I have a question for those that follow traditional dating customs.

[snickelfritz]

By traditional dating, I just mean what I grew up with. :). Not courting.

 

We don't know exactly what rules we will have. Group dates. Guy hangs around with family. Date at 16. We'll probably do a combo of those.

 

My question is about verbiage with little kids. We don't tease dd (8) about having boyfriends. When she talks about friends liking certain boys, we also (try) not to shut the conversation down by saying she's too young to think about that. We want her to talk to us and if the kids are discussing it.... They will discuss it with us or without us. And I do remember people "having boyfriends" in the third grade, so I don't think this is new. It just meant they might pass notes, but that was about it.

 

So, we want a "line" to use that says she can tell us anything, but she won't be calling boys or dating for a long time. Long, long, long time. Something that encourages her to be friends with them and play soccer with them, but also gets across that she is too young for the drama with boyfriends.

 

The temptation has been to just say "You're too young for that" and end the conversation. That's not what we want.

[jennsmile]

Maybe talk about season of her life. There is a season to have good guy friends, and a season to date to get to know what kind of guy she would like to someday marry, and a season to really look for that special someone.

 

Our boys won't date till they are 16 and then it will be group dating, and we are really encouraging them from getting serious with any one girl till they are ready to marry hopefully after their missions (21 or older.)

 

And for me group dating is to go have fun maybe hold hands but not kiss or anything, just a chance to do an activity with a group of kids the same age and see how they all interact and learn what we liked or didn't like about the other ones.

[snickelfritz]

We have said that many people wait until after college to get married.

 

However, I married at 19 as a Sophomore in college. We both finished college and are still married. So, no cautionary tale material here. :lol: It's odd. It worked for us, but my instinct is to warn her away from that path. I guess I know many it didn't work for.

[Doran5]

I tell mine that, first off you can't have a boyfriend/girlfriend til you can date. And you can't date until you can drive and have a job to pay for said date(for my ds's). Boyfriends MUST meet parents and both brothers before going on date.

We were not exactly the picture perfect teens/young adults, but we want our children to hopefully avoid some of the mistakes that we made. We are Christian so I point out that God has already decided the person we will spend our life with. He uses this time to teach patience and that we can have many friends of the opposite sex, but dating is reserved for when you are ready to start looking for that person that is meant to be your spouse.

Maybe a little old fashioned, but I really wish that we could have more of the values that our Grandparents had.

[jennsmile]

I got married at 19 too. My parents weren't thrilled but it works. We have been married 12 years. They really encouraged college and were disappointed I didn't serve a mission for our church but I met my dream guy.:001_wub: And that was that. What was so funny is my niece got married at the same age (actually 6 months older) and my MIL fussed that her granddaughter was too young and her fiancee too old, and I kept reminding her that I was younger and her son much older than my niece's fiancee.:lol:

[Doran5]

I was 21, but we lived together when I was 19. So.......I see me being called a HUGE hypocrite when the time comes

[fairfarmhand]

I was 21, but we lived together when I was 19. So.......I see me being called a HUGE hypocrite when the time comes

this is when you say, Sweetie I made things way more difficult for myself than I want for you. I wish my parents had......

 

Since I have grown and matured I can see the mistakes I made. I want you to learn from my mistakes.

 

I made my share of huge mistakes and do feel like a hypocrite too.

 

Pregnant at 17, married at 18, but still married 15 years later. It was VERY HARD!

[happyhomemaker]

We have talked to both of our kids about the purpose of dating. You date to find someone you want to marry. If you aren't ready to start looking for someone to marry, then it doesn't make sense for you to start dating. We have also talked about how you dont have to marry the first person you date or anything (we're not into courtship either- not that there's anything wrong with that ;)). That simple explanation seemed to make sense to them and they both seem comfortable having friends of the opposite sex.

[vonfirmath]

Even as young as 8, my parents were already talking to us about marriage and what it meant. And dating and what it meant.

 

Our rule, down through time, was we were not allowed to date anyone we were not prepared to marry. We could have fun times with boys, etc. But if it was dating, we needed to be looking at them as possible marital material. if at any point we no longer considered the person marital material, we needed to break the dating relationship off. Since 8 year olds don't get married, dating was not an option. period. Somehow we just got this without them having to say it.

 

This also, at least for me, cut off a lot of the foolishness of "falling in love" with a guy you know nothing about (on the Movie screen, etc)

[goldberry]

My DD also started having "crushes" really early (to me, anyway!) around third grade.

 

I told her that it is normal as you grow to start liking boys, noticing that they are attractive, etc. That as she grows, those feelings will get even stronger as her hormones change, etc. That it is ok and normal to feel that way, and ok to talk to me about it. But that those feelings come sometimes quite awhile before we are ready to DO anything about them or act on those feelings.

 

We talk about our view of dating and relationships, that the purpose of those things is to find a marriage mate, so it's not really appropriate to be playing around with someone's feelings until you are ready for those things in your life.

 

So these feelings are ok and normal, but now is the time to learn from them (about what she does and doesn't like in a boy) and also about herself (how she reacts to those feelings). But not time to act upon them.

 

So far it's working. She will be 13 in a month and she still talks to me all the time about her "crushes", but says she knows that's not really love and not anything serious.

[6packofun]

LOL Sounds to me like you're already too involved to be heading towards "traditional dating". Same with most of the posts in this thread, which I find funny! :lol:

 

My parents sure never said anything about maybe waiting to date and not expecting commitment from a 14 or 15yo boy child, much less that dating should be with the intent of finding a spouse rather than a casual social arrangement that is basically a peer-driven status that makes you feel like it's OK to do more physical stuff with the guy than you would as friends. LOL

 

So, I'm not sure on terms here. :)

Edited December 15, 2011 by 6packofun
...

[snickelfritz]

LOL Sounds to me like you're already too involved to be heading towards "traditional dating". Same with most of the posts in this thread, which I find funny! :lol:

 

 

 

:confused:

I don't understand what you mean.

 

I guess I wanted btdt advice from non-courtship oriented people who helped their children navigate the dating waters. I believe this starts by fostering open communication with an 8 year old. We haven't figured out exact rules, but I envision that progressing from group dating to standard/traditional solo dating when they get a bit older.

 

I don't like the "Is he your boyfriend?" wink, wink, nudge, nudge that people do with little kids. But, I also don't like "You're too young to think about that. End of discussion" approach. Baccuse it IS coming up for discussion with her friends. So, I want her discussing it with me.

[keptwoman]

I don't like the boyfriend talk either. I've never had to deal with it with either of my boys, perhaps because they went to boys schools before homeschooling?? But DD has been in school just a few months and has a new boyfriend each week. The child is 8!!! I had no interest in boys at that age, zero, zip, nada!!! When I was 8, boys were smelly. I think I'd prefer that.

I asked her what it means, what makes a boy a boyfriend, not a boy who is a friend. Apparantly it's if they are "cute." Heaven help me!

I'm no help am I :rofl:

All I can say is that we have never set any policies, my 17yo has had a couple of girlfriends now and I've been quite happy with how it has gone. He never showed any inclination to date before about 16 and when he has dated these girls, they have just done movies etc. I just kind of take it as it comes really. But we are not Christian, and I don't care if they shack up with someone at some point, and I certainly don't expect dating to be about finding a spouse, to me, at this age, it's about finding what you DON'T want in a spouse!! We have talked a lot about how sex complicates relationships, and adds layers of emotion that were not there before and how it's not something to be taken lightly. But that's a conversation for a teen not a young child.

Edited December 15, 2011 by keptwoman

[Rosie_0801]

I don't like the "Is he your boyfriend?" wink, wink, nudge, nudge that people do with little kids. But, I also don't like "You're too young to think about that. End of discussion" approach. Baccuse it IS coming up for discussion with her friends. So, I want her discussing it with me.

 

Watch Little Women and take note of the part where Mrs March says "I won't have my girls being silly about boys."

 

I don't know, I have preschoolers (though dd's first crush was at 16months on Zorro) but I plan to be Mrs March when I grow up, so I'm prepared to follow her advice, lol.

 

Rosie

[Elinor Everywhere]

Nothing to add, but I LOVE your signature line. I have that same pet peeve!

[snickelfritz]

Watch Little Women and take note of the part where Mrs March says "I won't have my girls being silly about boys."

 

I don't know, I have preschoolers (though dd's first crush was at 16months on Zorro) but I plan to be Mrs March when I grow up, so I'm prepared to follow her advice, lol.

 

Rosie

 

Oh Rosie,

I love it! I'll be Mrs. March, too.

 

Thanks for all of the replies. I have some approaches to talk over with dh that, I think, will work for us.

[Night Elf]

So, we want a "line" to use that says she can tell us anything, but she won't be calling boys or dating for a long time. Long, long, long time. Something that encourages her to be friends with them and play soccer with them, but also gets across that she is too young for the drama with boyfriends.

 

The temptation has been to just say "You're too young for that" and end the conversation. That's not what we want.

 

My dd19 had a "boyfriend" when she was 6 yrs. old. She told me they were going to get married. I just smiled and said nothing. I have never been bothered by that kind of talk because it is like role-playing being moms & dads with baby dolls and play kitchens. Being married is something my children see, it's a normal part of their lives, and it's natural they think about it. I see it as being a healthy part of their learning about their world.

 

I didn't mind when the same dd had her first "real" boyfriend at age 14. I put real in quotes because I know she had the little crushes before then, but nothing went farther than the school classroom. At 14, she would meet her boyfriend at the mall with other friends. I would also be there but I let them go off as a group to do their silly teen things just like I did when I was at that same age. She didn't start car dating until she and a guy were both old enough to drive a car which makes sense to me. Her young teen dating has never interfered with her outlook on her education and future life. It was actually working that interfered with those things. I'm grateful she is back on track now. She has also experienced a relationship with someone, within the past year, who had no drive for education and a career, and she has friends who are 20 yrs. old and they are have no drive either. She has decided she doesn't want to live like that and is just seeing things differently. I'm glad of her experiences as they are shaping her outlook.

 

I do not believe dating's sole purpose is to find someone to marry. But that doesn't seem relevant to your question. I have never had a specific line for any part of her experiences. I have enjoyed and am enjoying a very wonderful relationship with my dd. She listens to most of my advice because she knows I don't give it lightly. Her dad and stepmom have never shown her respect and have never tried to be open with her. They have dismissed any of her concerns and her questions by telling her she's too young to think about this and that. They have never given her any choices about things including what activities to be involved in and who to be friends with. She has very little respect for them and certainly doesn't listen to anything they say. So I believe any type of "line" is a natural extension of a two-way respectful relationship. I've watched her pull away from them for the last 7 years, even as I've encouraged her to continue trying to have the type of relationship I have with her. But she thinks they don't understand and that their advice on any matter has nothing to do with her and everything to do with what they want. She considers anything they advise to be irrelevant to her life.

 

I don't know. I may not have touched upon what you're really looking for. I'm just sharing what I've been through and am still living through with my own young adult daughter.

[ktgrok]

Hmm...my 12 year old recently asked if he could have a girlfriend! I managed to NOT freak out, and told him how cool it was he was asking me. I said that he could have a girlfriend, and he could see her at our normal activities, but he was too young to date. That satisfied him, and it is hysterical, really, because at group activities they spend almost no time together....the boys hang out with the boys and the girls hang out with the girls. Having a "girlfriend" means about as much to him at this age as it did to me....just a girl that you think is pretty that thinks you are cute too. I'm ok with that, and glad I gave him the answer I did. It seems to have kept the lines of communication open without putting him in a situation that is not age appropriate.

[ktgrok]

I tell mine that, first off you can't have a boyfriend/girlfriend til you can date. And you can't date until you can drive and have a job to pay for said date(for my ds's). Boyfriends MUST meet parents and both brothers before going on date.

We were not exactly the picture perfect teens/young adults, but we want our children to hopefully avoid some of the mistakes that we made. We are Christian so I point out that God has already decided the person we will spend our life with. He uses this time to teach patience and that we can have many friends of the opposite sex, but dating is reserved for when you are ready to start looking for that person that is meant to be your spouse.

Maybe a little old fashioned, but I really wish that we could have more of the values that our Grandparents had.

 

Actually, it used to be that you dated many people, but not seriously. You didn't go steady until after dating a lot of different people, the opposite of what you seem to be talking about.

[snickelfritz]

Beth and Katie--you both described how I see things unfolding. I don't plan on ever "forbidding" boyfriends, exactly. Though, there will be limits (age??? Group vs. Individual, public places, at our house for dinner????) on actual dating. We just don't know what that will be. For now, we've said there won't be phone calls. But she doesn't even call her girl friends. We've said she sees them enough during daily activities and we are too busy at night to be talking on the phone.

 

It seems that things have become polarized and it's difficult to find help going down the middle road. Not little Brittany Spears behavior, but not courtship behavior. Dh and I had great parents....but not the talk-it-out type. So, we are feeling our way through.