out. Well, that was the thing last night - all the cousins at the extended family Christmas put on a "program" and she was front and center. Oh well. We talked about it last night and she's been warned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 "Excuse me, dd and I need to have a private conversation." Move to a private place and deal with her, then return to the function. Do this every time, no matter where you are and no matter what anybody else says. Don't delay until after the event. Act immediately. Keep your facial expression neutral on your way out so that onlookers can't be sure what you will do when you get dd alone. (I like to pretend as if I don't think anyone else heard my child, anyway. Least said, soonest mended.) Then, don't return with dd until you and she have pleasant and neutral facial expressions and you have her word that she will behave in a respectful manner. If she does it again at the same event, take her and leave the event with no drama and no explanation on your part. Just say to whomever you need to say it, "I'm sorry, dd and I have to go home now." I don't do parenting as performance art. Nobody ever sees me discipline or correct my children in public, for two reasons: 1. How I raise my children is nobody's business, and 2. I hate parent/child drama in public. That decision doesn't mean I'm a doormat or that they get away with poor behavior in public. It just means that any disrespectful child of mine will be promptly removed from the eye of the public and dealt with appropriately. I think this is excellent advice. Since I was a junior high school teacher before I had kids, I have had a lot of practice not taking c*** from adolescents. I like this approach because it addresses the behavior immediately while simultaneously modeling discretion. Nice Job, Tibbie! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Speaking from experience, even little ones will take advantage of you letting them get away with it in public, if you wait until you are alone to address it. Deal w/ it front of everyone, and she won't be so quick to do it again! Now, they get "the look" if they get close to crossing the line, and I get an immediate apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Well, that was the thing last night - all the cousins at the extended family Christmas put on a "program" and she was front and center. Oh well. We talked about it last night and she's been warned. I like the Raising a Thinking Child for these discussions. My son wouldn't stop making bad faces during photo time 2 Christmasas ago. After a discussion, photos in hand, he saw a bunch of smiling, polite children and him immortalized with a stupid look on his face. He literally hung his head with shame. For nieces of this age I have quietly told them they may feel big and powerful doing such things, but that to others they seem immature and ugly. What young teen wants to be ugly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 ONCE it starts happening, I 'script' beforehand. If I mention consequences, I am certain to follow through. The important thing, and you know this b/c you are an intelligent woman, is to be consistent. And, I'm sorry this happened -- I daresay I cannot even remember how astounded I probably was the first time that one of the older dds did this to me -- when dd12 did it, I nipped it in the bud quite quickly. And I would have no problem saying to others: 'Excuse me while we have a private chat.' And I would leave the room/area/whatever with the tween/teen and address the issue -- calmly - as calmly as I was able. If I couldn't be calm, I would promise that we would be discussing this later. Stand your ground.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 This is a good point about the person thinking that it shows them as being in a position of power. It is very ugly when you have a grown up who thinks it is cute to mock others. I had to learn this the hard way as a new bride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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