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14 yo girl, wwyd?


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Dd came to breakfast this morning looking like she literally rolled out of bed. She was dressed in sweats, which we allow, but her hair was wild. Not in a style, just wild. She knew we had a few people coming over. I asked her to please pull her hair up a little better since x was on her way over. She left the room and came back looking the same or worse. I again sent her out and again she came back with the same results. This time I said, "Please, pull up your hair correctly or I will be glad to do it for you." She looked at me and said, "Well, it looks better than yours."

 

Okay, she did have a point. I was helping dd8 make play dough for Christmas. About 1 minute before the last conversation I ran to the bathroom to yank it back quickly. After I helped dd8 with the current batch, I was going to run upstairs to fix it better. The previous two times my hair was down and fine, but, honestly, that is beside the point! She had no right to be so disrespectful. Most of the time she is very helpful and polite. She is growing into her own and a precious young lady. Where did this come from? How should I handle this?

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Well, *I* would just say something like this:

 

"We're not discussing MY hair, DD. What you just said is disrespectful. It is not your job to instruct me, but MY job to instruct YOU, and you know that. Now either go fix your hair to look reasonable, or do not come back down to breakfast. And if you are disrespectful again today, the consequence will be _____ (fill in the blank with whatever is appropriate in your family.)"

 

And then, follow through. I would say the above in a very matter-of-fact tone.

 

At least, you know, in a perfect world that's how it'd go. :tongue_smilie: That's how I aim to handle it every time one of my kids decides to get a little big for his britches, IYKWIM.

 

I'm not sayin' it always goes that well, or that I've never gotten snarky in return. But, you know, I'm human, just like them. That's why I try to extend grace by clearly spelling out the consequences if it were to happen AGAIN today.

 

Of course, there are always those times when the don't just poke a toe over the line of disrespectful, but take a huge flying leap over it. Then, they get no warning of 'next time'. They get a consequence right then. But, IMO, this situation with your dd does not qualify as one of those times.

 

HTH.

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If she wants to be seen with her hair a mess, whose business is it except hers. At 14, no one is going to think that you dress her anymore, the way she dresses is no longer a reflection on you. Specific situations may call for specific dress (or stay home and don't attend) but honestly, at 14, she ought to have more leeway than that. If she normally behaves reasonably politely, I would think that I had needled and annoyed her into that remark, and that it wouldn't have occured if I hadn't started it. My dd, now 16, would have responded similarly with that provocation.

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If she wants to be seen with her hair a mess, whose business is it except hers. At 14, no one is going to think that you dress her anymore, the way she dresses is no longer a reflection on you. Specific situations may call for specific dress (or stay home and don't attend) but honestly, at 14, she ought to have more leeway than that. If she normally behaves reasonably politely, I would think that I had needled and annoyed her into that remark, and that it wouldn't have occured if I hadn't started it. My dd, now 16, would have responded similarly with that provocation.

 

Matter if opinion, but I disagree.

 

Basic hygiene, of which brushed hair is a part of, is a requirement in my home.

 

I wouldn't have cared much how she did her hair, but not doing it is not a reasonable option.

 

It's not about how it does or does not make me look.

 

It's about habit formation and expectations and basic manners.

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If she wants to be seen with her hair a mess, whose business is it except hers. At 14, no one is going to think that you dress her anymore, the way she dresses is no longer a reflection on you. Specific situations may call for specific dress (or stay home and don't attend) but honestly, at 14, she ought to have more leeway than that. If she normally behaves reasonably politely, I would think that I had needled and annoyed her into that remark, and that it wouldn't have occured if I hadn't started it. My dd, now 16, would have responded similarly with that provocation.

I have to disagree with the bolded. Sadly, yes, the way a minor child dresses does reflect on the parents and the child's upbringing. I don't like it. I try desperately not to judge others. But many many people do judge the appearance of the child in relation to the parent.

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Dd came to breakfast this morning looking like she literally rolled out of bed. She was dressed in sweats, which we allow, but her hair was wild. Not in a style, just wild. She knew we had a few people coming over. I asked her to please pull her hair up a little better since x was on her way over. She left the room and came back looking the same or worse. I again sent her out and again she came back with the same results. This time I said, "Please, pull up your hair correctly or I will be glad to do it for you." She looked at me and said, "Well, it looks better than yours."

 

Okay, she did have a point. I was helping dd8 make play dough for Christmas. About 1 minute before the last conversation I ran to the bathroom to yank it back quickly. After I helped dd8 with the current batch, I was going to run upstairs to fix it better. The previous two times my hair was down and fine, but, honestly, that is beside the point! She had no right to be so disrespectful. Most of the time she is very helpful and polite. She is growing into her own and a precious young lady. Where did this come from? How should I handle this?

I would have to address the rudeness, and dole out some kind of consequence for it. Rudeness disturbed the peacefulness of the household and is not something I want in my house.

 

I would also have to address the personal attack. Tearing someone down is not something I'd be comfortable having my child do.

 

The fact is (even at 14) she disobeyed a direct request from a parent. There are about 4 more years before she can do that without consequence.

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I would not have criticized my 14 y/o's appearance (unless she would have been filthy). I would have reminded her we are expecting company and asked her if she wanted to do her hair differently.

But I don't expect them to show up styled for breakfast of all things.

 

This said, my kids are free to choose how they want to wear their hair - it is their appearance, not mine. I only insist on being clean. I prefer to pick my battles - and hair is not a hill I am prepared to die on.

 

ETA: Yes, her comment about my hair would have made me angry, too - but from her POW that's the same thing you did to her, so I can see how teenager would feel equally mad.

Edited by regentrude
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I think what's missing here is the tone of voice both of you used in this conversation. If you had said your part sweetly - kind of like, "Hon, would you please go fix your hair? Remember _________ is coming over in just a few minutes. It would make me feel better if you were a little neater in your appearance," then I would consider her response rude. I would not consider you just asking her a few times to go fix her hair as provocation for anything.

 

Otoh, if you had seemed annoyed and irritated from the start as if she should have known better to come to breakfast like that in the first place, then I might consider your tone to have been somewhat of a provocation. She may not have remembered first thing upon rising that visitors were coming.

 

I know when folks are coming to visit at my house I go into a "let's get things done and fast!" kind of mode. I have been known to bark out orders with little consideration for feelings because I'm just trying to finish up the last touches on something (like straightening a mess or getting myself dressed and ready, etc.) and can sound short and insensitive. Perhaps first thing in the morning your dd just wasn't prepared to meet with that kind of tone and expectation. She may be the type that needs to ease into her day (I usually am) and again, she may have felt provoked.

 

That's not to say she's allowed to be rude, but I would certainly take my tone and demeanor into consideration before I brought down the hammer. This time I might pull her aside later and say, "I'm sorry if I sounded demanding this morning - I was a bit stressed knowing __________ was about to arrive. In the future, though, if I ask you to do something would you please just trust that I have your best interests at heart and do it right away?" I would also instruct her, as Bethany proposed, on how it is not her responsibility to tell me what to do, but it is mine to tell her. Comes with the territory of being her parent.

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I would not have criticized my 14 y/o's appearance (unless she would have been filthy). I would have reminded her we are expecting company and asked her if she wanted to do her hair differently.

But I don't expect them to show up styled for breakfast of all things.

 

This said, my kids are free to choose how they want to wear their hair - it is their appearance, not mine. I only insist on being clean.

 

ETA: Yes, her comment about my hair would have made me angry, too - but from her POW that's the same thing you did to her, so I can see how teenager would feel equally mad.

 

:iagree: But ds and I have curly hair so morning hair tends to linger. I would have had to remind him to brush his teeth, so I would have mentioned the hair in the same statement. Please make sure you brush, hair and teeth.

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I would have told her that hurt my feelings and that I had every intention of fixing my hair before our company arrived. You were busy at the moment with another child, she had no such excuse. So then I would have said that we would both go up and fix our hair at the same time. If she still doesn't fix it, take her picture, print it out and post it on the refrigerator. That will be quite a memory and will make a lovely funny story to retell years from now when she has no memory of being that way. :tongue_smilie:

 

But fwiw, I have an Aspie son who doesn't understand the need for such hygienic preparations. Still, I make my point by not allowing him to go out with me if he has dirty looking hair. He took a shower on his own this morning because he knows I'm going to Game Stop and he wanted to be able to go with me. I'm thrilled that he did this on his own initiative. He might be learning something finally!

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I appreciate the responses. In this case, I am pretty sure my requests were gentle and kind. Even though someone is coming, we had the cleaning finished last night. There was no hurry up and clean this morning. Although I have btdt in the past.:tongue_smilie:

 

In my opinion, only the last request was made in a firm voice. Not cranky, just more firm than the other two.

 

I agree somewhat about her choice of how she wears her hair. On the other hand it was her response to my request that is what I am concerned about. The responses being not fixing the hair the first two times and the disrespectfulness the third time. Two things are not allowed in our home. One is lying, the other is defiance. I saw this as defiance. Would you agree?

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I would have told her that hurt my feelings and that I had every intention of fixing my hair before our company arrived. You were busy at the moment with another child, she had no such excuse. So then I would have said that we would both go up and fix our hair at the same time. If she still doesn't fix it, take her picture, print it out and post it on the refrigerator. That will be quite a memory and will make a lovely funny story to retell years from now when she has no memory of being that way. :tongue_smilie:

 

But fwiw, I have an Aspie son who doesn't understand the need for such hygienic preparations. Still, I make my point by not allowing him to go out with me if he has dirty looking hair. He took a shower on his own this morning because he knows I'm going to Game Stop and he wanted to be able to go with me. I'm thrilled that he did this on his own initiative. He might be learning something finally!

 

This is brilliant. I might do this if she does this again.

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I appreciate the responses. In this case, I am pretty sure my requests were gentle and kind. Even though someone is coming, we had the cleaning finished last night. There was no hurry up and clean this morning. Although I have btdt in the past.:tongue_smilie:

 

In my opinion, only the last request was made in a firm voice. Not cranky, just more firm than the other two.

 

I agree somewhat about her choice of how she wears her hair. On the other hand it was her response to my request that is what I am concerned about. The responses being not fixing the hair the first two times and the disrespectfulness the third time. Two things are not allowed in our home. One is lying, the other is defiance. I saw this as defiance. Would you agree?

 

Well, you were there and if you saw it as defiance then it probably was - especially if you were otherwise in a calm mood, having done the clean-up the night before. If I'm edgy then I'm more likely to jump to false conclusions about my children's behavior and not give them the benefit of the doubt, but it doesn't sound like you felt particularly harried at the time. In that case, you probably evaluated it correctly.

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I appreciate the responses. In this case, I am pretty sure my requests were gentle and kind. Even though someone is coming, we had the cleaning finished last night. There was no hurry up and clean this morning. Although I have btdt in the past.:tongue_smilie:

 

In my opinion, only the last request was made in a firm voice. Not cranky, just more firm than the other two.

 

I agree somewhat about her choice of how she wears her hair. On the other hand it was her response to my request that is what I am concerned about. The responses being not fixing the hair the first two times and the disrespectfulness the third time. Two things are not allowed in our home. One is lying, the other is defiance. I saw this as defiance. Would you agree?

I think if you are this upset about it, then yes it probably was defiance.

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Well, *I* would just say something like this:

 

"We're not discussing MY hair, DD. What you just said is disrespectful. It is not your job to instruct me, but MY job to instruct YOU, and you know that. Now either go fix your hair to look reasonable, or do not come back down to breakfast. And if you are disrespectful again today, the consequence will be _____ (fill in the blank with whatever is appropriate in your family.)"

 

And then, follow through. I would say the above in a very matter-of-fact tone.

 

At least, you know, in a perfect world that's how it'd go. :tongue_smilie: That's how I aim to handle it every time one of my kids decides to get a little big for his britches, IYKWIM.

 

I'm not sayin' it always goes that well, or that I've never gotten snarky in return. But, you know, I'm human, just like them. That's why I try to extend grace by clearly spelling out the consequences if it were to happen AGAIN today.

 

Of course, there are always those times when the don't just poke a toe over the line of disrespectful, but take a huge flying leap over it. Then, they get no warning of 'next time'. They get a consequence right then. But, IMO, this situation with your dd does not qualify as one of those times.

 

HTH.

 

This.

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I would have ignored her first comment about my hair. My dd is usually so pleasant and agreeable that I can let occasional grumpiness, rudeness, whatever you'd like to call it, slide. I don't take it personally; I would assume that she must be stressed about the company, or overtired, etc.

 

I agree somewhat about her choice of how she wears her hair. On the other hand it was her response to my request that is what I am concerned about. The responses being not fixing the hair the first two times and the disrespectfulness the third time. Two things are not allowed in our home. One is lying, the other is defiance. I saw this as defiance. Would you agree?

 

I don't agree. I didn't believe you gave her a choice. I have found that fighting a big battle over something small in the scheme of life (you said she's usually pleasant) will only serve to harm your relationship. If it were my dd, I'd just have dropped it.

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I would keep it short, direct, to the point...

 

First, if she had just woken up, I have learned never to make demands on anyone, especially a teen when they've just arisen, let them get breakfast, have some good "love you, good mornings, good tidings etc." going on to help them wake up...I may actually apologize for that being the first thing I said to her and given her a hug.

 

Then, I would say, "get some breakfast, please do your best on this next attempt"....

 

Sometimes we set the tone by trying to put them on our agenda first...let them have a good start to the day.

 

As far as her dress...no I do not believe that a 14 year old can do whatever they like, sorry, but my children will not have body piercings and experiment with colored hair (although I did have an Oompa Loompa one Halloween)...while they're in my house they will dress respectfully..thank goodness, somehow my kids desire strongly to dress respectfully..now my one son may wear the same shirt for 3 days in a row, but as long as no dirt is on it...I'm good. I have picked out swimsuits/tops etc. but my daughters will nix them for showing too much...I'm more "if you bend over and they can't see cleavage we're good...they do not want to have to bend over to check, they want to be assured it's covering them....the hard part now is trying to find clothes like that!!

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If she wants to be seen with her hair a mess, whose business is it except hers. At 14, no one is going to think that you dress her anymore, the way she dresses is no longer a reflection on you. Specific situations may call for specific dress (or stay home and don't attend) but honestly, at 14, she ought to have more leeway than that. If she normally behaves reasonably politely, I would think that I had needled and annoyed her into that remark, and that it wouldn't have occured if I hadn't started it. My dd, now 16, would have responded similarly with that provocation.

 

:iagree:

 

I have to disagree with the bolded. Sadly, yes, the way a minor child dresses does reflect on the parents and the child's upbringing. I don't like it. I try desperately not to judge others. But many many people do judge the appearance of the child in relation to the parent.

 

It isn't the teen or parent's problem if some one else judges them.

 

I would not have criticized my 14 y/o's appearance (unless she would have been filthy). I would have reminded her we are expecting company and asked her if she wanted to do her hair differently.

But I don't expect them to show up styled for breakfast of all things.

 

This said, my kids are free to choose how they want to wear their hair - it is their appearance, not mine. I only insist on being clean. I prefer to pick my battles - and hair is not a hill I am prepared to die on.

 

ETA: Yes, her comment about my hair would have made me angry, too - but from her POW that's the same thing you did to her, so I can see how teenager would feel equally mad.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

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I would have told her that hurt my feelings and that I had every intention of fixing my hair before our company arrived. You were busy at the moment with another child, she had no such excuse. So then I would have said that we would both go up and fix our hair at the same time. If she still doesn't fix it, take her picture, print it out and post it on the refrigerator. That will be quite a memory and will make a lovely funny story to retell years from now when she has no memory of being that way. :tongue_smilie:

 

I would say something like this, too.

Honestly, though, it would probably come out in an aggravated voice:

"We're not talking about MY hair. We're talking about YOUR hair. And you were rude. I'm doing X right now and my plan was to fix my hair as soon as I was done. You wait right there for me and then we'll go fix our hair TOGETHER."

(I'd also do the photo thing! :lol:)

 

I have a 12 y.o. boy who is in a very rude stage right now. Sigh! Interrupting. Rude. Over and over. And it's not like he's never been corrected, warned, instructed, or disciplined. I'm hoping it's a stage.

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OK, on a good day, here's how I'd handle it:

 

Dd came to breakfast this morning looking like she literally rolled out of bed. She was dressed in sweats, which we allow, but her hair was wild. Not in a style, just wild. She knew we had a few people coming over. I asked her to please pull her hair up a little better since x was on her way over.

 

Here I would have said, "So-and-so is coming over soon, you might want to fix your hair a bit before they get here."

 

She left the room and came back looking the same or worse.

 

Here I would have said something like, "Hmm, it's not looking ideal, is it? Are you feeling OK?"

 

I again sent her out and again she came back with the same results.

 

Here I would have said something like, "Wow, your morning is not going too well, are you SURE you're ok?" And perhaps a few inquiries about how well she slept and what she'd had to eat so far and if she had a tummy ache and such. ETA: Not in a snarky way, but with genuine concern.

 

This time I said, "Please, pull up your hair correctly or I will be glad to do it for you." She looked at me and said, "Well, it looks better than yours."

 

Here I would have said something low-key, with a smile, like, "Yeah, I'm not ready yet either. I just pulled it back quickly. I'm going to fix it better when I'm done making this play dough. Do you want me to help you with yours, or do you want to just leave it be?"

 

Okay, she did have a point. I was helping dd8 make play dough for Christmas. About 1 minute before the last conversation I ran to the bathroom to yank it back quickly. After I helped dd8 with the current batch, I was going to run upstairs to fix it better. The previous two times my hair was down and fine, but, honestly, that is beside the point! She had no right to be so disrespectful. Most of the time she is very helpful and polite. She is growing into her own and a precious young lady. Where did this come from? How should I handle this?

 

I try not to engage or escalate, but rather to get at the root of the issue. Often this kind of behavior isn't about whatever the initial trigger is; it's about something they're worried about, or an impending illness, etc. I see sass as a symptom (a very minor version of the medical assessment "altered mental status"), the cause of which needs to be diagnosed. Discussing the sass itself can come after the underlying problems have been addressed (sleep, illness, stress, worrying about an aspect of the day, etc.). Everyone has difficult days, and what they need is loving acceptance that they are not perfect, and that's OK. They need to know that if something is not going well for them, that I am someone they can count on to help.

 

As a parent of teens and young adults, I want to be part of the solution to the bad day, not part of the problem.

 

Also, this time of year it's so easy to get into the "LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN CREATE FABULOUS FAMILY TOGETHERNESS" mood. When I find myself thinking this way, I do try to take a step back and focus on the people where they're at rather than the stuff/holiday/etc.

Edited by askPauline
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OK, on a good day, here's how I'd handle it:

 

 

 

Here I would have said, "So-and-so is coming over soon, you might want to fix your hair a bit before they get here."

 

 

 

Here I would have said something like, "Hmm, it's not looking ideal, is it? Are you feeling OK?"

 

 

 

Here I would have said something like, "Wow, your morning is not going too well, are you SURE you're ok?" And perhaps a few inquiries about how well she slept and what she'd had to eat so far and if she had a tummy ache and such. ETA: Not in a snarky way, but with genuine concern.

 

 

 

Here I would have said something low-key, with a smile, like, "Yeah, I'm not ready yet either. I just pulled it back quickly. I'm going to fix it better when I'm done making this play dough. Do you want me to help you with yours, or do you want to just leave it be?"

 

 

 

I try not to engage or escalate, but rather to get at the root of the issue. Often this kind of behavior isn't about whatever the initial trigger is; it's about something they're worried about, or an impending illness, etc. I see sass as a symptom (a very minor version of the medical assessment "altered mental status"), the cause of which needs to be diagnosed. Discussing the sass itself can come after the underlying problems have been addressed (sleep, illness, stress, worrying about an aspect of the day, etc.). Everyone has difficult days, and what they need is loving acceptance that they are not perfect, and that's OK. They need to know that if something is not going well for them, that I am someone they can count on to help.

 

As a parent of teens and young adults, I want to be part of the solution to the bad day, not part of the problem.

 

Also, this time of year it's so easy to get into the "LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN CREATE FABULOUS FAMILY TOGETHERNESS" mood. When I find myself thinking this way, I do try to take a step back and focus on the people where they're at rather than the stuff/holiday/etc.

 

:iagree:

Brilliant post.

 

It is so hard not to escalate. When you choose to escalate little things, you are left with few options when the really hard stuff hits. I know, respect is basic, not a little thing. But still--this is a great post.

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I always wonder if people who say they let there young teens choose how they want to look have ever had issue with it. You know it's easy to say it's up to them but who teaches a young teen what clothing is reasonable in a particular situation . Have you really left your kids with unbrushed teeth (mine would sneak that one), hair on end and those clothes that really need to be in the wash or really don't match, when company comes? Young teens need encouragement.

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I always wonder if people who say they let there young teens choose how they want to look have ever had issue with it. You know it's easy to say it's up to them but who teaches a young teen what clothing is reasonable in a particular situation . Have you really left your kids with unbrushed teeth (mine would sneak that one), hair on end and those clothes that really need to be in the wash or really don't match, when company comes? Young teens need encouragement.

 

Yes, it has been an issue in our house. The unbrushed teeth is dealt with. The hair and clothing I often let him chose. The hair was partially not his fault. He has coarse semi-curly hair and needed a haircut badly. We had to wait until dh got paid. Now that it's shorter, his choice, it's easier to care for.

 

The clothes? He has very distinct preferences in what he will wear. I do make him put on long pants when we leave the house and the outfit must go together. Mostly all of his clothes go together anyway. If we were entertaining formally, I'd ask that he put on a collared shirt polo, not just a t-shirt. But we rarely entertain formally. Company is usually family or friends and they take us as we are, kwim.

 

I grew up in the 80s when so much fashion was tied to a label, a certain designer or logo. In my school it absolutely made a difference in whether you were "accepted" or not. I'm glad he doesn't feel that certain clothes are a necessity in his life. As long as they are not wrinkled (he's learned to hang up shirts)or stained (neat kid, never gets a stain on anything) and fit the weather, I'm fine with whatever he chooses to wear. I'd rather spend my time helping him clothe a good attitude.

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"You seem to be in a bad mood this morning. Why don't you go hang out in your room for a little while and come back out when you are feeling better."

 

This is how I usually handle a general bad attitude.

 

OK, on a good day, here's how I'd handle it:

 

Here I would have said, "So-and-so is coming over soon, you might want to fix your hair a bit before they get here."

 

Here I would have said something like, "Hmm, it's not looking ideal, is it? Are you feeling OK?"

 

Here I would have said something like, "Wow, your morning is not going too well, are you SURE you're ok?" And perhaps a few inquiries about how well she slept and what she'd had to eat so far and if she had a tummy ache and such. ETA: Not in a snarky way, but with genuine concern.

 

Here I would have said something low-key, with a smile, like, "Yeah, I'm not ready yet either. I just pulled it back quickly. I'm going to fix it better when I'm done making this play dough. Do you want me to help you with yours, or do you want to just leave it be?"

 

I try not to engage or escalate, but rather to get at the root of the issue. Often this kind of behavior isn't about whatever the initial trigger is; it's about something they're worried about, or an impending illness, etc. I see sass as a symptom (a very minor version of the medical assessment "altered mental status"), the cause of which needs to be diagnosed. Discussing the sass itself can come after the underlying problems have been addressed (sleep, illness, stress, worrying about an aspect of the day, etc.). Everyone has difficult days, and what they need is loving acceptance that they are not perfect, and that's OK. They need to know that if something is not going well for them, that I am someone they can count on to help.

 

As a parent of teens and young adults, I want to be part of the solution to the bad day, not part of the problem.

 

Also, this time of year it's so easy to get into the "LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN CREATE FABULOUS FAMILY TOGETHERNESS" mood. When I find myself thinking this way, I do try to take a step back and focus on the people where they're at rather than the stuff/holiday/etc.

 

This is how I try to relate to my oldest. She usually is very sweet and polite so when she's a little snot, there's usually an underlying reason. Either she's over-tired, over-whelmed, hormonal, worried, whatever. Making an issue of it will just make things worse. If she is totally over the line rude and nasty, I will send her to calm down and then address it when she's not so on-edge. She'll be 18 soon and it's worked very well for us.

 

I always wonder if people who say they let there young teens choose how they want to look have ever had issue with it. You know it's easy to say it's up to them but who teaches a young teen what clothing is reasonable in a particular situation . Have you really left your kids with unbrushed teeth (mine would sneak that one), hair on end and those clothes that really need to be in the wash or really don't match, when company comes? Young teens need encouragement.

 

I only worry about basic cleanliness and don't worry about matching or neatness most of the time. The exception is when we are going out somewhere and then telling the kids that we can't go until they are clean with teeth brushed is enough for now. My younger guys are still very young though. My oldest is concerned enough with her own style that I never really had to push with her, although I understand it could be different with boys.

 

I don't know. I still doubt I would get to upset about it. I would use the years from toddler to teen teaching them what's appropriate to wear in specific situations and to brush their teeth and hair, wash up every day. Then a calm reminder about what's expected will hopefully be enough but unless it's a special occasion, I still wouldn't worry about it. But, I'm a pretty casual person and have been known to run out to the store in sweats and a ball cap to cover my hair.:tongue_smilie:

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I understand being upset about her defiance and being rude when speaking to you, but I guess I just don't understand why it was an issue in the first place. Why does it matter if a 14 y/o girl doesn't do her hair before breakfast? If I was going to breakfast in someone else's home I would expect them to be in sweats and have messy hair.

 

Waiting until later in the morning to get dressed, do hair, brush teeth, etc. is not indicative of poor hygiene, IMO.

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I would have not gotten to the rude part (and, don't get me wrong, my teens have called me out similarly on occassion) because I don't micro manage my teens' dress, hygiene, style, or hair.

 

Joanne, the mom who allows her youngest to wear primarily pajama pants this winter - all the time. Hey, they were cheaper and more fun than regular pants.

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First, she is 14 so she is going to cop an attitude at times, because she is testing to see how far she can go...dont take it personal. I have to remind myself (and Dh) sometimes about my 15 and 13 year olds. That being said, in my house...while I understand there is going to be attitude at times, they do not get away with it.

 

Rules for our family

~The number one rule in our house is: Do what you are told, without grumbling. Period.

~If you have a question about what you were told to do...you may ask us (in a respectful manner) AFTER you have done what you were told first. If at any time the attitude becomes disrespectful-the conversation is over. Period.

 

So, in my house the comment about my hair, would have received a look which indicated that her life was going to get really difficult if she did not go make herself presentable. Now. I may have even asked her if she was crazy...but that is how I am LOL.

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I probably would have suggested she brush her hair - simply as a reminder as we have guests coming over. I don't like defiance - but as I would have phrased it as a suggestion rather than a demand- she would have been open to do it or not. I think we should save orders for the big stuff with teens - these are people who are going to be adults in a few short years, now is the time to let them make some minor decisions.

 

I do not for one minute care if people might judge her or me for messy hair. Teens sometimes make interesting choices - hair is so minor - and parents cannot and should not control a teens appearance beyond anything extreme.

Edited by kathymuggle
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