Thank you card from MIL

[GoVanGogh]

Background:

We have been married and lived 600+ miles from family for 20+ years.

This year I talked my DH into inviting his mother down for Christmas and we would pay for her airplane ticket as her gift. DH really didn't want to because her visits tend to be unpleasant, but finally decided to make the offer. MIL accepted, but wanted to come down before Christmas.

So MIL was here last week.

 

Today, DH got a thank you card in the mail.

 

DH says his mom was just being "old school," but I think she was being rude to me. (MIL and I do NOT have a good relationship, so I know I tend to take everything personally.)

 

Envelope -- Addressed to DH.

Thank you note -- Addressed to DH.

P.S. note about the check -- Addressed to DH.

Check "for everything you did" -- Made out to DH.

 

Was she being "old school" by addressing only DH? Or was she being rude?

I get that she would make the check out to my DH. But I found it rude that she didn't mention my name on the thank you card when I was the one that was put out the most by her visit and did the most work for her visit. :tongue_smilie:

[bookfiend]

You choose how you want to view her note.

 

If you view it charitably, no harm done.

 

If you view it as rude, it will be just one more thing to pile onto the reasons you "don't get along." IMO, it needlessly adds to bitterness.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

While I agree that you can choose your response to her note, I do think it's rude that she didn't include you. Seems passive-aggressive.

[WishboneDawn]

You choose how you want to view her note.

 

If you view it charitably, no harm done.

 

If you view it as rude, it will be just one more thing to pile onto the reasons you "don't get along." IMO, it needlessly adds to bitterness.

 

:iagree:

 

It's only a little over a week until Xmas. Why bother wondering if it's rude right now?

 

Also, life is short and then you die.:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

While I agree that you can choose your response to her note, I do think it's rude that she didn't include you. Seems passive-aggressive.

 

:iagree:

 

My mil used to cook/bake and bring goodies to the home for dh and the kids.:001_huh: She was always nasty to me. I finally learned not to care and never allowed her to ruffle my feathers. She was miserable and fought with everyone. I have a sister just like her. I pity them and move on. Their antics no longer register in any way at all for me.:001_smile:

[Jennifer3141]

While I agree that you can choose your response to her note, I do think it's rude that she didn't include you. Seems passive-aggressive.

 

That's comeplety passive aggressive. Send her a thank you note for the check and address it to the FIL. :lol::lol::lol:

 

Or just roll your eyes and chalk it up to a crappy MIL. It doesn't sound like your DH much cares for her either so IMO, you win!

[Mommyof4ks]

IDK, my ILs only address things to my dh, and all checks are made out to him, and so on. I guess it just does not bother me. Come to think of it my parents do the same thing to me, and my parents get along great with dh. We have been married 13 years, so I don't know the reason.

[Denisemomof4]

That's comeplety passive aggressive. Send her a thank you note for the check and address it to the FIL. :lol::lol::lol:

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: I like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

but I don't recommend it.;)

[DawnM]

My MIL does the same thing ALL THE TIME. She even got mad at me for "touching" a check written out to DH that HE told me to put in the bank for him. :glare:

 

We have a joint account! No matter who puts the $$ in, it is in the same account.

 

Sheesh.

 

Dawn

[MinivanMom]

That's comeplety passive aggressive. Send her a thank you note for the check and address it to the FIL.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I love this!!! Be the bigger person and ignore her.

[lllll]

..

Edited December 24, 2012 by ksva

[EKS]

Old school would be addressing it to Mr. and Mrs. [husband's name]. She was being rude.

[LaxMom]

I don't consider it necessarily rude to address an envelope to one of you, but the thanks should have included your hospitality, whether it was a note to your husband or not.

 

If it makes you feel better, MY mother addresses things to me as Angela Husband's Last Name. I kept my maiden name. She knows I kept my name. She just thinks Angela Husband's Last Name is a cute name. :001_huh:

[Myeightkiddies]

It was definitely passive-aggressive. She intended to be rude but didn't have the courage to do anything more.

 

No matter how you handle this, I want to encourage you to tell yourself to stop being affected by things she does. Try to find freedom in letting it go. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't confront it. Just don't let it bother you when it happens again. Laugh it off if you need to. While it is personally directed at you, try not to take it personally - as this is her problem with who she is and how she wants to live, not yours.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[EKS]

 

If it makes you feel better, MY mother addresses things to me as Angela Husband's Last Name. I kept my maiden name. She knows I kept my name.

 

My mother does this too!

[annandatje]

You choose how you want to view her note.

 

If you view it charitably, no harm done.

 

If you view it as rude, it will be just one more thing to pile onto the reasons you "don't get along." IMO, it needlessly adds to bitterness.

 

:iagree:

[Alte Veste Academy]

Old school would be addressing it to Mr. and Mrs. [husband's name]. She was being rude.

 

:iagree:

[Nakia]

Yeah, she was rude. Be the bigger person and the next time you talk to her, mention the nice card she sent your family... :D

 

:D :iagree:

[lmrich]

I guess that is the last time you insist your dh invite his mother for Christmas.

 

No doubt, that was rude and was purposeful. Yet another lesson in what not to do when you become the MIL. I am gathering a lot of info on this board about that topic.

[Danestress]

Perhaps she wanted to thank each of you individually. One can always dream:)

 

My twins frequently get birthday cards from the same people on different days. My Aunt in Ohio, I am pretty sure, sends them both a card in the same days mail, but one will come the day before the other.

 

So give it a day or two before you decide to be annoyed. And by then, you probably will have forgotten about it anyway.

[GoVanGogh]

Thanks you so much for the input. I feel better after getting it off my chest.

 

I probably wouldn't be so put out by it, but I was the one that lobbied to have her visit. She hasn't been here in more than five years and hardly knows her only grandson. (DH and I are from the same hometown and visit every year, but she doesn't try to get to know DS during that time. Ex: She will invite us over, but keep the television turned on loud while we are there so no one can carry a conversation.)

 

I really don't "get" this whole MIL/DIL thing, after all this time.

 

1.) She snoops constantly. If I call her on it, she shrugs and says my DH's brother doesn't mind her snooping at his place. Well, he is a 50-year-old bachelor. She has no business snooping in my datebook, through my dresser drawers, etc. This visit, she went through the gift bags under the Christmas tree - didn't even try to hide what she was doing. (She then told me I had bought too many presents for DS and needed to put half of them up for next year.)

 

2.) She takes things from us that she deems "hers." Ex: I walk in the house with the mail and she takes it out of my hands. I take it back and lightly say, "Oh, I haven't had a chance to go through my mail yet." Later, I find her holding a coupon out of the mail. I say, "Oh, that coupon is in my name. I don't think it is transferable, plus I plan on using it." She says, "Well, I need it." Well, it is my coupon. In my name. Mailed to my house. Why would she think she has a right to it?

She has also taken photos out of our photo albums before, when she could easily ask for her own copy.

 

3.) She says that she is upset at me that I don't call and ask her for advice. This one really gets me. Does anyone really call their MIL and ask for advice if they have their own family they would call first? And my MIL's unsolicited advice? When we were struggling trying to tube-feed our premature son, she told me it would be cheaper to buy canned milk and add corn syrup to it. This was in the 21st century, not 1960 when she did it with her own children. We had a 'special needs' child who needed multiple surgeries within the first few years of his life. If I needed any advice, I was calling the medical specialists.

 

She has actually never addressed a card to me, so it doesn't surprise me she didn't this one. I'm not bitter. I just don't understand her... It doesn't matter, really, as DH says she isn't welcome back in our home again after how she acted when she was here.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Thanks you so much for the input. I feel better after getting it off my chest.

 

I probably wouldn't be so put out by it, but I was the one that lobbied to have her visit. She hasn't been here in more than five years and hardly knows her only grandson. (DH and I are from the same hometown and visit every year, but she doesn't try to get to know DS during that time. Ex: She will invite us over, but keep the television turned on loud while we are there so no one can carry a conversation.)

 

I really don't "get" this whole MIL/DIL thing, after all this time.

 

1.) She snoops constantly. If I call her on it, she shrugs and says my DH's brother doesn't mind her snooping at his place. Well, he is a 50-year-old bachelor. She has no business snooping in my datebook, through my dresser drawers, etc. This visit, she went through the gift bags under the Christmas tree - didn't even try to hide what she was doing. (She then told me I had bought too many presents for DS and needed to put half of them up for next year.)

 

2.) She takes things from us that she deems "hers." Ex: I walk in the house with the mail and she takes it out of my hands. I take it back and lightly say, "Oh, I haven't had a chance to go through my mail yet." Later, I find her holding a coupon out of the mail. I say, "Oh, that coupon is in my name. I don't think it is transferable, plus I plan on using it." She says, "Well, I need it." Well, it is my coupon. In my name. Mailed to my house. Why would she think she has a right to it?

She has also taken photos out of our photo albums before, when she could easily ask for her own copy.

 

3.) She says that she is upset at me that I don't call and ask her for advice. This one really gets me. Does anyone really call their MIL and ask for advice if they have their own family they would call first? And my MIL's unsolicited advice? When we were struggling trying to tube-feed our premature son, she told me it would be cheaper to buy canned milk and add corn syrup to it. This was in the 21st century, not 1960 when she did it with her own children. We had a 'special needs' child who needed multiple surgeries within the first few years of his life. If I needed any advice, I was calling the medical specialists.

 

She has actually never addressed a card to me, so it doesn't surprise me she didn't this one. I'm not bitter. I just don't understand her... It doesn't matter, really, as DH says she isn't welcome back in our home again after how she acted when she was here.

 

:ohmy: You have much worse problems than how the thank you was addressed! :grouphug:

 

And #1 and #2 would be enough to make sure #3 would never change. :D

[zaichiki]

While I agree that you can choose your response to her note, I do think it's rude that she didn't include you. Seems passive-aggressive.

 

:iagree:

[TravelingChris]

I think you should take your husband's ideas on his family more seriously. But I gather you learned your lesson. There was a good reason your dh didn't want to invite her and I am thinking you won't want to invite her anymore either. Yes, she was rude but much more appaling rude was her behavior while she was at your house. This is a woman who knows no boundaries. I would continue with not asking for her advice.

[sassenach]

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just being old fashioned.

[kalanamak]

Background:

We have been married and lived 600+ miles from family for 20+ years.

This year I talked my DH into inviting his mother down for Christmas and we would pay for her airplane ticket as her gift. DH really didn't want to because her visits tend to be unpleasant, but finally decided to make the offer. MIL accepted, but wanted to come down before Christmas.

So MIL was here last week.

 

Today, DH got a thank you card in the mail.

 

DH says his mom was just being "old school," but I think she was being rude to me. (MIL and I do NOT have a good relationship, so I know I tend to take everything personally.)

 

Envelope -- Addressed to DH.

Thank you note -- Addressed to DH.

P.S. note about the check -- Addressed to DH.

Check "for everything you did" -- Made out to DH.

 

Was she being "old school" by addressing only DH? Or was she being rude?

I get that she would make the check out to my DH. But I found it rude that she didn't mention my name on the thank you card when I was the one that was put out the most by her visit and did the most work for her visit. :tongue_smilie:

 

My mother was old school, and this is not old school, unless you are going back so many centuries women were just men's chattel. This is rude.

 

That said, I'd get a very sweet card and write back to her saying she was most welcome and you so enjoyed her visit. In my mother's old school world, she wrote such notes, and signed it Love from Joe and Matilda, but you knew it was her handwriting.

 

"Rise above it", as my old school mum would say. :)

[GoVanGogh]

I think you should take your husband's ideas on his family more seriously. But I gather you learned your lesson. There was a good reason your dh didn't want to invite her and I am thinking you won't want to invite her anymore either. Yes, she was rude but much more appaling rude was her behavior while she was at your house. This is a woman who knows no boundaries.

I know. Lesson learned.

DH moved away when he was 18 - 30 years ago - and never looked back. He talks about his childhood with such sadness. I guess I was just hopeful that maybe she had changed and DH and DS could have a relationship with her. My in-laws just got divorced 12 years ago and my FIL has changed so much since then. My DH has a relationship with him for the first time ever. But his mom hasn't changed.

 

The issues I have with my MIL are actually not why DH said she was never welcome here again. His reason: She came out so strongly against homeschooling. (We have always homeschooled - more than five years now, so not new.) She would.not.let.it.go. One night, she followed me into the master bedroom, then on into the master bathroom, telling me how wrong I was for homeschooling. That was the point DH decided she was no longer welcome here. We had both told her repeatedly that it wasn't up for debate or discussion. She still wouldn't drop it.

[GoVanGogh]

That said, I'd get a very sweet card and write back to her saying she was most welcome and you so enjoyed her visit. In my mother's old school world, she wrote such notes, and signed it Love from Joe and Matilda, but you knew it was her handwriting.

 

I'm actually thinking about doing that.

"Thank you so much for visiting. We had a wonderful time. Thanks also for the check. I spent it on a relaxing massage at the spa." :lol:

[kalanamak]

I spent it on a relaxing massage at the spa." :lol:

 

If she's unhip enough, this will sound like "male prostitute" to her. :lol:

[mommaduck]

Yeah, she was rude. Be the bigger person and the next time you talk to her, mention the nice card she sent your family... :D

This! Don't respond negatively. It will only be used against you.

[Catwoman]

That's completely passive aggressive. Send her a thank you note for the check and address it to the FIL. :lol::lol::lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

And start the note with, "To Whom It May Concern."