Jump to content

Menu

Homer A, week 4


Snickerdoodle
 Share

Recommended Posts

Here is the model.

 

Here is my 10yo:

 

The rabbits were happy living in a big, comfy forest with not a care in the world. They lived this way until they thought they should have a king. So they prayed to Jupiter, "Jupiter, will you please send us a king to rule over us?" Jupiter was very busy, and he had no time for a few crazy rabbits. So he hurled a tree at the rabbits and then went back to his own business. The tree landed with a ka-boom in the midst of the rabbits. The rabbits were very frightened, and they ran away screaming at the top of their lungs. As soon as they found that it was harmless, they were very angry that Jupiter had not sent them a king. They tried praying again. "Hail Jupiter! We want a real king to rule over us!" they exclaimed. This made the Lord of the sky very angry and he bellowed at the poor rabbits, "You idiotic rabbits! Why can't you be content with the way you were before and mind your own business!?" Saying this, Jupiter sent a hungry fox loose among them.

 

Better no rule than cruel rule.

Edited by Snickerdoodle
correct a typo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dd10 will be doing this assignment for Homer A this week. This sounds like something she would have written. I like the variety of descriptive words in your dc's story. He did a good job writing an interesting variation of the model.

 

I'm terrible at analyzing writing, but he one thing I would want to correct is his use of "so" at the beginning of a sentence. It felt a little awkward to have two sentences in a row beginning with So. I might also ask why the rabbits felt like they needed a king. Did the other animals have a king? Otherwise, I think it's great piece of writing for a 10yo.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A nice re-write! My dd often stuck to the story (while doing some embellishments :001_smile: ) It's refreshing to see a brave writer who combines creativity with practicing the skills he/she is learning. I can give you a few suggestions but it's a good effort for a 10yo.

 

I have a hard time remembering back to the beginning of Homer A (my dd is almost finished Homer B now) but I have a few suggestions for improvement. First, I would encourage your 10 yo to try to get away from beginning the majority of the sentences with "subject-verb". Eventually this should be taken care of when practicing the six-sentence shuffle (3. grammar change). I also think the story would flow better and be more interesting if the reader didn't see "rabbits" so often. I know these types of words are often hard to find synonyms for, but CW usually does a good job of modeling this skill.

 

Once again, I really enjoyed it; it was fun to read! Brava! :001_smile:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the suggestions! On the previous assignment I did have him look up in the thesaurus synonyms for the main subject of the piece (i.e. the traveler) but I totally blanked on that for this assignment. Thanks for reminding me.

 

I mostly (not always) make him rewrite the piece with a slightly different scenario or subject or something. This seems to help counteract his ability to rewrite the piece verbatim which was our main problem in Aesop. He has a memory like an elephant.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...