How can I remedy this situation?

[HappyGrace]

Dh had a heart attack about five yrs ago, and now he subtly hangs it over our life as doom and gloom. Oh, I had such a day today, I'm getting cramps in my chest, etc. He is extremely negative anyway (depression-is on meds) which I am used to and love him unconditionally, but this is really causing me a lot of anxiety. I believe he actually feels these pains. He is under care of a cardiologist but otherwise doesn't pay much attention. I refuse to nag at him and be his mother about his health-I don't think it is right to do that. I cook very healthy meals and that is all I can do.

 

They have recently switched his meds and his chol has gone way up. I am really scared. It feels like at any moment he could die. Part of this is him telling me these things. He has no one else to talk to though. I don't think it is manipulation on his part, but his mom was very much like this and his dad died in his 40s of colon cancer and there was a lot of other death around him as a child.

 

I am literally lying awake at night, planning out how we'd survive if something happens to him (we would go under financially.) I don't know if this is the Lord preparing me for something imminent or what.

 

Basically I just pray and try to forget it but it is starting to consume my thoughts. I just get myself to where I am ok, saying I will live for the moment and the Lord will help me through it if something happens, etc-and then he says something else (just tonight he came home again and told me he had little cramps today-I asked him did he call the dr and he said no.) I know the Lord would not give me this fear. How can I support him w/out myself getting so anxious over it?

[bettyandbob]

Have you had a heart to heart talk and said

---it's not right to use your health to guilt the family

---dc are counting on you, only you can do the job of ensuring you can be around as long as possible for them. You owe them that.

[Jan in SC]

:grouphug: That has to be very stressful. I'm so sorry! (I don't really have any advice, though.)

[snickelfritz]

While some of your worry is probably falling into the anxiety area.....I would still come up with a real contingency plan in case something happens to your dh. Bad health or good, I think every married person should have some sort of plan. And I think it's even more critical for any non-money-earning spouse. Even if the plan isn't perfect and wouldn't account for all monetary needs, think through some options.

[curlygirlzx2]

My dh also had a heart attack almost 5 year ago at the age of 30. After his Angioplasty was performed, the cardiologist came out and told me he was going to have another heart attack and that it would be fatal. Gee thanks Dr.! My dh is on a lot of meds but has done nothing to lose weight which really worries me. He also has a high stress job and doesn't take part in any exercise. I have voiced my concern but there is only so much I can do. I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I'm going through something similar.

[bettyandbob]

While some of your worry is probably falling into the anxiety area.....I would still come up with a real contingency plan in case something happens to your dh. Bad health or good, I think every married person should have some sort of plan. And I think it's even more critical for any non-money-earning spouse. Even if the plan isn't perfect and wouldn't account for all monetary needs, think through some options.

 

A plan definitely.

1. Start a fund for get on your feet money. If your dh had a heart attack you probably can't get life insurance. So, you need your own fund.

2. Start figuring out what work you can or would like to do. Get up to date on licenses you have and keep them current. If a job/skill is not obvious look through your school system's, community center's, or community college's adult Ed and career prep offerings. Figure out what would be a best fit for you and start getting the training. When dh asks why you are taking a class at night be honest--you need a skill to help the family.

 

Do something. It will go along way to easing your anxiety.

[HappyGrace]

I have a job I could do, but I would need to put the kids into school (it is a good school). I would need to take the job in the next yr or so or the position will be filled.

 

It is a position that would be ok, but if I had to live on it would be pretty tough. Plus I can't see making this type of decision and putting the kids into school based on fear. Plus I absolutely LOVE to be home.

 

I'm not trained to do anything else and there would be no other positions like this one available. I'm already burned out (and prone to depression myself so I have to be careful), and I can't imagine taking classes on top of all I'm already doing!

 

He has not made any financial plans, etc., for us-head in the sand. I talked to him recently about a will and he just kind of brushed it off. When I start to think about all this, I put my head in the sand too because it totally overwhelms and depresses me. I guess I'd have to sell the house. I think I will do a spinoff thread about doing an online will-we can't afford one drawn up by an attorney.

 

Thank you all for responding-it is somehow comforting to know I'm not the only one, and that people understand how tough it is. I pray for the best for all of us in this situation!

Edited December 19, 2011 by HappyGrace

[JennifersLost]

Try reading "Loving What Is," by Byron Katie - a great book for people who are worrying about other people and their behavior and actions.

 

The truth is that your dh did have a heart attack, he is reacting to it the way he is reacting to it, and he could die (as could we all, at any moment).

 

In order to reach your peace, you have to own that you can't change him or your present circumstances - they are what they are.

 

You can change your reactions to it. For example, if he's sad you can choose not to be sad.

 

If he won't talk about money, you can choose to confront the money situation yourself.

 

I'm not saying this is easy; I'm saying that you can make those choices.

 

Byron Katie will walk you through dealing with your reactions and fears every step of the process of this taking ownership of your life. You will feel instant relief knowing that you are pointed on the path to your own power to handle whatever comes next.

 

Ultimately, the truth is you ARE handling what's happening now, and you CAN handle whatever the future brings. Make a choice today to start acting and stop re-acting. I wish someone had handed me this book twenty years ago.

[Carol in Cal.]

One little baby step you could take that might be pretty easy is for him to sign up for whatever life insurance he can get through his employer without a medical exam. Lots of employers will give you some that way as an employee benefit, and often this is pretty inexpensive.

 

There is a great book called "Undoing Depression" that you might like to read and to share with him. It is about avoiding the habits of thought that speech that can lead to depresssion or deepen depression if it's already starting.

[Catwoman]

He has not made any financial plans, etc., for us-head in the sand.

 

I hate to sound harsh, but your dh is being extremely irresponsible about this. If he has a condition that he believes could eventually kill him, he should try to do something to make sure his family will be OK if something actually happens to him.

 

I know it sounds mean of me to say it, but I speak from experience. My dh is considerably older than I am, and has always been concerned that one day he might die and leave ds and I alone. As such, he has been very diligent about financial planning and saving money.

 

If your husband has his head in the sand, it's time for him to step up to the plate and deal with the possibilities (especially because he is the one hanging his health problems over your heads,) and it's also time for you to stop waiting for him to get his act together and do it yourself if necessary.

 

I know I sound like a horrible, greedy person, but I hate to see anyone in financial ruin after the death of a spouse, and the best way to avoid that problem is to be as prepared as possible. You may not be able to save enough to support you and your dc forever, but you need a fairly substantial cushion to get you through the grieving process and to give you some time to find a job or start a business, or whatever else you plan to do for money.

 

Hopefully, nothing at all will happen and your dh will live a long and healthy life -- but you need to plan for the future anyway, so a good financial strategy will help both of you in the long run.

[HappyGrace]

I was just on the Nolo site recommended by someone in the spinoff thread and told dh I found this great site for writing your own wills and I'd like to do this and he kind of just laughed it off and said "I'm not going anywhere." and "All you think of is yourself." I am definitely going to be in the position of having to take care of this myself. I won't be bitter about it; it is what it is. This is just the way he deals with things-by ignoring it. I don't mean that in a negative way-he is just very "mind over matter" about things-say it won't happen and that will make it so.

 

We do have a (very) small amount of life insurance through his work.

 

Jennifer'sLost-I will look at that book; it sounds very helpful, thanks! I think I have already become very much this way (the way you describe he talks about in the book) in my thinking in the last ten years-it has saved my sanity.

Edited December 20, 2011 by HappyGrace

[cathmom]

It is a position that would be ok, but if I had to live on it would be pretty tough. Plus I can't see making this type of decision and putting the kids into school based on fear. Plus I absolutely LOVE to be home.

 

 

Have you taken into account the Social Security your dc would get, and you as the surviving spouse caring for minor dc? Look on your dh's last statement from SS - the amount should be there.

[In the Rain]

No advice, just :grouphug:.

[Catwoman]

I was just on the Nolo site recommended by someone in the spinoff thread and told dh I found this great site for writing your own wills and I'd like to do this and he kind of just laughed it off and said "I'm not going anywhere." and "All you think of is yourself."

 

Did you respond by saying, "Well gosh, honey, someone has to think of me and the kids, and apparently it's not going to be you." :glare:

 

And if he says he's not going anywhere, tell him that seeing as how he's sure he's not actually dying and all, maybe he should quit whining and worrying about being sick so much, because it's getting on your nerves.

 

Can you see that I don't have a whole lot of patience for this sort of thing? ;):D

 

I'm sure he's a good guy, but he might feel less depressed and pessimistic if he became more focused on the needs of his family and less focused on his own perceived medical problems. (I'm not saying he doesn't have legitimate issues, but that the more he feels sorry for himself, the worse he will feel physically, too.)

[HappyGrace]

Thank you, Cat, for saying my unsaid thoughts. I am just trying to squelch it because I seriously don't want to be bitter. Like I said, it is what it is and I can't change it.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug:

Is he getting chest pains? If so he should be re-evaluated again. Also, I would ask the doctor if it is ok for him to take several grams a day of fish oil, aspirin, resverotrol, pomegrante juice, and vitamin D3. I would also consider less refined carbs and more fruits, vegetables, olive oil, and proteins. Also, a second opinion on his meds and treatment from another cardiologist could not hurt especially from a world class center for cardiology like John Hopkins if he is able. US News and World Report ranks hospitals by specialties.

 

The American Heart Association should have the latest guidelines online for coronary artery disease as well. Plus Medscape.com and WebMD.com are reliable for info. I like drweil.com for some reliable info on alternatives in conjunction with traditional medicines.

[Dobela]

Depression seems to be common in heart patients. I would also recommend he see a counselor so he can talk thru his fears and issues. Sometimes the best help comes from outside the family.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Has he been evaluated for sleep apnea? Sleep apea can wreck havoc on the the cardiovascular system:( One can be skinny or a non-snorer and have sleep apea. The have nasal pillows as well as a multitude of masks to make treatment of sleep apena with CPAP more palatable.

 

Also, I would want to ask doctor about his blood pressure control. BP less than 120/80 is usually desirable.

[tex-mex]

I kinda see where your dh is coming from...

 

My mom died of a rare genetic liver disease when she was 52. My son went into a coma (he almost died) due to the same genetic disease back in 2004. I had a niece die of the same disease at 2 weeks old back in 1992. And here I am at age 45 trying not panic (I also have the rare genetic disease) now that I am getting close to 52 like my mom. It can be depressing.

 

You cannot fix your dh. He has to choose how to deal with it.

 

But you can empower yourself.

 

My hubby has to deal with the burden of 2 chronically ill people (son and wife) in his family. If we went into the hospital, it is catastrophic. We set up a POA, living trust, and special needs trust for our son. You cannot simply worry and pretend to stick your head in the sand over these serious health matters. What can you do right now?

 

- Get a simple will (I recommend a Living Trust/POA) drawn out.

- Get your affairs in order. Put them in a safe place so people can find it and get insurance, funeral costs, and debts taken care of.

- Talk to your dh. What does he prefer if he was on life support? Funeral? Kids growing up and getting married without him?

- Take a community college (or online) course to get a certificate in MS Excel, accounting, or some plan for you to be hired if things go downhill. You can earn a quick certificate for secretarial work, doctor's office, or computers (but that is more difficult) in a year's time. And you may have to put the kids back in public school. It happens. It is not the end of the world. You can do this.

[tex-mex]

 

Hopefully, nothing at all will happen and your dh will live a long and healthy life -- but you need to plan for the future anyway, so a good financial strategy will help both of you in the long run.

:iagree:

The OP's dh may also be a hypochondriac as well?

 

If he is being that selfish or mean about the family's needs... then they need to see a therapist or Pastor who can tell him how foolish he is for not having a will or backup plan for the family.

[black_midori]

My friend had me read a book earlier this year about going Vegan in an attempt to stave off heart problems. I am not going to do it myself, for various reasons, but her Mom had recently started after having a heart attack and was much improved. I forget the name, but you might consider googling it...

[HappyGrace]

Thanks for all the support. It means so much to me. I have fish oil in the fridge and many other helps available if he should want to use them. I have read all the alternative helps and I'm very very into nutrition. Also I have encouraged him to get tested for the sleep apnea and he doesn't want to (he does wear a device that helps his jaw to go forward so he doesn't snore.)

 

I think I remember reading that depression can cause you to actually feel physical symptoms as if they are real. I don't know what it is. He had a nuclear stress test the other day and had some pains during it and they said they didn't see anything on the picture at that time. So I think now he is brushing it off when he feels that.

 

I don't think he is consciously being mean or selfish; I think it is a massive denial issue. He will never discuss these issues-I have tried so many times. I think I will just have to prepare as much as I can and leave it at that. After the holidays I will have to sit down and make a list. Like I said though, with my own tendency toward depression, this whole thing overwhelms me and I just don't want to think about it either, so I can see where he's coming from and I don't blame it on him (although it is upsetting to me); I think it is just his depression, etc.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Thanks for all the support. It means so much to me. I have fish oil in the fridge and many other helps available if he should want to use them. I have read all the alternative helps and I'm very very into nutrition. Also I have encouraged him to get tested for the sleep apnea and he doesn't want to (he does wear a device that helps his jaw to go forward so he doesn't snore.)

 

I think I remember reading that depression can cause you to actually feel physical symptoms as if they are real. I don't know what it is. He had a nuclear stress test the other day and had some pains during it and they said they didn't see anything on the picture at that time. So I think now he is brushing it off when he feels that.

 

I don't think he is consciously being mean or selfish; I think it is a massive denial issue. He will never discuss these issues-I have tried so many times. I think I will just have to prepare as much as I can and leave it at that. After the holidays I will have to sit down and make a list. Like I said though, with my own tendency toward depression, this whole thing overwhelms me and I just don't want to think about it either, so I can see where he's coming from and I don't blame it on him (although it is upsetting to me); I think it is just his depression, etc.

 

Nuclear stress tests can have false negative results. My father's test was normal and he had severe, diffuse disease that required open heart surgery. His cardiologist said that in this case, a stress test would show up as normal even with severe coronary artery disease. Therefore, if he is still having problems, I would pursue the matter further since he may need a repeat cardiac catheterization which is the gold standard for diagnosing heart disease.

 

As a nurse, I was taught that chest pain is not to be ignored. Of course, other things besides heart disease can cause chest pain such as rib pain, anxiety, and pleuritic pain.

 

On the positive side, having had a heart attack or heart disease does not always mean being sentenced to a horrible condition with a bleak outlook to say the least. Many people go on to lead long lives afterwards with proper treatment. My great aunt was told she had to retire when she was 50 due to a bum heart which included some heart failure and the need for a pacemaker and irregular heart rhythm of atrial fibrillation. She lived a vibrant and very energetic life till she was 94:)

Edited December 20, 2011 by priscilla
sorry for my typos:)

[HappyGrace]

Thank you, Priscilla-I will try to talk to him again tomorrow about calling the doc but he is not hearing me.

 

The info about your aunt was encouraging, thanks! :)

[Catwoman]

I don't think he is consciously being mean or selfish; I think it is a massive denial issue. He will never discuss these issues-I have tried so many times. I think I will just have to prepare as much as I can and leave it at that. After the holidays I will have to sit down and make a list. Like I said though, with my own tendency toward depression, this whole thing overwhelms me and I just don't want to think about it either, so I can see where he's coming from and I don't blame it on him (although it is upsetting to me); I think it is just his depression, etc.

 

It must be very difficult for you to maintain a positive outlook when your dh is constantly complaining or feeling sorry for himself. Of course you feel overwhelmed -- who wouldn't? Planning for the future is something you should be doing together, not something that should be on one person's shoulders. And when you add to it the fact that he makes little comments that make it seem as though he feels you're only thinking of yourself if you plan ahead, it must be so hard not to feel sad, angry, depressed, overwhelmed and guilty.

 

I know that health problems can scare the wits out of the strongest, toughest person, and that it's hard to face your own mortality, but I also think that when your family's future is at stake, you have to suck it up and deal with the idea that you may not be around forever and that you need to be prepared for the worst (while praying it doesn't come to that.) I think that, in the long run, your dh would be greatly relieved to know that you and the kids will be provided for if something happened to him. Is it possible that he isn't knowledgeable about how to prepare for the future, and that he is feeling as overwhelmed as you are?

 

Please don't feel guilty for feeling resentful. It sounds like you are bending over backward to help your dh, and it's terribly frustrating when you can't get him to cheer up and enjoy his life.

 

I hope your dh is able to deal with his depression so he doesn't drag you down with him. It's hard to keep smiling and trying to cheer someone up when it never seems to work. Perhaps he needs different medication, or maybe another of his medications (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc) could have depression listed as a side effect.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Catherine]

I admire your strength and practicality. I think others have said wise words. You can't change him and it's frustrating and pointless to try. In the long run, you'll be better off to just work to solve your own problems. DEFINITELY makes plans for a means to support your family alone if necessary. It's going to be difficult but it will do wonders for your peace of mind.

 

When my dh called from the hospital ED in another state to tell me he was having a heart attack (at age 45) I had an immediate, guilty thought-thank goodness I did not quit my job. I work part time, but I could support us if it became necessary and that gives me HUGE peace of mind. He's absolutely fine, five years on, but our denial of mortality has been permanently punctured. Though I continue to fantasize about how much easier my life would be if I did not work (I work half time), I have new purpose and motivation.

 

Living with someone like your dh has its challenges, but separate yourself from his decision-making as much as you can. It is NOT your job to make him take care of himself, think ahead, etc. Do what you can to protect yourself and your kids. It sounds harsh, but it's reality. ((hugs))

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Also I have encouraged him to get tested for the sleep apnea and he doesn't want to (he does wear a device that helps his jaw to go forward so he doesn't snore.)

 

Sleep apnea can cause heart problems, weight gain (or inability to lose), depression, brain fog, etc. Sleep apnea is a really big deal, but not many people take it that seriously.

 

Can you *make* him go for a sleep study?

 

Either he goes for medical evaluations (like a sleep study, maybe another visit to the cardiologist) or he has to start discussing how you'll care for the kids when he dies. Obviously planning for the worst needs to be done anyway, but maybe he'll work on getting healthy while you decide where to start planning.

[angela in ohio]

Here's a secret: I sometimes think of dh like a child and think of what approach would work with one of my dc. In this case, if he was a child, my first thought would be that he needs more attention and he is seeking it the only way he can. Can you give him more attention for other things than his health? Praise any time he does have a good evening or do something positive? The next thing (after I had been doing that for a bit) is that I would call his bluff each time. If he started complaining of chest pains, I would start putting my shoes on to take him to the hospital. He's either having chest pains and needs to be seen by a doctor, or he is milking it for attention. That will tell you.

 

Meanwhile, I would go to your auto/home insurance agent and ask about health insurance. Even if you don't buy it from them, you will find out what you need and the basics. As someone else said, you might be suprised what SS and his employer will provide. I know for us, just those two things exceed dh's current income (until dc leave home.)

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:grouphug:

[HappyGrace]

This morning I went through the thread (and a great PM someone sent-thank you ;)) and made an action list for myself for preparation. I only put five items on it so far so I don't get overwhelmed.

 

Angela, I love your idea of shoes on, ready to go to ER. Also more positive attention in other areas. I think I just need to be more matter-of-fact about the whole thing and not be drawn into it emotionally.

 

I can't thank everyone enough for their support and suggestions-it is really helping me emotionally, and also to see that I'm not wrong to want to prepare.

[Nakia]

I hate to sound harsh, but your dh is being extremely irresponsible about this. If he has a condition that he believes could eventually kill him, he should try to do something to make sure his family will be OK if something actually happens to him.

 

I know it sounds mean of me to say it, but I speak from experience. My dh is considerably older than I am, and has always been concerned that one day he might die and leave ds and I alone. As such, he has been very diligent about financial planning and saving money.

 

If your husband has his head in the sand, it's time for him to step up to the plate and deal with the possibilities (especially because he is the one hanging his health problems over your heads,) and it's also time for you to stop waiting for him to get his act together and do it yourself if necessary.

 

I know I sound like a horrible, greedy person, but I hate to see anyone in financial ruin after the death of a spouse, and the best way to avoid that problem is to be as prepared as possible. You may not be able to save enough to support you and your dc forever, but you need a fairly substantial cushion to get you through the grieving process and to give you some time to find a job or start a business, or whatever else you plan to do for money.

 

Hopefully, nothing at all will happen and your dh will live a long and healthy life -- but you need to plan for the future anyway, so a good financial strategy will help both of you in the long run.

 

:iagree: I don't have much tolerance for this kind of thing.

[gardenmom5]

(just tonight he came home again and told me he had little cramps today-I asked him did he call the dr and he said no.) I know the Lord would not give me this fear. How can I support him w/out myself getting so anxious over it?

 

:grouphug: I would then ask him why he is telling me all this? I would ask does he want me to call his dr or does he just want to complain? (re: I'd ask him bluntly what he plans on doing about it.) I would also tell him, that if he just wants to complain, he needs to find another outlet. Or every time he complains, pick up the phone, right then, and make an appointment with his dr.

 

 

is he being treated for depression with behavior modificaiton therapy, or just drugs? Has his thyroid ever been checked? it can affect both depression AND cholesterol levels. (make sure the T3 is checked.)

[Unicorn.]

I was just on the Nolo site recommended by someone in the spinoff thread and told dh I found this great site for writing your own wills and I'd like to do this and he kind of just laughed it off and said "I'm not going anywhere." and "All you think of is yourself." QUOTE]

 

If he says this, then reply w/ "First of all I'm thinking of our children, not myself, and secondly, if you are having chest pains as much as you say you are, and you don't go to the doctor and get them checked, then there is a very real possibility that you could be going somewhere. So one of us needs to think about the future."

 

:grouphug:

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Sleep apnea can cause heart problems, weight gain (or inability to lose), depression, brain fog, etc. Sleep apnea is a really big deal, but not many people take it that seriously.

 

Can you *make* him go for a sleep study?

 

Either he goes for medical evaluations (like a sleep study, maybe another visit to the cardiologist) or he has to start discussing how you'll care for the kids when he dies. Obviously planning for the worst needs to be done anyway, but maybe he'll work on getting healthy while you decide where to start planning.

 

:iagree::grouphug: Sleep apnea is a huge deal. I should have had a sleep apnea test years and did not. I wish I had not waited so long since it has made a huge difference. They can possibly diagnose sleep apnea at home if he is truly resistant to going with a special CPAP machine. It would be better for him to be tested in a sleep study center though.

[Laurie4b]

So sorry that you are going through this. I'd like to address the health issues and your dh's anxiety issues since the thread has mostly been about finances.

 

I am married to a diabetic, so I hear you about not being your spouse's mother nagging on health issues. But there is a difference between being a mother/nag inappropriately and fighting (in the nice sense of the word) for the needs of you and your family. Right now, your dh is being irresponsible and selfish. You may or may not be able to do something about that, but I don't think it's wrong to try. Married men are much more likely to get medical care than unmarried men for a reason: because their wives use their influence to get it to happen. (Again, you may not be able to do this with your dh, but it is not wrong, nor is it the same as nagging)

 

I would suggest talking with him as often as it takes using this format When you _____tell me you have chest cramps but won't call the dr (or whatever it is --fill in the blank), I feel ______ (insert emotion: scared, anxious, angry..) because _______ (insert reason for the feeling) I love you and want you to be here but I am not in control of whether or not you get health care or because I feel like you don't love us enough to take care of your health________ .

 

I assume since your dh won't call the dr that he is anxious about the pain and calling the doctor is a hump to get over because it might mean the pain is really connected to his heart. I hate to pick up the phone to make an appointment. I've sometimes asked dh to do it for me when I know I really need to and am putting it off. You might try asking him if it would help if you made the phone call, went with him, etc. You could also ask him to do it for your sake. "I know you don't think it's anything, but I get anxious about the chest cramps. Would you be willing to see your doc and I could go with you and I'd take the blame if it's silly?"

 

Could you talk with your pastor about the situation?

[Catwoman]

The next thing (after I had been doing that for a bit) is that I would call his bluff each time. If he started complaining of chest pains, I would start putting my shoes on to take him to the hospital. He's either having chest pains and needs to be seen by a doctor, or he is milking it for attention. That will tell you.

 

 

That is pure genius. I love it! :001_smile:

[Catwoman]

This morning I went through the thread (and a great PM someone sent-thank you ;)) and made an action list for myself for preparation. I only put five items on it so far so I don't get overwhelmed.

 

Angela, I love your idea of shoes on, ready to go to ER. Also more positive attention in other areas. I think I just need to be more matter-of-fact about the whole thing and not be drawn into it emotionally.

 

I can't thank everyone enough for their support and suggestions-it is really helping me emotionally, and also to see that I'm not wrong to want to prepare.

 

I love the "shoes on" thing, too. It shows that you care... yet calls his bluff. And there's no waiting around debating about whether or not to get a doctor's appointment. Heaven knows there's no time for that when he's having chest pains again. :tongue_smilie: Get those shoes on and go warm up the car. Unless he wants you to call 911... and be sure to offer to do just that.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by being matter-of-fact about things. Don't let your dh suck you in to his depression and pessimism, and don't let him make you feel guilty about wanting to be prepared for the future. If he says you're being selfish, turn it right back on him, because his self-centeredness is what is forcing you to do this on your own.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[HappyGrace]

 

I would suggest talking with him as often as it takes using this format When you _____tell me you have chest cramps but won't call the dr (or whatever it is --fill in the blank), I feel ______ (insert emotion: scared, anxious, angry..) because _______ (insert reason for the feeling) I love you and want you to be here but I am not in control of whether or not you get health care or because I feel like you don't love us enough to take care of your health________ .

 

We have had this discussion several times to no avail.

 

I'm at the point where this has been affecting me so much that I have no choice but to just not worry about it, and be matter of fact, and meanwhile work on my "action list". I love him so much and will continue to support him in positive ways, but I don't want all this worry to send me into a depression because that won't help anyone.

[Catwoman]

We have had this discussion several times to no avail.

 

I'm at the point where this has been affecting me so much that I have no choice but to just not worry about it, and be matter of fact, and meanwhile work on my "action list". I love him so much and will continue to support him in positive ways, but I don't want all this worry to send me into a depression because that won't help anyone.

 

You're doing everything right. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

By taking matters into your own hands, you're gaining control over the situation which will help you stay positive and help you to stop worrying, waking up in the middle of the night, waking up in the morning with a sense of doom, or whatever else you're feeling -- and everything you're doing will also benefit your entire family in the long run, including your dh.

 

You're not doing anything to feel badly about, and eventually your dh will realize that. You're doing your best to be a great wife, and realistically, part of that job description is that you're taking care of your family when your dh isn't quite up to the task. Hopefully, he'll be able to deal with his depression and will be able to work with you on planning for the future, but if not, you're actually taking a big stress off his mind by handling things on your own.

[Laurie4b]

We have had this discussion several times to no avail.

 

I'm at the point where this has been affecting me so much that I have no choice but to just not worry about it, and be matter of fact, and meanwhile work on my "action list". I love him so much and will continue to support him in positive ways, but I don't want all this worry to send me into a depression because that won't help anyone.

 

So sorry. :grouphug: i would be furious with him by now if that was the case. You're a better woman than I.

[HappyGrace]

i would be furious with him by now if that was the case. You're a better woman than I.

 

Not really. I just spent all my furious on other even bigger issues over the years.:tongue_smilie:

 

And that got me nowhere either-lol. So now I just zip it.

 

But thanks :)

[EmilyK]

You've had other, better advice here, but I think you are wise not to think you can change him. I've gotten so much happier since giving up thinking I can change other people. Although as someone else pointed out, it is always fair to use "I" messages, and it can help the feeling that you are having to swallow your anxiety. ("I feel panicked when you won't see the doctor about your symptoms, because I'm worried about life without you, especially for the kids.")

 

Is there any chance he wants you to go back to work or shoulder more of the financial responsibility? That's a long shot, based only on my husband and the "all you think of is yourself" comment. Not saying he should feel that way, but I know that weighed hugely on my husband.

 

My only advice is could you think medium-term about your own financial security. That doesn't mean taking that job tomorrow, but it means evaluating all decisions over the next few years with that factor strongly in mind -- whether you move to a location with more jobs, take courses, have some of the kids enter school, whether you add more dependents to the family, etc. Sometimes it helps me feel less panicky if I have a 5 year plan -- even written down -- and test everything that way.

 

I'm not disagreeing that he's wrong, just trying to focus on other aspects.

[HappyGrace]

Emily-he is thankfully very supportive about me staying home.

 

I really love your idea about thinking "medium-term" and the 5 yr plan. It made me realize I've been thinking all or nothing, and that in itself is anxiety-inducing. I'm going to really ponder things that way and see what I come up with.

 

Thanks! :)