What would you do with this child training situation?

[sassenach]

My dear, dear 5yo has been a challenge since day 1. He is incredibly strong willed and full of energy. Although exhausting, most of the time I can figure out how to parent him through these things. He's a constant challenge, but not generally a kid that I'm confused about. So.... He has this new issue and I need to brainstorm with you all. He blames others for EVERYTHING! I say to him, "Zachary, can you go get me some paper towels?" As he's walking to get them, he hits his toe. "MOM!! It's YOUR FAULT!! You made me get you the paper towels and I bumped my toe!" You can substitute any number of situations in. It seems that anytime anything happens to this child, he is yelling at somebody that it's their fault. He has gotten time out's, had to apologize for blaming, and been continually corrected on this. It seems like such a knee jerk reaction for him, that he's having a hard time catching himself. At this point, I'm wondering if we have the right approach and just need to be persistent with it OR if there is a better strategy to dealing with him. I'm really hoping that someone here has successfully dealt with a kid like this. Ideas anyone?

[mooooom]

"That's the silliest thing I ever heard", and then moved on. In other words, ignore the behavior instead of calling attention to it. Make sure the rest of the family is doing the same. Sounds like he is trying to get attention, not to mention get out of helping out. Just ignore and make sure he completes the task.

[Sue G in PA]

Wow, Shannon. Are you sure that you're not talking about MY ds5? OMG, they could be twins! We were JUST outside. I asked ds5 to please go inside and put on his shoes before riding his bike. He proceeded to hop on the bike and ride anyway. I asked him again (more firmly) to please GET OFF the bike and go get shoes on. So, as him pulls up to the porch to hop off...he falls. What do ya think he says? "MOM! That was YOUR fault. I fell off my bike b/c YOU asked me to get shoes on! Thanks a LOT!". :001_huh: and double :001_huh: You're not alone and I'm wondering if it's a phase. My ds5 just started to be difficult when he turned 4. Until then he was the model child. I don't have any advice, but am :bigear: to any one who has any!

[orangeblossom]

I have a 12 yr old who STILL blames everyone else for everything. If she gets punished, it's our fault for punishing her, not her fault for making a bad choice. I have no answers, but good for you for seeing it now!

You have time to correct it before it gets worse.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My ds is like that. When he was little enough to walk into the island counter (which he did regularly because it stuck out for stools, but we didn't have any stools), he'd inevitably yell, "Stupid counter! We need to get rid of that counter!" :D

 

Of course, if theres a real live person nearby to blame, he'll blame them.

 

He's 10 1/2, and he still does this. I can usually get him to see the humor in the situation, but sometimes I just give him a bewildered look and shake my head in confusion.

 

No great advice, here. Sorry. But I do understand!

[whisperam]

It does seem like he is trying to get attention. Telling he is silly for thinking that and your not making a big deal of it my not give him the result he's hoping for and he'll just stop. Good luck.

[Pink Fairy]

I had three easy kids, and then I had your son's slightly older twin. He's now six, and he's just wired a little different. Happily, he's gotten better as he's gotten older, but I really think it's just maturity rather than any discipline strategy on our part--and believe me, we've tried a few.

 

Because it's so annoying, if it wasn't something involving pain we have him go to his room until he can be cheerful. Or he sits on the step and he isn't allowed to talk.

 

But most of the time it's because he's hurt himself, and he's mad and wants to blame someone. Then I just ignore the blaming, and say "Wow, that must really hurt you. Let me see it? Oh boy, let's kiss it!", etc. That usually distracts him, until he can be calm, and then we'll talk about his unreasonable blaming.

 

Good luck! I'll be lurking to see if anyone else has a better answer!

[Adrianne]

It must be a 5yo thing. Mine is the same way. I just say okay! or oh or ignore it all together. I try not to make a big deal about it.

 

I can remember my 9yo did this, stopped for a while and now seems to do it again.

 

Of course at 9 he understands the talks a little better but I still think it is a phase.

 

One thing I have notice and am trying to stop is when something does happen, if it is not important, like who spilled the milk on the floor, then I try not to place blame or let them place blame. I just say "it does not matter, who spilled it, just clean it up".

 

For big things though, like who marked up the wall with marker, that does need action.

 

Edited to add: Oh and when the baby comes it will be "the baby did it" my personal favorite.

 

Kids gotta love em':001_smile:

[Greta Lea]

I have found that if I acknowledge the pain ("That must have hurt.") or if he missed his favorite show because he was working so slowly, "I hate it when I miss my favorite show too", then ignore him it works best.

 

If I say that he's being silly, it makes him have a complete meltdown. If I try to explain why nobody is at fault but him, we have another complete meltdown. Acknowleding that he is in pain or disappointed then ignoring everything else helps.

 

I will say that THIS is HARD to train yourself to respond this way, but in the end he can't say that I don't care, 'cuz I did respond to his pain or disappointed and I don't engage in any kind of arguement with him over it.

 

Greta:)

[mktkcb]

There are no quick fixes. Some kids are just born with *no* "pause, think" button. They go straight to "react incorrectly". I've been dealing with my ds on this since....oh.....birth probably. He is MUCH better now, at age 11, but better is relative. He still melts down & blames everything on everyone in the heat of the moment. There is absolutely NO point in correcting while its going on. Does not compute. Correction comes after cool off, which varies in duration. And we work on coping skills in calmer moments. Personally, I've gleaned from a variety of sources for help. "Heart of Anger", "Raising your Spirited Child", "The Explosive Child" (for parents of easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children), and others. We'll get there. It just ain't easy. BTW, I love your comment "A constant challenge, but not generally a kid that I'm not confused about...". That is SO true about these kids. They are SO hard to deal with sometimes, but OTOH, you always know where they stand on something, and what they're thinking. Having a quieter/more devious middle dd has made me SO appreciate my other 2 who "let it all hang out" LOL!